I interview Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons about about self-giving, and the role it plays in finding a spouse. This and other topics are discussed on the Road to Cana DVD series.

I interview Fr. C. John McCloskey about the time needed to truly know someone. This and other topics are discussed on the Road to Cana DVD series.

I interview Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons about the difficulties some men face when it comes to self- confidence. This and other topics are discussed on the Road to Cana DVD series.

I interview Fr. C. John McCloskey about valuable resources for singles. This and other topics are discussed on the Road to Cana DVD series.

Dear Anthony,

I have gotten many responses to my profile but no action. Why is it these men are such great talkers but seem to be really interested only in someone to write to and chat with?

Great question, and it does seem apparent that there is a real problem of commitment among men. I have to first say that there are plenty of men who are action-takers and willing to make a commitment to a woman when the time and person are right. So don't be discouraged.

Having said that, I think it is fair to say that there is an "epidemic" of men who will not make a vocation decision that will alter the rest of their lives, whether that is marriage or the priesthood. I have no doubt they like the concept of being in their vocation, but they don't like the process required to make the commitment. I think a lot of it has to do with their not liking the fact that it is themselves, and not God, who is ultimately responsible for making the decision. By waiting for God to reveal 100% what they should do takes the responsibility off them. Women can be like this, too. We all have a desire to know "for certain" what God wants of us. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. There is no way to know anything "for certain".

Therefore, we must be people of faith, who go out on a limb, or take a chance, who risk it all. And that is at the heart of the definition of a true "man". That is also the problem. Men don't want responsibility, even for themselves, so they lead lives of putting off. They don't want to take a risk that they might end up regretting, so they make no major decisions at all.

This is the epidemic: men who don't want to make the WRONG choice. Instead, what we need are men who walk in faith and make choices, period. Men who don't fear making a wrong choice, but rather rejoice in taking action and living with the consequences. What these men who fear don't understand is that is there is great peace and joy in moving forward in life by making decisions, commitments, and acting in faith. Sure, they have faith and as Catholics they believe they should act on their faith. But so many do not take that concept further than religious practice. In other words, they feel they are men of great faith because they go to Mass or to Confession, or give alms to the poor, etc. Yet, at the same time, they are trying to control their own destiny for the things related to their personal everyday life.

This kind of Christian is not one who truly believes in God as Father, or Our Lady as Mother, and certainly not Jesus as Brother. Where is the faith that God will not allow us to make a decision that is beyond repair, or that can't be blessed by Him? This fear of choosing a woman and making a lifelong commitment to her is selfish pride in action. It is not faith, nor trust in God.

As you pointed out so accurately, men can be great "talkers" but have no follow-through. They don't realize that they are leading the women on. They are not careful about what they say and how long they communicate. And in the end, they just fizzle to a stop like a soda that goes flat. Then, they are content to see it end and just move on to the next person to continue the perpetual game (that has no ending, by the way) of searching for one person they claim will be "the right one", yet have no way of really knowing that information for certain.

The fact is they don't act. They don't decide. And therefore, the act of NOT deciding is actually a decision. The have decided to NOT act. Then they hide behind God as an excuse by saying, "She is not the right person God has for me."

I gave a talk recently where I encouraged the men to take St. Joseph's lead. He took action in everything and allowed God, whom St. Joseph trusted in completely and lived his life to serve, to redirect him if his action was wrong. In the Scriptures, there is a very big mistake he is about to make. He decides to put away Our Lady in a quiet divorce. But God intercedes through the angel and tells St. Joseph it's okay to take her as his wife. And then immediately he takes action to correct his wrong action.

It is only in our taking action (making decisions) and moving forward that we will ever really learn what God wants. And I can assure you that we learn how to be good spouses only by being a spouse. It's an "on-the-job" training in so many ways. If we are living lives close to God, and we trust Him as our Father, He is not going to let us make a fatal mistake. There is nothing wrong with men taking action to ask women out, meet them in person, or even to ask one to marry them. Why they don't do all these things is beyond me. Perhaps they are too cheap to pay for dates with someone. Perhaps they are too afraid they will end up with someone who will not make them perfectly happy. Perhaps they don't trust a woman to let him be the man he wants to be. Whatever it is, it is crippling these men and causing the women to suffer the perpetual "waiting on the man".

