Do opposite-sex friendships work in dating?
I was speaking recently at a Theology on Tap and the subject of friendship with the opposite sex while dating came up.
This is an important subject that often gets downplayed. In general, I’m opposed to opposite-sex friendships while dating someone (or when married, for that matter). There is a danger here that must not be overlooked. And I hope people will not conclude that I am opposed to opposite-sex friendship across the board, because I am far from it. Let’s focus on what is a possible danger with these relationships specifically related to dating and marriage.
Friendship has to do with intimacy with another person. This intimacy has to do with two hearts that grow close to one another. A couple dating and a married couple naturally develop intimacy, thus close friendship. That is a very good thing, and should always be maintained. In fact, it should never stop growing, and should always desire to go deeper.
What we are concerned with in friendships (perhaps obviously) is the role of our bodies. It is doubtful that you will ever find two friends who can honestly say they have never touched each other in any way. It is a natural part of friendship to touch each other. There are plenty of appropriate and non-genital or sexually arousing ways to interact physically with a friend. A hug is probably the most popular one.
Same-sex friends are physical in these appropriate ways, just as opposite-sex friends are. It is safe to say that the body’s interaction in friendship is an important element of friendship, though it is not a necessary part of it (though, again, other than certain saints who had successful and deep non-physical opposite-sex friendships, it would be hard to find two friends who don’t have physical exchanges within their friendships).
I’m always amazed how naive people can be sometimes. Does it not make sense? I think maybe people have forgotten about the effects of original sin and assume too much that man or woman can readily and always control what is fundamental about our sexuality as men and women and as God created us.
More than that, it seems there is a lack of understanding in the direction of friendship. Friendship desires intimacy. A man and woman who are close friends will naturally want to get closer. It is a cornerstone of marital love and inspires sexual desire, which is the only place for the continuation of their friendship. Children, of course, are the ultimate "continuation" of the friendship and intimacy in marriage, for they are the tangible incarnation of that mystery of love between a man and a woman. That is why the Sacrament of Matrimony is primarily an exchange of "rights" to each other's body, and as a result of those "rights", a deepening of love can happen and children may be conceived as a result.
But taking the physical component out of it, it is still just as dangerous for a man and a woman to have a friendship, even if there is mutually no desire for it to be physical. The connection made with their hearts, as special as it may seem, can still be a threat to the persons these friends will date or be married to.
Why? Because it is flat-out uncomfortable for the person you are dating or married to. A woman dating a man who has a female friend he is very close to will feel threatened by that woman; not necessarily threatened that she will lose this man, but threatened that she may not be getting “all” of him and has to share intimacy with someone else. You might say, “That’s a sign of an insecure person and is a red flag to me.” Well, hold on a moment. That’s not insecurity; that’s just a natural reaction. No woman, for example, wants to feel she has to “share” certain deeper levels of friendship she has with the man she is dating or married to with another woman.
So what’s the answer? You don’t want to lose this person you are friends with, but you also don’t want to lose the person you are dating (or cause your marriage to suffer). One answer is to turn this personal friend into a friend of both of you as a couple. But be ready to end the friendship, because the person you are dating or married to may not be open to that.
Marital love (whether the pursuit of it in dating, or when living it) seeks an exclusivity that fundamentally offers security to each person. That secure feeling produces peace and trust that set the tone for the marriage and keeps the marriage strong. Marital love desires no competition for intimacy with the one they love. Opposite-sex friendships that exclude the dating or married partner threaten that security, exclusivity, peace, and trust.
The last thing that needs to be said here is that, no matter what you say to the contrary, an opposite-sex friendship “always” has the possibility of developing into “something more” for either one or both persons. Way too many marriages have ended due to one of the persons developing an inappropriate friendship with someone that ended up with one or both having interest in something more happening (and that did happen).
Love is very tricky, and whenever any level of love is with someone of the opposite sex, there is always a chance that desire for genital sexual expression will develop, the act of which is permitted only in marriage. This is precisely the “fear” that a person feels when the person they date or are married to has an opposite-sex close friend. That fear prevents trust from developing.
Why put any future people you date through this? Stick with finding a person of the same sex to develop the intimacy you desire (whether it is desire for deep conversation, or pursuing a common interest, etc.). And if you find a person of the opposite sex you are really hitting it off with and want to have a deeper friendship with, by all means make sure you are open to considering this person for marriage. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for problems with anyone you date in the future (or presently), as well as anyone that friend might date or be dating.
