Do chaste women have more difficulty finding a husband?
Dear Anthony,
It seems to me that women who have had pre-marital sex are the only women who get married. I find this very disappointing and the situation seems hopeless for those women who are committed to following the Church's teaching. Do you have any comments?
Thank you for writing and sharing this with me. It is an interesting observation you have. So you are saying that only those who have had pre-marital sex are the ones who end up getting married? I assume this implies that men are not going to last in any relationship where sex is not involved, let alone marry someone who is living a chaste single life.
If that is truly the case, then you do have cause to feel disappointed and hopeless regarding your chances for marriage. I don't personally believe there is a connection between openness to pre-marital sex and getting married. I also doubt very highly that most of those marriages are happy ones. There is a definite disadvantage to being promiscuous before marriage, and most marriages that have problems or issues can trace it back to individuals with promiscuous pasts.
But I do think those who are committed to chastity before marriage have a very hard time finding someone to build a strong relationship with, especially the women. They are discouraged because 1) they typically face dating someone they really like but that person is expressing or indicating interest in inappropriate sexual behavior, and 2) they really want to find someone who shares their commitment to chastity, primarily because it is an indicator to them that the other person has the same commitment to God that they do, and that this person is someone they can rely on to be strong when it counts. It is very difficult, however, to find someone whose will is NOT weak enough to be open to sexual activity before marriage when they are faced with the temptation. That is actually pretty "normal", unfortunately.
However, I also think that sometimes those who are firmly committed to chastity (whether a virgin or converted in mind and heart after a promiscuous past) might be too antagonistic toward those they date who seem open to pre-marital sex. These persons are practicing Catholics who otherwise are good and attractive people. For whatever reason, they just are not willing to save themselves for marriage, though they probably "want" that. But that does not necessarily mean these persons are not going to make good spouses. In fact, I think many of them have the ability to have a deeper conversion and renewed commitment based on being edified by the person they are with that stands their ground on this pre-marital sex issue. Sure, it would be nice to find someone who shares that commitment, but it should not be made to be "necessary". It's the harshness that a weaker person experiences that not only turns of that person or makes them feel they have no further chance, but it also punishes the person taking the stand harshly because they have to start over in their search for their future spouse.
Therefore, to be open to someone you might end up having to "lead" in this area could work out very beneficially, if you can be kind and gentle and understanding, but firm. Obviously, you never allow anything to happen. But you also don't have to make the person feel bad for a weak moment. Perhaps he or she just needed to have that leadership of the other to firmly say "No way", but also (very critical) that it is done in a gentle way that does not make the person feel that it is over and they are unworthy. I think it happens more times than not that the person who is committed to chastity is shocked or scandalized by the attempt of the Catholic they are dating, and makes that person feel terrible. Then that person cannot recover, nor does the chaste person want them to recover. It is over! It is a deal killer!
I believe it does not have to be a deal killer. Give the person a chance to step up. If he or she continues to show weakness and a desire to give in to pre-marital sex, then there are probably other issues there as well, and best to break it off. But when the objective is to marry, we have to be open to the opportunities. We are not marrying saints, we are marrying sinners. And as sacred as our sexuality is, sexual weakness is historically one of the most common problems of mankind. That does not give people license to BE "weak". In fact, in my opinion, sexual weakness says more about what other issues a person might have than just sexual weakness. Specifically, is this a person who is truly striving to be close to Jesus Christ and live His life? Is this person living a life of mortification and sacrifice in order to practice strengthening the will? Has this person given in to the philosophy that we are only “human”, when in reality we share the divine nature by Baptism into Christ, and therefore are capable of living a supernatural life?
Do you see what I am getting at? Sexual weaknesses should be forgiven. But if those persons who are sexually weak are isolating those moments as just being "weak moments" and not considering something deeper that may be there that needs to be worked on, then that is the aspect of that person that needs to be considered as to whether or not a relationship continues.
Having said the above, I think it is imperative to drive home the point that remaining chaste and never giving in to pre-marital sex temptations is something that so pleases the Lord, and will produce immense dividends within the marriage. And since it can be accomplished only by God's grace, then observing that the person has a serious sacramental life is required. This commitment to chastity is something that must be rewarded, and God will do just that.
