Dear Anthony,

I have gotten many responses to my profile but no action. Why is it these men are such great talkers but seem to be really interested only in someone to write to and chat with?

Great question, and it does seem apparent that there is a real problem of commitment among men. I have to first say that there are plenty of men who are action-takers and willing to make a commitment to a woman when the time and person are right. So don't be discouraged.

Having said that, I think it is fair to say that there is an "epidemic" of men who will not make a vocation decision that will alter the rest of their lives, whether that is marriage or the priesthood. I have no doubt they like the concept of being in their vocation, but they don't like the process required to make the commitment. I think a lot of it has to do with their not liking the fact that it is themselves, and not God, who is ultimately responsible for making the decision. By waiting for God to reveal 100% what they should do takes the responsibility off them. Women can be like this, too. We all have a desire to know "for certain" what God wants of us. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. There is no way to know anything "for certain".

Therefore, we must be people of faith, who go out on a limb, or take a chance, who risk it all. And that is at the heart of the definition of a true "man". That is also the problem. Men don't want responsibility, even for themselves, so they lead lives of putting off. They don't want to take a risk that they might end up regretting, so they make no major decisions at all.

This is the epidemic: men who don't want to make the WRONG choice. Instead, what we need are men who walk in faith and make choices, period. Men who don't fear making a wrong choice, but rather rejoice in taking action and living with the consequences. What these men who fear don't understand is that is there is great peace and joy in moving forward in life by making decisions, commitments, and acting in faith. Sure, they have faith and as Catholics they believe they should act on their faith. But so many do not take that concept further than religious practice. In other words, they feel they are men of great faith because they go to Mass or to Confession, or give alms to the poor, etc. Yet, at the same time, they are trying to control their own destiny for the things related to their personal everyday life.

This kind of Christian is not one who truly believes in God as Father, or Our Lady as Mother, and certainly not Jesus as Brother. Where is the faith that God will not allow us to make a decision that is beyond repair, or that can't be blessed by Him? This fear of choosing a woman and making a lifelong commitment to her is selfish pride in action. It is not faith, nor trust in God.

As you pointed out so accurately, men can be great "talkers" but have no follow-through. They don't realize that they are leading the women on. They are not careful about what they say and how long they communicate. And in the end, they just fizzle to a stop like a soda that goes flat. Then, they are content to see it end and just move on to the next person to continue the perpetual game (that has no ending, by the way) of searching for one person they claim will be "the right one", yet have no way of really knowing that information for certain.

The fact is they don't act. They don't decide. And therefore, the act of NOT deciding is actually a decision. The have decided to NOT act. Then they hide behind God as an excuse by saying, "She is not the right person God has for me."

I gave a talk recently where I encouraged the men to take St. Joseph's lead. He took action in everything and allowed God, whom St. Joseph trusted in completely and lived his life to serve, to redirect him if his action was wrong. In the Scriptures, there is a very big mistake he is about to make. He decides to put away Our Lady in a quiet divorce. But God intercedes through the angel and tells St. Joseph it's okay to take her as his wife. And then immediately he takes action to correct his wrong action.

It is only in our taking action (making decisions) and moving forward that we will ever really learn what God wants. And I can assure you that we learn how to be good spouses only by being a spouse. It's an "on-the-job" training in so many ways. If we are living lives close to God, and we trust Him as our Father, He is not going to let us make a fatal mistake. There is nothing wrong with men taking action to ask women out, meet them in person, or even to ask one to marry them. Why they don't do all these things is beyond me. Perhaps they are too cheap to pay for dates with someone. Perhaps they are too afraid they will end up with someone who will not make them perfectly happy. Perhaps they don't trust a woman to let him be the man he wants to be. Whatever it is, it is crippling these men and causing the women to suffer the perpetual "waiting on the man".

In all the "perhaps" comments, there is selfishness and a desire to "want", not to love and serve. To love is to seek the interests and happiness of the other in all things. To serve is to give of oneself for the sake of the other in all things.

I think perhaps these men don't want to love or serve. They want to BE loved and want to BE served so all their pleasures and expectations of life are satisfied. If I am wrong, I would love the men to come forward and correct me. But how can it be denied that men are NOT marrying women? And many are not even dating women seriously. Men need to stop "hunting" for a woman with whom he will be pleased enough to marry. They have to start seeing how their role is to find the woman they will choose to love (which means unconditionally, and despite getting anything in return) and serve. They just don't realize that that is the key to their happiness, and they are wrong in thinking they will be happy if they find the one who satisfies all their needs.

There is a lot to this issue that can't be covered in this response to you. The answers have to come from men in order to get to the bottom of this problem. It would be great to hear more from men and get their reactions to these observations by people like me and by women. Women are much more open to voicing problems and concerns. Men seem content to keep these things to themselves, and don't want to come across as complainers. But I think also that many men don't think they have any problems at all, and that these issues women have with men are just misunderstandings and injustices by complaining women.

So that is why it has been much harder for me to help men. But I am trying. I want to work with men, I want to understand them more, and I want to help them where I can. But in the end, ultimately, I want of men what God wants of men; namely, to grow up, take action in choosing a wife (make a decision), and move on with their vocation, which is the primary purpose of their life.

Dear Anthony,

What would you say is the appropriate amount of time to correspond with someone before meeting in person? And when should a person stop corresponding if there is no initiative to meet?

