Should a couple's sex drives be compatible?
Dear Anthony,
I've been dating a man for quite some time and our relationship is getting serious. I'm wondering if I need to be concerned about our sexual compatibility. What if we discover after marrying that one of us has a low sex drive and the other has a high sex drive? Would such a difference affect our happiness as a married couple?
Sexual tension is a huge reason why people get married. It is typically a good sign that you want to be with each other overall. Those who have sex before marriage have wasted the opportunity to know if there is “real love” there, because the sexual desire that is controlled before marriage helps prove true love. If there is sex before marriage, then you can never really know what is love and what is not.
Anyway, since you are not having any sexual expression, I would guess you both have a strong sense of wanting to be together overall. My question would be, at this point, what is keeping you from getting married? Is there still really anything to determine? The sexual fulfillment AFTER marriage thing is not appropriate to consider. We are social beings who have sex to express our love. We are not sexual beings who have sex to express who we really are. And marriage is certainly not about “getting”, it is about “giving”. If two “giving” people come together in marriage, the sexual expression in marriage will be beautiful no matter what happens. If one of the two has a “strong” sex drive, there may be some counseling needed for that person, or at least a good spiritual director to help that person get through. It is NOT that the one with less drive should step up, but rather that the one with the stronger drive needs to step down, or calm down (as the case may be).
Sex in marriage should be mutual and loving and tender. It does NOT necessarily mean it has to be overly passionate or erotic. Those can be distortions of true married love. There will be times when the sexual expression is very passionate. But there will also be times when it is not so passionate, when it is quick, or even when it is one-sided as to who is interested. God willing, no matter what, it is very beautiful in its gentleness and tenderness. A strong sex drive should not mean enslavement or “need”. That would be unhealthy. A healthy sense of a strong sex drive is that you desire to be close to the spouse. The “wild sex” notion typically attributed to strong sex drive is not for Christians. That is something for people who have become distorted, and something distorted perhaps that the media has portrayed.
Again, there will be passionate times, but you be amazed how much of married sexual intimacy is not genital. Smiling eyes, flirting, holding hands, an affectionate touch or hug, etc. It is arguable that these moments are the most sexual part of marriage and the aspects of sexuality that lead to the deeper relationship. Genital sex is very often the end result of all that buildup. And it does not have to have anything to do with “drive”.
It is also important to point out that most of married life is NOT spent in genital sexual activity, so there should not be much stock put into the “performance” aspect of sex in marriage. It just does not happen that much. So best to make sure you are married to someone you can have a conversation with and enjoy everyday life with, above the sexual drive toward that person. That is a surefire way to get disappointed, and then it trickles into all aspects of a perfectly good marriage.
Don’t get me wrong. Sexual expression in marriage is not only important, it is critical. But I think sometimes people think that the strong impulse and much passion expression is the true expression of love. No. True love seeks to serve, and that includes the bedroom. If the person you are serving in marriage does not want the level of sexual expression you want, then love dictates that you subdue personal desire and enjoy what the other wants.
But if you are hoping the spouse will do the same for you (namely, wanting to serve your needs), that is not the right attitude either. As a spouse, you are not only seeking to serve the other, but you are also seeking help the spouse not be put in a position they are uncomfortable with. In other words, you cannot expect your spouse to step up and serve your needs in a way they are incapable of or not comfortable with.
I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that you should talk about this with the man you’re seeing if it is a major thing to you. Talk now so that whichever of you has the strong sex drive, that person will have shared this information and give the other an opportunity to consider if this is something that could make or break the marriage. You don’t want to be going into the marriage without full disclosure about things that matter to each of you. That is just a time bomb waiting to go off. But when unforeseen things come up or happen in marriage (which they most certainly do), you cannot say, “This is not what I signed up for” and give any thought to ending it. No, you must stay and fulfill your duty. And there is always a way to find joy in the decision to love for a lifetime.
When we "want", we suffer. When we "serve", we have peace and joy.
