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Is my being kind and chivalrous turning away women?

Posted At : July 14, 2009 9:35 PM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
Related Categories: Ask Anthony,Online Dating FAQ,Dating

Dear Anthony,

I am a single practicing Catholic in my early twenties and feel lonely, depressed, and rejected. I have always been a gentleman, acting kind and chivalrous to the ladies I’ve met, but I can’t find anyone who could be suitable potential spouse. Is it because I’m too kind and chivalrous? Do I have to have the image of a "bad boy" so that ladies will notice me?

Thank you for sharing these frustrations, and I certainly understand them very well. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so very hard to be ready for your vocation but not able to find the right person to make that commitment with. I know what you mean about feeling that you should be something you are not, namely, having that "bad boy" image. I think you are right that for many women this is attractive. The sad thing, however, is that this is NOT what they really want for love and marriage. They are just attracted to it because these "wrong" men have certain key qualities that women want in a man. The biggest one is confidence. These men tend to be very confident. They are not afraid to approach a woman, and they know how to flatter a woman, compliment a woman, and flirt with a woman. A confident man makes a woman feel secure. Sadly, these "wrong" men do not offer real security but rather a false sense of it. What a good Catholic woman really wants, but many don't seem to realize it, is a man like you who is a gentleman, kind and chivalrous. The adage that "nice guys finish last" does not seem to be too far off.

I think if Catholic men were not afraid to loosen up a bit more, display a confidence in themselves and a fearlessness about approaching a woman, then it would compliment their qualities as gentlemen and being chivalrous. Catholic men need to know how to make a woman feel special through flattery and flirtation. However, it must also be sincere so as not to lead a woman on, as these "wrong" men do. They should never be just "lines" said to make the woman react. They should always be sincere and have truth behind them. A woman ultimately wants to feel unique and special. But confidence in a man and his ability to show leadership is the first step for women, typically.

I want to encourage you that there is great reason for hope. You are still young, so you have plenty of time to keep working at finding that suitable partner you are praying for. And by all means, do not give up being a gentleman. I assume you are also a strong Catholic man in your faith, too. These are all very important qualities in a man, and there are certainly many women out there who are seeking that.

The problem might be that the women in your age group tend to not really be open to their vocation at this point in their lives. Some say that they are, but they really are not, based on how they are living their lives. So many are not really "available", but they still want to date. Just because someone is open to going on a date does not mean she is open to love and marriage. It's hard to tell who is open and who is not at the younger ages.

I really think this is where online dating plays a major role in today's world. With a trustworthy online dating site like Ave Maria Singles, you can have access to many women and know so much about who they are and who they are seeking before you ever make an initial contact. Then, once you communicate with them, you can tell even better where they stand and how available they are. Those who approach online dating correctly tend to have success finding a suitable partner and they have no regrets about all that it took to have the happiness they enjoy now.

If you are really ready to make a commitment to a good Catholic woman and get into your vocation, I think online dating is going to help you a great deal. Obviously, I cannot promise you will meet someone and get married, but your opportunities will be much more plentiful. And the women on a Catholic site like ours are absolutely looking for a gentleman who is kind and chivalrous. Consider attending our trips or retreats as well. What an opportunity it is to meet solid Catholic women (and there always seem to be more women than men on our trips) in person and in a spiritual and chaste environment. You can see what trips and events are coming up by going to the AMS home page; they are listed at the top.

I hope this helps. Please stay close to Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament and to Our Lady. Persevere. Keep moving forward. Don't despair. And by all means, do NOT allow these understandable negative feelings you are having tempt you to become a person who is not a healthy prospect for sacramental marriage.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony

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Lawrence's Gravatar Anthony, I know how he feels. My problem goes further than that, however. Although I've composed a list of contacts for myself composed of more than 200 women, from their 20's up to and including 56, I'm not doing too well with being able to get them to contact me. I'm 57, have never been married, and don't have a full-time job. I've largely restricted my correspondence to women on my list in their 40's and 50's. But I'm not trying to contact anybody at the moment, because the vast majority of women whom I've tried to contact have either been negative in their responses to me, or have not replied to me at all. The other reason that I've suspended my attempts at trying to contact any of the other women on my list is that I've concluded that none of them would be interested in a guy that didn't have a full-time job, not to mention one with a whole host of health problems. Yet I feel very lonely, and would still like to get married some day, even though it seems improbable, if not impossible at this late date. Any suggestions?
# Posted By Lawrence | 7/14/09 10:08 PM
patrick's Gravatar I had this problem for years myself. The chances are that you are unfortunately throwing off a NEEDY vibe that YOU think looks nice or chivalrous. Women are interpreting it as weak and pathetic instead.There is a huge difference between being a "nice guy" and a "good man." A nice guy is a male who doesn't stack up to his peers and thus tries to use kindness and courtliness to offset this deficit. He just ends up emphasizing his weakness. I advice you to work on becoming a "good man" instead. A good man is like a lion: strong, capable, proficient, decisive, confident, skilled, and able to defend his family and loved ones from predators, dangers, or other males. Lions/good men are not shy. Lions/good men are not physically weak or dominated by others. Lions/good men are not needy. They are happy to be lions and on their own. These things are all naturally attractive to females. Good luck!
# Posted By patrick | 7/15/09 4:05 AM
Gloria's Gravatar As a 23yr. old young woman, I completely agree with what Anthony says about women being attracted to the "bad boy" confidence. I think all women on some level want a "bad boy", a man who has a bit of an "edge" and has the guts and know-how to make us feel special and "pretty". I also think Anthony hit the nail on the head with his analysis of what it is women find so attractive about bad boys. If you want any suggestions on how to attract women, I would suggest getting the book "The System" (just Google it). I haven't read it, so I can't personally endorse it, but I know of other Catholic gentlemen who have read it and used it quite successfully on their now-wives. It's basically a manual on how to balance the nice-guy qualities, with that "bad-boy" stuff women lap up like ice cream. The book is written from the perspective of finding a woman for a long-term commitment, so it fits in with what you are looking for. Anyways, good luck!! You sound like a great, attractive guy, so get out there and start letting women know it! ;)
# Posted By Gloria | 7/15/09 8:07 AM
Bruce Herden's Gravatar I have found that the wisdom does not come without the trials but rather because of the trials. I myself am approaching 57, still single (and young in spirit) and in spite of my age would NEVER compromise my moral and ethical integrity. To be kind and chivalrous to a lady or to anyone for that matter is the very thing that our Lord calls us to do. My father taught me at a very early age the man walks street side when accompanying a lady. To hold a door for a lady is not only gentlemanly but also mandatory. I have additionally learned that there are some issues in life that are absolutely not negotiable. Abortion, pedophilia, lying, theft, child or animal abuse are just a few of the issues that we are challenged with every day. I can only hope that this young man can come to appreciate the truly virtuous path he has chosen.

To my very last breath I would never have it any other way.

