Finding a Husband: Mission Impossible?

Dear Anthony,

I really don't know what men are looking for. The lack of seriousness and fear of commitment that these men have frustrates me. Some of my friends who have lived with their boyfriends are already married; and I, trying to be faithful to God, am finding it is like a "Mission: Impossible". The man I thought things were going well with is not interested anymore. My clock is ticking, and very fast, and the majority of these men want us to "wait" for them. Wait for what? For us to be so old that they'll have to dump us for not being of childbearing age or good-looking, or wait for them to find someone better, and in the meantime we are losing precious years? Why are men so selfish? What's wrong with them? I'm so frustrated, because I gave God the best years of my life and have been praying for a husband for so long now. Why is God so far away? Why has He forgotten me? I should always be thankful, but I feel very sad, depressed, and exhausted.

I'm so sorry for the frustrations you are experiencing, and I can't blame you for having them. You are not alone. Many women share your feelings. You have every right to be frustrated, and to ask, "What are men looking for?" I'm not sure anyone can answer that question absolutely. You can imagine that I have heard many opinions from both men and women regarding men. And I definitely have my theories and opinions. I know that men defend themselves intensely when it comes to the things they are accused of. But I do think women ask a fair and reasonable question when they ask, "What are men looking for?"

Maybe it's true that God is still proactively waiting to bring the right person into your life while you continue to encounter those that are apparently not the right one. But I continue to believe this may have a lot to do with free will being used unwisely and causing casualties. Specifically, we are talking about the casualties of the war on marriage and family life. It is my opinion that marriages that should be taking place are not. It's as simple as that. There are unending reasons why they are not happening (both good and bad reasons) but I believe most of those reasons are avoidable if people would make better free-will decisions. Therefore, a greater understanding of free will, both as a gift given by God and its purpose, is essential.

Men are casualties just as much as women are, unfortunately. But because men are the ones, in the end, that have to ask women on dates, and ask a woman for her hand in marriage, they can't allow excuses to "excuse" them. They have to find a way to answer their questions and solve their issues and problems, or we will continue to see marriages suffer, and marriages not happen. The dating process and marriage itself are acts of "free will". There must be more action, decision-making, choosing, and most of all, acceptance and living with decision. The abuse of free will is the sad condition of fallen human nature. That's what makes us all sinners, and why all people who marry must understand they are marrying a sinner, not a saint. But free will can never be about holding off making decisions until we know we are going to make the right decision. Knowing the outcome of an action is not a requirement to taking action. Prudence must be part of decision-making, but prudence is about taking action with right judgment, not about putting off decisions.

Marriage is definitely a decision that must be made without foreknowledge of the outcome. In other words, it is a risk. No one alive can ever know for certain that the person they marry will keep their vows or never change on them. Is that a scary reality? Yes. Is it a good reason to break up with someone or call off an engagement, or worse, end a marriage? No. An act of our free will has consequences, and life is about uncertainty. We take action in our life. That's a must. We learn from our mistakes. But we can never break our word, or run from our duties and responsibilities. This is what I believe is happening with many marriages as well as with single people. It doesn't feel right, or there is uncertainty, and these are interpreted as definite signs that no action should be taken, or that a bad decision could be made.

Men, as you have described from the experiences that have you so frustrated and concerned, seem to me to be in a crisis. Whether they know it or not, are guilty or victims, or are doing anything about it or not, they seem to be going through something that is affecting their vocation, which is affecting the vocation of others (namely, women). I have listened to them talk about the issues they have with women and trying to find a woman, as well as with their vocation, with their situations or jobs/careers, with their own manhood, and even with other men. They have many defenses against the things that women try to accuse them of. So they need help in many ways, but they also want to be understood. That's valid, and understandable.

But the fact is that men who are called to marriage have a serious responsibility and duty to choose a wife. It has to do with becoming a saint and with co-creating and leading other saints to heaven. “Becoming a saint” because our vocations are where we find the easier path to personal sanctity. If this is a man’s vocation (and it is for the majority of men), then being married is key to his salvation. Those of us who are married can attest to the fact that every day we are called to live outside of ourselves and our own personal wants and desires in order to be of service to our families. We also attest to the reality of becoming who we are really meant to be in Christ as we serve daily, and fail daily, in our duties. We recognize things about ourselves we never knew before. Everyone in their vocation does.

"Co-creating and leading other saints" because in marriage, together the two follow God's command (not request, but command) to "be fruitful and multiply". The duty of a man is to make a woman a mother. That is the literal definition of the word "matrimony": to confect motherhood. Therefore, "Holy Matrimony" implies a sacred institution that a man and a woman are privileged to be a part of, where a man makes a woman a mother, and in turn makes himself a father. (Those who can't have natural children will exercise their parental call as a couple in other ways, but we won't get into that here.) Life itself is about parenting. Those who are not parenting in some way (i.e., this can be by directly or indirectly helping children in some way or adults who are children in the faith, etc.) are just living for themselves, which leads to a temptation to become selfish. Those not married have to be doing something that helps others, or they just live for themselves.