It’s hard when you are not dating anyone seriously to consider these things with your opposite-sex friends, but we need to. It will help us with our vocation, and I believe God blesses us for it. Certainly, it will give us a better pair of eyes to really notice our future spouse when he/she comes along. So let’s be realistic and not try to deceive ourselves. Determine if perhaps we have any unhealthy “attachment” to any friend of the opposite sex that might work against our vocation and our spiritual life.
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I'm not naive, and I'm not really known for my optimism, either, but even I have to say I think you are painting humanity with rather a broad brush. Not everyone is going to look at a friend of the opposite sex and think, "Hm, you're a man, I'm a woman... we should be together!" That's just not how it usually works. I think it's perfectly healthy to have close friends of the opposite sex - they provide you with valuable perspective, they give you a relief from the shortcomings of your own sex, and for once there is no call to impress.
I think you're a very intelligent and highly principled man, and I enjoy reading your blog. But even though I consider myself very traditional, I had to speak up and say that I think your views on this are very alienating to those of us who have been able to maintain opposite-sex friendships without a problem. Obviously I can't change your mind, and I admire you for sticking to your guns, but I wanted to explain that I think you are advising people to miss out on a great deal. Even though you say it's not, telling someone to choose between their friends or their partner is traditionally a big red flag, and a blog post which seems to advocate that behavior is, I think, problematic.
I don't think someone we become 'serious' with should worry about our friends. If we were more into our friend, we'd be with them, not our significant other. And not all friendships imply 'intimacy' - some are more casual than others; certainly one we are serious with, once they know us, should realize we aren't going to say things that we shouldn't (that goes the same for our 'same sex' friends.)
As to this being something we 'shouldn't put someone we're dating through' - puhleeze. Should we also only consider people who've dated the same number of people we have? I do believe however, that we should date people on the same level of maturity and self esteem.
While I agree ideally that it is ideal if a husband and wife are each other's best friend - this shouldn't mean the only friend. A husband and wife cannot always fill every single need in each other - and sometimes the time apart they have with their own friends is what they need. I think putting this high expectation out there as something people should look for is a big disservice to many people who might believe it to be true. Many marriages are very happy that don't have both parties sharing every interest, talking about every little thing in their lives only with each other.
Saying that having an opposite sex friend means we will feel the need eventually to have sex with them is rude and insulting. Attraction is not that easy and nor are most of the people who use this site. I don't pick my friends based on their anatomy; and I don't believe God expects any of us to. Marriages break up for many reasons; I haven't heard that one of the main ones is people having sex with their friends.
Answer: "choose between their friends or their partner is traditionally a big red flag, and a blog post which seems to advocate that behavior is, I think, problematic."
Mr. Buono's implicit assumption seems to be the following: "The first person I date is "THE ONE"".
What happens with all the people I end friendship with, if after 7 or 8 months of discernment it turns out that me or both parties dating become aware that we should not marry? When I end the relationship, can I just go and ask them again for help with my flat tire or to move heavy stuff at home, without getting to be friends with them because they're not "the one I'm going to marry"???
I am not talking about still talking on the phone every day, any reasonable guy friend Knows that if I'm dating, I will not have as much time as before and will celebrate to see me dating and happy, and will not mind that we don't talk often. After all, some of my friends (any gender) I can talk to twice a year, and even though we are not close any more, we are still willing to assist each other in good and bad times.
ENDING the friendship, totally, in absolute terms... If a date asks for such an extreme measure... That IS a huge red flag.
There is NO danger at all in keeping an OCASSIONAL phone call with a guy friend, buying him something for his birthday, and if I'm not married, sending a Christmas card Solely on my own behalf... My friend, after all, is someone who knows me and I know and will not mind recommending me a good mechanic if in the process of discerment it turns out that a current date is not a good match, or not as godly as I initially thought.
If my date has problems with such ordinary human behavior of uninterested non-sexual and not too close friendship, of the type one Should maintain at work or in any other social environment, he certainly is a person to be away from.
There is no such thing as having a spouse and having a best friend of the opposite sex. That's just plain wrong and it is indeed naive to think that it is not an impediment to your relationship or potential marriage. A very lousy argument indeed!
I'll grant that in some crowds of people, it may be possible to be "closer" to some friends than others, even to be quite close to a very few, due to common interests or whatever.
On the other hand, I'd say that insisting on having more than one quasi-intimate relationship may be a "big, red flag" for your potential spouse. If you won't "let go" of your other friendships, are you sure you truthfully intend sacramental marriage?