Two very good questions. Unfortunately, there is nothing absolute. Every situation is different. However, a woman always has to look for "commitment moves" from men in order to continue giving them credibility in this process. "Commitment moves" are signs of moving forward or that a man is capable of moving forward. The last thing a woman should do is waste her time with a man who just wants to hang out. And since women are not in a position to initially say "Are you a guy who will take steps toward commitment?", they have to be able to observe the signs and act accordingly.

With that said, I think there some general benchmarks that can help Catholics using online dating regarding when to meet in person and when to stop corresponding.

First, you have to be corresponding regularly to justify asking these questions. If you are only writing one exchange per week or more, you are not in a serious correspondence, and therefore do not have the first commitment move. You know you have someone you can potentially meet in person if you are writing each other many times per week.

Once you are writing a lot, it should not be more than four weeks before you should be at least "talking about" meeting in person, if not actually making plans to meet. At this point also there should be interest to talk by phone. Meeting in person should actually happen between one and two months of the initial written contact. If the man does not mention the idea of meeting in person after four weeks of regular correspondence, then you should be considering cutting things off. Again, there are no absolutes, so you have to consider the individual, but it is very rare that a man who is interested in a woman will put off the next level of pursuing after so long. If he is not asking about speaking on the phone, then it might be time to end it.

Now, by "end it", I don't necessarily mean cut off correspondence. What I really mean is to start seriously engaging in correspondence with other men and meeting them (which you should be doing anyway). Many times women allow themselves to believe that because they are involved in heavy written exchange with a man online that he is very interested in her, and she feels she should focus on just him. That's a bad idea! Again, women MUST look for commitment moves from men before they start to consider stepping back from others. If a woman senses a man is serious about pursuing her, she will wait for him. Men who hold back showing any signs of commitment (even the commitment to meet) might not be serious about making the commitment to marriage. So men have to step up and take risks and ACT!! This is the sign a woman needs to stick around. Women who stick around anyway in the "hope" he will act are just setting themselves up for being hurt and wasting valuable time. Maybe he will come around eventually, but from my experience it rarely happens, and so many women have been hurt because the man never showed further interest. Then they wonder why the correspondence suddenly ended.

What if after several weeks of heavy correspondence he does not talk about speaking on the phone or meeting in person, but you really like him? This is tricky for a woman to do, but you should consider giving him a nudge by mentioning that you are open to talking by phone or meeting in person if he is. Men sometimes need just that little sign from a woman before they have confidence enough to take on a more firm leadership role. But after that first time, you should not do it again. Men are not attracted to women who continuously try to lead things along. It can be interpreted as being pushy or seeming desperate, etc. Give the man a nudge and then let it him take over.

If you don't get any serious interest from him as a result, then you should consider saying something like, "I have enjoyed corresponding with you and would like to get to know you more, but I am not open to just writing and believe that meeting in person is the best way to get to know if something more serious is possible to develop with someone."

A wise man will take this as a sign to step up, and a good man who doesn't want to lose the opportunity with a good woman will do the stepping up. A weak, indecisive man will fizzle away. And then you will have wasted only a month of your time and not many months, or years, for that matter. Some men will feel rejected by this. But that would be a foolish response, because a note like that clearly indicates you are interested and want a commitment move, otherwise you can't waste your time. I say this because I also know that many women are nervous to make this kind of statement out of concern that the man will be scared off and correspondence will stop (which is not a good feeling). But please be assured, a good man will be refreshed to hear this kind of thing from a woman and his respect level will increase.

Sometimes men do not see any rush for anything in their life, including meeting a woman in person. They can have bad reasons why they are not open to meeting women in person, even on a site like Ave Maria Singles that is meant for marriage-minded, committed Catholic singles. It could be they don't want to spend any money on meeting someone in person (especially if it means traveling a long distance). Perhaps they like the feeling of dialoguing with women in writing but are not comfortable meeting in person. I have heard lots of reasons why men put off making the very first basic "commitment move" of meeting in person or talking on the phone. Some are flat-out afraid to meet women in person. Some don't want to make the financial investment required to date a woman, especially if it means traveling to meet, including long distances. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that many men are not making the move to meet. I know of one of our couples who were not able to meet for six months at first. But they were talking about it almost right away. He was serious about meeting, but they had legitimate circumstances that kept it from happening. But they were talking on the phone and making plans to meet at the opportune time.

I really feel that a man should never enter into a correspondence with a woman in an online Catholic dating situation unless he is prepared to meet her in person if things go well in writing. It's not really fair to get a woman's hopes up only to end up saying (or not saying, but just not acting) that he can't meet in person.

So don't set yourself up for being hurt by allowing him to prolong your corresponding or by putting too much hope in his making a move. Women have only themselves to blame for letting it go on for so long. Men subconsciously don't respect a woman that lets them get away with not acting on the relationship properly or taking risks in the name of finding their future spouse. If a woman will let a man do nothing serious or say anything that shows a move toward a serious relationship or marriage itself, then he might still write to her because he enjoys the attention and feeling of a woman interested in him, but he will never respect her enough to pursue her.