In all the "perhaps" comments, there is selfishness and a desire to "want", not to love and serve. To love is to seek the interests and happiness of the other in all things. To serve is to give of oneself for the sake of the other in all things.

I think perhaps these men don't want to love or serve. They want to BE loved and want to BE served so all their pleasures and expectations of life are satisfied. If I am wrong, I would love the men to come forward and correct me. But how can it be denied that men are NOT marrying women? And many are not even dating women seriously. Men need to stop "hunting" for a woman with whom he will be pleased enough to marry. They have to start seeing how their role is to find the woman they will choose to love (which means unconditionally, and despite getting anything in return) and serve. They just don't realize that that is the key to their happiness, and they are wrong in thinking they will be happy if they find the one who satisfies all their needs.

There is a lot to this issue that can't be covered in this response to you. The answers have to come from men in order to get to the bottom of this problem. It would be great to hear more from men and get their reactions to these observations by people like me and by women. Women are much more open to voicing problems and concerns. Men seem content to keep these things to themselves, and don't want to come across as complainers. But I think also that many men don't think they have any problems at all, and that these issues women have with men are just misunderstandings and injustices by complaining women.

So that is why it has been much harder for me to help men. But I am trying. I want to work with men, I want to understand them more, and I want to help them where I can. But in the end, ultimately, I want of men what God wants of men; namely, to grow up, take action in choosing a wife (make a decision), and move on with their vocation, which is the primary purpose of their life.

Dear Anthony,

What would you say is the appropriate amount of time to correspond with someone before meeting in person? And when should a person stop corresponding if there is no initiative to meet?

Two very good questions. Unfortunately, there is nothing absolute. Every situation is different. However, a woman always has to look for "commitment moves" from men in order to continue giving them credibility in this process. "Commitment moves" are signs of moving forward or that a man is capable of moving forward. The last thing a woman should do is waste her time with a man who just wants to hang out. And since women are not in a position to initially say "Are you a guy who will take steps toward commitment?", they have to be able to observe the signs and act accordingly.

With that said, I think there some general benchmarks that can help Catholics using online dating regarding when to meet in person and when to stop corresponding.

First, you have to be corresponding regularly to justify asking these questions. If you are only writing one exchange per week or more, you are not in a serious correspondence, and therefore do not have the first commitment move. You know you have someone you can potentially meet in person if you are writing each other many times per week.

Once you are writing a lot, it should not be more than four weeks before you should be at least "talking about" meeting in person, if not actually making plans to meet. At this point also there should be interest to talk by phone. Meeting in person should actually happen between one and two months of the initial written contact. If the man does not mention the idea of meeting in person after four weeks of regular correspondence, then you should be considering cutting things off. Again, there are no absolutes, so you have to consider the individual, but it is very rare that a man who is interested in a woman will put off the next level of pursuing after so long. If he is not asking about speaking on the phone, then it might be time to end it.

Now, by "end it", I don't necessarily mean cut off correspondence. What I really mean is to start seriously engaging in correspondence with other men and meeting them (which you should be doing anyway). Many times women allow themselves to believe that because they are involved in heavy written exchange with a man online that he is very interested in her, and she feels she should focus on just him. That's a bad idea! Again, women MUST look for commitment moves from men before they start to consider stepping back from others. If a woman senses a man is serious about pursuing her, she will wait for him. Men who hold back showing any signs of commitment (even the commitment to meet) might not be serious about making the commitment to marriage. So men have to step up and take risks and ACT!! This is the sign a woman needs to stick around. Women who stick around anyway in the "hope" he will act are just setting themselves up for being hurt and wasting valuable time. Maybe he will come around eventually, but from my experience it rarely happens, and so many women have been hurt because the man never showed further interest. Then they wonder why the correspondence suddenly ended.

