Why are 20-somethings not marrying?
I was just interviewed yesterday for a Catholic newspaper on the topic of Catholic singles who are in their 20's and are not marrying. The interviewer is trying to figure out why this is happening and offer practical answers on how to change this. The interviewer wants to know what the Church can do to better minister to single people about marrying young. He told me many are saying it is due to the poor catechesis these 20-somethings have had.
It's a great topic, and one close to my heart. I truly believe 20-something is the ideal time to get married. Love, at the human level, seems to have been designed by God to be a "blinding" thing. In other words, there is so much that is challenging about marriage, and when in marriage you soon find out so many things you could have never known before marrying and living with other human beings you are forced to live with the rest of your life.
You really do need love (the kind of love that desires to serve without reward) to survive marriage. There are many joyful and beautiful moments that touch you emotionally. It is not all about an act of the will "despite" feelings. But many times you are called upon to love without feeling it. And that is where people run into problems.
My answers to the interviewers questions can be summarized as follows:
1) Selfishness. People are selfish, and that is fallen human nature at work. You can't blame a generation of poor catechesis on this. Selfishness is overcome by the constant practice of giving yourself away, which is an "action", not something you read about. Actions of love are the responsibility of parental direction. Kids who have not been challenged or had a proper training of their will just don't have the tools as an adult to give themselves away. Therefore, they are not yet ready for marriage, and they spend their 20's figuring that out.
2) Fear. 20-somethings today are afraid of so many things. Can I afford to be married? Have I done enough yet before I settle down? Will a marriage I am in end in divorce? Is the world overpopulated? Is society too evil? Is the world going to end? I am exaggerating here, but the point is that fear keeps young adults from ACTING in courage on their vocation.
3) Ignorance. 20-somethings today are actually highly intelligent. And we are seeing more and more of an increase in love of the Catholic faith in young adults. But they are very ignorant when it comes to their vocation and what it means to get into it. And even those who have strong faith believe it is a good enough excuse to be "busy" in works for God (i.e., missions, serving the poor, teaching, etc.). They certainly don't understand that the prime TIME to get married is when you are in your 20's, or that it is healthier for women to start having children in their 20's, etc. But most important, they don't realize that God wants them in their vocation sooner, rather than later. And He can make this happen if the person is open. Too much focus is on the "who" in marriage, instead of the "when".
4) Too Many Options. I believe single Catholics have a strong awareness that there are many people out there who are "available", and there could be a tendency of putting off being open to a perfectly good person due to a hope that there might be somebody better out there, or have the idea that maybe this is not the one "God has chosen". God does assist in putting people in our path, but He certainly does NOT have one person chosen from all eternity for you. That is a choice that is left to the individuals. God simply blesses the choice, and then at that moment of making vows, that is the one person for you.
I realize people will say that if you don't meet the right person then you may not marry in your 20's. Well, that's another discussion and set of theories to explore. Suffice it to say that there are enough Catholic singles in their 20's that are not getting married simply because they choose not to. Life is too short, our vocation is too important, and having children and giving your life to others for a lifetime is critical to getting to heaven. Those who know they are to be married would best serve themselves (and God) by focusing on a time-frame to work with God, and then choose a good person who will make a good spouse and parent, who loves God and seeks His Will, and who knows how to forgive and ask forgiveness. Everything else can be dealt with.
NO ONE GETS OFF FREE OF THE CROSS IN MARRIAGE. No one! So you might as well be in your vocation where the grace of the sacrament is available to perfect you on your path to heaven.
This was a great interview. I made the interviewer laugh with my responses to his questions. It will be great to see how his article comes out. This topic needs more discussion.
Given that we want people to make mature decisions about marriage and that it is a permanent union, I believe the delay from 20's to 30's is a good thing and not a bad one.
One is usualy financially stable at 30 or 35, those are in this day and age the ideal ages to get married. I'm sure God would rather see someone happily married while being financialy steady at the same time than someone married but struggling everyday to survive (because lots of babies also require lots of money, and that's just reality).
First of all, divorce. We Catholic guys see a LOT of it, even in other 'Catholics'. The Catholics getting divorced were usually married in their mid to upper 20s, so that gives us, or at least me, pause.
