Dear Anthony,

I know you get this comment all the time, but I find it so frustrating that I have e-mailed three men this year, with not one response. Not even a "not interested." I know I need patience and I pray to God daily to guide me through this, but just wanted to check to see if something could be wrong with my e-mails.

Thank you for writing, and for sharing with me your frustration. It is true that you need a lot of patience and prayer when going through a process like online dating. But of course, part of the process is how we present ourselves and the actions we take. So let me see if I can offer you anything that might help.

Regarding the three contacts you have made since January, one of the early two is a man who is in a relationship, so he is likely ignoring any contacts. The one you contacted recently is a man younger than you. I know there is nothing wrong with a woman being older, nor your contacting men younger than yourself. That's is perfectly fine. What I want you to understand is that, at least with online dating, men your age or younger are looking for a woman younger than themselves. That is not an "absolute", but it is the norm. You just need to understand that if you attempt to find someone on the site who is your age or younger, you are going to have to be very understanding if it does not happen due to the reality of the norm.

The actual emails you are sending are good. They are short, friendly, and do not come across as forward or desperate. You say "Hello" and that you find something interesting about their profile. You also invite them to contact you. You tend to not specifically say what you are interested in, but rather say "we seem to have similar interests". It's always best to specify the things you find interesting or similar, and than you briefly share what it has to do with you. You could probably just stop there. A man worth his salt will already understand that you are interested in him communicating with you and will know what to do with this brief, friendly contact from a good woman like yourself. If he does not know what to do with it, then he is probably not worth knowing any further.

But let's say he "thinks" he knows what to do with it but is not quite sure and does not feel you gave him enough of an open door to make him feel confident about pursuing you. The way to avoid this is to follow up your nice, brief comment with a question. Asking a question ensures that you communicate you wish be get a reply. So let's say you tell him that you enjoyed reading about his growing up in a large family and that you also grew up in a large family. Instead of saying "I think we have a lot in common, feel free to contact me", you could say something like "I was the middle child but never felt neglected by my parents. What number were you in the family, and did you ever feel neglected?" This will give him a clear indication that you want to hear back from him, and also you give him something very specific to enter into dialog with you about.

Finally, you are only contacting men in your area. I understand why you would only want to meet someone in your state, but it is a long, established fact that the greatest success with online dating comes from being open to meeting someone wherever they are, and that it is very common for it to be two people from at least another state. The right man will fly out to meet you, if you have concern about how a long distance relationship will work. I'm sure that if you configure your attitude to being more open to a long distance relationship, you will find that there are ways to make it work that you otherwise would definitely think could not work when closed to the idea.

My advice is to start contacting men who are older than you (think about 10 years older as a benchmark) whom you find interesting. Don't worry about where they are. It will be good for you to just first experience contacting men who would be open to corresponding with you. That will help you get a better feel for what is possible and what is not possible.

Remember, this is a process you go through WITH God, and being open to the movements of God is very important. The less restriction you give God, the more opportunity and possibility for success God can provide for you. I know it can be frustrating, especially when you do not get a reply after you took the time to write to someone. But the good news is that it only takes one person for this experience to be a success. That one person will come in God's time, and in conjunction with your good efforts. If you are doing everything you can, you have to give the rest to God and not be tempted to control God or the situation with the time-frame you expect things to happen in, or your attachment to what you want to happen when you write to a man. Just do what you have to do, and keep the peace of Christ that is His gift to you, no matter what happens.

I hope this helps.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I’ve been trying to be a good, Catholic woman, and trying to prepare to be a good wife. But why is it that none of the men that I have met so far have any interest in preparing themselves to be a good husband and act like if this is going to come automatically once they get married? They like to party a lot, (nothing wrong with just a party, but I’m sure you know what I mean), overly flirtatious with women or staring at them (sometimes even right in front of me), maintaining many female friends on social networks that dress like scantily, (like a soft porn magazine style), and yet they want their future wife to be pure, modest and virgin? What makes them think that a decent woman in her right mind would want to date a man like that? What are they thinking?

Thank you very much for contacting me about this. I understand what you are going through, and have heard similar things from many other women over the years. Guys get a bit disturbed sometimes about my responses to women who have these types of issues with men; they tend to think I am only interested in defending women. In fairness, I want to first say that this is a problem both sexes are facing. There are many good men having to deal with women who claim to be Catholic but don't seem to be concerned with modesty or being overly flirtatious, nor interested in preparing in many important ways to become a good wife and mother. I invite men experiencing similar issues to write me to ask me to address specific things for them, which I am happy to do.

