The frustration of getting no reply
Dear Anthony,
Why can’t people show common Christian courtesy and send a reply to a message? I know you have spoken about this in the past, but it’s just too frustrating and I am wondering what the point is anymore of using the site if this is just going to keep happening. What am I missing?
The question of why people do not get a reply to a message sent is still one of the most common questions I deal with. Not a week goes by without getting an email from a frustrated member dealing with this issue. It’s been a problem with online dating from the beginning, and it shows no signs of going away. As you might imagine, I am also personally frustrated because I can’t provide people with an adequate answer that makes the problem go away for them, nor have I been able to do anything about it in order to make the problem go away.
Therefore, it is probably best for us all to start accepting the fact that it’s here to stay. There is always going to be the problem of people who do not reply to a message sent. I think this is a first step to making this problem really go away. Since it is a fact and a reality that not every message sent out to another person is going to be followed up with a reply, the real problem is in expecting a reply.
When you expect to get a reply to a message you send out, you set yourself up for disappointment should you not get a reply. That sounds obvious, but based on the thousands of people over the years who have addressed to me their frustrations about this happening, it must not be so obvious.
Expectations in general are a dangerous thing. When we “expect”, we judge. To expect anything at all from anyone means you have prejudged the person or the situation. Take the issue of not getting a reply. You write a message and you send it. You expect a reply to that message. You can also say that you have prejudged that if you send a message to another person, not getting a reply would render the action of writing in the first place to have been a pointless exercise, and cause you any number of negative reactions for having wasted your time. You can also say that you have prejudged the person to be good or bad (or Christian) based on whether or not they reply.
I am not saying we should not have expectations. We all do. But we do have to be careful about actually “what” we expect, and “with whom” we expect. If you are writing to a friend, it is reasonable to expect a reply. But writing to a perfect stranger whom you have never met or spoken to before should not have the same expectation. In fact, you can argue that the more logical expectation is that you will NOT get a reply due to the fact that someone is getting a note from another person totally unexpectedly.
No one should judge someone who is receiving a note from a stranger because no one can know what anyone else should or would experience upon receiving such a note. Whether or not the note gets a reply depends on many things, not the least of which is what the note says. In all the years I have been getting emails from frustrated members regarding their not getting a reply to a message sent, I cannot remember anyone ever telling me what exactly they wrote and why they believe they should have received a reply. What I am told is the reason they should get a reply is because it is a common courtesy to do so or the Christian thing to do, etc.
It seems obvious to people that the reason why they did not get a reply is because that person is not interested and is afraid to just come out and say that. I don’t disagree with that. I do think oftentimes people who don’t reply to a message they get do not do so because they are not interested. But that does not make them a bad person. Nor does it mean that person does not have a good excuse for not replying. I don’t want to make excuses for those who don’t reply, but I do know their excuses can be valid. Perhaps you don’t feel that any level of fear would be a good excuse. But sometimes people fear hurting the other’s feelings by replying and saying they are not interested. So many people have told me they would rather get a reply that said sincerely they were not interested than get no reply at all. However, if we are honest, it is not that great to get rejected either, is it? It can be quite the dilemma.
One thing is for certain. If the person receiving the message has a positive and favorable experience, and has any level of interest in the person who wrote, they will reply. Not getting a reply to a message you send should not cause you to become negative. Anything or anyone we give the power to make us lose our peace should be a red flag to us that we are the problem. Jesus did not give us His peace in order that we would abandon it at such a cheap price. And He certainly does not want us to give the power to lose it to any other person. So don’t give anyone that power. And start “expecting” to not get a reply when you write. That will make the replies you get that much more special. And by all means, do NOT stop writing because you are afraid of not getting a reply. That would be the worst thing you can do. Continue to take the risk and put yourself out there.
Finally, consider what you are writing. Perhaps it is something in the way you are corresponding that is causing you problems with getting a reply. I have seen all kinds of disastrously terrible initial correspondences by people who have wondered what they are doing wrong. Sounding desperate, or anxious, or like you are not really even trying can all work against you. People know when they are being addressed as a unique individual person or just as a number in the process. Whatever you write, make it sound like you are interested in that person, AND also like you, yourself, are an interesting person they should want to get to know.
Ask yourself when you are writing your message, “Why should this person reply to what I am about to send?” If you still have problems getting replies, ask family and friends who know you well and love you to read your initial contacts and ask them to be honest with you as to what they think. Particularly, get those you know of the opposite sex to read them and ask if they would respond to what you wrote. I have had people say to me that the messages they get sound so canned or like they were just cut and pasted with only the change of the name of the person they are writing to, that they did not think it deserved a reply.
