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How should I deal with my boyfriend’s past sexual experiences?

Posted At : August 18, 2009 8:28 PM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
Related Categories: Ask Anthony,Dating

Dear Anthony,

Do you have any advice for a dating couple with a difference in past sexual experiences? (I have had none; my boyfriend has had some.) In Patricia Wrona’s book The Exclamation, she writes that it is better if a couple is equally yoked, i.e., both virgins rather than one virgin and one very experienced. I agree with her that it shouldn’t be a deal breaker, but it is awkward. Also, it bothers me that in conversation my boyfriend occasionally mentions the name of someone from his past sexual experiences.

Sexual experiences in a person’s past are never a “deal breaker” at first knowing this. What matters is how a person has dealt with their promiscuous past. I have covered this and similar issues previously on my blog.

I think a virgin has every right to desire marrying another virgin. They are just getting so scarce, however, that I worry that a person will miss out on or postpone their vocation (which is the higher good) because of this desire. If a virgin is willing to take the risk, then by all means they should seek another virgin.

As for bringing up in conversation a person from the past by name (especially one they have had sex with), that is wrong. In fact, it is impolite and even rude to do so. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t know any better. So you need to share with him that you are uncomfortable with his bringing up these women by name in your conversations. It’s just not necessary for him to do so. If he feels it is important to do so, he first needs to explain why. If his answer seems reasonable to you, then let him do it, but just once to get it out of his system, and never again. There just is no practical reason to do so. If he persists, then this is a red flag that there are other issues he needs to deal with. If he is dealing with them appropriately (i.e., working on it with a spiritual director, getting professional counseling, etc.), then that is a good sign. If he is just dealing with them within himself, that’s dangerous. So be sure you ask him questions directed at how he is dealing with his sexual past. The last thing you want is to go into marriage with anyone who still has unhealthy issues from their sexual past.

I am praying for you every day.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

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Peter's Gravatar Anthony, your councel for this woman is good and she should take notice of any "red flags" of any unresolved past sexual issues; if "pleasure" is the end toward which one seeks sexual 'union' and not "the person" (spouse) as one reflecting the Image of God, then notice red flag, if he's sincerely working on his 'sexual issue', I see no reason why she can't continue with him.
# Posted By Peter | 8/19/09 8:18 AM
Recovering Sinner's Gravatar With all due respect, while it is laudable for someone to seek the best spouse possible, such a hunt can and does lead to an unrealistic search for a perfect person, one who will fulfill my own desires for perfection. A virgin is not necessarily more prepared to enter into marriage than one who has squandered his virginity (and I say his in the most gender inclusive way). Think of the prodigal son's older brother! He was far less ready to receive the love of the Father than his brother who had spent the inheritance.

Admittedly, it is not without some self-interest that I point out that the 'virginity status' is something of a red herring. I have my own past through which God has allowed me to come as through a swamp. I have had to embrace it as it is what he gives me and no one can change. I realize it is not easy for someone else to embrace, but knowing that we are all sinners, I trust that in God's mercy he has prepared someone who can love me despite the infinite ocean of mercy that God has opened up for me. I remember the great lessons Christ taught about the capacity of love of those who have been forgiven much, and I almost shrink from those who do not know their own sins and the great mercy God has shown them in preserving their happy innocence.

It is good to question the dedication of those who have gone astray, but do not judge hastily, or you may lose a treasure.
# Posted By Recovering Sinner | 8/19/09 10:29 AM
Patricia's Gravatar I often read Anthony's blog, but don't usually chime in, but since my book raised this question, I thought I would comment. The issue here is not about perfection, or seeking perfection. Primarily, the issue is about avoidance of sin. If someone is leading you into sin, they are not a good match for you. Someone with a lot of premarital sexual experience, who has not fully dealt with that sin as of yet in his or her life, and has not yet found a way to fully control that (usually by means of good spiritual direction) can very easily draw a less experienced girlfriend or boyfriend, into that sin. That is the equal yoking I spoke of. There is nothing worse than having to be the one who is always struggling to keep the sexual lid on a relationship, particularly if you are the woman, "against" a man who has much more sexual experience, and feels denied by your commitment to chastity. But if the person with the more sexual past has put those temptations behind him or her, and has rightly ordered their sexuality to its proper place (only within a sacramental marriage), and has a good track record of chastity since that past, and has proven that to you by not pushing the line all the time with you, then the less experienced girlfriend or boyfriend can trust in that, and to me, that is no longer an unequal yoking--all have sinned, some in one area, some in another. As the last poster suggests, with love, we can all overcome our sin areas. As a wise priest once said to me, "Is what Christ has redeemed not redeemed enough for you?" Of course, the answer is Christ can make all things new. I also talk in the book about "Catherine of Alexandria" syndrome (the folly of seeking perfection in all things Catholic in a spouse). Sometimes, God may indeed call a person who has lived in perfect chastity to be marry someone with a more "Augustinian" past, as a way of leading that person safely to a sacramental marriage (to them or with someone else). We all must be open to God's prompting, with no hard and fast "rules" other than someone be Catholic and available for sacramental marriage. All the other information is discernable material, and we must be open to where and to whom God may lead us, without pride but rather with humility about ourselves and our own failings. May God bless everyone here as they seek their vocation to marriage.
# Posted By Patricia | 8/19/09 2:09 PM
anonymous's Gravatar I think this topic has a lot to do with what is felt at a gut level. As a virgin, it's difficult to imagine myself with a non-virgin, and it's probably similar to what someone who has had, let's say, three sexual partners, would feel about marrying someone who has had thirty partners. Whereas a previous comment mentions that someone seeking a virgin could be unrealistic, it's more unrealistic to expect the virgin to ignore what he or she feels at a deep level.

From my dating experience, I venture to say that it is rare for a non-virgin woman to take seriously a relationship with a virgin man. I think they respect such a man, and even admire him for it(especially if they are Christian), but there is an unconscious "what's wrong with this picture" regarding the pairing, and the thought of marriage brings to mind their past mistakes in a way that is harder to bear than it would be with a fellow non-virgin.

I greatly respect someone who can sense God's mercy, and the greater spiritual maturity they may have from repenting and feeling God's love. Yet part of me desires for the return of a social stigma over this specific sin, a stigma strong enough to create an obstacle(surmountable but at least challenging) for the marriage prospects of non-virgins. Otherwise, sexual immorality continues(or gets worse), virgins become even more scarce, and the situation for virgins seeking virgin spouses gets even more desperate.
# Posted By anonymous | 8/19/09 11:57 PM
Mark Pennington's Gravatar His focus now should be on you and you alone. I agree with Anythony. There is no reason for him to discuss/include an ex with you, unless he is trying to reveal more about himself and his past in order to include you in his whole life. If he is "opening up" then I'd bear the information. If he is comparing, however, or dwelling unnecessarily on the past thats just impolite. If thats the case, I'd shoot that down pretty quick and ask him to put his past behind him and focus on who is most important to him now. Please give some thought however to whether he feels not fully connected to you and wants you to know more about him and his past in order to strengthen that connection. Some people may be a little emotionally needy so I'd practice at being a good listener if you feel its worthwhile to do so.
# Posted By Mark Pennington | 8/21/09 2:58 PM
Patricia's Gravatar "We all must be open to God's prompting, with no hard and fast "rules" other than someone be Catholic and available for sacramental marriage. All the other information is discernable material, and we must be open to where and to whom God may lead us, without pride but rather with humility about ourselves and our own failings. May God bless everyone here as they seek their vocation to marriage."
# Posted By Patricia | 8/19/09 2:09 PM


How I wish more AMS members would really take your advice to heart, Patricia. There are so many men here seeking a "perfect" woman with no mistakes. Men who want women who are gorgeous, attend certain types of liturgies, don't wear pants, have a certain BMI! I can't tell you how discouraging it is and how demeaning too. Thanks for you interesting comment on a very enlightening topic.
# Posted By Patricia | 8/22/09 8:10 PM
Jeannine's Gravatar RE: Criteria and ideal person. I think there must be attraction and chemistry between a man and a woman. If you do not meet in person, you will not know. Do not prolong the emails and talking. Meet someone as soon as possible if you are interested in meeting that person you encounter on Ave Maria Singles.
# Posted By Jeannine | 8/24/09 2:20 PM
Anonymous's Gravatar Regarding Anthony's comment about the risk of missing out or postponing one's vocation by seeking another virgin, I'd just like to say that there's another side to this coin. For me, my vocation has been postponed in part, I think, because I was failing to face my own desire to marry another virgin. Yes, I knew they were scarce. Also, for so long, I thought my virginity made me the strange, even maladjusted one - I just hoped someday I'd find someone who could accept it.

Gradually I began looking at myself differently. The idea that my first time could be with my future spouse started to seem pretty cool. It also started to seem pretty cool if it could be her first time too. Even more than a cool possility, I think I began longing for this. But it was difficult to face, due to sheer unlikelihood(at least in this era, in this country), and due to the possibility that perhaps such a desire was uncharitable. However, I now know that it is possible, and believe that, as regards charity, my preference is at worst neutral.

If any of these thoughts of mine ring true for anyone reading this, I encourage you to look inward and see what traits are important in your future spouse, and if virginity is one, then at least do not feel it is wrong. Furthermore, rather than postponing your vocation, consider whether your preference might actually assist you in finding your spouse. That is, if you find yourself being attracted to too many members of the opposite sex, unable to choose one to start dating seriously, you can focus on the very few who are virgins.
# Posted By Anonymous | 8/28/09 1:25 PM
John's Gravatar Generally, I don't think it's appropriate getting too personal too quick when it comes to the other's past sexual experiences. But if someone is bringing up explicit sexual experiences and/or people without being provoked to do so I'd say that's a red flag. We as Catholics live now and if we are still emotionally/psychologically affected by past sins enough to bring them up spontaneously to our date than that's a problem that needs to be healed before a healthy relationship could be maintained, in my opinion.
# Posted By John | 10/4/09 8:20 AM
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