Our vocations are the great safeguard against growing in selfishness, and the way we become selfless persons and thus grow in sanctity. St. Alphonsus Liguori says that though it is possible for a person who does not get into their vocation (or chooses the wrong vocation) to get to heaven, it is definitely harder for them. It's easier in your vocation because you are daily compelled to serve those in your community or who are entrusted to your care. While not in your vocation, it is too easy to step away for a time or indefinitely to anything or anyone. Again, it just means those not in their vocation, or who never get into their vocation, will have to be extra careful how they live their lives.

Men have to look past themselves when it comes to responsibility and their vocation. They are not just responsible for their own lives, they are responsible for the lives of the wife and children that are their future. Their lack of responsibility/irresponsibility is not an excuse. It may very well be a sad reality, but it is no excuse. Any man who dares to say "I want to be married" or "I am called to marriage" needs to understand that his responsibility and duty are to find a suitable partner, choose her (decide; take action; etc.), marry her with a dedication to fidelity and permanence, and confect motherhood on her. Regardless of the obstacles to this (legitimate or not legitimate), this is still what marriage is all about, and it is what the majority of men and women are called to. And since men are still the ones expected to pursue, they need to figure this out and in the name of love and charity for the women waiting for men to do something long-term, they should figure it out quickly.

The lifestyle choice of men that put off marriage for all kinds of reasons (including the poor excuse of hiding by it being God's doing by not sending the person or making it obvious to him) seems to me to be a poor use of the gift of "free will". It is all very sad. It certainly contradicts the call to holiness. Our holiness is tied to our being "adults" in the faith. And to be an "adult" in the faith is to make decisions and live with them, primarily to make a decision on vocation. What defines our adulthood more than anything else is our vocation and the living out of our vocation. There is nothing more sad than to see an adult person still trying to figure out their vocation as they go past their 20s, past their 30s, past their 40s, and on and on.

The abuse of "free will" to postpone making decisions, especially the decision to marry, must be remedied. Men must choose a suitable partner and move on, and give up the hopeless position that there might be someone better out there, or hiding behind God in thinking the right person has not come along, or fearing being stuck with someone. Just as no one can ever convince me that the priest shortage has anything to do with God not calling men to act on the gift of the vocation to the priesthood, no one can ever convince me that the problems of men not marrying has anything to do with suitable women not being available. They choose, by their own "free will", to pass over the female opportunities available to them and postpone marriage. They also, of their own "free will", choose to do nothing about bettering themselves or their situations in order to be empowered to "act" on their vocation in a timely manner.

The casualties, as I have said, are women waiting to be asked by a man for her hand in marriage, waiting to give her whole life to a man and their children, waiting to dedicate their lives to the vocation they know they are called to. The men who are not acting on their vocation are also casualties. Whatever it is that cripples them so that they will not, or cannot, choose a good woman and live out their vocation is causing men to hurt themselves, as well as the women they could be married to and the children who will not be conceived as a result of this perpetual "non-action" life choice. I pray to God every day that men will take action on their vocation, whether it be to the priesthood or to marriage. Without men in either of these vocations, the world suffers greatly. If there is an obstacle to finding a good woman or being a good future husband and spouse, men need to figure out exactly what it is and help the women to understand what it is, too.

What more can be done about all this? Prayer and fasting are key. I really believe this issue is a spiritual battle more than anything else. There must be much prayer and fasting done for the future of marriage. And there must be a general acceptance that we live in a time when such things are really happening, and the results can very well be that many who were called to marriage may not marry at all due to the free-will decisions (or non-decisions) of other persons.

After praying so many years for a husband, you ask a very hard and desperate question: "Why has God forgotten me?" What a familiar question. Jesus said the very same thing from the Cross as He hung there dying. The question Jesus asked was allowed to be asked so that none of us could ever ask, "Does God know anything about what I am going through?" Jesus experienced despair. God allowed this so we would always know that God has not abandoned or forgotten us. No, God has not forgotten you. You are very much being held quite close to him as you suffer as a single woman who desires marriage so much, it is seemingly unbearable. But you can bear this cross of yours primarily because Jesus has already borne it for you, and is there with you to bear yours together. You must keep hoping for your vocation, and doing whatever it is you need to do to stay available and attractive to a man. But you should never, ever compromise your inner peace. That is for you and Jesus, and you must never give anyone else the power to take away the peace that Christ gives.

I strongly suggest you never allow yourself to wonder why this is happening to you, and why some people find someone and marry and others don't. There is a great mystery to why this happens to you, or anyone else. No one can answer it. But it is when we despair or allow ourselves to have unhealthy feelings like anxiety, or frustration, or anger, that we allow the devil to win and have power over us. I know it's easy for someone like me to say, and that the pain you go through is very real, but I know for certain that God does not want us losing hope and despairing. He allows the suffering, but he wants us to use it to make us holy, not make us fall. You can bear this cross by the grace of God. Keep growing in grace, and keep your hope alive. Be a genuinely pleasant, cheerful, joyful person who trusts in God in all things. Your destiny is heaven, and it is not so far away. All things will be taken care of there. In the meantime, our journey here is a mystery, and exciting. We do all we know we can and ought to do. Everything else is in God's hands, and in the hands of the "free will" decisions of others.