My opinion of the general rule of thumb for online dating is that you should be talking seriously about meeting in person after a month of writing, talking on the phone by the end of that month, and meeting in person within one to two months. Once you meet in person, if there is desire to continue the relationship, then meet in person at least every two weeks for a couple of concentrated days together (this is primarily for long-distance relationships where travel is necessary). It should take only two months of meeting every two weeks (if the time is spent wisely; namely, with a lot of talking, sharing life goals and vision, worshipping together, meeting family and friends, asking good questions, etc.) to know if you want to be exclusive with each other (courtship), which is then a time period in which you determine if there is any reason you should NOT get engaged to be married.

Dear Anthony,

It seems I’m continually meeting Mr. Wrong — men who claim to be devout Catholics but turn out to be arrogant or unfaithful or abusive or into pornography, etc. Where are the men who live up to what they say they are?

I can appreciate all you have been through and how frustrating it is. I also agree with you about the confusion of men who say they are practicing Catholics but have emotional problems, show immaturity or arrogance, are verbally/physically abusive, or are addicted to pornography. Women, of course, have their "problems", too. There are definitely good men out there, though they seem hard to find. I think it is something much more than just Mr. or Ms. Right. There are so many potentially great spouses out there (men and women) who just aren't quite there yet (and may not know it), and whose potential is overlooked due to their so-called "issues".

The bottom line is that both men and women need to be working hard on themselves by God's grace to lead a single-minded, consistent, balanced life. This means that we rid ourselves of living dual lives (dream world vs. real world), of contradictions in the way we live our lives, of any excesses or extremes, of all things that are occasions of sin or distracting to our call to holiness, and from all excuses for why we are not what or who we should be before God and before others. We have to stop having a disordered existence. Our Christian call includes an ordered life, both internally and externally. It is a life of Christ's peace. St. Augustine said that peace is the tranquility of order. I love that he used that word "tranquility". And to apply that word to "order" seems kind of strange at first. But it makes perfect sense. An ordered life is freedom. And that freedom is peace; the peace that comes from Christ. Therefore, despite what is happening around us, we have a consistent tranquility because our lives are ordered always in the direction of Christ through the way we live our lives. So if any aspect of our life is disordered, Christ's peace does not reside with us.

I believe that a person who will make a good spouse is an ordered person, not a disordered person. And if he or she has some disorders, then knowing that and seeking order also makes them great potential spouses, because knowing your disorders and working on them is the sign of walking with the Lord.

But you don't hear men and women talking about the concept of an ordered life when they are dating or seeking their future spouse. But they should. Disorder is all around us, and modern society seems to be hell-bent on helping people become disordered (and making money off of that, of course). But we can't blame everything on society. Grown men and women should be able to know right and wrong, and have the capacity to make good choices for themselves and (if married) for their children. And if we also claim to be Christians, then we should be people of prayer and a sacramental life, which will provide us the Holy Spirit and grace to be able to see through these things that can lead to a disordered life. Finally, we should be people who work on knowing ourselves so that we understand the things we cannot do or partake in that can lead to disorder.

I know that sexual pleasure plays a major role in this disordered life I am speaking of. You seem to be a woman seeking to be a Proverbs 31 wife in a world of men that want a sexually casual and active girlfriend to hang out with. Sex seems to no longer mean responsibility for future children, but pure pleasure. And approaching dating no longer means a path to service of another in self-donation for the other's sake in the sacred institution of marriage, but selfishness and "What do I get out of this?"

You need a man who seeks the scriptural outline of a husband and who works on being virtuous. I know they seem hard to find, but they are out there. Just try not to overlook the ones that have potential, even if they are not quite there yet. I firmly believe that there are many "diamonds in the rough" out there. These are men who are substantially "good" but have strong influences from the world (many times without knowing it) and who have weak wills, and when they give in to temptation with a woman or try to be forward or pushy, could very readily be "led" by the woman into realizing they are wrong about this approach, and then subsequently reform. Basically, the gentle woman who takes a stand but is willing to forget about what the man tried to do could win his heart by her generosity. Again, I am talking about men who are not too far gone. Those addicted to sex or pornography or who have serious emotional or mental issues are not marriage material, nor should they be dating. But many men can honestly "slip up". If they are forgiven, gently handled and allowed another chance, that has great power to change a man and edify him toward the woman who does that. She is proving to be a great woman (and this kind of woman is rare).

So keep hope alive and persevere. The man you seek is out there. Don't let the "Mr. Wrongs" get you down. Pray for them. It will give you more strength and fill your heart with more charity and trust for men. Don't be surprised by these failures in men. And don't be too quick to dismiss every man who does something stupid or foolish as being Mr. Wrong. Men do stupid things. So men need a woman who can see the good in them and support and encourage that. They are attracted to a gentle woman whose strength is in her power to forgive when she has a right to cut off. Men also need a woman who can challenge them to be better than we think we are, without coming down hard or holding it over on them, especially at the moments they are not very impressive. That gentle leadership by a good woman helps men to take over the leadership role and never look back.

Dear Anthony,

After a slow start on Ave Maria Singles, I’m now somewhat overwhelmed with corresponding with several women at once. It’s hard for me to turn anyone away. I don’t want to spread myself too thin, yet I don’t want to lose an opportunity with a new person either. How many would you say is too many to be writing to at the same time?

Great question. I'm glad you are having this problem :-) It's certainly better than no correspondences. I'm glad you are being conscientious about this situation. You definitely don't want to make anyone feel hurt or bad.