My wife and I waited (though there were struggles), and I can see all the ways He has blessed us. They are blessings NOT because we are better than anyone else, but because when inevitable moments of temptation were presented, we responded to God's grace. To have a respect for marriage and for the most important and profound gift we had to give to each other on our wedding night that you can never get back once given before marriage is something everyone should be thinking about and talking about at all stages of a relationship.
Sadly, this kind of attitude toward sexuality and marriage is not easy to find in people, even good Catholics. There is still too much of a disconnect made by people when it comes to sex and love. Sex is still too much interpreted as being an okay expression and proof of love in a developing relationship. That means that there is still a lot of work to do, and prayers to be said. But it does not mean that the sexually weak are hopeless. They need edification and inspiration. And that is probably going to come only from those they date who are heroic in their position, BUT ALSO gentle and understanding toward the weaker person, and ready to offer a second chance.
So I suggest that you remain open to any man you date who might show signs of wanting things to go further, and treat him gently and keep him feeling welcome. Give him more time. If he does not improve, then move on. But also don't ever give up your position. It is very admirable that you are chaste and are committed to stay that way until marriage. Though the whole world give in to pre-marital sex and you remain faithful, you are in the right and should remain there no matter what. You will be blessed more than you know, regardless of whether or not you marry. And what a treasure you will be for the man who finally finds you and wins your heart. It will be a very blessed marriage.
God willing, there will be one man out there who is attracted to your unwillingness to engage in inappropriate sexual behavior before marriage, and finds himself to be a better man because of it. Certainly, love in a man is proven to a woman when he still proceeds to marriage having never had sexual experiences with her that are proper only to marriage. I do think those men are out there, and they just need to be gently led by a good woman who does not punish him for his weakness, but rather understands where he is, yet never will permit him to advance. A respectful and charitable man of God will cease trying to advance and put the woman into an occasion of sin.
I pray for you and all women, and even all men, who find themselves in this situation. I pray you maintain your chastity, but also pray that you not be quick to disregard those who are weaker until they give you continuous reason to move on. You just might find a diamond in the rough.
admirable. I would really encourage the Ladies and the gentlemen
out there that it adds depth to who you are. It is very refreshing
to know that one is pure mind and body. It makes it easier to
go to greater height in the spiritual life.
Why so many divorces and annulments in the Church in the U.S.? Simple neither party steps up to the right thing and instead they jump through whatever hoops the church places but never embrace the true nature of the sacrament of marriage.
Jeannie
Why on earth does it have to be ME doing the entire sacrifice to have a chaste relationship? Please realize that as a woman I do have hormones and I do have impulses, and it is not fair to place all the burden of preserving the chastity on me.
Sure, I can be nice and gentle and explain things. BUT WHY should I allow myself to be tempted in that way? Sure, I love God, but I am a human being, and as the Bible clearly states, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
I do agree that I don't need to give a scandalous reaction and being judgmental to a date that doesn't believe in chastity. Agreed that I can be loving in pointing out something. However, is it okay to PUT MYSEKF IN TEMPTATION OR IN AN OCCASSION OF SIN by not terminating right away a romatic relationship with someone who crosses the boundary (and therefore is putting my hormones and will to the test)??? NO.
It is not okay. When I go to confesion, I promise to God to get far from occassions of sin. Well, a man who attempts to touch me or caress me in a sexual way is an occassion of sin. No need to come harsh on him.
But it would be sinful from me to keep exposing myself to that occassion of sin.
I am afraid that Mr. Buono is underestimating the strength of the sexual impulse within women. We are made of flesh too.
We don't need to be tempted. It is plain better to say goodbye to those who do not believe in chastity right away. Better to be friends with God than exposing ourselves to offend the One who does love us above everything.
I think it would be really helpful if you wrote a short blog/article on the fact that there are three types of fitness that are necessary for a person to have to be considered a prospective mate: spiritual fitness (being an excellent Catholic doesn't mean being a prude or goody two-shoes); mental fitness (being a mature person with healthy self-esteem, confidence, and a minimization of hang-ups, bad attitudes and negativitiy, personal drama or personal baggage in their daily lives); and physical fitness (attraction is not an option, either someone is attracted to you from the first look or they are not). Physical fitness from a male perspective is particularly important. Men who are not obese are just not going to look at or want to date/marry obese women and unfortunately in the last 15 years obesity has become a lifestyle choice here in America.