Don’t let the no-reply issue ever get you down to the point of giving up. It’s obviously just part of the online dating experience. And you are not alone. Thousands go through this same experience. When it happens, don’t let it sour you toward using the website, or the opposite sex, or lower your self-esteem, or anything negative. Simply move on and continue the journey with God with a positive and confident outlook rooted in faith and hope.
Fulton Sheen on Love and Marriage
Entire FultonSheen.com library
I came up with a solution. Maybe it was pointless, but I feel it got my point across.
I sent two of the women whom sent no reply to me an explanation of an encounter I had the past weekend...
I related that I met an attractive woman at a party with weak lighting. I introduced myself. We chatted some. I found that we had some common interests. When I forward into a more well lit area she simply walked off. I ended my message by writing "how rude, don't you think so?"
The point of my email message IS that not writing a response, even a brief expression of disinterest, IS quite RUDE. Think of it as a face to face introduction.
It is plain good manners to reply to someone who has taken the time to write a note to you. I try to write back in those cases, if nothing more than to give a compliment, a thank you but no thank you, etc. That said, there are times I have not written back.
First, I no longer reply to form letters. If a man cannot take the time to write me a personal note, then why should I spend valuable time conversing with someone who is obviously not that interested in me but rather playing a numbers game? Maybe the guy felt the form letter was a perfect formula he has devised in order to get a response or maybe he is a player playing a numbers game. I don't know, but form letters are insulting and disrespectful imo.
Second, there are times I do not reply to someone who obviously did not read my profile. This individual is not even in my stratasphere of compatability and I have to wonder about his motives.
Both mistakes above speak to a man's ability to pay attention to a woman, be perceptive, interested and regard her as special.
FWIW, my two cents. Maybe I am wrong, but these things push my buttons.
I think relationships shouldn't be that complicated. When someone has a real interest in another person that writes a simple hello, that person would certainly get a reply, period; it’s as simple as that. No reply, then, don’t even think about it, move on. However, in my case, since I know that people are sometimes shy and make mistakes in expressing their feelings, I always prefer to read their profiles after receiving a note, just to get a glimpse of who they really are.
I don't think we should get that complicated. Even if the person writes the most beautiful introductory greeting, if after reading that person's profile, I realize is not really somebody I would like to correspond with, I don't care how beautiful the first note is, or how bad. Of course I will politely say that I am not interested in corresponding, but for me, it’s not so much about the note, but about the person’s profile and subsequent notes. Just the fact that he has had the courage of contacting me says a lot.
I think that the most beautiful thing about a relationship is just being simple and being yourself.
What if someone replies to a beautiful first message that has been reviewed by others? Is that man going to continue asking others what to say to me? That doesn't sound quite well. For me there's nothing more beautiful than to see a man who, even though cannot express himself too well or is too articulated, is humble enough to try his best to get in contact with me in the most simple language, the one that comes out of his own heart.
I fully support this rule and have made sure to reply in a Christian way to every message I've received when I was not interested. Unfortunately, the same courtesy has not always been extended, and that is an issue I hope is addressed with at least extra encouragement of members to reply, rather than telling members to essentially lower their expectations. Peace.
I agree with many of the points you have made in this post as I have both been frustrated at not receiving replies to emails while also being guilty of not replying to emails sent to me (I have made it a point to correct this flaw though). I do want to point out, however, that some of the advice you give her is in direct contradiction to the "Rules of Use" governing this site. Specifically:
"#6 - Replying to messages
In the name of Christian charity, all members must reply to those who contact them in some way. It is the right thing to do. All members are adults and can handle rejection. What is not excusable is not receiving the courtesy of a reply. Please make sure you extend this courtesy to all."
While I agree that we should all avoid judging someone for not replying, especially women who receive many more emails than men, I have recently become very frustrated with a lack of responses to non-AMS-related emails I have sent. Specifically, I have sent non-romantic emails to people with direct questions that I need answered. When these emails go unanswered, I am left wondering if the person received the email at all, if he or she has simply not had time to reply, or if I am just being blown off. Too often I have sent a followup email or just gone ahead and called only to be accused of being pushy.
Anyway, to get back on point, I very much like the wording you chose for Rule #6. Presuming that an email does not contain anything inappropriate, to at least acknowledge it is a courtesy that is rooted in Christian charity. Regardless of whether an email has a romantic intent (as one would expect on this site) or not (as are the ones I referred to in my example), it is extremely disrespectful to not reply to an email when a response is expected and expressly requested.
That all said, I do want to reemphasize that I think this is a well-thought out post with good advice. However, if this is the "rule of thumb" that you expect members to follow, should Rule #6 not be edited or deleted? Personally, I think it should remain, at least as an exhortation if not a specific rule to be obeyed by members.