Regarding how many to write to at one time, my answer is to dialogue with as many as you can handle. I am a strong advocate of putting yourself out there to interact with as many single persons as you can in order to discover (and it IS a discovering process) the person you want to focus your efforts on toward seriousness. It might happen that you start narrowing down those you take more effort with, until you finally get to the point where there is one person you want to devote your entire attention to. Then, once you are in a "serious" relationship (which means you are exclusive), you enter "courtship" (which is the process of moving toward engagement to be married by discovering if there is any reason you should NOT marry this person).

I guess that does not answer your question exactly. That is because it is different for each person. Some people just can't handle writing to more than one person at a time. For some, it will be two or three. Then there are those who are so dedicated to the process of finding someone that they invest a lot of time in corresponding with many, many people and narrow it down as rapidly as possible. But this anxiousness can backfire. So many men take the inappropriate (and self-destructive) route of copying and pasting some very short, insincere, generic note that women can spot right away and are turned off by. For example: "Hi, saw your profile, write me if you want," or something like that. It is critical that your initial contacts makes sense if you are going to write to many people. If you plan to write something like I just gave as an example, then don't bother writing at all. No one (especially women) likes getting an initial contact from someone that shows no evidence of even reading their profile. It is a turnoff and will get you nowhere, as well as waste your time.

A great initial contact is at least a good paragraph or two that shares something about what you liked about their profile as well as something about yourself. For women who don't like initiating a contact, their strategy is to briefly share something she liked about his profile and leave it at that. A man knows what to do with that. If he doesn't, then he is not for her. At any rate, keeping dialogue with several or many members is challenging. But unless it can be done in a way that shows real interest and sincerity (and not like you are saying the same thing to everyone), then it can't be very effective. In other words, every message to someone should be customized to that person. Everyone, especially a woman, needs to feel unique and special. After all, the person you marry has to be someone who stands out above the rest. A well-written message will go a long way in making someone feel that way, and help with the chances of finding the person you are praying for.

This is the nature of meeting someone online. It's a lot of work, so it has to be carefully done, and you have to choose how many you write to at a practical level so this level of attention and customization can be maintained. It's hard to do this in person specifically because once in person, you are automatically at a more intimate level and you are dealing your time that demands more of the "physical presence". Until you meet people in person (which should be the goal of anyone you start writing to), you just keep writing to people who seem interesting and trying to discover who you more inclined to want to meet in person.

It should not take more than a month or two to meet someone in person. Otherwise, you risk wasting your time and the other person's time with endless written dialogue. Once you start meeting people in person, you realistically cannot manage more than one to three people at a time.

As for what to say to those you are no longer interested in, again, this is the nature of meeting someone online. Everyone has to know that everyone else is doing the same kind of scrutinizing in their searches and decisions about corresponding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "I think you are very interesting, but it would not be fair to you if I wrote any further because I am writing to a few people now. I would like to see where they lead. But if they do not lead anywhere, it would be an honor to correspond with you. I hope you understand. I will pray for you. Please pray for me." I'm sure many members will agree that just getting any reply at all would be an improvement. So writing some reply is great, but writing something like this is even better.

Anyone who does not appreciate a reply like that is not cut out for online dating. They should just do what they can to meet people offline wherever they can. It takes thick skin and a real commitment to the process in order to have success with online dating. It is not right for people to take anything "personally". No one is deliberately out to get anyone else. They just want to meet the one person they are praying for toward marriage. At the same time, you (and others) should not feel bad about having to tell members you do not have the capability of writing. No need to say "not interested." Rather, say you would be interested in writing if you were not doing so with others, and will be open to doing so if circumstances change.

Dear Anthony,

I’m in my 40s and recently met two very different women that I’m interested in. One is from South America and is great-looking, though I have reservations about cultural differences. The other is here in the U.S. but not quite as appealing to me. I’m not sure which one to focus on. Do you think the cultural differences would present a problem?

Cultural differences, language, and the visa thing are big. The U.S. is really cracking down on this. You are going to find yourself in a long haul with trying to get this woman into the country and settle down with you. How many more years do you want to be NOT ONLY single, but also without children? If it were me, I would look harder at the American girl.

I really hate to see men get caught up in great looks, I'm glad to see you are not easily taken in by that, but I'm sure you are somewhat, just like every other guy. You have to work very hard at avoiding the great-looks desire. A good-looking woman is "good enough". Great looks will not last in a woman. My advice is avoid it as a major thing. I know many men who are attracted to the exotic looks of foreign women, or who believe foreign women are more "feminine" than American women.

Regarding the U.S. woman, be VERY "open minded" and welcoming in attitude with her. If you go into it looking for flaws or negatives, you will surely find them. That includes physical flaws. The better approach is to take is to watch for anything that you absolutely could NOT get past for a lifetime, and those things should be based on what is "essential", NOT preferable. No one is going to come along that satisfies your every desire. Is she a good woman who will make a good wife and mother? Are you attracted to her physically enough (it does not have to be blissfully right away, because that can happen as you fall in love over time)? Does she believe the teachings of the Church and seek to practice them (a desire to become a saint and get to heaven)? Is she kind and forgiving? Does she seem easy to get along with (not a high-maintenance type of person)? Is she a consistent person (does not change into someone else when around certain people and then back again when alone with you — this one is tested around family and friends)? And as for anything physical about her you find to be flawed or unattractive, first look in the mirror (not just your face, but your whole body) and consider that someone has to accept your physical flaws as well. It will help you stay humble. This goes for your own personality and behavior flaws as well. Consider them first, and it will help you to NOT be so quick to discount her (or any woman, for that matter).