Bruce Herden
Member, Ave Maria Singles
# Posted By Bruce Herden | 7/15/09 11:05 AM
Brian's Gravatar Many men are thinking this, especially after they have made attempts to talk to women in public and the exchange doesn't go much beyond hi and the time of day or men contact women on an online dating site and get no responses (don't take this personally, be glad they didn't respond, then move on to the next). Keep the faith brother in Christ, this is part of the process and it can make you a better man of God. Eventually you will get a response online or in society. Attraction is not primarily based on being kind and such. Male/female attraction involves the essence of masculinity and femininity. A man being a masculine man and a woman being a feminine woman. God created masculinity to be attracted to femininity and femininity to be attracted to masculinity. For sure many women are attracted to the "bad" image and the experience of the feelings of excitement. In a way the males who are "bad" have it easier because they are after one thing and they allow themselves to do it, and many females subconsciously go along with this desire biologically because they are attracted to males who are relaxed and at ease instead of nervous and uncomfortable, and who lead, are assertive, and make things happen. Plus the female may say she is not accountable because the male did it. However, this is a problem for nice men who restrain themselves morally to the point their sexuality becomes unhealthy suppressed and even women can sense this tense vibe and be repelled because something seems just not right. Or maybe the "nice male" buys expensive things, is daintily courteous trying to win-over the female, but this does not increase attraction because it causes her fear of being obligated. A woman instinctively wants to look at the man she is with as being of high worth, like a fancy pocketbook, that from her perspective makes her look good to her family and friends. A man CAN be nice and do nice things for women, but just don't be a weak, push-over, always agreeable, always trying to please others "nice guy." Here is the challenge for Christian men to be motivated by their God-given sexual desire within them to direct it into becoming a man that women want to date and marry, and into finding a good spouse for marriage. God and women want men to become a real man. As a Christian man you can be an example of a real man and raise others to a higher level. Christian men can be better than "bad males" by being masculine men aware of their God-given sexual attraction to women, thereby making women feel the emotions of being a feminine woman, while knowing what they are looking for in a wife, to have this "EDGE," AND being men who genuinely love women and will be a good husband and father in the vocation of marriage. Mr. Anthony Buono is a man who can be trusted to provide you with the truth and give you faithful guidance on your path to marriage. Anthony Buono explained the overall context of this issue very well in his article here. Anthony is correct that Ave Maria Singles is a helpful resource for Catholic men and women on their journey towards marriage. On Ave Maria Singles there really is quality Catholic, Pro-Life, women of God with authentic characters, who are also feminine and want a good man for marriage. Additionally, you can start to proactively do a few things differently to have more positive thoughts and results. I say to myself; Become a real man that women are attracted to. Continue to learn about and constructively develop yourself. Focus on what you want to achieve in every area of your life, not just a relationship. Take the initiative to talk to girls and decide if there is any connection for a relationship. What is it about this person I am attracted to? Am I a man she is attracted to? Would I want to have children with this person and live together as a family? Decide on what is your purpose in life, what is the most important to you, how can you best serve others, what are your top passions, and what are your goals in your life? Write these on paper to stay focused and then put forth the effort to work towards accomplishing them by taking consistent action every day. Consider a few of the essential qualities you are looking for in a spouse, then don't limit your options, pray to God the Holy Spirit and feel the freedom within you of being open to the many possibilities that you have. Embrace opportunities each day to meet/communicate/and interact with new people. Invite people to do activities you are interested in. As a solid strong man who is a leader with a vision for your own life and family be certain your own life is together by taking personal responsibility spiritually, financially, mentally, and physically. Exercise often such as lifting weights, running, boxing, martial arts, or any rugged physical activities to increase testosterone, fully breathe, and feel awesomely alive. Jesus is a tough man being God and has strength, and he turned over a table and did manual activities. Talk to more people to become more social. Be happy with yourself no matter what. Every time you turn on a light bulb remember it took Thomas Edison more than ten thousand attempts before it became a reality. Live your own interesting, fun, active lifestyle that other people, including women, want to be a part of. What are new things you have an interest in doing where there will be other people there? Be more active, go new places, do new things. Don't try to please or impress anyone, just have fun doing activities with other people. Have ambition to make plans with action steps on a daily to-do list, then take action every day to make the dream you can see yourself living in your life a reality. You will have then successfully become a great man with women turning to you.
# Posted By Brian | 7/18/09 1:10 AM
anonymous's Gravatar As a woman, I perfectly understand your frustration. I have also found that many so called "good catholic men" my age tend to like, flirt with, etc, with women who would be considered as the "bad girls". Those men, unless they change, I'll simply pass. Many men say nicer things to women who dress immodestly and show them skin (and those women, with all respect, they call themselves "very religious"). Those men simply would ignore a modest woman who would respect herself and ultimately him. With so much unfaithfulness out there, from both sides, I still wander why this is happening. Aren't we suposedly looking for a spouse or for someone who would entertaing the eyes until years pass and there's no more beauty? I've seen this trait both in men and women.

In my friendships with different people, I have also found that some men out there would even become friends with women that show them a lot of skin just because they want to keep on looking, especially in the social internet networks. It's like free feast for the eyes, and they don't even realize that they might be doing a great harm to themselves and their future relationships, unless, I guess, they learn (or we learn) to choose the right friendships.

I think that we need to start training ourselves now, for that faithful commitment to the one we will ultimately love for life, not when we're married, that would be too late, I guess.