Thank you for the good work you do with this site. God bless!
Respectfully submitted,
Andrew Cano
This article is just what many need, because even myself, that am an open-minded 63-year old man, have experienced this feeling. Some have not amswered to my emails, but others have said "Thank you for writting" or simply, "I am not interested now"or simply, "You are too far away", and that's ok with me. But I have kept writting to over 20 ladies, and most have not answered, and that does not kill my motivation to keep on; I just keep searching and looking for someone that someday and somehow will contact me back. In my case, I am very possitive and for the first time will go to one of AMS retreats, on Dec 4-5-6. I believe this is a great opportunity to meet someone interesting and interested, but if it doesn't happen, live goes on, just keep on moving is my answer.
Thanks Anthony for your right answers to all our questions. I admire you and agree with you counselling. God bless you and all those that help the others.
Sincerely in Christ,
Robert
You have to remember that on line "dating" isn't natural. People respond to strangers better in person. Ex: If you are in line at a grocery store and strike up a conversation with someone you don't know, that is normal. There are all kinds of variables that allow us to open up to strangers in public. You may be at a game where you are in the same spirit of it all and it's easy to "high-five" someone you don't know out of the excitement of it all, but you don't go out of your way to make it an unnatural, contrived situation. Online emailing is a contrived setting. It takes an investment of time to type out your life to someone you have never met, and it's important to meet before continuing extensive emailing. Who wants to pour out their life story to a picture on a computer? You have to meet first. If someone doesn't reply, it just means they don't want to answer a bunch of questions like an essay. Or they simply don't want to start up another essay on line because they've already done so with a couple of other people they want to meet. You have to keep your messages simple and don't ask the other person to answer a list of questions in an email. Keep it short and see if you want to meet first, THEN decide if you want to email. If there is no reply, just write back with that understanding of some people are not online every night and check these dating sites rarely, and leave it up to them with a nice message stating that you are open to talking sometime if they are. Then drop it, and move on. Don't get personal right off the bat. The etiquette of online dating is still yet to be established. Don't take it personal. Try to do more things live that the site offers to meet each other in person.
Often time’s inaction is a result of our own fears. If I didn't write you, perhaps I was afraid of that level of intimacy or feared that you would judge me. Perhaps the men/women who don't write back are to say they are not interested in fear of hurting your feelings. I know I have not received any letters, and sometimes I have taken the rejection personally but I know that it’s always have an opportunity for personal growth, and this in itself is worth it. So thank you Ave Maria Singles and Anthony for your insight.
By both intent/charter and by choosing membership, the people on the site are not "perfect strangers", rather members of a community they have voluntarily chosen to join and abide by.
I honestly think Anthony lets these non-responding members off far too easily in his comments above.
Many of the "non-responders" list a host of personal devotions and religious practices in their profiles. But they fail to list the absence of common courtesy as a personality trait!
If someone doesn't write back, then you automatically know they are not interested in corresponding for whatever reason ... it could be something on their end, you never know but it doesn't matter -- it's obviously not part of God's will for you to be corresponding with that particular person, so let it go and move on.
I think that writing a one line email that says "thanks but no thanks" can come across as rather cold -- better to spare someone's feelings. They'll get the picture if you don't write back; there's no need to add insult to inury or rub salt in the wound, is there?
In the name of Christian charity, all members must reply to those who contact them in some way. It is the right thing to do. All members are adults and can handle rejection. What is not excusable is not receiving the courtesy of a reply. Please make sure you extend this courtesy to all."
Personally, I prefer not to be obliged to handle rejection, and rejecting someone outright is rude and hurtful. If someone doesn't reply, I can make up all kinds of excuses for their behavior. They might be busy. Their house might have flooded. They might even just be burnt out on dating. But if they tell me they are not interested, then I know they are rejecting me personally and it hurts my feelings unnecessarily. I think Christian Charity involves telling others what it will benefit them to know. It does not benefit most of us to know why we were rejected since we are often rejected for our age or appearance or for other things about us which we cannot change. If the reason might help, by all means let’s tell them. But if the reason is outside their control, not replying lets them know you are not interested or able to keep up a correspondence at the moment. Frankly, I find that little bit of uncertainty preferable.
Any chance on the rule being changed since most members seem to have the good manners not to follow it?
P.S. I don’t think replying is always the right thing to do. If someone I was not interested in asked me out in real life, I wouldn’t say, “No, I’m not interested.” I’d say, “I’m sorry. I have other plans.” (Which I always do by the way. It’s not a lie.) Eventually they get the hint either that you are too busy to date or that you don’t like them. Isn’t it kinder to let them tell themselves you are too busy?