Some will say that men are shallow for wanting a woman that looks good in a swimming suit, a cocktail dress, or on the back of a motorcycle. Those who say that do not understand or respect male sexuality. In doing so they confine themselves to dating weak, desperate, physically unappealing, or handicapped men. Of course sometimes an idea or principal is worth sacrificing your life for; although, to be frank, dying as a Virgin Martyr or living as a Consecrated Lay Person should be a joyful choice not a sad or bitter one. Sexuality isn't dirty, thats a gnostic heresy; rather, God designed it to be the engine of Human Nature. The engine has great power, respect it and use it the way the great Designer intended.
Men want a physically beautiful woman who is also cool and mature. Physical beauty is 80% physical fitness, 10% style and grace, and 10% genetic. All women can get to the 90th percentile.
Just my thoughts. God Bless.
the act of becoming one flesh.
Sure, everyone is weak and sin should always be forgiven in the repentent, and this forgiveness and grace is of the utmost importance to the Christian seeking salvation and a right relationship with God. However, the primary question here regarding the earthly vocation of marriage should be: What is created, according to natural law, when two people become one flesh ... even when it is outside of marriage? Not enough people are asking this important question.
Isn't it how God made us that such a profound sharing and exchanging of selves would have a life-long effect? The act of becoming one-flesh causes a union of selves on the level of nature that does not end when the act is over, regardless of how regretful and forgiven one may become, for when two persons literally enter each other and become part of each other in the sex act it is beyond their power to reverse this. A question to ask here might be: Is the exchange of sexual intercourse just a temporary act, or a permanent condition? Indications seem to point to the latter.
Because of the memories, a married Christian man who had premarital sex with other women once said, I never felt alone in the bedroom with my wife. Might he be expressing a mystery regarding sex that needs further exploring?
I write this not to invite despair, but conversation. Please enlighten me with your insight.
temptation but there are differences regarding timing and intensity between female and male. Do the homework and you will see if we were alike things would be a disaster.
The differences are proof to me God had a plan for creating new souls while at the same time we can practice good stewardship within creation.
As a single woman who dates, it is difficult to date someone who does not "get it". Those who pointed out the fact that women are tempted as well are completely accurate. Yes, it is true to an extent that many men will go as far as women will allow and the woman must put the brakes on, but this is not an easy task. To stack the deck against her is cruel and can be an occasion of sin. Again, women have feelings and hormones as well. There is also the added psychological pressure of wanting to be loved, accepted, and not abandoned that women face, a result of original sin ("Your urge shall be for your husband and he will lord it over you"). This is very real, whether the woman is conscious of it or not.
Also, I want a husband who understands the human person. Someone who doesn't understand chastity is not going to understand how I need and deserve to be loved and treated, not to mention himself or our children. Speaking of children, what will his words or attitudes teach them?
The last posting disproves Mr. Buono's point. This woman described a relationship in which the couple continued to fall and the man began to lose his sense of the Sacrament of Confession. Ultimately the relationship ended.
Dating is very difficult for faithful Catholics in our society. Believe me, I know. But as one person commented, I would rather be alone before damaging my friendship with the Divine Friend, with Whom I want to spend all of eternity. There is no marriage in Heaven and a temporary relationship is nothing compared to an eternity of happiness with Our Lord. His Love is worth infinitely more. God Bless all of you in your search. Let us pray for one another!
On that note, I think it would be a great idea to frankly discuss boundaries, how they really work, how they're meant to work, as well as the practical application of it. For instance, the whole concept of "location, location, location" is very important. Other items to consider: time of day, how much time is spent, activities involved in, friendships cultivated (i.e. accountability partners), even the types of foods shared (you'd be surprised to know how certain kinds of foods eaten at certain times of the day "jack up" the libido), an agreed upon shared prayer life, as well as an active overall "game plan" to remain chaste etc. etc. etc. I do think that we as women can tend to shy away from an open discussion on these topics, though most men welcome these kinds of discussions. It's like the building blocks they liked to play with as kids. Do many of you know many men who doesn't like a game plan?