What if after several weeks of heavy correspondence he does not talk about speaking on the phone or meeting in person, but you really like him? This is tricky for a woman to do, but you should consider giving him a nudge by mentioning that you are open to talking by phone or meeting in person if he is. Men sometimes need just that little sign from a woman before they have confidence enough to take on a more firm leadership role. But after that first time, you should not do it again. Men are not attracted to women who continuously try to lead things along. It can be interpreted as being pushy or seeming desperate, etc. Give the man a nudge and then let it him take over.

If you don't get any serious interest from him as a result, then you should consider saying something like, "I have enjoyed corresponding with you and would like to get to know you more, but I am not open to just writing and believe that meeting in person is the best way to get to know if something more serious is possible to develop with someone."

A wise man will take this as a sign to step up, and a good man who doesn't want to lose the opportunity with a good woman will do the stepping up. A weak, indecisive man will fizzle away. And then you will have wasted only a month of your time and not many months, or years, for that matter. Some men will feel rejected by this. But that would be a foolish response, because a note like that clearly indicates you are interested and want a commitment move, otherwise you can't waste your time. I say this because I also know that many women are nervous to make this kind of statement out of concern that the man will be scared off and correspondence will stop (which is not a good feeling). But please be assured, a good man will be refreshed to hear this kind of thing from a woman and his respect level will increase.

Sometimes men do not see any rush for anything in their life, including meeting a woman in person. They can have bad reasons why they are not open to meeting women in person, even on a site like Ave Maria Singles that is meant for marriage-minded, committed Catholic singles. It could be they don't want to spend any money on meeting someone in person (especially if it means traveling a long distance). Perhaps they like the feeling of dialoguing with women in writing but are not comfortable meeting in person. I have heard lots of reasons why men put off making the very first basic "commitment move" of meeting in person or talking on the phone. Some are flat-out afraid to meet women in person. Some don't want to make the financial investment required to date a woman, especially if it means traveling to meet, including long distances. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that many men are not making the move to meet. I know of one of our couples who were not able to meet for six months at first. But they were talking about it almost right away. He was serious about meeting, but they had legitimate circumstances that kept it from happening. But they were talking on the phone and making plans to meet at the opportune time.

I really feel that a man should never enter into a correspondence with a woman in an online Catholic dating situation unless he is prepared to meet her in person if things go well in writing. It's not really fair to get a woman's hopes up only to end up saying (or not saying, but just not acting) that he can't meet in person.

So don't set yourself up for being hurt by allowing him to prolong your corresponding or by putting too much hope in his making a move. Women have only themselves to blame for letting it go on for so long. Men subconsciously don't respect a woman that lets them get away with not acting on the relationship properly or taking risks in the name of finding their future spouse. If a woman will let a man do nothing serious or say anything that shows a move toward a serious relationship or marriage itself, then he might still write to her because he enjoys the attention and feeling of a woman interested in him, but he will never respect her enough to pursue her.

My opinion of the general rule of thumb for online dating is that you should be talking seriously about meeting in person after a month of writing, talking on the phone by the end of that month, and meeting in person within one to two months. Once you meet in person, if there is desire to continue the relationship, then meet in person at least every two weeks for a couple of concentrated days together (this is primarily for long-distance relationships where travel is necessary). It should take only two months of meeting every two weeks (if the time is spent wisely; namely, with a lot of talking, sharing life goals and vision, worshipping together, meeting family and friends, asking good questions, etc.) to know if you want to be exclusive with each other (courtship), which is then a time period in which you determine if there is any reason you should NOT get engaged to be married.

I continue interviewing Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons about the effects sexual utilitarianism can have on relationships. This and other topics are discussed on the Road to Cana DVD series.

Dear Anthony,

It seems I’m continually meeting Mr. Wrong — men who claim to be devout Catholics but turn out to be arrogant or unfaithful or abusive or into pornography, etc. Where are the men who live up to what they say they are?

I can appreciate all you have been through and how frustrating it is. I also agree with you about the confusion of men who say they are practicing Catholics but have emotional problems, show immaturity or arrogance, are verbally/physically abusive, or are addicted to pornography. Women, of course, have their "problems", too. There are definitely good men out there, though they seem hard to find. I think it is something much more than just Mr. or Ms. Right. There are so many potentially great spouses out there (men and women) who just aren't quite there yet (and may not know it), and whose potential is overlooked due to their so-called "issues".

