How can we maintain our long-distance relationship?

Dear Anthony,

I am in a long-distance relationship with someone I met on Ave Maria Singles. After e-mailing and making phone calls, we finally met in person, and we are hopeful about our future. Because of the distance, we won't get to see each other very often, and we're concerned about being able to maintain this relationship. E-mail seems sterile and shallow after a while. Do you have any suggestions?

I'm glad to hear that you have spent time in person already. That is really critical. I have no doubt that has only increased your desire to spend more time in person. That's a good thing.

But don't underestimate the value of your NOT being together in person as often as you would like, and how it can deepen your relationship. You should definitely be working at getting together in person as often as you can (I have recommended every two weeks or so as a benchmark, even if for a couple of days). The more often you are in person together, the faster you both will realize you are to get married or end the relationship. And knowing sooner rather than later if the relationship should end helps minimize heart pains and wasting time. Being in person often helps to know if you should be moving toward marriage, so you should definitely make it happen as you are able. Just understand that having long intervals between meetings can be a risk, especially in dragging the relationship on longer than it should (whether for marriage or for breaking up).

However, the time in between can be a tremendous blessing and a wonderful opportunity to grow deeper towards each other that you might not otherwise be able to do if you lived close by and could see each other in person more often. I want to encourage you both to write long letters to each other during these periods, sharing your hearts, interests, faith, past, etc. The beauty of a long-distance relationship is that it helps foster deep love and longing for each other that being in person all the time cannot. When you have access to someone all the time, writing does not take place. And writing provides an opportunity to share in ways that people don't usually do when talking to each other. Plus, there is the added bonus of not having to deal with serious chastity issues that people who are in person all the time have to face, which can really cause problems, or disrupt the developing relationship, or even distort the relationship to the point of it ending when it did not have to happen that way. Chastity helps couples to grow in grace, so long-distance relationships are great for this, too.

So I encourage you both to rejoice in the opportunity to take advantage of this distance between you, and time periods between visits, and see it as a very holy thing. And make it valuable by taking the time to write long letters. The reason e-mail seems sterile and shallow (as you put it) is because you are not really "writing" to each other. You are just chatting. So take the time, nestle up on your bed, or sit at your desk or on the couch with cup of coffee or favorite drink, say a prayer, and then begin to handwrite a long letter. Yes, I said "handwrite". Typing is too impersonal for this kind of writing (but if you are only comfortable typing, then I won't hold it against you :-) The point is to enjoy the spirit of writing to the one you care about. And watch how you fall in love and what happens. I promise you that after you are married, you will be saying how much the distance was a blessing and how much you treasured the exchange of love letters.