You need to go into meeting women with the realization that they will fail you in moments because they are NOT your savior, nor are they responsible for your complete happiness. You are looking the person you want to "DECIDE" to give yourself to in order to make HER happy and the children that are given to you. That is the meaning of your vocation to marry. Now, if you are a wise person in making your choice, you will make sure you learn enough to know that she is a person who understands that this is her calling to you as well. That way you won't be stuck with someone that you have to do all the giving for, and get nothing in return.

Everything else can pretty much be worked out (hobbies, interests, personality traits, baggage from the past, bad habits, moments of weakness, etc.).

The institution of Holy Matrimony is a very "practical" vocation. It is not primarily about romance and attraction. It is about being "suitable" for marriage and being "evenly yoked" for the purposes of marriage that God has designed. You want someone you can really share your life with, and yourself with. To consider beauty primarily is to condemn yourself to a near future that is empty due to problems you never foresaw that have to do with fleeting looks and cultural barriers, or anything else that got swept under the rug during the consideration and decision process.

God is looking for men and women who are ready to give up their self-centered concerns for the role of self-donation and giving, who will be open to life, who will make their decision a permanent one for life, and who will be totally faithful to that one person in mind and body and heart, as well as be focused on the care and needs of the other and the children before themselves. People who want to bear fruit for God's glory and the population of heaven and earth. People who see love as a giving to another, not a wanting to get from another.

This all points back to the U.S. woman, or women like her, being the wiser investment of your time and efforts rather than foreign women. I realize men are looking for certain qualities in women that they seem to feel they are NOT finding in American women. Perhaps that is something American women need to learn about men and make changes accordingly. But men are also deceiving themselves in thinking that foreign women are more humble, and quiet, and holy, and willing to dote over their man's every need, and modest in dress, and don't care about large age differences, and are more physically attractive (in an exotic sort of way). I have been to many South American countries and I can tell you firsthand that secularism, consumerism, and materialism have all entered into those societies and are affecting the Catholics there as well. Just as in America, not ALL are affected. But the dream world that these women are somehow less tainted is just not true. The problems in men and women are worldwide. I think it is better to stick with your own territory and what is most familiar to you. It gives you much better chance of success in marriage. There are men who successfully meet and marry a foreign woman from Central or South America, or the Philippines, or a place like that (we are not here talking about British or Australian and the like), so I don't want to sound "absolute". But I do think there are many, many Catholic men out there who are looking at these other countries for a woman because they have found American women they have met (even Catholics) to be unattractive in their "ways", and that affects their ability to be attracted to them physically. But again, I think in a lot of cases, they are not looking at the big picture. Culture, language, and many other factors do make a difference in the long run. It is best not to allow yourself to be easily "turned off" by women in the U.S. because of a "dream" of how it might be with a foreign woman.

It all stems back to this problem of men desiring finding a woman who will make them perfectly happy, which is the selfish approach to finding a wife. Accept that there will be shortcomings and issues, and you can more easily accept a woman in America, faults and all. But at least it will be much more familiar to you, and probably less expensive :-) There is more to say on this issue, as there are many deep aspects to it, but I will end it here.

Dear Anthony,

I am in my 50s and was corresponding with a man in his 60s. He eventually revealed that he was hoping to find someone in her 30s so he that he could raise a family. I was quite surprised that he thought such an age difference was realistic — I know I don’t. What are your thoughts?

Yes, I know this is confusing for women to experience, and I believe you have the right position. A man in his 60's has little to no chance of getting a woman in her 30's to marry him. Stats prove this, and I have had enough women tell me it is "creepy" to hear from a man 15+ years older to know that this man is wasting his time. And to maintain a hope of naturally fathering children at that age is probably ridiculous, and certainly foolish. He's just not thinking of the big picture, and lacks consideration for anyone but himself. It also could be a sign of arrogance to think that God continues to ask him to put off considering a good woman like yourself of his age group because God wants him to father children.
I hate to say this, but I am praying that he is just giving you "a line" to make it easier on you instead of just coming out and saying "I'm not interested," because the alternative is just not an alternative in my mind (which is that he really believes he will find a much younger woman to marry him and give him children). And I am talking about "Catholic" women here. Perhaps there are "gold digger"-type Catholic women out there who will welcome such a union for the purpose of inheriting a bundle of money once he is dead (10 to 20 years at the most might seem like a good investment to some 32-year-old women), but gold diggers don't tend to want to be "mothers" of the children of men that much older. And this is all assuming he is a rich man, which I am doubting.

Passing up a women of his age in hopes of a younger woman of child-bearing years is delusional. How much time does he really think he has left to live in this world, let alone to wait for this woman to come along? His delusion will very likely take him to the end of his life having never enjoyed the companionship and love and devotion of a good woman like yourself who, though you cannot give him natural children, could give him happiness like he has never experienced, and give HIM the opportunity to live the vocation God called him to, which is to serve. I am always amazed that there are some people out there who look happiness straight in the eye and pass on it.