Or are you subtlely finding an "out" from committing to one person?
That other person you want to hold onto may well be suffering from a need, even one they don't realize, to find someone else.
Ending a friendships does not mean you would not say hello when you pass that person on the street or happen to see that person somewhere or even struck a brief conversation accordingly.
But couples who have friends in common are more exclusive and are best friends.
If we have opposite-sex friends, then we should treat them as brother and sisters. It also implies consistencies in behavior, that is, we treated all our male friends equally, not providing special treatment with particular opposite sex friend. Inorder to check ourselves whether our emotions are pure, we should check our real intentions after all, nothing is hidden from God.
I must voice my concern if someone were to read Anthony's post as suggesting that married people shouldn't have friendships with the opposite sex in general. Based on Anthony's clarification to me he indicates he is most concerned about friendships where the spouse is excluded and generally is just highlighting (rightly so) some of the challenges of opposite-sex friendships in the context of marriage and the importance of taking the feelings of the spouse regarding the friend into account.
First, it should be highlighted that friendship is an essential need of humans. We all know this. All humans may not need to be married; but all crave friendship. Further, if there was a word for what Christianity is, I'd say friendship wouldn't be a bad one. After all, what did Christ call to Himself and expressly identify the disciples as? His friends. Friendship spoken of in this way, of course, is very deep and not something trivial. It is characterized, ultimately, by a passion for the destiny of the other. These are the friends that we all cherish and hang onto.
Accordingly, I think it is important to highlight for married couples that they need friends, despite being married. Yes, the spouse may be a close and dear friend -- a best friend. But it is unlikely that the spouse will satisfy all of a person's needs for friendship. There is a great danger in this culture, even among Catholics, to forget to honor two things: (i) to respect the freedom of the other spouse; and (ii) to romanticize and idealize the spouse as though the spouse will satisfy all the needs of the heart.
With regard to freedom, as Catholics we need to remember that our spouses remain free individuals. Our respect for freedom is really tested when the spouse decides to do something we don't like, not when they agree with all our wishes. We take our cue from Christ in this. For our savior never imposed Himself on us, but instead proposed and trusting that those who encountered Him (in the flesh and through His people) would be able to verify for themselves the truth of who He was for them. (See Christ's question to John and Andrew in the Gospel of St. John and their response during their first encounter.) Of course, in a healthy relationship, the marital bond is leading each spouse to exercise their freedom in a way that considers the other as well. But in the end respect for freedom must remain. So I would be concerned if someone were to read Anthony's post as suggesting a spouse should just demand that the other cut off any friendships.
Second, I do worry that many Catholics improperly burden their spouse with the demands of meeting all their heart's desires. As Catholics, we should know that this is impossible. Yes, the spouse should correspond greatly to the heart of the other. Otherwise, one would rightly question why the marriage was entered into. But a Catholic should recognize that no matter how wonderful the marriage might be the spouse will never be enough to satisfy the other. For the spouse is only, at best, a glimpse of Christ present and not God Himself, who only can satisfy. Friendships likely will continue to play a real role in the life of each spouse in terms of how Christ makes Himself present to them and continues to answer their hearts. I would worry about anyone reading Anthony's post as suggesting that somehow God couldn't use an opposite-sex friendship to do that. He very well might. I think if each spouse is willing to confront the question of "how does this friendship relate to my destiny?" they might be better equipped to understand each other's concerns about the friendship, the real value (or lack of value) of the friendship, and find a path that both can accept.
Based on our exchange, I don't think Anthony disagrees with this. Where we disagree is on how people might perceive what he means to suggest in this post, with me worried that most reading it will perceive it as suggesting some fundamental problem with opposite-sex friendships in marriage generally and not concerns with specific types of opposite-sex friendships.
Thanks anyway for this awesome post! This will make people who are willing to hear grow more as a person and learn to stablish REAL priorities.
I revealed them to him after eight months of being friends. He made it clear he didn't want that from me, even though he flirted with me, that he already had a girlfriend. It was very painful, embarrassing, and awkward. I've finally given up the charade that I'm "cool" with us just being friends, talking sports, the back of my mind hanging on to the faint hope he'll eventually come to reciprocate my feelings. It's futile, and the excruciating realization he's staying with his girlfriend resulted me in cutting the friendship off for my own sake. I rarely hear from him.
In my experience, there is always going to be an undercurrent of sexuality between the sexes, and therefore, I cannot be "just friends" with a man.
Unfortunately, I had the same opinion has this article makes for many years of my life that I would like to take back.
God bless