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Act Like You Want To Date

Posted At : May 6, 2010 12:13 PM | Posted By : Anthony Buono
Related Categories: Dating

I want to share with you a note I received from a woman who is struggling to figure out what more she can do to improve her chances of meeting her future husband. I found it to be very insightful and I think many of you could find it useful for your own dating purposes (married purposes, too, for that matter). It applies to men, as well.

"Dear Anthony,

I was at a job fair recently where the speaker addressed the topic of finding a good job, and he mentioned how important self-image is. He said "If you want a job, act like it!"

It struck me very hard and I could not help thinking how this actually applies to my dating experiences. I think when I talk to men, I don't really act like I want the job of girlfriend, because I'm always too afraid. I'm afraid of the rejection and I'm also afraid of what to actually do if things DO work out. Then there's all the getting hurt business.

So, being conscious of this, I tried to be more open to men while attending a dance. It wasn't easy. There was a guy there whom I was attracted to and whom I recognized. He's friends with one of my friends from a singles group I belong to. He seemed to notice me and looked like he was interested in approaching me. However, I was totally paralyzed and didn't smile or talk to him at all. And even with the great excuse I had of his being friends with one of my friends, I did not figure out a way to go talk to him.

I guess I'm sharing all this with you because it's a lot harder than I expected to make changes to yourself even when you KNOW (at least in part) what you need to change. However, I am still hopeful and I am trusting in God, and I expect I will persevere inasmuch as what I want aligns with God's will. I'm realizing that in trying so hard not to come across too eager or desperate I instead act disinterested and aloof and that doesn't help move things along.

So I have learned something important. Now I have to figure out how to implement it. It's hard to communicate interest, without coming across as too eager. This may sound crazy, but I figure I need to get some practice getting rejected and need to learn to expect it. It's funny to think of it this way, but practically speaking, I need to find 10 good prospects and just KNOW I'm going to be rejected eventually by 9, and hopefully one will manage to stick around :-)

Well, I thought you would get a kick out of this. Please keep praying for me.

God bless you."



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Mark Pennington's Gravatar Great letter! I can relate to so much of what she wrote. My solution, which I am trying to do myself is basic: Be kind to strangers. Ask them a little something about themselves, be just a tiny bit interested in everyone you meet. With respect to not wanting to come across too eager or desperate, I'd say yes, try to have some interests / hobbies of your own thats shows you have an identity and a relationship with Christ apart from a guy. Whether its horseback riding, learning how to sail a boat, tennis, golf, concerts/music, hiking, camping--your pick; just give me, as a man, something that I can chat with you about and I most likely will. Of course we can all talk about our favorite Saints, prayers, churches artwork, etc-- but a good conversation with me includes more than my adoratio of our Lord.
# Posted By Mark Pennington | 5/6/10 12:34 PM
Amy's Gravatar The way I see it, I only need to be "accepted" by one guy. After all, I'm not going to marry ALL of the guys I date (or even am interested in). I can afford to set my bar realistically high because truthfully, I only need one guy to clear it! (Obviously setting the bar insurmountably high or having unrealistic expectations is counter-productive.)

The good news is that in heaven we get to never be rejected by anyone. The bad news is we ain't there yet. :-) Dating on earth is a process-of-elimination game. Fortunately, you get ahead by both being "rejected" AND by being "accepted." Either way, God's got you covered!
# Posted By Amy | 5/6/10 12:50 PM
ANon's Gravatar This post really touched a nerve with me because you see, this is exactly how I feel many times not only with dating but with employment. Let me explain.
Last year an opportunity came up for a full time job. I have recently returned to the workforce after reskilling (yet another Masters degree) and 17 years at home as a mom. I did not apply for the first job even though it was with a Catholic school board. The reason: I didn't believe I could do the job. I was afraid I might fail. :(
Months later a second job came up. I realized my mistake with the first job. This job was much better and was in the organization I already was employed by. I applied and interviewed for this job and this time I simply kept telling myself that I could do the job. I pictured myself doing the job. The entire job interview process took over 3 months which gave me time to work mentally on myself.
I got that job. And yes, I can do the job - very well! :D
So now I do need to work on myself with regard to men. It's about having self confidence and believing you have self worth.
I don't know this woman's past history but mine is not too great. I was hurt very deeply by the abandonment of my exhusband. I know intuitively that all men are not this way but I fear being rejected, failing, being abandoned again.
I don't think it is a case of "getting some practice" being rejected. I think it's learning to deal with it. It's also about understanding that your worth as a woman is NOT tied to how the man treats you. You are worthy and have dignity BECAUSE you are a woman made in the image of God.
I have a daughter who is an emerging classical pianist. Sometimes performing doesn't always work out the way it should.
That's when we apply BAM .
Breathe
Accept
Move on.
God bless,
ANon
# Posted By ANon | 5/6/10 9:01 PM
Dee's Gravatar Humm. Great insight! I like the plan of the ten prospects ... a great proactive way. I'll give it a try and let you know the outcome. 10 works great because what fails with one prospect can be corrected with the next :)
# Posted By Dee | 5/6/10 10:39 PM
Mark's Gravatar BAM- I like that!
# Posted By Mark | 5/7/10 10:47 AM
Brenda's Gravatar I can relate, also. I like the concept of the similarity to a job interview.
# Posted By Brenda | 5/7/10 11:11 PM
mark's Gravatar You know, maybe the guy was thinking the same thing and was afraid to approach. If there is a mutual friend then the best thing to do is ask the friend to introduce you, and if you like the other person then tell your friend and they can make a hint to him to ask you out. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and you may miss out on your future spouse., God wants to help us but, it requires our cooperation.
# Posted By mark | 5/9/10 6:31 PM
Roland's Gravatar In anxious moments, it helps to remind yourself of the biblical truth that the person facing you is created in the image of God, and loved by God. It brings a new Light to every encounter. Jesus said, follow Him those that are burdened. How true it is to human experience when Jesus said he is the Way, the Truth, and the Light!

This has helped me more than a ton of analysis.
# Posted By Roland | 5/12/10 2:19 PM
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