2nd, lack of any worthwile girls. Catholic women in their 20s, at least the VAST number of them, want nothing to do with marriage when they're 20-something. They have dreams of college, jobs, careers, etc. They are told over and over by friends, family and culture that they should do what they want to do first, then think about getting married later.
3rd, how many girls in your parish are really, really Catholic and worth marrying? In my parish, not too many. They are basically just like every other modern girl out there in thinking, behavior, dress, etc. I dated a good bit when I moved here and discovered not much difference between the 'I love my church!' Catholic girls and the protestant or non-believers I used to date in terms of behavior, especially with regards to sex.
4th, modern women in their 20s are VERY immature. They can't take care of their own check book or appartment on average, much less help manage a family. Women in their 20s don't know what they want. (BTW, this is the case with ALL, not just Catholics.)
I could write more, but you get the general idea. Luckily, I'm currently seeing a very Catholic, very wonderful woman and we are considering marriage. But then we're both 29 this year.
1) Because they cohabitate and have children but do not marry. In the Canadian province of Quebec, for example, roughly 80% of the population identify themeselves as Catholic but a great plurality of those never marry. They live, have children, and die with their live-in "chums" (boyfriends) and "blondes" (girlfriends).
2) Pornography. Much of the motivation behind marriage lies in the procreative urge which culminates in the sexual act. Now more than ever the average individual has access to pornography the likes of which his or her ancestors could never have imagined. It's nearly better than the real thing. There is therefore no need to find a willing mate. Although gravely sinful, it nonetheless entices even the most pious Catholics (myself included).
I would hope that one day the Church offer real, practical advice on how to maintain one's chastity in this world of readily available porn and ubiquitous, sexualized advertising.
3)A very resticted pool of candidates. For a practising Catholic, it is extremely difficult to find nominal Catholics who value chastity, etc. One is expected to 'sample', and co-habitate before marriage. One who is not prepared to do this will have to restrict his pool of potential significant others to the pathetically small number of women or men who fully abide by the teachings of the Church.
I have to take issue with Mr. Buono's entire paradigm. The above quotation is simply a snippet of it. He says "those who KNOW they are called to marriage". The fact is, no one really KNOWS until it actually happens. How many people have been engaged, only to break up, go to the seminary, and become priests? I know one such case in North Dakota, and of course there is Brother Mary Anthony of EWTN.
Secondly "giving your life to others for a lifetime is critical to getting to heaven". True, but who says that has to be marriage? Objectively, religious life is the "higher" more "superior" state, and you end up giving yourself away even MORE as a celibate - and as a single person as well, because the latter plays out very much like the former.
Mr. Buono is spreading the idea of "internet dating services", and in this I think he is too swayed by the "thinking of the world". The fact is, if God wants one to get married, He will make this happen - with our cooperation, yes. But I think our cooperation doesn't consist in "desperately seeking out" Mr. or Miss Right to "shed single life like a dirty disease", but by living that "God-given vocation" of single life, getting busy with the Lord's work, and allowing Him to do His part.
I heard Mr. Buono say on Catholic Answers, February broadcast, that some Catholics can get "too busy even with prayer" to find their Catholic partner. I would point to this one statement as the ultimate example that points to how far Mr. Buono has missed the mark. I don't know of a single Saint who would say people would be more likely to find a good partner and get into a good marriage if they would stop praying so much and start going out and meeting people of the opposite sex - on a computer, no less. Rather, they would quote Matthew 6:33-34, and tell you that God will introduce you, probably in the most unlikely place, when you're not looking.
Mr. Buono puts far too much importance on "mere human effort" and not enough on the work of God. A lack of faith and trust is clearly manifest.
I can tell you a simple reason I'm not married yet, and it's the ONLY reason: I just haven't found the right woman yet, and I don't think there's anything for anyone else to read into about my situation--ESPECIALLY not the kind of ridiculous sweeping generalizations made in this article. I simply haven't found her yet. She's out there, but I'm not going to settle for someone who's not the right one. That's it. That's the whole reason; none of all this bunk about selfishness or fear or whatnot. Quit calling me names and worry about your own family and I'll worry about mine.