For now, I want to address your question regarding men (some of the principles which men can apply to their situations). What I like seeing in your question to me is your own efforts to improve yourself. I would encourage you to continue recognizing any issues you have, and working on yourself to become the kind of person a good Catholic man should want in a woman for a wife and mother in the vocation of marriage. I applaud that you understand the importance of working on yourself.

To move on with your specific question, there are a lot of ways I could answer this for you. I think most ways are not going to be very helpful to you because there is not much you can do about it. For example, when asking why aren't men interested in preparing themselves for their future wife, or what are they thinking when they say they want to meet a nice, pure, modest virgin, but continue to show interest in what seems like the wrong kind of girl, the possible answers are not very inspiring. Because if Catholic men are not preparing themselves for their future wife by trying to get into life habits and attitudes conducive to a man who would have to show true love and devotion to his wife and family, then they are not really interested in the reality of the process of marriage, nor the maturity it takes to build their lives properly.

However, most Catholic men who desire to be married are sincerely making the appropriate efforts, but perhaps are falling short due to some very powerful forces that affect the modern American Catholic man. These include affluence, media, pornography, advertising, and certain kinds of neglect during their upbringing that has affected their character. Women need to be patient with these men and understand there are forces working on them. Women should not excuse them for their immaturity or bad behavior/habits, but being kind and gentle with them is important. If they display no desire to work on the things they need to change or do something about, then a woman should not believe he is going to change later. I agree with you that a good man will know his weaknesses and imperfections, and desire to work on them. Too often, men are not willing to admit these problems. This is very sad, because they do not realize it is not just themselves they are harming, but also the women they will interact with, one of which could have potentially made a suitable partner for him. But he will not end up with her, due to his unwillingness to making changes.

There is hope. I believe that the right woman can change a man substantially. If he recognizes in this right woman her love, her holiness, her beauty, and an openness to give herself to him, he will not want to lose her. A good woman can make a man become what he needs to become to win her. You keep being the person you need to be, and be patient with a man who shows potential. Don't be quick to condemn a good man who fails; encourage him by your own virtue. Gentle persuasion, especially through your example of how you conduct yourself and your firm principles, can do wonders to inspire a good man. If he is not a good man to begin with, he will see this as being contrary to what he wants, and you therefore don’t want him anyway.

You do not have to settle for an immature man who does not want to work on himself. But be careful not to dismiss a good man with a lot of potential, who might simply need time and a good woman to inspire him. Finally, pray for men in general, but particularly your future spouse, wherever he is. Ask God to inspire him to be work on becoming the man he needs to be for marriage, and that he will have the eyes and heart to realize who you are when you come along in his path.

I hope this helps.

Yours in Christ,

 Anthony

Dear Anthony, I am a chaste woman who takes the teachings of the Church seriously. I have been dating Catholic men for 30 years and have grown discouraged that I will ever meet the right person. Sadly, most of these men I've dated make no apology for wanting to have sex with me. When they see I am adamantly never going to give in and am saving myself for marriage, they lose interest. I realize human beings are weak, but I don't understand why I am able to combat temptations of the flesh but so many are not. I feel like I am going crazy, and I don't like feeling that I need to give in to pre-marital sex just to win a man.

You are not going crazy. In fact, you are quite the saintly person. I know that in this day and age it's difficult to find someone who has not succumbed to the temptations of pre-marital sex. I am happy to see that you are not discounting being open to someone who has had pre-marital sex in the past. If you did, then you would be narrowing your opportunities significantly.

What is clear and admirable is that you want to be respected. You are a woman who loves God so much that you will not succumb to the use of God's gifts of sexuality inappropriately. You want to save yourself for marriage. This is the ultimate respect to show your future spouse because of the very graphic nature of what marriage is; giving the other person rights to your body. At a wedding ceremony, two persons exchange the rights to each other's bodies. What a beautiful gift it is to give this person your virginity with those rights.

This is what people don't understand about pre-marital sex. It's not about avoiding pregnancy (though that is important), nor about it being a sin (though that is important), nor about it being hard to combat because of the human weakness of two people who are falling in love (though this is important to understand). At the heart of virginity is the right of expressing our sexuality. For a consecrated individual, their virginity is a vow to God which voluntarily, generously, and joyfully forfeits the right to give their body to another person as a gift to God in their consecrated life to Him. Why? Because it is God they will be married to, and Who has the rights to their body.