Sad to say, what you are experiencing is a very common problem with Catholic men today. And no Catholic man has come forward to challenge me on this position. The bottom line: many single Catholic men today are making very bad decisions about whom they are looking for, and they are making no decisions at all, when they should be. They seek fantasy and idealism, but have no sense of the practical nature of their call to marriage. Thus, they keep getting older and remain unmarried because the fantasy and idealistic desire continues to fool them into thinking it is just around the corner. And their lack of decision to marry is, in fact, a decision. The decision is "I will not serve anyone", "I would rather be to myself".

In the meantime, the women ready to give a man love and devotion (and children) are getting older, too, and they are not getting asked out or a proposal of marriage. And babies are not being conceived and born that should be. It crushes my heart to encounter so many women who are approaching an age (or have reached it) where they can no longer conceive children, when they were very ready to marry and have a family, but live in a time when men just don't make decisions or commitments in marriage. It's extremely sad.

Dear Anthony,

I’m not really photogenic and am somewhat overweight, so I haven’t had much luck so far on Ave Maria Singles. It seems many men are interested only in good-looking women and not what’s inside. But I don’t find the opposite to be true — women generally are more accepting of a man’s looks. Would you agree?

I certainly understand your position and have heard it from many members. I do admit there is a large problem with men and the whole “looks” thing. Some of it is understandable, and some of it is not.
 
We live in a time when men and women are fooled into the distraction of looks masked under the term “chemistry”. They say “chemistry” but they really mean physical attraction. To be clear, I am NOT against physical attraction at all. But as I shared in my discussion group on our recent Caribbean cruise, MOST people will experience love under three key conditions: (1) time, (2) proximity, and (3) familiarity.
 
Very few people have the “love at first sight” experience. And to believe that you will “know” in the first few minutes (or even seconds, as I have sometimes heard supposed “experts” say) is to hurt yourself and your opportunities for true love, not to mention undermine the mystery of love from the perspective of God’s intervention.
 
Love, for many, will come in time. So there must be an openness to be dedicated to investing “time” in a person before determining if they are someone you might end up marrying. Take time to meet more than once, but in fact a few times at least. Take time to get to know a person. Take time to see that person in many situations. Take time to see that person with their friends and family. It does not take much “time” to know if this is a person you want to invest more time in, but if you don’t give it some “time”, you may be prematurely ending something that might have turned into true love.
 
With this investment of time comes “proximity” because you are with the person physically. This implies you cannot ever know anything “for sure” about a person until you are spending time with them in person, not on the phone or by email. Email is a great way to write nice letters and get to know someone. The phone is wonderful for interacting with that person, but being in proximity (time in person) is the only way to get to the point of saying that you are or are not interested in spending more time with that person.
 
With more time and proximity comes “familiarity”. Obviously, the more time you spend in proximity with someone, the more familiar with them you become. And familiarity can make love happen where it was not happening before. That is exactly why good friends of the opposite sex often (much more often than people know or will admit) become interested in more than just being friends (or at least one of them does, which can cause a friendship to naturally end). This is also why I do not believe men and women can be very close or best friends. You marry your best friend, you don’t just ever stay close friends. And when best friends of the opposite sex do not marry each other but, rather, marry someone else, they can no longer remain friends. Why? Because the spouse of your close friend will not take kindly to his or her spouse having someone close to him or her (maybe even closer) than he or she is.
 
Time, proximity, and familiarity. These are the key ingredients to how most true love is formed. It is false deception of the devil to trick people into believing they should try to choose people they will correspond with on Ave Maria Singles (or any singles site), or to judge from just looking at a photo or determining the physical attraction of another person from a distance that this person might be someone you would eventually marry or not. It’s absurd! Every person has something about them that is interesting, and you just never know whom you might end up being really attracted to, not because of their body or model-like face, but because of the way they laugh, or their eyes when they talk, or the way they conduct themselves, or their voice, or their virtues in action, or a multiplicity of other things.
 
Sure, we all have a general idea of our “type”, but I assure you that there are too many examples of people coming together about whom others who know them would say, “What did they ever see in each other?” or that they, themselves, have said that they did not have attraction to AT FIRST!
 
It is precisely because of that “at first” reality that men and women (especially men) should not allow themselves to be too quick to discount persons just from looking at them, or from reading their age or weight or whatever. Marriage is so much more than looks. And love is such a mystery that we should never think we would know love when we first see it. It is a mystery precisely because so many who experience true love have had it happen to them in time, proximity, and familiarity first! This is why you hear of men who run off with their secretaries. Is it because the secretary is so drop-dead gorgeous that he just “had” to do it? No. It is because he spends more “time” with her than with his own wife, he is in “proximity” to her often, and of the “familiarity” he experiences with her over time. He falsely comes to believe he is in love with his secretary. Perhaps he is. But his marriage is a promise for life, and he has a duty to give his availability only to his wife.
 
And this is my final point. Marriage is about two people coming together in something more noble and sacred than themselves. Marriage is a covenant, a promise, that two people decide of their own free will to do before God that promises fidelity, permanence, and openness to children (or for older persons, the parental role exercised in some other way, like adoption, helping raise the children of siblings, helping with the children of the parish, etc.). That kind of love is so much more than looks. It is a vocational love. A love that gives, and does not seek to receive. A love that has purpose that glorifies God, not a love that satisfies the self.
 