However, it occurs to me that you're writing against one of the most ancient principles of Catholic matrimonial union and I think the uneducated should know.
There is something called a "marital debt" that each partner must pay to the other. Briefly put, either spouse must consent to relations should the other ask, otherwise the asking spouses' salvation is jeopardized by the offending spouse. Certainly there's room for understanding and moderation.
This idea is expressed in the epistles of St. Paul (1 Corinthians 7:1-10) and is returned to over and over again in teachings of the Church on sex. I believe it is referenced in a section on 'separation' in the CCC and certainly I have seen it in many works of Early Church Fathers, such as St. Augustine's "De bono conjugali". Following this I will include the quote for reference. (Understanding of what is reference to as 'an indulgence' is typically that men be allowed to marry at all.)
Yet I still find pervasive arguements for the selflessness which is the charism of a Catholic marriage. Yet I think you are misled in some of your conclusions.
Spouses should meet somewhere in the middle, with both giving deference to the other, and the spouse with the lesser drive providing for the one in greater need of the 'marital debt'. Extensions of this, of couse, are rapant in the lives of the saints, sure, but are not the general rule of the Church, mind you.
1 Cor 1-10
1 Now concerning the thing whereof you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 But for fear of fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render the debt to his wife, and the wife also in like manner to the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband. And in like manner the husband also hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud not one another, except, perhaps, by consent, for a time, that you may give yourselves to prayer; and return together again, lest Satan tempt you for your incontinency.
6 But I speak this by indulgence, not by commandment. 7 For I would that all men were even as myself: but every one hath his proper gift from God; one after this manner, and another after that. 8 But I say to the unmarried, and to the widows: It is good for them if they so continue, even as I. 9 But if they do not contain themselves, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to be burnt. 10 But to them that are married, not I but the Lord commandeth, that the wife depart not from her husband.
Strong sex drive is not an impediment to marriage. Sex as Anthony the president of AMS saliently put it is a vital reason for marriage. It belongs to the unitive aspect of marriage. Marriage without sex is incomplete. Customarily, it’s more difficult to annul a marriage that has been consummated because one aspect of marriage has been completed. Indeed, many organizations do not employ anybody that is not married since in their perception, marriage is seen as a means of being organized for both genders.
However, it is proper to differentiate between strong sex drive and promiscuity. It will amount to deception to use a polite word to camouflage a vice where promiscuity properly belongs. Promiscuity, strong and less sex drives are genetic. Some families are promiscuous, some have strong sex drive and some have less sex drive. For a promiscuous person, sex is not a desire it is a need. He or she is not satisfied with one partner. He/she is interested in polypartner. A promiscuous man can go to any level to please and impress a woman outside even if it means squandering the family budget on her. And a promiscuous woman can debase herself to the point of having affairs with a minor. These are few symptoms of promiscuity.
Strong sexual drive, which is equally called libido, has some enabling factors. Some of them are age, experience, social wellbeing and environment. Strong sex drive that is caused by age or inexperience disappears within few years of marriage. While both promiscuity and strong sex drive can be corrected through authentic counseling, it is more difficult to correct promiscuity than strong sexual drive especially when promiscuity is genetic.
In many traditional societies, there is enquiry into certain behaviors of the prospective spouse to determine those that are genetic and the ones that are individual. This is what the person in this context (the inquirer) should do to avoid a problem that could raise its ugly head later and destroy the marriage. Promiscuity has ruined many marriages. If it is discovered to be promiscuity, she should decide whether to go into the union or not. If it is discovered to be libido, this is a minor problem that could easily be corrected.
Less sex drive is equally a problem that is most often environmental than genetic. Once a former Religious Sister dragged her husband to the bishop complaining of his strong sex drives. The bishop told them to meet in the middle. The person with high drive should come down and the one with low drive should go up. Two of them should meet in the middle. The lady did not realize that her husband did not receive the orientation she had received while the man failed to understand that his wife was almost a novice in social life.
Marriage is a sacrifice of love between a man and a woman who are trying daily to outshow each other in love and compassion.