For a person who feels they are called to marriage, their body is to be a gift to that one person they choose of their own free will, and with whom their sexuality will be expressed. It is a "must" that they use their bodies sacramentally in this Divine design of their sexuality, which is meant to unify, procreate, and permanently bond. Every act of pre-marital intercourse is wrong primarily because it does not follow a free will exchange of rights to each other's body. Therefore, neither of them have a right to commit that sacred act.

You understand this. It is an aspect of who you are. Who you are is a woman who wants to show the highest respect for her future spouse. You understand that human beings are weak. Too often others are not able to succeed in saving one's self for marriage. They should not be made to feel they have lost their chance at a holy sacramental union in marriage. However, although a person who has pre-marital sex experiences is capable of having a happy and holy marriage, they have lost their chance to offer themselves to God and their future spouse in this important gift of self. This is very sad. I pray that more people will realize how tragic it is to give up their virginity for temporary physical pleasure that cannot guarantee future happiness, and how significant it is give that virginity to the person they pledge their life to.

Someone like yourself faces the possibility of never being married, and therefore never offering your body to one person. You face never losing your virginity, or experiencing the physical and spiritual pleasures that come with sexual expression in marriage. It is a wonderful thing, when you have true love. But let me add that it can be a disaster if you are married to the wrong person. Any man who will only be open to making a permanent commitment to a woman if he gets to experience her body BEFORE marriage is not a man who is capable of being the kind of husband required in marriage, nor arguably is capable of selfless love required to make marriage work.

Even if people have been taught pre-marital sex is wrong, and is a sin and offense against God, there can still be a major ignorance that keeps them from remaining a virgin. That ignorance has to do with the will and one's ability to control oneself as they face temptation, coupled by a lack of connection of their humanity with the Divine. Pre-maritial sex is a huge temptation. No one can survive this temptation who has not developed the virtue of self-control. Without a well developed will, weakness can take over the undisciplined person and they fall.

The person prone to give in to pre-marital sex has disconnected themselves from the Divine. They have a compartment for God and a select way they will love Him, and a separate compartment that stores their own desires. This means they are living a dual life. Instead of destroying the compartmentalizing approach to God so that every aspect of their life is connected to God, they foster the dualism in order to justify their poor (and dare I say "unGodly") choices. They have to! How else can a Christian person who claims to love God get away with such actions?

I have met so many well-meaning Catholic people who are suffering from dualism and undisciplined will. They do not even realize it. All of us Catholic persons have a responsibility to seek truth and take advantage of the Sacraments that supply God's grace to help us rise above life's setbacks. God is always inviting us to know ourselves and make the decision to choose Him above ourselves.

This answers your question about why you can live chastely and others cannot. You told me about your upbringing and your strong parents who lived this chaste life, and impressed it upon you strongly. It was accompanied by character building and learning self-control. They helped you develop your will to be strong and disciplined, and guided you to live your life completely connected with the Divine. Living fully connected to God, particularly through the Sacramental life of the Church, is how you maintain it.

You should not consider yourself anything other than blessed, and take delight in knowing that you are living your call to be a saint by choosing faithfulness to God. Our happiness is not in another human being, it is in union with God. Keep your hope alive and yourself available to meet a man who will love you and marry you. But if it never happens, remember that your reward will be great in Heaven.

Jesus Christ is really present in the Eucharist and His image on a Crucifix is where you will experience the ultimate witness of self-control and connection of the human and Divine. You have the Eucharistic Lord in your heart and at the center of your life. That is ultimately why you are able to remain chaste and not waiver from your position. You are giving witness to these men (whether they know it or not). Everyone should have such focus on Christ.  Then they would persevere through unchaste temptations.

Dear Anthony,

Are men intimidated by me because I travel so much? I am 50 years old with no kids and don’t intend on just sitting around for the rest of my life. Traveling is important to me, it is a hobby that I very much enjoy and I want to do it for as long as I can. I keep contacting men who say that they like to travel, but have never gone anywhere. Why would a man my age say they enjoy traveling but then not actually travel? What do you think I should do?

This is a very interesting problem you raise. The answer to your problem seems obvious, but I believe there is probably something more to this that we should touch on. What’s obvious is that you not only want to meet a man interested in traveling as you are, but one that has actually done quite a bit of traveling. It is important to you that the man you meet has travel experiences because that is a sign to you that he is cultured and enjoys life. A man who has done no traveling signifies to you that he is likely not interesting enough and perhaps someone who will not enjoy life at the level you like to enjoy life.

