Why aren't I getting replies?
Dear Anthony,
I know you get this comment all the time, but I find it so frustrating that I have e-mailed three men this year, with not one response. Not even a "not interested." I know I need patience and I pray to God daily to guide me through this, but just wanted to check to see if something could be wrong with my e-mails.
Thank you for writing, and for sharing with me your frustration. It is true that you need a lot of patience and prayer when going through a process like online dating. But of course, part of the process is how we present ourselves and the actions we take. So let me see if I can offer you anything that might help.
Regarding the three contacts you have made since January, one of the early two is a man who is in a relationship, so he is likely ignoring any contacts. The one you contacted recently is a man younger than you. I know there is nothing wrong with a woman being older, nor your contacting men younger than yourself. That's is perfectly fine. What I want you to understand is that, at least with online dating, men your age or younger are looking for a woman younger than themselves. That is not an "absolute", but it is the norm. You just need to understand that if you attempt to find someone on the site who is your age or younger, you are going to have to be very understanding if it does not happen due to the reality of the norm.
The actual emails you are sending are good. They are short, friendly, and do not come across as forward or desperate. You say "Hello" and that you find something interesting about their profile. You also invite them to contact you. You tend to not specifically say what you are interested in, but rather say "we seem to have similar interests". It's always best to specify the things you find interesting or similar, and than you briefly share what it has to do with you. You could probably just stop there. A man worth his salt will already understand that you are interested in him communicating with you and will know what to do with this brief, friendly contact from a good woman like yourself. If he does not know what to do with it, then he is probably not worth knowing any further.
But let's say he "thinks" he knows what to do with it but is not quite sure and does not feel you gave him enough of an open door to make him feel confident about pursuing you. The way to avoid this is to follow up your nice, brief comment with a question. Asking a question ensures that you communicate you wish be get a reply. So let's say you tell him that you enjoyed reading about his growing up in a large family and that you also grew up in a large family. Instead of saying "I think we have a lot in common, feel free to contact me", you could say something like "I was the middle child but never felt neglected by my parents. What number were you in the family, and did you ever feel neglected?" This will give him a clear indication that you want to hear back from him, and also you give him something very specific to enter into dialog with you about.
Finally, you are only contacting men in your area. I understand why you would only want to meet someone in your state, but it is a long, established fact that the greatest success with online dating comes from being open to meeting someone wherever they are, and that it is very common for it to be two people from at least another state. The right man will fly out to meet you, if you have concern about how a long distance relationship will work. I'm sure that if you configure your attitude to being more open to a long distance relationship, you will find that there are ways to make it work that you otherwise would definitely think could not work when closed to the idea.
My advice is to start contacting men who are older than you (think about 10 years older as a benchmark) whom you find interesting. Don't worry about where they are. It will be good for you to just first experience contacting men who would be open to corresponding with you. That will help you get a better feel for what is possible and what is not possible.
Remember, this is a process you go through WITH God, and being open to the movements of God is very important. The less restriction you give God, the more opportunity and possibility for success God can provide for you. I know it can be frustrating, especially when you do not get a reply after you took the time to write to someone. But the good news is that it only takes one person for this experience to be a success. That one person will come in God's time, and in conjunction with your good efforts. If you are doing everything you can, you have to give the rest to God and not be tempted to control God or the situation with the time-frame you expect things to happen in, or your attachment to what you want to happen when you write to a man. Just do what you have to do, and keep the peace of Christ that is His gift to you, no matter what happens.
I hope this helps.
Yours in Christ,
Anthony
Fulton Sheen on Love and Marriage
Entire FultonSheen.com library
However, I don't think that contacting someone around your age is a bad idea. I personally don't feel comfortable with men who are older than me more than the most 3 to 5 years. I don't feel comfortable due to the experiences in life.
It bothers me a little when a man who is more than 7 or 10 years older than me contacts me. Again, that's me. I don't feel comfortable. It gives me the impression that I am with my father or my older brother.
In my family, most of all of my relatives who are married are both around the same age. Maybe 1 or 2 years difference.
Some men like very young women, but they don't understand that most of us, women, don't feel very good with too old men.
It's not fair to think that, just because a selected group of men are looking for 10 years younger women that that should be the "norm" for all. It's not fair for us women to have to "settle" with an older man.
Thanks.
I am 52 and I can tell you that I have no intention of looking for a man in his 60's. If I don't marry so be it but I won't be marrying someone 10 or 15 years my senior.
I really believe this characteristic of men looking for considerably younger women online in mainly an virtual world phenomena. I doubt seriously that many 65 year old men would approach me in the real world to ask me out. I think they would first of all probably mistake me for a somewhat younger woman (less than 50) and I believe they simply would feel uncomfortable doing this.
I doubt many 50 year old men would approach a 30 year old woman in real life to ask her out either.
I think that is why there are few marriages in the older age groups on AMS. The men are simply too busy dreaming about pursuing much younger women or simply not acting at all.
I very much agree that an introductory email whether from a man or woman should mention something specific about the other's profile and ask a good (not too personal!) question. Give a reason why you are writing! It can make a real difference in why someone would want to write back.
In regards to men seeking women about 10 years younger, I strongly disagree. It may be the norm for some, but is it really being open to God? When I first joined AMS I was amazed that within a short time dozens of men 10-20 yrs. older than me were contacting me, most giving no reason why. My first reaction was to wonder if they would ever be open to dating women their own age. One topic that is almost never discussed is the reality that men who would like to marry 10 +yrs younger women need to be prepared to be a father and provider of young children when they are past retirement age. Is that fair to the wife and children? Too often the desire to want children turns into entitlement. Is God's will really being sought? Is a beautiful relationship waiting but never realized because a woman is first weighed in worth by her age?
We all need to pray and seek out where we may be limiting God's action in our own lives and then His grace in!
However; it might not your e-mails that make men do not reply.You should wait at least a month for a man to reply then if he did not, send him another e-mail asking him about the reason of his ignoring your mail. If he still not responding, then send an e-mail to the support center and tell them everything and discuss the situation with them about what should you do.
My advice is do not ever feel hopless because two men did not reply to e-mails. It is very important to remember that if a man and a woman they not for each other then they should decide that before they get married.
One of the reasons I do not reply at times is because of experience. I replied to one such woman whom had liberal political views. After I mentioned that I was looking for someone who was conservative, I received an angry, sarcastic and painfully scathing reply from her. I learned my lesson... do not reply back unless I really, really think it will not be too painful.
It also makes me wonder how many out there are the same as her.
Age difference also depends on the person. Some people it bothers them, others it doesn't. Personally, I would feel uncomfortable with a woman who was 10 years younger than me. I have seen several ladies on the AMS site who are between 35 and 37 who have their "age blocks" set at 40 or 41, where an exception must be asked.
Some of it depends on life experience. As a man who returned to college full-time after working a few years, most of my friends are 5 years younger than me. Therefore, to me, a 42 year old man with a 36 or 37 year old female makes sense. I would also say a 45 year old with a 37 or 38 year old is a good match too.
However, I do think it is inappropriate for a 40 year old man to contact a 25 year old girl.