Must a married woman give up her career?
Dear Anthony,
I purchased the Road to Cana DVD to help me discern whether marriage is my vocation, and I was surprised by the episode on "What Men and Women Want" (part 2) regarding a woman giving up her career if she married. You advised that many women share this view. I have found nothing in Church law to support this choice. Is this something expected of a Catholic or did I misunderstand?
No, there certainly is nothing in "Church law" that says a woman "must" give up her career when marrying. That would be absurd, actually. However, many, many, many good Catholic women very much want to be stay-at-home moms and raise their own children, and take care of their family. There is a lot of work involved in tending to a home and family, and raising children. The women who are in careers are very open to leaving their careers for this very noble life of working from home, focused on the family. That is a very traditional role for women, and many Catholic women want to adopt this life when they are married. Men sometimes misunderstand a woman who has a career as being someone who wants to have both a career and a family. It is no crime to want this, or to do it after marriage and having children. But it is common knowledge (regardless of it not being Church law) that a stay-at-home wife/mother makes for a solid family structure and goes a long way toward keeping a family stable and safeguarding against divorce. But most of all, there is plenty of evidence that the children become much better and balanced adults when they have had a mother at home to bring stability and love to the home.
Basically what you mean is, if the woman truly cares about
having a family. She will terminate or skip the career. I dare
you to find 10 females on this site who are open to NFP
and are willing to submit to pregnancy & the vacuum as a lifestyle.
I think your comment was rather harsh. First of all, it really does depend upon the age of the woman and the financial situation of the family as to whether the mother/wife works or not. It also depends upon a woman's expectations and men certainly do need to know about this too. The truth is though what Anthony stated, and research has shown that children who have a mother at home during their younger years are able to form relationships and interact with people in a better and more permanent manner.
I had a career as a geologist and had two science degrees in my field, but I was more than happy being a stay at home mom. It was wonderful and I enjoyed homeschooling our children. My considerable education, which many women might consider to have been wasted, was a great benefit because I was quite capable of teaching my children many different subjects even Latin and grammar, which I know little of! To consider the lifestyle of being a stay at home mom a vacuum is quite frankly very insulting to the many women who choose to do so. Like anything else in life, it is what we make of it. I had many wonderful friends who shared my values and my kids had lots of positive influence from me staying with them. I work now but I would stay home in a heart beat to be with my kids again even as they go through high school. Of course, many families cannot afford mom to stay home because the father is not payed a family wage anymore. Our governments need to enact policies that are more supportive of families so that women can truly CHOOSE to stay home with their children if they so desire.
As for NFP, I dearly hope that there are more than 10 women on this site who would practice NFP! As I look back on my childbearing years I am sooo happy that I was able to use NFP. I still remember doing my first chart and feeling a sense of wonderment at how my body worked! You seem to suggest that it is enslaving of a woman to use this method but quite the opposite is true. It is contraception that enslaves women - to men and their desires.
Peace,
Patricia
If that is so, a Very dark future awaits to the huge, Vast majority of people in third world countries, and even to a good number of people living in the U.S., given the fact that the number of people who CANNOT afford to have only one parent working is huge.
I am not referring to a woman working because the family wants to have a pool, cable in every television, and a BMW for every adult in the household. I am talking about the woman who has to work because they need to pay the mortgage of their first small house, the one they bought in order to have space for their kids, to finish paying their entry level car loan, and to pay for the Catholic school for their 2 or 3 kids.
This is a optimistic scenario, let aside the SEVERE problems in third world countries where they're struggling to pay the rent and the meals of their children, who, given that the family is not wealthy, cannot dream of attending to a Catholic school...
My point is, many women Have to choose a work life rather than choosing the stay-at-home style (or the vacuum cleaner style, in Ann's terminology) not because they do not want children of integrity and faith, or because they don't care about the possibility of divorce, but because both her and her husband Want their children to be fed with healthy food every day, have a place to live in peace, rather than a crowded apartment.
I hope and pray that the Many families who live that way by need and not by selfishness of any of the parents (or of the woman) are blessede by God and do not see themselves doomed to divorce or poorly raised kids.
Yes, the vacuum cleaner life may require some sacrifice for the sake of the children. So it does the working mother life.
Although I see frustration in Ann's comment, I agree that there is a some bias in Mr. Buono's posting. My concern and question is:
How many women of faith, are therefore, expecting God to give them wealthy men for marriage, so that they can afford to not work and stay at home and still give Catholic schooling to their many children?