Life to you means traveling to see the world. A man who has done no traveling is someone who would hold you down and perhaps take the life out of you. In light of the obvious, by all means, do not waste your time with men who have done no or very little traveling. It is too important to you to continue traveling to different places in your life. If you are communicating with someone who is just saying he would like to travel but does not really plan to do it, nor wants to find someone who will enjoy traveling together as a couple, then kindly end the communication and move on.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to find a man who loves to travel and has done traveling already, even at your age of 50. Are there men out there who love to travel as you do, and have actually done extensive travel as you have? Of course there are. You are just not meeting them. Why not is another question. Perhaps the type of man who has done traveling tends to not be interested in a woman like yourself. I don't know. But I don’t really believe that. I think there is more to it.

And that brings me to what is not so obvious.

What is not so obvious are several possibilities:

1 – You might give the impression that you are an unsettled woman. Travel is not the issue at all for men. It’s the fact that you have done so much traveling and continue to want that as a priority that perhaps makes them second guess you as a potential spouse. They might be thinking you are the type that has to be constantly going. Despite their interest in finding a woman who likes to travel, they likely don’t want a woman who is obsessed with it, or uses traveling as a gauge to determine if the man is a future husband candidate.

2 – You might give the impression that you are an expensive proposition. Men might be thinking that you have expensive travel taste, and paying for two people to do traveling is much more challenging than paying for one person to travel.

3 - You might give the impression that you are high maintenance. Even men seeking to meet a woman whom he could do traveling with do not want to feel like they MUST do traveling in order that his wife will stay pleased with him and happy.

4 – Maybe many men are just cheap. They might like to talk about things they want to do, but they would never commit to paying for them. Maybe they don’t see the value of spending their money on travel compared to saving it. Life to them is not about spending money, but saving it and saying home. They like to dream rather than do. Spending money on travel would actually disturb them, and they could not enjoy themselves.

5 – Perhaps many men just don’t have the money. The difficult economic climate makes it hard to consider doing anything considered a luxury, such as travel. You feel travel is a necessity for living, and they believe it is a luxury.

The not-so-obvious things imply that perhaps there is something wrong with your attitude when it comes to interacting with men regarding your life. There is the life you have lived up to now, which may be very intimidating to men; and the life you want to live for the future, which might also intimidate them based on your strong sense of how important travel is. We always have to be careful how we present the things that are important to us with others. I know there are very good men out there who have not done the extensive travel you have but would make excellent husbands for someone like you. But ONLY if you have the ability of toning down how important travel is to you. If you can’t do that, then so be it. Your only hope is to find a man that identically shares your enthusiasm for travel and determination to do it for the rest of his life.

However, I think you are going to find it difficult to find a man who wants to travel that much for the future and shares the level of enthusiasm you have. But you do sound like a woman who is exciting to be with, so I hope men will not be easily intimidated by you and see in you a spirit for living that is essential, and which they will consider is a great benefit to helping them stay young themselves. If you have as much love to give to a man as you have for travel, that is one fortunate man whom you say “yes” to for your hand in marriage.

Travel is an absolutely wonderful thing to share together as a couple. It has so many positives towards enhancing you at the individual level, and fostering love at the couple level. I strongly recommend you find a way to round off how you present your love of travel to men by sharing more about what it does to you as a person and how much you long to share it with another. If you only speak narrowly about traveling, it can tend to seem self-indulging. But I think you can be more attractive to a man about travel if you can make the connection between travel and its value to living life and sharing love.

By all means, do not discount a man who has not traveled. They might only be waiting for the right reason to do it. Help them to realize that you are that reason. And that goes for anything that is important to us. The right person will find in you the reason to share what is important to you.

Dear Anthony,

Why can’t people show common Christian courtesy and send a reply to a message? I know you have spoken about this in the past, but it’s just too frustrating and I am wondering what the point is anymore of using the site if this is just going to keep happening. What am I missing?

The question of why people do not get a reply to a message sent is still one of the most common questions I deal with. Not a week goes by without getting an email from a frustrated member dealing with this issue. It’s been a problem with online dating from the beginning, and it shows no signs of going away. As you might imagine, I am also personally frustrated because I can’t provide people with an adequate answer that makes the problem go away for them, nor have I been able to do anything about it in order to make the problem go away.

Therefore, it is probably best for us all to start accepting the fact that it’s here to stay. There is always going to be the problem of people who do not reply to a message sent. I think this is a first step to making this problem really go away. Since it is a fact and a reality that not every message sent out to another person is going to be followed up with a reply, the real problem is in expecting a reply.