In the end, I do believe it's possible, both for the men and us women. Let's face it, the world hates the idea of solid families, chastity, depth of personality (ever notice how many of the strongest magazines are dedicated to pretty much "fluff" and sex?) and holiness in general. The first and strongest weapon of single people in the fight for chastity is ....prayer, prayer, prayer and more prayer. Eucharistic adoration, I CANNOT stress enough. Marian devotion, I CANNOT stress enough. The culture dictates we wrap our arms around these devotions, because they are the only effective tools for this kind of battle. With God, nothing is impossible. Yes, we women have to fight and defend our chastity. ABSOLUTELY. But I thin we often feel we have to do that is with the men, when really the fight is with spiritual forces. At heart, it's a fight that needs to be conducted through prayer and in prayer.
Yes, we do need to flee the occasion of sin, but more often than not, it's an issue of education rather than will. Most guys I know don't often get the opportunity to fully discuss chastity issues, so as a result they just don't know what to do or how to do it. They're told to be chaste, without knowing how and why. I often find they enjoy learning things and will happily sit down with a woman who is willing to be open, honest and frank. Dating or courting couples need mentors to check in with, ... so pray for that. They need a friends of the same sex who share their ideals and are willing to hold each other accountable. It's too easy to try and figure it out on their own. Prayer really is pretty powerful. If you need to find people who will support the person you want to see, pray that they'll develop friendships that will support your relationship.
Please note, I say all of this coming from the point of view of someone who does not have the purest background. As a woman I feel my purity assaulted on a constant basis. I'm definitely human and have strong hormones. It's not easy for me at all. It's a hellish struggle. Nevertheless, I have great confidence in the ability for a woman to be and remain in a chaste relationship with a an attractive, strong man, .... so long as her commitment and dedication to her faith goes far above and beyond the every day practicing catholic's lifestyle. We cannot afford to go with the catholic "status quo",... we have to enter into "serious preparation for sanctification" territory. Ladies, we cannot afford to be an average practitioner and expect to find a man who will practice chastity with us, and bewould be a strong, healthy match for us. If we want a really good man, who will be a leader in our households, we have to be praying before the Eucharity and in Mary, in a very intent way for him NOW. They need to fight for us physically, but we have to fight for them spiritually. I think we'll be happily surprised to discover that our prayers will bear fruit moment to moment in a relationship, if we're willing to drop to our knees at a moment's notice. =)
On that note, I send all my love and support out to the ladies. I know it's hard. I'm in the same boat as you are. But together we can all have faith and together our joined prayers for the men WILLL bear fruit. Amen?? =) AMEN! phewwww... okay, I'm off my soapbox now. =)
In Mary,
M
I have found that even in this respect, God can and will at His own discretion, "heal" the damaging effects of the practice of impurity. In some cases I know of, even complete erase all memory of any previous acts and in a sense, literally wipe away the experience. How this works, I can't tell you, but I can tell you this: it does require an INSANE level of dedication and commitment to a level of surrender in prayer that is very, very, very difficult for many people to manage. God's healing love in the Eucharist in particular, healed those individuals (and continues to heal myself). In my own case, I will admit I don't have a pure past. In fact, my background starts at the age of 7 (a sexual molestation). Sexuality is a part of my earliest "memories". It was a major part of my formation as an adult, and I ended up making some big mistakes as a result. However, I've discovered that as a result of continually bringing this to God and surrendering my body to the Eucharist, it got to the point that when a guy snuck in for a kiss recently, I physically felt like I had never been touched before. It was such a shocking experience, it was overwhelming. When I brought it up to a confessor, he smiled and said that he's not surprised and that he's heard similar stories and that because all things are possible with God, why not??
Having that experience, gave me greater courage, as well as having that experience confirmed by a few married persons whom I know very, very, very well. God can do anything He wants, all we have to do is commit ourselves 100% to His power and grace... not just externally, but internally as well. I'm not saying that sexuality outside of marriage isn't a massive rupture in the being of a person. It does. I know it from experience. But I also know, that God's grace is always greater... regardless, of our own limitations. The reparation can be quite painful, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention that it will require GREAT, GREAT resolution to willingness to be "rebuilt", so to speak. However, if we believe in a God of miracles, then why not, indeed.
Blessings and many grace to you,
m
What a beautiful post!
Boy, your post made me really want to strengthen my prayer life and get ready for battle!
I think I'd give a guy one pass on this issue. If he comes back with inappropriate behavior a second time after having had discussions on the topic, I say kiss him good bye: not because you think you're better than he is, but becasue you know you are not. I know I am not at that level of heroic virtue. Maybe I will get there someday. You have certainly encouraged me to step up my efforts in that regard.
To Kathleen, I agree. I'm at a point where I won't give a guy any more chances if I can see he's not serious about considering my position. I'm open to discussions and enjoy the peace and clarity of them. It can be entertaining to say the least. =) However, if a guy still insists on pushing it after that, I won't keep the door open for him.
That tells me his level of maturity among other things. If he's too shallow to want to put serious effort, I'd rather be on my own, and wait in trust for the person who will want to grow with me and not against me. I have complete trust in that. Why wouldn't God honor that desire of our hearts? I'm serious about it, and noone can outdo God in intention. =)
So, it's back to being on our knees in prayer, and the beauty of that is... every prayer we pray to strengthen our future husband.... is strengthening him in grace and virtue at that moment. The only trick is... lol, staying in that faith. "And she held all these things in her heart." It's the hardest thing to learn, but I do believe it is the key. I'm praying with you!!! You're not alone. You have your other sisters in Christ who are fighting with you all the way!!! It's all a process, right?? I'm certainly not heroic, ... far from it. That's not goign to stop me from growing in it though. =) Great to hear you're on board. Time for a fun ride, eh?? ;)
Blessings and grace to you this day!!
m
There likely is very few who have made a conscious decision to be committed to no sex until marriage. If you have good for you. I am a man in my 30's and a virgin. I would really like to marry a woman who is a virgin. However, I realize there are probably not many men and women (even catholics) in my age range who are still virgins. As much as I really would like to marry a virgin, I have decided not to make it a requirement. Someone could make it a requirement and that's fine, but it would limit the possibilities even more of what is very limited to begin with. A main point of my post is to distinguish between past mistakes and current behavior. The Bible is very clear on fornication. It seems that many christians don't take this seriously. For me both being committed to no sex until marriage is a requirement. Early in the relationship both should ask each other if they are committed to no sex until marriage. If one says no even after talking about it then the person committed to chastity should go on to the next. If you feel called to the vocation of marriage then you are going to have to take the risks involved to date and part of preparing for marriage is to talk about chastity during dating/courtship. If a person has done something in the past and changed their ways is one thing and should be forgiven. It is another thing that this article is more about if the person is not committed to no sex before marriage. If after one close call and you telling them your views about this and they don't agree or don't sincerely sound like they are going to make an honest effort then that probably should be the end of it. It's up to you. How do they bevave after this? Do you consider they are trying to respect you and not put you in this position again? If a "man" pushes having sex before marriage, then he is not ready for marriage. This is a huge clue in your own side of the discernment process. For me, if a woman has been unchaste in the past it is not a deal breaker. If she currently does not want to be chaste during dating then it is a deal ender. However, if she wants to be chaste and especially if she is a virgin then it can be a deal maker. This area shows an enormous amount of maturity and character. It is a very beautiful quality. With so many diseases a man and a woman should get tested for std's before having sex together (before agreeing to get married). Being chaste (especially in this day with so many diseases and a disregard for the sacredness of sex/marriage/and life itself) is very, very valuable. Especially a man needs to be a leader of himself first, then his wife, and his family. I don't want to go to hell and I don't want to expose my future wife to any diseases. That is how I am showing respect for my future wife now. It is an almost every day struggle, alright, even every hour, but it has built up an incredible amount of inner strength, character, pure love, hope, desire, and faith in God that it's worth it. It is my proof that I will also be faithful after marriage. We should consider being chaste part of our value that we have to offer. Everyone has valuable qualities about them that are attractive (their looks/faith/ personality/etc). If someone says they are chaste I immediately recognize that valuable quality in them. Aside from the birth control pill can be an abortifacient, creating a devotion to Mary the mother of Jesus is a large part of what "converted" me to be open to NFP. Having to honestly ask myself during the consecration if I would give my entire self, give everything, to Jesus through Mary. Asking questions such as this can help a person to see the truth and be set free. When something is difficult, takes much effort, putting so much of yourself into it, then the greater the feelings of gratitude/accomplishment/fulfillment/and joy when it finally does happen and you find a spouse to marry and share your life with.
Nice to know there are men out there that respect this in a woman.
I'm so impressed by your posting! Who are you, I'd like to know? How did you become so amazing to have that logic in your posting?
Please feel free to email me off line.
Take care,
Elizabeth
justanotheremailtoo@yahoo.com