Am I corresponding with too many at one time?

Dear Anthony,

After a slow start on Ave Maria Singles, I’m now somewhat overwhelmed with corresponding with several women at once. It’s hard for me to turn anyone away. I don’t want to spread myself too thin, yet I don’t want to lose an opportunity with a new person either. How many would you say is too many to be writing to at the same time?

Great question. I'm glad you are having this problem :-) It's certainly better than no correspondences. I'm glad you are being conscientious about this situation. You definitely don't want to make anyone feel hurt or bad.

Regarding how many to write to at one time, my answer is to dialogue with as many as you can handle. I am a strong advocate of putting yourself out there to interact with as many single persons as you can in order to discover (and it IS a discovering process) the person you want to focus your efforts on toward seriousness. It might happen that you start narrowing down those you take more effort with, until you finally get to the point where there is one person you want to devote your entire attention to. Then, once you are in a "serious" relationship (which means you are exclusive), you enter "courtship" (which is the process of moving toward engagement to be married by discovering if there is any reason you should NOT marry this person).

I guess that does not answer your question exactly. That is because it is different for each person. Some people just can't handle writing to more than one person at a time. For some, it will be two or three. Then there are those who are so dedicated to the process of finding someone that they invest a lot of time in corresponding with many, many people and narrow it down as rapidly as possible. But this anxiousness can backfire. So many men take the inappropriate (and self-destructive) route of copying and pasting some very short, insincere, generic note that women can spot right away and are turned off by. For example: "Hi, saw your profile, write me if you want," or something like that. It is critical that your initial contacts makes sense if you are going to write to many people. If you plan to write something like I just gave as an example, then don't bother writing at all. No one (especially women) likes getting an initial contact from someone that shows no evidence of even reading their profile. It is a turnoff and will get you nowhere, as well as waste your time.

A great initial contact is at least a good paragraph or two that shares something about what you liked about their profile as well as something about yourself. For women who don't like initiating a contact, their strategy is to briefly share something she liked about his profile and leave it at that. A man knows what to do with that. If he doesn't, then he is not for her. At any rate, keeping dialogue with several or many members is challenging. But unless it can be done in a way that shows real interest and sincerity (and not like you are saying the same thing to everyone), then it can't be very effective. In other words, every message to someone should be customized to that person. Everyone, especially a woman, needs to feel unique and special. After all, the person you marry has to be someone who stands out above the rest. A well-written message will go a long way in making someone feel that way, and help with the chances of finding the person you are praying for.

This is the nature of meeting someone online. It's a lot of work, so it has to be carefully done, and you have to choose how many you write to at a practical level so this level of attention and customization can be maintained. It's hard to do this in person specifically because once in person, you are automatically at a more intimate level and you are dealing your time that demands more of the "physical presence". Until you meet people in person (which should be the goal of anyone you start writing to), you just keep writing to people who seem interesting and trying to discover who you more inclined to want to meet in person.

It should not take more than a month or two to meet someone in person. Otherwise, you risk wasting your time and the other person's time with endless written dialogue. Once you start meeting people in person, you realistically cannot manage more than one to three people at a time.

As for what to say to those you are no longer interested in, again, this is the nature of meeting someone online. Everyone has to know that everyone else is doing the same kind of scrutinizing in their searches and decisions about corresponding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "I think you are very interesting, but it would not be fair to you if I wrote any further because I am writing to a few people now. I would like to see where they lead. But if they do not lead anywhere, it would be an honor to correspond with you. I hope you understand. I will pray for you. Please pray for me." I'm sure many members will agree that just getting any reply at all would be an improvement. So writing some reply is great, but writing something like this is even better.

Anyone who does not appreciate a reply like that is not cut out for online dating. They should just do what they can to meet people offline wherever they can. It takes thick skin and a real commitment to the process in order to have success with online dating. It is not right for people to take anything "personally". No one is deliberately out to get anyone else. They just want to meet the one person they are praying for toward marriage. At the same time, you (and others) should not feel bad about having to tell members you do not have the capability of writing. No need to say "not interested." Rather, say you would be interested in writing if you were not doing so with others, and will be open to doing so if circumstances change.