When you expect to get a reply to a message you send out, you set yourself up for disappointment should you not get a reply. That sounds obvious, but based on the thousands of people over the years who have addressed to me their frustrations about this happening, it must not be so obvious.

Expectations in general are a dangerous thing. When we “expect”, we judge. To expect anything at all from anyone means you have prejudged the person or the situation. Take the issue of not getting a reply. You write a message and you send it. You expect a reply to that message. You can also say that you have prejudged that if you send a message to another person, not getting a reply would render the action of writing in the first place to have been a pointless exercise, and cause you any number of negative reactions for having wasted your time. You can also say that you have prejudged the person to be good or bad (or Christian) based on whether or not they reply.

I am not saying we should not have expectations. We all do. But we do have to be careful about actually “what” we expect, and “with whom” we expect. If you are writing to a friend, it is reasonable to expect a reply. But writing to a perfect stranger whom you have never met or spoken to before should not have the same expectation. In fact, you can argue that the more logical expectation is that you will NOT get a reply due to the fact that someone is getting a note from another person totally unexpectedly.

No one should judge someone who is receiving a note from a stranger because no one can know what anyone else should or would experience upon receiving such a note. Whether or not the note gets a reply depends on many things, not the least of which is what the note says. In all the years I have been getting emails from frustrated members regarding their not getting a reply to a message sent, I cannot remember anyone ever telling me what exactly they wrote and why they believe they should have received a reply. What I am told is the reason they should get a reply is because it is a common courtesy to do so or the Christian thing to do, etc.

It seems obvious to people that the reason why they did not get a reply is because that person is not interested and is afraid to just come out and say that. I don’t disagree with that. I do think oftentimes people who don’t reply to a message they get do not do so because they are not interested. But that does not make them a bad person. Nor does it mean that person does not have a good excuse for not replying. I don’t want to make excuses for those who don’t reply, but I do know their excuses can be valid. Perhaps you don’t feel that any level of fear would be a good excuse. But sometimes people fear hurting the other’s feelings by replying and saying they are not interested. So many people have told me they would rather get a reply that said sincerely they were not interested than get no reply at all. However, if we are honest, it is not that great to get rejected either, is it? It can be quite the dilemma.

One thing is for certain. If the person receiving the message has a positive and favorable experience, and has any level of interest in the person who wrote, they will reply. Not getting a reply to a message you send should not cause you to become negative. Anything or anyone we give the power to make us lose our peace should be a red flag to us that we are the problem. Jesus did not give us His peace in order that we would abandon it at such a cheap price. And He certainly does not want us to give the power to lose it to any other person. So don’t give anyone that power. And start “expecting” to not get a reply when you write. That will make the replies you get that much more special. And by all means, do NOT stop writing because you are afraid of not getting a reply. That would be the worst thing you can do. Continue to take the risk and put yourself out there.

Finally, consider what you are writing. Perhaps it is something in the way you are corresponding that is causing you problems with getting a reply. I have seen all kinds of disastrously terrible initial correspondences by people who have wondered what they are doing wrong. Sounding desperate, or anxious, or like you are not really even trying can all work against you. People know when they are being addressed as a unique individual person or just as a number in the process. Whatever you write, make it sound like you are interested in that person, AND also like you, yourself, are an interesting person they should want to get to know.

Ask yourself when you are writing your message, “Why should this person reply to what I am about to send?” If you still have problems getting replies, ask family and friends who know you well and love you to read your initial contacts and ask them to be honest with you as to what they think. Particularly, get those you know of the opposite sex to read them and ask if they would respond to what you wrote. I have had people say to me that the messages they get sound so canned or like they were just cut and pasted with only the change of the name of the person they are writing to, that they did not think it deserved a reply.

Don’t let the no-reply issue ever get you down to the point of giving up. It’s obviously just part of the online dating experience. And you are not alone. Thousands go through this same experience. When it happens, don’t let it sour you toward using the website, or the opposite sex, or lower your self-esteem, or anything negative. Simply move on and continue the journey with God with a positive and confident outlook rooted in faith and hope.

Dear Anthony,

I’m a single woman and I’ve been good friends with a single man for several years. Lately I find myself comparing other men to him and seeing that no one measures up, and I feel upset whenever he talks about other women. And now, in addition to the emotional attraction, I find myself attracted to him physically. I have no idea how he would feel about all this, though, and I’m afraid to find out. Where do I go from here?