The bottom line is that we are all on this earth for a very short time. Do we want to spend most of that time loving a good, lovable, attractive person of God (maybe not drop-dead gorgeous, but attractive in many endearing ways), or do we want to waste most of the time looking for someone that we want so much, based on our checklists and selfish desires and what movies, magazines, etc., say are the ideal “looks” of someone we want to love but who will never come into our lives?
 
Some people think I am saying to “settle” on a loveless marriage just to be in marriage. Yes, I am saying to settle, but not in the ways they assume. By “settle” I mean to “settle” on a good man or woman (much like the Scriptures describe to us), and not be so narrow-minded on a great or perfect-looking person. Settle on a good, virtuous, kind, giving person with a great smile and sense of humor. Someone who can make your life full of many moments of happiness, joy, peace, and grace; not be so shortsighted as to make physical attraction primary when those looks decline more quickly than you realize. Open your eyes to the mystery of love in the persons that come into your life who come from God and from whom you can choose the one that you get closest to in friendship (best friends) and who makes you say, “I cannot see my life without this person”; not passing up those people (who come into our path from God, which all people in our daily lives do) in the name of assuming someone will come along who you think will be even better.

Dear Anthony,
 
I've been dating a man for quite some time and our relationship is getting serious. I'm wondering if I need to be concerned about our sexual compatibility. What if we discover after marrying that one of us has a low sex drive and the other has a high sex drive? Would such a difference affect our happiness as a married couple?
 
Sexual tension is a huge reason why people get married. It is typically a good sign that you want to be with each other overall. Those who have sex before marriage have wasted the opportunity to know if there is “real love” there, because the sexual desire that is controlled before marriage helps prove true love. If there is sex before marriage, then you can never really know what is love and what is not.

Anyway, since you are not having any sexual expression, I would guess you both have a strong sense of wanting to be together overall. My question would be, at this point, what is keeping you from getting married? Is there still really anything to determine? The sexual fulfillment AFTER marriage thing is not appropriate to consider. We are social beings who have sex to express our love. We are not sexual beings who have sex to express who we really are. And marriage is certainly not about “getting”, it is about “giving”. If two “giving” people come together in marriage, the sexual expression in marriage will be beautiful no matter what happens. If one of the two has a “strong” sex drive, there may be some counseling needed for that person, or at least a good spiritual director to help that person get through. It is NOT that the one with less drive should step up, but rather that the one with the stronger drive needs to step down, or calm down (as the case may be).

Sex in marriage should be mutual and loving and tender. It does NOT necessarily mean it has to be overly passionate or erotic. Those can be distortions of true married love. There will be times when the sexual expression is very passionate. But there will also be times when it is not so passionate, when it is quick, or even when it is one-sided as to who is interested. God willing, no matter what, it is very beautiful in its gentleness and tenderness. A strong sex drive should not mean enslavement or “need”. That would be unhealthy. A healthy sense of a strong sex drive is that you desire to be close to the spouse. The “wild sex” notion typically attributed to strong sex drive is not for Christians. That is something for people who have become distorted, and something distorted perhaps that the media has portrayed.
 
Again, there will be passionate times, but you be amazed how much of married sexual intimacy is not genital. Smiling eyes, flirting, holding hands, an affectionate touch or hug, etc. It is arguable that these moments are the most sexual part of marriage and the aspects of sexuality that lead to the deeper relationship. Genital sex is very often the end result of all that buildup. And it does not have to have anything to do with “drive”.
 
It is also important to point out that most of married life is NOT spent in genital sexual activity, so there should not be much stock put into the “performance” aspect of sex in marriage. It just does not happen that much. So best to make sure you are married to someone you can have a conversation with and enjoy everyday life with, above the sexual drive toward that person. That is a surefire way to get disappointed, and then it trickles into all aspects of a perfectly good marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. Sexual expression in marriage is not only important, it is critical. But I think sometimes people think that the strong impulse and much passion expression is the true expression of love. No. True love seeks to serve, and that includes the bedroom. If the person you are serving in marriage does not want the level of sexual expression you want, then love dictates that you subdue personal desire and enjoy what the other wants.

But if you are hoping the spouse will do the same for you (namely, wanting to serve your needs), that is not the right attitude either. As a spouse, you are not only seeking to serve the other, but you are also seeking help the spouse not be put in a position they are uncomfortable with. In other words, you cannot expect your spouse to step up and serve your needs in a way they are incapable of or not comfortable with.

I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that you should talk about this with the man you’re seeing if it is a major thing to you. Talk now so that whichever of you has the strong sex drive, that person will have shared this information and give the other an opportunity to consider if this is something that could make or break the marriage. You don’t want to be going into the marriage without full disclosure about things that matter to each of you. That is just a time bomb waiting to go off. But when unforeseen things come up or happen in marriage (which they most certainly do), you cannot say, “This is not what I signed up for” and give any thought to ending it. No, you must stay and fulfill your duty. And there is always a way to find joy in the decision to love for a lifetime.

When we "want", we suffer. When we "serve", we have peace and joy.

Dear Anthony,
 
I just met with someone I have been writing to on Ave Maria Singles and I just was not attracted to him. But he is very nice and has great qualities. I guess I was expecting to be more attracted to him than I am. If it’s not there, meeting again doesn’t make sense, right?

Just to be clear, I am assuming you mean “physically” attracted to him, because it sounds like you have a lot of attraction for him because of the great qualities you suggested you find in him. So it is possible to be very attracted to a person that you have no “physical” attraction to.
 
And therein lies the dilemma of the modern single person, including Catholics. Everyone wants to marry a person who has it all: great personality, good character, wonderful qualities, and (of course) great-looking! It is the “great-looking” part that has so many Catholics concerned.

On one hand, they want to believe that they are not so shallow as to need a great- looking person when it should be what is inside a person that matters most. On the other hand, there is something unexplainable but very real that is inside them that will resist moving toward intimacy if they just don’t feel a strong attraction to them physically.
 
Ultimately, you have to be physically attracted to the person you marry. And frankly, this is actually the primary way God designed how marriages take place and babies come into the world. What I am referring to is the use of our sexual gifts. God has brilliantly designed us so that we would desire a member of the opposite sex and that desire would provide a natural movement toward intimacy that will lead to conception of babies and the bonding of the two persons engaging in those physical- union experiences. The brilliance of this design is that He knew that if we did not have the “desire” or “passion” as part of the sexual experience, then people would not do it and babies would not be conceived. He also brilliantly commanded that a man leave his father and mother and cling to his “WIFE” and the two shall become one flesh. In other words, his plan is that mankind marry and bond permanently and indissolubly in order to lawfully ACT on our sexual desires and passions.
 
Our sexuality is very much connected to our whole person, not just the inside. In fact, it is a very “sacramental principle” to be attracted to another person sexually. Just because a person is a strong practicing Catholic does not mean you could marry them. There is more to it than religious conviction. Just as the Sacraments and Sacramentals use externals to draw us toward an inner and hidden mystery, so it is with how two people come together toward the intimacy of close friendship, and ultimately in marriage.
 
The person you marry will be one person who has come along in your life that becomes someone you desire to know better and have a deeper relationship with. It is a person about whom you one day say, “I cannot imagine living my life without that person in it.” Physical attraction plays a major role in that mystery of how two people come together in marriage, because there is a desire to want to be physically close to that person (i.e., sexual desire). That movement is what should make two people contact the local pastor of their church and make wedding plans.
 
Now the tricky part. Should you have this physical attraction immediately for you to know whether to continue seeing a person or not? The answer is no. In fact, many people do not have physical attraction kick in until the other attractive aspects of the person turn into something that makes you more attracted. In other words, spending time with a person is how deeper attraction grows, and that deeper attraction of the person’s qualities that are within and displayed in personality and character can spark (because of the mystery of love that comes from God) a physical attraction that was not there before.
 
Call it an “unveiling”. Everyone in a relationship (especially the woman) wants to feel like they are unique, special, one-of-a-kind. And when intimacy takes place (close friendship), this is in fact what happens. And for a man and a woman, becoming close friends naturally leads to a desire for more. But again, that desire for more often times is an awakening; a realization of something you did not know before; recognition of something you did not see before. The heart moves and speaks, and the eyes open to mystery that goes beyond mere material physical attributes. The physical attraction is now there. And it is unique to the two individuals.
 
That is what is so hard about objective physical beauty. How do they know when someone is “really and truly” interested in who they are, not just what they look like? It can be a real curse to be objectively beautiful. I have had solid Catholic women who are very gorgeous tell me heartbreaking stories of their difficulties finding true love.
 
And it makes sense. A gorgeous woman is attractive to “every” guy. So what? What does that tell her? What does that tell the guys? Only that nature is working. But it tells nothing of the mystery of love.
 
Attraction toward marriage is about a unique experience of two people for each other that does not desire an ending, but rather longs for what is next. Time tests this, and a mind open to people who come in our life that God sends is imperative. In addition, the prayerful work of dismantling any distorted approach we have to physical attraction is needed for many. Too many single people, especially men, have too dangerous of a tendency to make physical objective beauty the benchmark of their determination of another. This is a mistake!
 
So many have been surprised by love in their life with a person they came to discover they long to be with, and that the mystery of love’s movements stirring in the heart over time caused them to have physical attraction that perhaps was not there, or was not as strong as they would have liked.
 
Time is the answer. Give people “time” before you make a final conclusion about attraction. You might be surprised whom you discover is really in your midst. Your vocation to marriage may very well depend on this cautious approach to love.

Dear Anthony,

I purchased the Road to Cana DVD to help me discern whether marriage is my vocation, and I was surprised by the episode on "What Men and Women Want" (part 2) regarding a woman giving up her career if she married. You advised that many women share this view. I have found nothing in Church law to support this choice. Is this something expected of a Catholic or did I misunderstand?

No, there certainly is nothing in "Church law" that says a woman "must" give up her career when marrying. That would be absurd, actually. However, many, many, many good Catholic women very much want to be stay-at-home moms and raise their own children, and take care of their family. There is a lot of work involved in tending to a home and family, and raising children. The women who are in careers are very open to leaving their careers for this very noble life of working from home, focused on the family. That is a very traditional role for women, and many Catholic women want to adopt this life when they are married. Men sometimes misunderstand a woman who has a career as being someone who wants to have both a career and a family. It is no crime to want this, or to do it after marriage and having children. But it is common knowledge (regardless of it not being Church law) that a stay-at-home wife/mother makes for a solid family structure and goes a long way toward keeping a family stable and safeguarding against divorce. But most of all, there is plenty of evidence that the children become much better and balanced adults when they have had a mother at home to bring stability and love to the home.