The bottom line is that both men and women need to be working hard on themselves by God's grace to lead a single-minded, consistent, balanced life. This means that we rid ourselves of living dual lives (dream world vs. real world), of contradictions in the way we live our lives, of any excesses or extremes, of all things that are occasions of sin or distracting to our call to holiness, and from all excuses for why we are not what or who we should be before God and before others. We have to stop having a disordered existence. Our Christian call includes an ordered life, both internally and externally. It is a life of Christ's peace. St. Augustine said that peace is the tranquility of order. I love that he used that word "tranquility". And to apply that word to "order" seems kind of strange at first. But it makes perfect sense. An ordered life is freedom. And that freedom is peace; the peace that comes from Christ. Therefore, despite what is happening around us, we have a consistent tranquility because our lives are ordered always in the direction of Christ through the way we live our lives. So if any aspect of our life is disordered, Christ's peace does not reside with us.

I believe that a person who will make a good spouse is an ordered person, not a disordered person. And if he or she has some disorders, then knowing that and seeking order also makes them great potential spouses, because knowing your disorders and working on them is the sign of walking with the Lord.

But you don't hear men and women talking about the concept of an ordered life when they are dating or seeking their future spouse. But they should. Disorder is all around us, and modern society seems to be hell-bent on helping people become disordered (and making money off of that, of course). But we can't blame everything on society. Grown men and women should be able to know right and wrong, and have the capacity to make good choices for themselves and (if married) for their children. And if we also claim to be Christians, then we should be people of prayer and a sacramental life, which will provide us the Holy Spirit and grace to be able to see through these things that can lead to a disordered life. Finally, we should be people who work on knowing ourselves so that we understand the things we cannot do or partake in that can lead to disorder.

I know that sexual pleasure plays a major role in this disordered life I am speaking of. You seem to be a woman seeking to be a Proverbs 31 wife in a world of men that want a sexually casual and active girlfriend to hang out with. Sex seems to no longer mean responsibility for future children, but pure pleasure. And approaching dating no longer means a path to service of another in self-donation for the other's sake in the sacred institution of marriage, but selfishness and "What do I get out of this?"

You need a man who seeks the scriptural outline of a husband and who works on being virtuous. I know they seem hard to find, but they are out there. Just try not to overlook the ones that have potential, even if they are not quite there yet. I firmly believe that there are many "diamonds in the rough" out there. These are men who are substantially "good" but have strong influences from the world (many times without knowing it) and who have weak wills, and when they give in to temptation with a woman or try to be forward or pushy, could very readily be "led" by the woman into realizing they are wrong about this approach, and then subsequently reform. Basically, the gentle woman who takes a stand but is willing to forget about what the man tried to do could win his heart by her generosity. Again, I am talking about men who are not too far gone. Those addicted to sex or pornography or who have serious emotional or mental issues are not marriage material, nor should they be dating. But many men can honestly "slip up". If they are forgiven, gently handled and allowed another chance, that has great power to change a man and edify him toward the woman who does that. She is proving to be a great woman (and this kind of woman is rare).

So keep hope alive and persevere. The man you seek is out there. Don't let the "Mr. Wrongs" get you down. Pray for them. It will give you more strength and fill your heart with more charity and trust for men. Don't be surprised by these failures in men. And don't be too quick to dismiss every man who does something stupid or foolish as being Mr. Wrong. Men do stupid things. So men need a woman who can see the good in them and support and encourage that. They are attracted to a gentle woman whose strength is in her power to forgive when she has a right to cut off. Men also need a woman who can challenge them to be better than we think we are, without coming down hard or holding it over on them, especially at the moments they are not very impressive. That gentle leadership by a good woman helps men to take over the leadership role and never look back.

I interview Patricia Wrona about her advice to those who truly believe that they are called to the vocation of marriage. This and other topics are discussed on the Road to Cana DVD series.

I interview Fr. C. John McCloskey about the problem of trust wounds. This and other topics are discussed on the Road to Cana DVD series.