It sounds like you are in love. And that means you want to move forward to the next level with this man and things will never be the same again. You have to accept that reality. Things will never be the same! There is no going back to “the way it was”. You are attracted to him in every way and you now cannot see your life without him. It is probably that reality that keeps you from addressing this with him because you are afraid to lose him.

Unfortunately, you are going to have to risk losing him. You really don’t have a choice. There is no going back. You are in love. The problem with having these kinds of movements and feelings is sometimes you don’t know if the other feels the same and wants to move in the same direction. You want to believe this is what God wants and trust it, but what if it does not work out? Of course you are going to feel upset whenever he talks about other women. You can’t stand the thought of him being with someone else. But if he does not feel the same as you do, it makes sense that he would talk to other women. So it is a real dilemma.

It seems to me you have only two options: 1) You tell him. 2) You stop communication with him completely. It’s obvious you can’t just remain friends with him, so these are your only two options. My advice is that you call him and tell him what you wrote me. Share with him how you have come to the point where you can’t see your life without him and how you get upset when he talks about other women. Tell him you did not look for this, but it has happened that you are attracted to him in every way and you measure every other man against him, and no one else compares. Tell him you have no choice but that you need the two of you to become more than friends, because your friendship has grown so deeply that it only makes sense that it go deeper.

Yes, this is a big risk. But you have no choice. You must take that risk. You may very well find out he has felt the same way but was afraid you were not at all interested in that way. Or he might only recognize that you make perfect sense about the two of you ONLY after you bring all this up. Men can be like this: either afraid to bring up something so risky lest he lose the woman, or blind to what is “really” going on in the relationship and in need of a wake-up call. Either way, your bringing this up is a good thing, not a bad thing. No matter what the outcome is, you would be doing the right thing. To do nothing is only going to do more damage, and for a much longer time than it has to go on.

For both of your sakes, you need to tell him. So call him as soon as possible, and tell him. You can’t “not know” any longer. That will drive you crazy. Even if he does not share your feelings and you lose him, at least you will know. That is so much better than not knowing and living a life of wondering, and trying to be two different people while keeping your relationship with him.

I know you feel that at this point in your life you could not live without him and do not want to risk the unhappiness of losing him. That is going to tempt you not to take the action you must. But pray to the Holy Spirit to give you courage to do this and the right words that need to be said. Ask Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to give you peace in the outcome, no matter what it is. If you do lose this man after telling him your feelings, you will be in a position for God to lead you toward where you need to be led, and to whom you need to be led. As it is now, you are fixed in every way on this particular man, so you really cannot do anything else until you address things with him. God willing, this will be the man you “should” be with. You will not know that, however, until you take the risk.

Love is a risk. If you love this man, then you will risk it all. God will reward you for it, and He will get you through it. But if your vocation is to marriage, you cannot keep this friendship going on any longer because it will keep you from being open to another man who will be available and interested in loving you, and you will be available to receive that love and give it in return.

One last very important thing. If after you tell him your feelings he tells you he does not feel the same way, he may very likely ask that you both remain friends. You have to consider this carefully and prayerfully. I have already stated that I believe there is no going back because you are in love and you will likely never stop hurting to know that you cannot be anything more with this man than just his friend. And in the name of moving forward for your vocation, it does not make sense to me that you continue with a friendship that will distract you. I suppose that is what I am asking you to prayerfully consider; namely, will this man distract you from your vocation and moving on? Take it to Jesus and allow Him to enlighten you. Love is about making the hard decisions, too. And sometimes, if we really love someone, we have to let them go.

But let’s hope it does not come to that. One thing at a time. Pray hard and get the courage to tell him. You have to do it. I will be praying for you, too.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I’ve been in regular contact with a man in writing and on the phone for a couple of months. When I mentioned to him that we should plan to meet in person, he said he has so much going on in his life right now that he doesn’t want to add to it by setting up a time to meet me. I’m at a loss. Am I right to be concerned?

You are absolutely right to be concerned. Men who do this make women feel as if they are doing the woman a favor. That is not good! Doesn’t it make sense that a man should make a woman feel he is interested in her? Of course it does. Does indicating that he has a lot going on in his life make a woman feel as if he is interested in her? Of course not. So you have done enough, and have gone as far as you need to in order to know if this particular man has interest in you. The least he could have done is say how much he would enjoy meeting you in person as he states any facts about his being too busy to do it at this time. He has clearly said to you that he has better things to do than to meet you in person, so it’s time to move on.