Why did Anthony’s remark sit for over 1 month ... without anyone responding to it. Because it drove us to silence. Because its an all or nothing depiction of the role of woman.
Not all families can afford to have a stay-at-home mother and while it could be optimal to have a stay at home mom, research also shows that a stressed out and depresses wife, does not make for an effective mother.
So what do we do? We ask the woman ... yes we take her into consideration. We ask her, what do you want, what can you give? We ask her, how shall we proceed given the circumstances of the family and our state in life?
What is absent in Anthony’s note is balance... he presents an all or nothing view. Your values and his values ... your mode of family life does NOT fit everybody. The presentation of a one size fits all is problematic, therein lies the problem.
While you didn’t object to giving up your career/staying home and found my comments offensive. We find your comments equally suffocating. So lets move forward, allowing each other to do what we are ABLE to do given our circumstances.
I cannot fathom how you would think that NFP would be enslaving to women. What an absolutely incredible attitude to have! Have you ever used NFP? Why do you think it is enslaving? Like anything, NFP can be abused and it certainly can be used as a method of contraception. However, you are suggesting that I am recommending using NFP imprudently and without balance. Of course not! And most people I know, don't use it in this manner. After all, it takes some doing to learn correctly, unlike the pill which is just popped into the mouth! And, most couples who use NFP, find that as a couple, they are aware of the woman's fertility and because of this, I believe there is more reverence and respect towards the woman. With a pill, no matter how you slice it, the woman IS sexually available all the time and will be even more so with the newer versions which offer the elimination of monthly menses. She ALONE is responsible for the couple's fertility with the man often taking little or no responsibility. This often places the woman in the difficult situation and can lead to abortion.
To my mind, that is enslavement!
Where in the world would you come up with a statement that NFP allows for sex without consequences. I hardly think so. A couple must make a decision continuously based on the woman's fertility symptoms, as to whether to have sex. If they decide to make love during a "relatively fertile" time, they take on the responsibility for the fact that there MAY be a new life created.
I know that many families are under alot of stress today. But, I honestly think that many Catholic couples simply go with the flow; the woman goes on the pill until they are "ready" for children and they have all their ducks lined up. The truth of the matter is, that there is no perfect time to have a baby. There will always be a reason not to have one. It all depends upon your attitude. Pope Benedict has on several occasions, mentioned that in the Western world, we have no room for babies in our lives and that we are "afraid" of children and the loss of freedom, we think they bring about.
I also think this applies to women working. Women have always worked outside the home - even in biblical times. Many women today have "jobs" as opposed to "careers", in order to help their families. This can be in the form of home-based businesses or part time work. The fact remains however, that children do best when one parent, preferably the mom, is able to stay home. This is the ideal but by no means the only way. Each couple must decide for themselves, realizing of course, that they are accountable to God in the end. However, having said that, I think many women become very caught up in their own careers and have really been fed the line that the "domestic life" is very unfulfilling and in fact, a waste. In my experience, I have met very few women, even very well educated women who have found this to be the case.
In the end, a couple must prayerfully do what is best for their families. I am sorry you find my opinion "suffocating", but it's based on experience and witnessing many families.
God bless,
Patricia
But not everyone can really afford to do that...
The implied absolutist terms of the comment "If the lady works, it is almost sure that the children will not be properly risen" might be leading a woman to look for the man who can afford to make her a stay at home mom...
I really believe that God would bless the union of 2 Catholic devout people even if both man and woman see the need of continuing to work... It will require more sacrifice from both...
But it is unfortunate that this is a topic that seems to be forgotten...
"I really believe that God would bless the union of 2 Catholic devout people even if both man and woman see the need of continuing to work... It will require more sacrifice from both...'
Of course God would bless such a union!
"I still keep wondering if saying that "A woman who gives up her career makes a better mother" does not mislead devout Catholic women to concentrate in looking for rich men... "
Good grief! What a cynical statement. Is this really what Catholic women do? I would hope this is not the case. One does not have to be rich to be a stay at home mom. This is another myth perpetrated by our culture. It just means you may not have many of the "extras" that other families have. I work about 25 hours per week (on a good week!) and my 10 year old still misses me quite a bit. When you have a family, there are considerable sacrifices that must be made for the good of the children. But, if it's a question of putting food on the table then of course that's different. I just don't think that it's quite that severe for most families with working moms - at least not in Canada anyway.
God bless,
Patricia
Well, I gotta go check on my daughter as she should be waking up from her nap soon!
Melissa