Where do I find Mr. Right?
Dear Anthony,
It seems I’m continually meeting Mr. Wrong — men who claim to be devout Catholics but turn out to be arrogant or unfaithful or abusive or into pornography, etc. Where are the men who live up to what they say they are?
I can appreciate all you have been through and how frustrating it is. I also agree with you about the confusion of men who say they are practicing Catholics but have emotional problems, show immaturity or arrogance, are verbally/physically abusive, or are addicted to pornography. Women, of course, have their "problems", too. There are definitely good men out there, though they seem hard to find. I think it is something much more than just Mr. or Ms. Right. There are so many potentially great spouses out there (men and women) who just aren't quite there yet (and may not know it), and whose potential is overlooked due to their so-called "issues".
The bottom line is that both men and women need to be working hard on themselves by God's grace to lead a single-minded, consistent, balanced life. This means that we rid ourselves of living dual lives (dream world vs. real world), of contradictions in the way we live our lives, of any excesses or extremes, of all things that are occasions of sin or distracting to our call to holiness, and from all excuses for why we are not what or who we should be before God and before others. We have to stop having a disordered existence. Our Christian call includes an ordered life, both internally and externally. It is a life of Christ's peace. St. Augustine said that peace is the tranquility of order. I love that he used that word "tranquility". And to apply that word to "order" seems kind of strange at first. But it makes perfect sense. An ordered life is freedom. And that freedom is peace; the peace that comes from Christ. Therefore, despite what is happening around us, we have a consistent tranquility because our lives are ordered always in the direction of Christ through the way we live our lives. So if any aspect of our life is disordered, Christ's peace does not reside with us.
I believe that a person who will make a good spouse is an ordered person, not a disordered person. And if he or she has some disorders, then knowing that and seeking order also makes them great potential spouses, because knowing your disorders and working on them is the sign of walking with the Lord.
But you don't hear men and women talking about the concept of an ordered life when they are dating or seeking their future spouse. But they should. Disorder is all around us, and modern society seems to be hell-bent on helping people become disordered (and making money off of that, of course). But we can't blame everything on society. Grown men and women should be able to know right and wrong, and have the capacity to make good choices for themselves and (if married) for their children. And if we also claim to be Christians, then we should be people of prayer and a sacramental life, which will provide us the Holy Spirit and grace to be able to see through these things that can lead to a disordered life. Finally, we should be people who work on knowing ourselves so that we understand the things we cannot do or partake in that can lead to disorder.
I know that sexual pleasure plays a major role in this disordered life I am speaking of. You seem to be a woman seeking to be a Proverbs 31 wife in a world of men that want a sexually casual and active girlfriend to hang out with. Sex seems to no longer mean responsibility for future children, but pure pleasure. And approaching dating no longer means a path to service of another in self-donation for the other's sake in the sacred institution of marriage, but selfishness and "What do I get out of this?"
You need a man who seeks the scriptural outline of a husband and who works on being virtuous. I know they seem hard to find, but they are out there. Just try not to overlook the ones that have potential, even if they are not quite there yet. I firmly believe that there are many "diamonds in the rough" out there. These are men who are substantially "good" but have strong influences from the world (many times without knowing it) and who have weak wills, and when they give in to temptation with a woman or try to be forward or pushy, could very readily be "led" by the woman into realizing they are wrong about this approach, and then subsequently reform. Basically, the gentle woman who takes a stand but is willing to forget about what the man tried to do could win his heart by her generosity. Again, I am talking about men who are not too far gone. Those addicted to sex or pornography or who have serious emotional or mental issues are not marriage material, nor should they be dating. But many men can honestly "slip up". If they are forgiven, gently handled and allowed another chance, that has great power to change a man and edify him toward the woman who does that. She is proving to be a great woman (and this kind of woman is rare).
So keep hope alive and persevere. The man you seek is out there. Don't let the "Mr. Wrongs" get you down. Pray for them. It will give you more strength and fill your heart with more charity and trust for men. Don't be surprised by these failures in men. And don't be too quick to dismiss every man who does something stupid or foolish as being Mr. Wrong. Men do stupid things. So men need a woman who can see the good in them and support and encourage that. They are attracted to a gentle woman whose strength is in her power to forgive when she has a right to cut off. Men also need a woman who can challenge them to be better than we think we are, without coming down hard or holding it over on them, especially at the moments they are not very impressive. That gentle leadership by a good woman helps men to take over the leadership role and never look back.
Men want a pretty woman (even "sexy" in worldly terms). Yet, they want her to be pure and devout, and so on...
But then, if they are disrepectful once towards us, by trying to be a little too pushy or beyond a reasonable boundary, or if they "accidentally" look at other women when they are with us, all that we are left to do is to be "loving and forgiving" and understand that sometimes "men are stupid"...
This is *really* sad! REALLY SAD!
I can understand if a person gets angry sometimes, or tends to be stubborn, or forgets birthdays and dates, or if they are so used to be "right" that they don't like being told they made a mistake.
I think we all have been there at some point. All of us have personality traits that can be annoying. All of us are imperfect.
But, in all honesty, this is really sad! If a guy says he is adevout Catholic and doesn't show it and tries to push beyond the purity boundaries, all I should do is "give a second chance"... I'm honest. It is EXTREMELY SAD.
This feels like the Mexican culture... He can do advances. But he will marry only a virgin lady... It doesn't matter if he has been pushy or disrespectful to her by trying to cross her boundary... She has to be lenient to that. That is sad, because it is no less than "macho" culture, rather than Godly.
Both men and women "slip-up", some more or less so than others, yet the wages of sin are death, and we are forgiven "as we forgive those who trespass against us". Not to be confused with being a "door mat" for inappropriate words or behavior. Our focus should be on Christ first, and all the rest will follow according to God's will. We don't read of Ruth complaining to Naomi or Boaz.
I have been surprised by some "Catholic" or Catholic women who don't control the words coming out of their lips very well, let alone their libido, so we're not all Joseph's (and even he once "planned to send her away secretly), and ya'll aren't all Marys (and even she did not alway understand :"said to Him, "Son, why have You treated us this way? Behold, Your father and I have been anxiously looking for You." And He said to them, "Why is it that you were looking for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father's house?" But they did not understand the statement which He had made to them.")
1 Tim 2:9-15 reflects some of what Anthony wrote, as does Ruth 3:11. Ruth 2-4 are pretty interesting as well. Then there is Proverbs 19:13-14, and Proverbs 31:10-31.
God bless,
Michael
There are many Mr. Rights out there. The problem is the ability to fish them out. And most of our modern women lack this ability that is based on patience and detachment from material allurement. Attachment in religious parlance is a complete vice but in social circle, it is given a vague interpretation. However, its consequences are usually grave wherever and whenever it occurs.
Arrogance in relationships of both genders is a two-way action, which is equal and opposite. Many marriages are crisis laden because of the man’s arrogance. As if arrogance is not enough, some of them combine it with bullying. Counseling experience has shown that many ladies discovered and were warned about these anti-social behaviors, they elected to go into the relationships based on cosmetic considerations.
In order to get Mr. Right, it is important to set priorities in order. One of the distinguishing factors of Mr. Right from Mr. Wrong is humility. “Mr. Wrong” has little or no regard for humility. He brags a lot and through his bragging, he impresses young women. Most often, young women see this humility in “Mr. Right” as a weakness in him.
Ultimately, there is need for discernment and counseling in this type of case. Outright rejection is not the answer nor is hasty acceptance the solution.
I’m not sure the list you give goes deep enough into “disorders”. I’d add uncontrollable addictions to gambling and alcohol, being a control freak or a work-a-holic, skinflintishness, and a few others. Along with verbal abusiveness, irresponsibility and plain old self-centeredness, these are the reasons many of my family and friends have dissolved marriages. Sex isn’t all of the story all the time.
You make a good point about readying ourselves for marriage and to that end, there are some of us who asked for help and with aid from Divine sources are getting ourselves ready. My big step was quitting a job that was slowly killing me with complete trust that God would help me find something else. Two months after my last day at my previous job, I interviewed for my current position. After a period of recovery, I’m far more my real self – and that includes getting a whole lot of things in order. I see now that I wasn’t in a good place to start any sort of relationship. Based on this experience and others before it, when a priest says, “Put your trust in God” and implores us to let go and allow the Holy Spirit to work, he means let go. And I mean let go. No worries. With God anything is possible. There’s still work involved, but it just happens.
As for forgiveness - as Christians, we are called to forgive. And when we do it, we receive far more than we give. That's something to remember even when the injustice of societal norms make us ill.