If we don't know how to containg ourselves and our eyes now, how do we think will be possible to do it in marriage, which requires even more sacrifice and commitment? Lord, how hard it is these days to find that someone who would really respect themselves and us. My only hope is "Jesus I Trust in You". If you've already found that someone who is truly honest and commited to the faith, don't let her go. What are you waiting for? Do your job before someone else finds her.

Thank you Anthony for your response, because, I'm sure that it will be worth the wait for that "right" person. We all need to be a little more serious about looking in the right places. Love is more than just a beautiful figure.

God bless you
# Posted By anonymous | 7/18/09 1:41 AM
Alicia's Gravatar I wonder whether the women after "bad boys" are serious marriage partners. I imagine they seek to be validated by an alpha male who could get "anyone" and not really thinking about foundations of a strong, healthy relationship. Another good question to consider is why a man is attracted to these types of women. What features do they have in common and again are they the right ones for marriage and motherhood?
# Posted By Alicia | 7/21/09 2:27 PM
Gay Davis's Gravatar Dear Chivalrous young man,

Don't change a bit. Trust me the women who are looking for "bad boys" are not the ones you would be interested in. It takes, for many young women, a degree of maturity and self assurance that alas too many lack these days, to recognize what a prize you are. I will keep you in my prayers. Try to join some type of club, too, that interests you such as a hiking club or thing of that sort. You may well meet there people who are far more interested in doing something positive with their life than just "hooking up".
# Posted By Gay Davis | 8/3/09 2:42 PM
Gay Davis's Gravatar Dear "I know how he feels",

Unfortunately, it is true and has always been true that it is more of a challenge to find a mate if you do not have a job and have health issues to boot. But do not let this discourage you. Try to join some inexpensive club like a hiking club (Sierra Club) or some type of inexpensive club (book club at local library) that you can take part in with your health limitations. If you love good books and find a great book club, you may well find someone who appreciates the same things you do and will be more happy with this fact than worried about your financial status. These days, women do not have to depend on men for financial security. Many have good jobs of their own and would like to meet someone who shares their same interests.

Don't give up. You are on my prayer list.
# Posted By Gay Davis | 8/3/09 2:46 PM
Ann's Gravatar As a young woman in my mid 20s, the reason some women are attracted to the "bad boy" is because, like Anthony said, they have confidence in themselves (or what seems to be confidence, although it doesn't take long to see that it is really an insecurity, usually). But, truth be told, if a halfway mature woman is given the choice between a confident bad boy and a confident gentleman, more often than not, she will choose the gentleman.

Any woman who is ready for marriage, be they young or not so much, is looking for a man who knows himself, and does not apologize for who he is. For me personally, I am far more attracted to men who are open in their opinions, even if they are knowingly contrary to what my opinions are, simply because it shows that he knows what he wants, and will not hide his true self in order to please me. This showing of one's true self is actually more respectful (to me at least), because it shows that he is not simply trying to impress me because I'm pretty; he confidently and humbly giving me the opportunity to make my decision regarding him. This is not to say that it's good to enter into a relationship with someone who is disagrees with you on everything; but it's far less stressful in a relationship when there is a mutual acceptance of each other's opinions (with the exception to really important issues, of course). Moreover, women see a man who is confident as one who will be up to the challenge of taking care of her and fight for her honor.

My advice: You're still young, and so part of the reason women may not be as receptive is because of this; and that's okay:). Moreover, you still have plenty of time to find yourself. To do this, first you must PRAY. Then, find an outlet that is for YOU, as in, something that you are interested in for reasons other than finding a wife. Focus on discovering who you are, what you want (and not just in a potential mate). This will help you grow in self-confidence, self-knowledge, and more importantly it will help you allow God to lead you to your vocation. This is not to say that you should put a halt on your search, but do not let it preoccupy your time. It's up to God in the end anyways, and the more we let go to His will, the more easily and quickly He can lead us to our vocation.

And finally, for the sake of all women, don't stop being chivlerous ;)
# Posted By Ann | 9/12/09 11:23 AM
Willa's Gravatar Oh no brother, we want you that way and please teach the rest of your breed brothers!
# Posted By Willa | 10/15/09 1:19 PM
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