Does a woman have to do the relocating?

Dear Anthony,

I have been frustrated with women who get cold feet about considering a serious relationship. When they realize a long-distance relationship might require making big decisions like moving away from family, they become paralyzed by the prospect and won't see me again. What do you think of this fear of theirs?

I understand your frustration, and I have heard many men complain of this very problem of women who get cold feet when a man shows he is serious. I realize I have written a lot about the cold feet of men and their issues with pursuing a woman, but not very much about women who don't allow a willing man to pursue her.

What causes this to happen in women? You bring up the first major reason: namely, that they are not open to moving (more specifically, "relocating"). They say on their profile they are, and may even believe it in their mind because intellectually they know they have to be open to that. But the reality for some women is that they really don't want to move, and they make a lot of excuses why they cannot.

Do women "need" to do the moving? Of course not. In fact, I have seen that for many of our successful couples the man did the relocating. Many men understand that women are very family-oriented and respect their strong ties to their family. Not that men do not have the capability, but with women, it is part of the security needs they have. And if they have a great relationship with their family, that makes them feel very secure and it affects their very personality. So it is understandable how it would be very difficult for a woman to move, especially move far away, if she has these kinds of family ties.

Another powerful reality is the mother-daughter relationship. A woman needs her mother. And a young bride especially needs her mother. When a young woman marries and then begins to live married life and have babies, and all the challenges that come with this new life of hers, it is her mother who is the most important person to guide her through. And it is the mother who will be there to help that young woman with the babies that come along. It is understandable how a woman is not going to readily give up that opportunity to live close to her mother. A smart man will understand the power and love of the mother-daughter relationship and consider this as he deals with the woman he is dating and/or in love with. He should always be considerate of this issue and never act like it is no big deal or insist that she change about this.

So when it comes to any of the realities of a woman regarding her family and not wanting to move away from them, it will serve a man well to be very observant about this, and considerate and gentle. For many men, this is very attractive because there is a great benefit in marrying a woman who has a wonderful family and who has a good relationship with her mother. Don't forget the added bonus of having a great babysitter you both can trust when you want to take those much needed "date nights" out. So for many men, they see the value of considering finding a way to do the relocating to where the woman is.

Now I have established that women don't "need" to do the moving, per se. It is important to now say that they must be the ones most prepared to do the moving/relocating should marriage be discussed. I believe most women know and understand this, which is why men like yourself have experienced this apparent "game" from women who seem interested and then indicate that they are not going to ever move. That "game" is really a form of denial and self-defense. It is always so easy to think about and plan the way you want or expect your love life to go, and you visualize things just falling into place with a person. However, when an actual person does come along, you find that things are not what you expect. Love is definitely that way. Nothing ever goes as you expected, and a person is never everything you had on your "list". The reality of love demands balance and compromise and consideration.

Love also forces us all to confront ourselves where we tend to not go too often. This is when hard choices are made, for better or for worse. But it is also a time when people "test" another person to see what happens. Men and women are both notorious for doing this. In this case, many women "test" a man by telling him she is never going to move. What they "expect" to happen is that the man will end things because she thinks all men expect a woman to move. The man fails the test because he is too quick to assume that what she "says" is what she "means".

Would it surprise you to learn that women are known to change their minds? :-) Of course not. But in the moment of what is happening, men are very dense and don't tend to remember this about women. They also might not be the type who wants to risk it, and so just turn and walk away. Women don't like that. They protect themselves, but secretly they want to be swept off their feet. This is because they want to be sure that if they are going to give up everything that they know and love, it had better be for a man who really wants and loves her.

Women "must" be open to moving because the man is the provider in the family and he cannot be "expected" to make a career change or find a new job if he is going to pursue her toward marriage. And the key to success for a Catholic woman today to find a good Catholic man is being completely open to moving wherever he is. There is nothing wrong with hoping he will do the relocating and having non-confrontational conversations about the possibility as you date. But women must never date a man with the expectation that they will change him in any way, or his path when it comes to his work. One of the primary things a man needs from a woman is support of him at the work level. If a woman does not support him at that level, she will have problems with him.

So this moving issue is a delicate one, but it is also an obvious one. The woman typically does the relocating and must expect it to be the case. However, a man must be open to considering the feelings of the woman on this matter, and even see if he is in a position to do the relocating. Obviously, it depends on the person and the love. If a man really loves a woman, he will do anything for her. If he can't relocate, he can find a way to reassure her that she will always have ample contact with her family, and in-person visits. If a woman gets that kind of reassurance, she very well might change her mind from "Absolutely not" to "Okay, I think I could."

A man must always be working slowly and steadily at making a woman feel secure in every way. So don't give up on a woman who says she won't move. That may not be the case. I understand that it is a risk to still pursue, but it may be worth it. And for the women who take these strong positions about relocating or anything else, they risk losing a good man if they are too absolute. It's not wise to assume every man will have the resolve to keep pursuing regardless of the firm stances. Leave the door cracked a bit so a man has something to work with. But don't be deceiving. If you will absolutely never move and you mean it and that's the end of it, then so be it. Be honest. But just expect to lose out on many opportunities. Many men cannot move on account of their jobs. And that is a legitimate reason. If a woman wants to be happily married, she should want a man who loves his work, because being a provider of a family is very keen to a man, and being successful at providing, no matter what the work, is typically very defining for a man. And when that ability to provide is threatened, it really affects a man deeply. Find a man happy in his work and you have a chance at a wonderful marriage. Don't readily let him go.