Women have a tendency of making the mistake of doing nothing when a man behaves like this. It is understandable why. It is hard to let go of someone you really like, or say something that might risk him cutting things off. But that should not deter a woman from doing what she needs to do. It does not help to allow a man to procrastinate meeting her in person. It actually harms the relationship, and both parties. So it’s best to do what needs to be done anyway. It might cause you some pain to do this, but my suggestion is to contact him and say something like the following:


Dear [what’s his name],

I have enjoyed our conversations by writing and phone, and was hoping to get to know you more through meeting in person. However, you don’t indicate you are interested in meeting me in person, and I don’t want to feel uneasy about an undetermined time in the future when and if this might happen, so I feel I have to end things with us and move on. I know you said you were busy, and I can appreciate that. But you have not shown interest in meeting, so I have to believe this is not too important to you. I am seeking a husband and don’t want to waste time. It seems right to me that the next step for us is to meet in person. I’m sorry things did not work out. If you change your mind and are ready to visit me in person, I would be open to that. Otherwise, I am not interested in further communication. I hope you can appreciate that I feel it is best for both of us to invest our time wisely, and for me that means only with men who show interest in meeting in person after a short period of writing and talking by phone.

Sincerely,

[your name]


This kind of note says what needs to be said without accusing or sounding bitter. And you definitely need to make it definitive-sounding so the man knows clearly that this is it. You have to indicate it’s over and you don’t want to communicate again unless he is taking the next step. Does that make sense?

Again, this can be a hard thing to do for a woman, especially when she really likes the man and it seems that things are going well otherwise. But I assure you, it is well worth determining now rather than later whether he is really interested in you or not. And God will bless you for taking such a step in the name of your vocation. That blessing may come in the form of this man being inspired by your action to take that next step and meet you, or it might come in the form of a better man coming along soon after. Either way, the certain blessing is peace of mind and heart from God that you did the right thing, regardless of the outcome.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I take exception to the assumption you make in your column "The Call to Marriage" that there is only a calling to the priesthood and that marriage is a default position. This point of view is valid only for someone who has never lost hope in either the possibility of love or the sacrament of marriage. Those who have no good role models for marriage and who view marriage as temporary and always ending in separation or divorce because of examples set by parents, relatives, or friends, do in fact get a “call” to be married. My view of marriage for many years was that it does not work. I had lost any hope that I would have a lasting marriage and had simply decided I would not get married. After returning to the Church I began to get this call indicating that my assumptions about marriage were wrong. A divorced coworker, commenting on my attitude toward marriage, said I should try it, it might not turn out the way his did. I am getting a distinct "calling" that my abandonment of hope for a permanent marriage is not warranted. Marriage as a default position may hold for the small percentage of young adults who come from stable families with good role models, but for average young adults (and even older ones like me) who see long-term marriage as rare, and have few good role models, God does indeed call to tell them there is a chance for something different in their flawed concept of marriage.

Thank you for taking the time to share this. I can appreciate your position. But you are definitely coming from a different perspective than I was. The points and observations you make about marriage are very good and important. But they are from the perspective of marriage as it is NOT meant to be. In other words, you are citing things about marriage based on the failure of human beings at trying to make marriage work.

My position was an objective sense of vocation and of marriage. Just because human beings fail at marriage does not mean they were not called to be married. And my point is that the majority of human beings born into this world are supposed to be married. Marriage is practical. It has as its main purpose the bringing forth of children into this world and educating them to be the persons they were created to be, as well as leading them to know, love, and serve God. Marriage is practical for helping two people develop as better individual persons through the love and dedication they have to the other person. Marriage also prevents things that go against the nature of a human being, like loneliness, lack of purpose, sexual urges, and the need to give and share love. So a mutual care of the spouses is a main purpose to marriage.

Because marriage is practical, and because it involves two human beings in the promises of marriage, there is never, ever a "perfect" marriage. In fact, people fail at being a good spouse or parent all the time. So marriage does not guarantee there will be no problems, nor does it guarantee that the children brought forth in the marriage will always have the best example during their development. The beauty of the sacramental nature of marriage is also the only guarantee of marriage; namely, that God Himself will be part of the marriage and provide the grace to make the marriage work. And despite the imperfection of the two individuals as spouses or parents, God can still bring about good and healing and anything else necessary to ensure ultimately that each person of any family will get to heaven if they seek Him and walk with Him.

