Compatibility: A Closer Look

I read a lot of marriage and relationship books. The subject of compatibility comes up often. One I read recently concluded that a marriage can legitimately be over if compatibility problems are discovered along the way. This idea of compatibility being the basis of a good and happy marriage is widely accepted.

As a Catholic, I am not a fan of marriages ending at all. However, marriages do end, and practically speaking I recognize that some marriages end for good reason. If this were not true, there would be no such thing as declarations of nullity from the Catholic Church. Compatibility is something I would recommend that couples have as they determine their decision to get married. But the word does not mean what it has come to now mean; namely, a congruence of interests. This makes compatibility mean that the individuals of the couple have similarities that make it very easy to be together. Even the thesaurus on this Microsoft Word software says that “compatible” means “well-suited”.

Couples with a congruence of interests make marriage look easy. Where there is a congruence of interests, there seems to be no issue of age gap. I am thinking about the great Catholic philosopher, Dietrich Von Hildebrand who married a woman 34 years younger than him, Alice Von Hildebrand. Their deep interest in the Catholic faith and philosophy brought them together and gave them a congruence that made it so age did not matter. Their marriage endured, and Alice has been a widow for many, many years. But she, of course, would never trade the years she had with this man she loved with all her heart.

Does this mean you cannot have a happy and loving marriage if you don’t have similar interests? If you have more differences than similarities?

Many people feel this way, and this definition of “compatibility” is widely accepted. I need to remember what people mean when they speak about “compatibility”. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who is well-suited for them?

However, this is not what the word “compatibility” originally meant. I am a words person. I like to know how an English word came into being; what the roots are for the word. When you look at the Latin roots of the word “compatibility” you find the following:

• “Com” means “with”
• "Pati” comes from the Latin verb “Patior” or “Patiri”, which means “to suffer; to endure”. We get the word “patience” from this Latin verb. The word “passion” in the context of Jesus’ suffering comes from this Latin verb as well.  Other keys Latin roots are “patiens” and “patientia”, both meaning patience,  endurance, suffering.
• “Ability” or “able” means “capacity” or “capable”

The real meaning of “compatibility” is “the capacity to suffer with another person.” In the context of marriage, compatibility is connected to the vow to love one another through sickness and health, for better and worse. It is the bearing of one another for the sake of the other. To endure the unpleasant times or moments with patience.

Do you have the capacity to patiently endure and suffer things that the person whom you choose to marry will present to you? If you do, then you have a key qualification for being a married person.

Suppose your spouse loves to talk about soccer all the time, read books about it, and watch the World Cup on television. They express this interest to you with great enthusiasm. You, on the other hand, cannot stand soccer, and inside, as your spouse is talking about soccer, you cringe, or have a temptation to say something snooty. What do you do? Should you bring out those negative things and present them to your spouse? Or should you keep that to yourself and choose to smile and show support and encouragement to your spouse for their enthusiasm?

True love demands the latter. In fact, the test of your own character and where you are on the road to sanctity is primarily in these moments of having to endure and suffer through that which your spouse enjoys but you do not. A fundamental, practical purpose of marriage in God’s plan for us is to purify our souls through these moments where we must bear the other person.

What if the person wants to talk about something you heard a hundred times before and you don’t really want to waste time listening to it again? This is another occasion to show your compatibility; your willingness to bear with the other. When you do it out of love, you can endure it joyfully, not begrudgingly. That is very important. People can tell when you are not really paying attention. It’s important that compatibility be understood to be the patient endurance with another with JOY!! You accept that you should endure, and you love the person enough to show genuine interest in enduring.

We say a person is “unbearable” sometimes. These moments are perhaps a good time to go on retreat or at least go out for a ride in the car to take a break and collect yourself. Better to do that than to allow the other to see you blow up or do something else hurtful during a time that you should have shown a more loving endurance.

One thing is for certain. We are called as Christians by Jesus to bear one another. “Bear with one another” means to be “compatible”. We are all capable of suffering patiently through difficult times with another person. God’s grace given to us as Christians assures us of that. If we do not, it is to our own detriment, and a wasted opportunity to be perfected and develop good character.

Too often, good relationships are destroyed (sometimes very slowly over time) because of one or both selfishly behave uncharitably toward the other by refusing to share the other’s interests. An abusive level is reached when the one not only does not want to endure it, but also seeks to make the other feel bad about what they are trying to share; to break their spirit. This kind of behavior causes serious damage to relationships, because these acts hurt both persons simultaneously.

It would serve us all well to stop thinking of marriage as happy only when both persons have common interests and similarities that make the feelings of love ever present. Marriage is much more about enduring and bearing the other patiently. It is much better for our salvation if we learn that true love bears all things patiently, kindly and honestly.

Compatibility is primarily about yourself. You must ask, “Am I capable of patiently enduring another person when I don’t feel like listening to what they want to share, or doing what they want to do? Am I capable of allowing another person to grow into the person they are meant to be even if it means suffering?"

If yes, you are a compatible person for anyone you choose, because it is YOU who has to be ready to love when it is hardest to do so. Two people with this compatibility about themselves are able to have a happy and lasting marriage.