Should I avoid being alone with a man I'm meeting for the first time?
Dear Anthony,
I have been corresponding with another member of Ave Maria Singles and we have decided to meet in person. He will be coming to visit me in my town. My concern is that, though we have spoken on the phone a few times, he is still a stranger. I know I should be cautious when meeting someone for the first time, but at some point we will likely be alone together in a car, such as when I pick him up at the airport. Do you have any suggestions on how I could approach this issue without making him uncomfortable?
Your concerns are quite natural, and not to be disregarded or put aside lightly. You are absolutely right that this person is a stranger. But you will quickly get an impression of him once you get to spend some time with him. More than likely, he will turn out to be a harmless person and probably very nice (regardless of whether or not further attraction is there or you pursue the relationship further after the meeting).
But a woman has to be comfortable, and it should be the man's desire to always want to make the woman feel comfortable. I don't see anything wrong with talking to him on the phone and sharing this feeling about alone time with him based on not really knowing him yet at the "in person" level. He should be very understanding when you share it. I guess it depends on how you share it, too. Perhaps the best approach is to say something like, "I'm looking forward to meeting you. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I am just concerned about being alone with you during this first meeting. I'm sure you are a wonderful person, but as a woman, I can't help having a slight concern." And then you can go on to ask him if you can both work this out together, before the meeting, with ideas on how to help you overcome this concern.
Again, he should be very eager to accommodate you and be very understanding. If he takes it personally or does or says anything to make you feel uncomfortable (or maybe even make you feel stupid for having such a concern), then don't bother meeting him in person at all. You will have saved yourself a wasted weekend.
Another suggestion (one I would offer a woman if she had voiced this concern with meeting me for the first time) is to meet somewhere at the airport for an hour or two for coffee or lunch or something. The airport is an immediate public place that offers a great opportunity to be alone without being completely "alone". If you are picking him up, that is what I would suggest. If you don't feel comfortable with him after that initial time, then you should call someone to come pick up both of you :-) Or maybe he should just catch the next flight home from there. More than likely, you will get comfortable enough to drive back to where you are going.
I am not a big fan of isolated alone time for a man and a woman who are not married. For a first meeting, you have the concerns you are voicing here. But for a couple developing a relationship, there are the other sexual attraction factors. Being completely alone together is just an overall bad idea. Obviously, some things cannot be avoided, like driving together in the car. But a car is different from an apartment. For your purposes, perhaps you should have a friend or relative drive with you to the airport to pick him up. Again, you can get some time to break the ice while not being completely alone.
I believe for the most part you can relax about this, while at the same time being reasonably prudent. My strongest advice is to talk about it with him beforehand by phone.
We still wound up spending a good deal of time together in the car--which was quite uncomfortable for me really, I'm too accustomed to the driver's seat to be an eager passenger--but I felt it wiser to offer us both a bit of space before, during, and after the weekend. Our relationship didn't last too much longer, but we avoided the possibility of physical intimacy fairly well.
In a few months, I plan to visit another lady in her home town. It's closer, so I can drive there, but I plan to stay with her friends. I'm thinking that'll be a good arrangement. It'll save me the cost of the motel, give me a chance to see what sort of people she's spending time with outside work, allow them to advise her regarding me, and generally keep things up front and "smooth". Still need to discern what we'll be doing that weekend, but we've got time to think about it.
Point is, I figure that if a man isn't willing to take the time and effort, and maybe money, to help ensure that hanky-panky doesn't happen, a woman should have some serious reservations about whether he's capable of being a responsible husband and father.
I think with this internet dating scenario, it lends itself to premeditating everything. it's just the nature of this way of meeting.
If you know you are going to meet this person, just be a little more careful than normal. I have actually had friends or a girlfriend sit in the public place where I could see them without him knowing it. Occassionally texting if necessary. BUT most of the time, I just make sure to tell a friend exactly where we are meeting and the time and all details. Have a code phrase in place in case it seems weird. Usually it's ok, but you want to have yourself setup just in case in this crazy world. You never know who you are meeting, but you don't want to be paranoid on your date. You can avoid that just by making sure your friends know what you are doing. Oh, and don't get so comfortable on the first meeting that you get in a car with him or take him back to your residence. Always , always keep the first meeting short. A coffee, or a lunch. No matter how much you are hitting it off!
That is my two cents.
If the man is someone you trust and you do meet him, take Missy's advice about a friend being at the public place too.
If he gets upset when you talk to him about how you feel that is a big red flag. If he has good intentions he will agree with you about safety and will respect your comfort level.
I don't think the suggestion of "[catching] the next flight home" from the airport is a great idea, both because that's not always financially practical, it doesn't necessarily respect the sacrifices made to come to the woman in the first place, and unless one has a serious instinctual feeling that something is wrong, there's nothing terrible about going through with the plans already made, even if it's not the most enjoyable or chemistry-filled time. After all, one might grow more comfortable over the course of the weekend (as an example) and realize that the early feelings of slight discomfort or awkwardness were passing.
As to general alone time, I do not think it is practical for a man and woman who are older (mid-thirties and beyond) and often have their own residences simply to do all possible to avoid any extended alone time. Not only is money not always available, or friends and family, to be out, but there should be nothing wrong with cooking dinner for each other, watching a movie, sharing music or family photos, etc. Certainly temptations exist, and one must know oneself, but that has to be balanced with the realities of modern life. We no longer mostly live with our parents until marriage, and many of us do not have housemates. The classic principle of the Christian life is balance and finding one's way between extremes. Know yourself and the one you are with, practice chastity together, and be able to be alone in productive situations enjoying each other's company.