Too many people today are expecting too much of a prospective spouse, which stems from an ideological approach to marriage instead of a practical approach. In other words, people are looking for guarantees. They want a guarantee they will always be happy in their marriage; a guarantee their marriage will never end; a guarantee they are marrying the right person; a guarantee that things will always get better and never worse. The expectations that people put on the person they are dating or married to is dangerous because it puts marriage at risk in two ways: (1) that when marriage takes place, the pressures put on each other due to the high expectations make it almost a certainty the marriage either will not survive or will be rocky; and (2) that a marriage might not take place at all due to the "cold feet" brought about from these high expectations weighing on the mind to the point of never making an act of the will.

Marriage is a risk. Those who avoid it are risk-averse. They would rather never be married than risk any level of unhappiness or even ending up with a divorce. What they really lack is faith. And I don't mean only faith in the sense of things always working out. I mean also faith in the sense of when things don't go as we hope, and God still is there and working things out. We all want to take a leap of faith if we know it's all going to work out, but we hesitate if we feel it might not work out.

So I would like to see more people look at marriage not as a calling to be discerned, but the path to always prepare for and work at following unless a call to NOT be married happens, and exercise their call that all human beings share to become saints and to be mothers and fathers, whether it is through their natural children (which most will have) or through being motherly or fatherly toward children in other situations (as aunts and uncles to the children of siblings, as teachers, in the parish community, organizations for young people, etc.).

Because of all the failed marriages a person observes throughout their life, it can make a person become "turned off" to marriage, and thus psychologically cripple their ability to make the commitment to one person in marriage. But that does NOT mean the person is not called to marriage, nor that they don't still have a duty to get into marriage despite their fears.

I am all for people NOT marrying who are not capable of fulfilling the marriage commitment. These scars of the past, or other commitment issues, render a person not yet capable of entering into marriage. But that does not mean they are not called to marriage. Therefore, they should be working hard to do whatever it takes to heal and come to a resolution of their problems so that they are capable of marriage. But many do not do this. They choose to remain in their state of incapability of marriage and observe the world around them with blame and accusation, and use these as an excuse for their decision to not make a commitment to one person in marriage.

This is all a long-winded way of saying that your duty to your vocation to marriage depends, right now, on your taking action to resolve your personal issues with marriage, get healthy so you are capable of making the free-will act of marriage to one person, and then getting on with finding a suitable partner to marry. But please, do yourself, your future spouse, and marriage itself a favor and do NOT seek to marry just to "give it a try", as your coworker so loosely suggested. To "try" implies an intention to quit should it not work out. We don't want people "trying" marriage. We want them intending to make and keep their commitments, and making a decision. It is a decision based on the effort to determine as far as possible that both people love each other and believe they should make the commitment to marriage. It is also based, hopefully, on careful efforts to know each other as persons, as well as addressing any issues of the past or that make sense for ensuring the marriage will have two people moving in the same direction together. This is all very different from giving it a try. If you cannot get your issues about marriage resolved and healed and become healthy about marriage, then, though you are called to marriage (which you likely are), you should remain single.

I would guess your coworker meant to say "try it" in order to encourage you not to fear making a commitment to someone who will make a suitable partner, nor to fear it not working out. Obviously, your coworker took the risk of marriage and it did not work out for him. We cannot judge his situation. But despite all the best efforts and intentions, some marriages do not work out, whether it is two people remaining together and not being as happy as they would like to be, or a separation or divorce taking place. We all know these things happen, but they are never what was intended. No one goes into a marriage expecting it to be unhappy or to fail. But it certainly will be unhappy or fail if we are only giving it a try, or relying on the other person to take care of the main needs of the marriage.

For marriage to work, there MUST be a 100% individual effort by both spouses to love the other, and to continue improving themselves. At the same time, there must be a profound inclusion of God in the equation. Without God, it is impossible.

Sadly, many who want to be married do not get married, whether at all or later than they had hoped. That is another problem with the "call" aspect of marriage. It seems like a cruel thing for God to call a person to marriage and not provide the person to marry. God cannot force two people to make an act of the will to consent to marriage. So there are marriages that do not take place that should have, but one of the persons did not make the decision for whatever reason. So marriage-minded persons end up remaining unmarried. However, no person can escape their call to parenthood, even the single person. Single men and women can exercise this in their life by being a good uncle or aunt to their sibling's children, or helping with the children in their parish, etc. God did not intend any person to spend their life exempt from helping others (especially children) get to Heaven. Everyone might not be able to be married, but all can help children in some way.

Let us both pray to God that you get past this attitude you have about marriage and focus on what are the real issues you must overcome. I hope this has helped you with some points to start with as you approach God in prayer.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony