Is the "contraceptive mentality" keeping marriages from happening?
Today, I am joyfully celebrating the 40th anniversary of "Humanae Vitae" of Pope Paul VI (which basically articulates how artificial methods of birth control cannot be justified nor permitted by the Catholic Church). If you have not read it, I strongly recommend it (it's on the Vatican website). It's particularly joyful for me because it is this teaching of the Catholic Church, and the reality of so many professed Catholics not accepting or practicing this teaching, that inspired me 10 years ago to start the website "Ave Maria Singles" (originally "Single Catholics Online"). I believed that single Catholics called to marriage and who wanted to live a life faithful to all the Church's teachings needed a place to meet each other. The issue of contraception was, and still is, a key cause of division for Catholics dating.
But the use of contraception is only part of the problem. There would not be a "use" if there was not a "contraceptive mentality" behind it. And what is a "contraceptive mentality"? From what I observe, it has various levels; some obvious, some not so obvious.
There are others much more learned than I who can expound on this more thoroughly. Dr. Donald DeMarco, for example, does an excellent job of it in his article in the Homiletic and Pastoral Review called "The Contraceptive Mentality". He makes it clear that contraception is an enemy of marriage, and those who use it have a very real fear of having babies. Thus, the push in the world to use overpopulation, diminishing food supplies, or personal financial crisis as a justification for why people should not have large families or why an unwed mother should have an abortion.
I work in the field of helping single Catholics find their future spouse, and my main function is to help single Catholics prepare well for marriage, and actually get married. So what does the "contraceptive mentality" have to do with single Catholics? Certainly, Catholics are not afraid of having babies, nor do they voluntarily want to use artificial contraceptives in their future marriages, right? Well, wrong. Sad to say, there are many Catholics who subscribe to the more obvious level of the "contraceptive mentality" described above. However, I can confirm that most of the single Catholics I have worked with or who are on our website are pro-life, pro-babies, and anti-contraception in marriage. That is definitely something to rejoice about.
But I am concerned about something that might not be so obvious. Is it possible that a person who otherwise does NOT believe in the use of contraception could still have a "contraceptive mentality"? And could this be a reason why marriages are not taking place?
Every baby created in the womb of a woman gives glory to God. God loves babies and wants many born to manifest His Glory and to populate heaven. There really is no such thing as "too many babies", at least not from God's perspective. We are given a "co-creating" privilege to participate in the creation of a human being WITH God. God is the creator and author of life. We are participants, yes, but we are also co-creators. That alone should make people find a suitable partner and get married, don't you think? But I don't think people really think about this, and other matters or concerns cause a distraction that could be deterring people away from marriage.
It is also an interesting observance that not enough babies are being born to secure the preservation of Western society. Isn't it strange to hear observers say that the Muslims are taking over places like Europe primarily on the merit of their having more children than we are? I think this makes a very good argument for the patriotic duty, or even religious duty, to have babies NOW, and lots of them! The consequence? Not enough people to take over the society, and thus leaving an open door to the procreative Muslims. Something to think about.
Am I saying grab the first person you can find, marry, and get to the work of having babies? Of course not. But the facts can't be denied. We need more babies born. We need more Catholics! We need more holy families living in the world and giving witness to Christ! These are real needs. That means we need more marriages and more large families. This requires a generosity on the part of the married couple to be open to life and not to do anything that would block conception for anything other than what the pope called "grave" reasons. There is a responsibility required in having and raising babies, too. There can't be the extreme of calculating a finite number of children, and there can't be the extreme of using the woman as a baby-making machine without any regard for circumstances of life. In general, it is to be said that larger families have to make a come back.
But it is very apparent that neither the greater good of society nor religious obligation are going to be enough of a motivator for more people to get married. Today's single person wants to find love and romance. There is nothing wrong with that. Will they find the level of love they desire? I don't know. I guess some will and some won't. Unfortunately, the ones who won't will assume that that means they were meant to remain single. I don't believe so. The more appropriate attitude is that it is possible to marry a good man or woman, and have love, and have a family, and have a good and fulfilling life, and be happy; and in the process, you will have glorified God many times by the children conceived, and helped populate Heaven. After all, is this not the main reason God made man and woman and gave them a sexual desire to ensure this purpose would take place (and they would enjoy the process)?
Marital love glorifies God in the mutual giving, and the procreation of children. But because there are no guarantees, marriages don't take place due to all kinds of reasons which we won't get into here, mostly fears of some kind or another. I argue that this is a form of contraception. If marriage does not take place, then babies cannot happen. For the practicing Catholic, that is the order of things. You marry, then you have the babies.
Wouldn't it be just like the Enemy to confuse and disorient the good Catholic person so that their dating and courtship life is one giant uncertainty, full of doubt, leaving no ability to know anything for certain, and ultimately, either postponing their getting married so fewer babies are born, or getting people past the age of being able to have babies. This confusion extends to the men who are at the age when a woman of the same age is no longer able to have children, but still want a large family, and spend more continued years seeking a younger woman who will give them this large family they want and believe is desired by God, but the women of childbearing age are not interested in. Women always ask me why men are going for the younger woman. It's because they want the large family they believe is their Catholic duty. It's a noble reason. Unfortunately, they allowed the wait to marry to go on too long and for many, they are past the age of being able to marry someone who can give them lots of babies. They should be content to marry closer to their age and have one or two, and consider themselves blessed to be given a family when they might rightfully not deserve it due to their procrastinating marriage. Women, too, are not without fault. Many made themselves unavailable to men, whether because of their careers or maybe emotionally due to trust issues from bad past experiences. And let us not forget that through no fault of men or women, the lack of maturity in individuals and terrible economic or career uncertainties play a part in why marriage is postponed to a later age. However, for many who have a mind and heart to admit it, they are not married for bad reasons which I'm sure they can figure out for themselves.
Marriages not taking place is a form of contraception, because it insures that no babies are born. Whether there are good reasons or not for why marriages don't take place, I think that people need to start getting even more heroic in their efforts to overcome these reasons or problems or issues, and do everything they can to get into their vocation. God is depending on our free-will decisions. Only then can He bless abundantly, even through hard and challenging times.
I know there is much more to this when it comes to men and women and the issue of why marriages don't take place than I am presenting here. But I wanted to share this question I have been pondering and trying to figure out, and share my opinion of what the answer is. Admittedly, my opinion does lean on the side of being an overgeneralization. But I would love to hear the opinions of others about this idea that marriages are not taking place due to the "contraceptive mentality" that (probably unknowingly) has been creeping into the minds and attitudes of good Catholics seeking marriage.
I think you hit it on the head, Anthony. Dear Abby used to advise people that the best place to meet a person to marry was at church. Take a good luck next Sunday. At my church there are NO single people between the ages of 18 and 30 except the priests and sisters. I'd love to hear the comments from young people on THIS one.
Get rid of electricity if you want big families to make a comeback. Otherwise world-wide you will continue to see smaller and smaller families as societies modernize and get away from subsistence farming/fishing.
Historically men never marry their female peers. Men almost always marry younger women. Women almost always like guys who are older than they are (even in high school and college). It has to do with maturity, money, prestige, popularity, and power.
Men like youthful women because usually age correlates with beauty. The younger a post-pubescent girl generally the prettier she is. Men like beautiful women. This drives the cosmetics and fashion industry. It will never change.
People don't want to get married just to have babies in our society, they can do that without being married. Its not the primary reason to get married anymore now that we no longer have family farms. People want to get married because they want a companion of the heart. Children are the fruit of marital love they are not the cause or motivating factor in the creation of marital love.
Lastly, good Catholics know that a person should not get married unless they want children. Lots of Catholics are not particularly fond of children and so they do not get married.
Repopulating Europe, the shrinking population of whites in the world, and the Muslim birth explosion are not real reasons to start a family. Who honestly cares about any of those things when you realize that Europe does not deserve to be saved from ITSELF. Either does America. We will reap what we sow and be glad to have it.
No one "just settles" on their friends. You shouldn't "just settle" on a spouse either. UNLESS you like being divorced. People are not going to put up with being married to a person who is incompatible to them. Its too easy to sever the relationship and move on. This drives caution in marrying in today's society as well. You have to make absolutely sure its the right person.
just my thoughts,
-Patrick
No way! Marriage just because *I* want to be *a co-creator* comes from self pride, so self centered. "I have to get married so that I get to be co-creator with God".
THANKS GOD there are people who realize that God's will is first.
We are to get married if it's God's will not because we will be co-creators, but because He wants us to better fulfill his call to BE SERVANTS AND LOVING, this is His will and commandment.
And, sure, as a plus, it turns out that this commandments comes with a fantastic gift...: Becoming a co-creator.
How in the world did you get this " Lots of Catholics are not particularly fond of children and so they do not get married"
What what is your source? Where are you getting your data? Who is your sample?
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Are you saying that those of us who are not married (without good reason) are contracepting. If so, this implies that we are all in mortal sin.
"There are no guarantees, marriages don't take place due to all kinds of reasons which we won't get into here, mostly fears of some kind or another. I argue that this is a form of contraception"
You are not the only person I have heard say that children are merely the "fruit" of marital love, not the "cause' of it. I have even heard this from very good Catholics who really get into the Theology of the Body and don't interpret it very well. The reality is that the Church still teaches that the primary purpose of marriage is procreation. The unitive aspect is important but the "main point" of marriage is having children.
I have some debt from college and I need someone focused dealing with reality ready to start a family and pull us through times easy and tough with a plan.
It just seems with womans lib. I am left doing everything and men want to Hang out. What does that mean anyway. But with debt and a weak man. It creates a situation that makes for a contraceptive mentality. Giving the expensive life demands we need strong personalities.If you don't want to have kids this is the wrong time or wrong guy.
While these may be legitimate questions one has to raise, it more often than not blinds us that we don't trust on God anymore but on ourselves.
I use my own experience and knowledge to form the basis of my opinion, I am not a Statistician, Socioligist, nor a Ph.D who conducts pure academic research. I'm an Army Officer and so my expertise lies elsewhere than conducting surveys of cohorts and then extrapolating data from them.
That being stated there is a significant single Catholic population in my peer and subordinate group here at work in the US Army and in my own orthodox Catholic family. Kids are seen either as un-needed drama or as something to which other people are called (i.e. lots of the Catholic people I either know, outside the military too, or supervise do not consider themselves to be good parent material and so do not want to have kids).
I happen to like kids and have two sons myself.
However, growing up in a large family, my parents used to constantly get disapproving looks, disapproving comments, or sarcastic remarks from people (including lots of Catholics) who could not fathom why anyone would willingly have a large family or "know when to stop having kids."
Additionally, young Catholic men in the 18-26 year old bracket are quite up front about "remaining single" and "not having kids." These guys are not embarassed to state their opinion or wants or needs. They don't feel guilty about not wanting kids or wanting to get married. They state it matter of factly. Kids get in the way of having fun and partying. They would also rather not be monogamous and so are not interested in getting married any time soon.
I do believe this is a product of a "contraceptive society." I just don't think the dijinn can be put back into the lamp. It hasn't worked out that way in Europe, Russia, or Japan. I don't see why America will be any different. And you know, South America is only 20 years behind us as well.
Quite frankly, I don't care a whit either. I have determined that the most a good Catholic can do is to raise his own family as best he can and do his part in his own local community. Other people have called this the oil spot strategy. I call it realistic. There will be no further Great Awakenings in our society.
I would call that a version of the "Chicken versus the Egg" paradox. Only I don't think its all that complicated. The Sacrament of Marriage is indeed all about procreation. However, the Sacrament of Marriage presupposes a more fundamental human relationship in existence BEFORE itself: the ardent love and relationship of the woman and man prior to the marriage. The sacrament rests on the foundation of this prior human relationship and without it the sacrament cannot even exist. So you are right absolutely in a legalistic sense: Children are the cause of Marital love. However, that rests on the foundation of the pre-existing and much more important love and relationship between the Woman and Man. So children are indeed the fruit of the love between the woman and man-just not the marital love. I guess its good to keep the terms defined in as exact a manner as possible. ttyl Maggie.
-Patrick