Dear Anthony,

I’ve been in regular contact with a man in writing and on the phone for a couple of months. When I mentioned to him that we should plan to meet in person, he said he has so much going on in his life right now that he doesn’t want to add to it by setting up a time to meet me. I’m at a loss. Am I right to be concerned?

You are absolutely right to be concerned. Men who do this make women feel as if they are doing the woman a favor. That is not good! Doesn’t it make sense that a man should make a woman feel he is interested in her? Of course it does. Does indicating that he has a lot going on in his life make a woman feel as if he is interested in her? Of course not. So you have done enough, and have gone as far as you need to in order to know if this particular man has interest in you. The least he could have done is say how much he would enjoy meeting you in person as he states any facts about his being too busy to do it at this time. He has clearly said to you that he has better things to do than to meet you in person, so it’s time to move on.

Women have a tendency of making the mistake of doing nothing when a man behaves like this. It is understandable why. It is hard to let go of someone you really like, or say something that might risk him cutting things off. But that should not deter a woman from doing what she needs to do. It does not help to allow a man to procrastinate meeting her in person. It actually harms the relationship, and both parties. So it’s best to do what needs to be done anyway. It might cause you some pain to do this, but my suggestion is to contact him and say something like the following:


Dear [what’s his name],

I have enjoyed our conversations by writing and phone, and was hoping to get to know you more through meeting in person. However, you don’t indicate you are interested in meeting me in person, and I don’t want to feel uneasy about an undetermined time in the future when and if this might happen, so I feel I have to end things with us and move on. I know you said you were busy, and I can appreciate that. But you have not shown interest in meeting, so I have to believe this is not too important to you. I am seeking a husband and don’t want to waste time. It seems right to me that the next step for us is to meet in person. I’m sorry things did not work out. If you change your mind and are ready to visit me in person, I would be open to that. Otherwise, I am not interested in further communication. I hope you can appreciate that I feel it is best for both of us to invest our time wisely, and for me that means only with men who show interest in meeting in person after a short period of writing and talking by phone.

Sincerely,

[your name]


This kind of note says what needs to be said without accusing or sounding bitter. And you definitely need to make it definitive-sounding so the man knows clearly that this is it. You have to indicate it’s over and you don’t want to communicate again unless he is taking the next step. Does that make sense?

Again, this can be a hard thing to do for a woman, especially when she really likes the man and it seems that things are going well otherwise. But I assure you, it is well worth determining now rather than later whether he is really interested in you or not. And God will bless you for taking such a step in the name of your vocation. That blessing may come in the form of this man being inspired by your action to take that next step and meet you, or it might come in the form of a better man coming along soon after. Either way, the certain blessing is peace of mind and heart from God that you did the right thing, regardless of the outcome.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I take exception to the assumption you make in your column "The Call to Marriage" that there is only a calling to the priesthood and that marriage is a default position. This point of view is valid only for someone who has never lost hope in either the possibility of love or the sacrament of marriage. Those who have no good role models for marriage and who view marriage as temporary and always ending in separation or divorce because of examples set by parents, relatives, or friends, do in fact get a “call” to be married. My view of marriage for many years was that it does not work. I had lost any hope that I would have a lasting marriage and had simply decided I would not get married. After returning to the Church I began to get this call indicating that my assumptions about marriage were wrong. A divorced coworker, commenting on my attitude toward marriage, said I should try it, it might not turn out the way his did. I am getting a distinct "calling" that my abandonment of hope for a permanent marriage is not warranted. Marriage as a default position may hold for the small percentage of young adults who come from stable families with good role models, but for average young adults (and even older ones like me) who see long-term marriage as rare, and have few good role models, God does indeed call to tell them there is a chance for something different in their flawed concept of marriage.

Thank you for taking the time to share this. I can appreciate your position. But you are definitely coming from a different perspective than I was. The points and observations you make about marriage are very good and important. But they are from the perspective of marriage as it is NOT meant to be. In other words, you are citing things about marriage based on the failure of human beings at trying to make marriage work.

My position was an objective sense of vocation and of marriage. Just because human beings fail at marriage does not mean they were not called to be married. And my point is that the majority of human beings born into this world are supposed to be married. Marriage is practical. It has as its main purpose the bringing forth of children into this world and educating them to be the persons they were created to be, as well as leading them to know, love, and serve God. Marriage is practical for helping two people develop as better individual persons through the love and dedication they have to the other person. Marriage also prevents things that go against the nature of a human being, like loneliness, lack of purpose, sexual urges, and the need to give and share love. So a mutual care of the spouses is a main purpose to marriage.

Because marriage is practical, and because it involves two human beings in the promises of marriage, there is never, ever a "perfect" marriage. In fact, people fail at being a good spouse or parent all the time. So marriage does not guarantee there will be no problems, nor does it guarantee that the children brought forth in the marriage will always have the best example during their development. The beauty of the sacramental nature of marriage is also the only guarantee of marriage; namely, that God Himself will be part of the marriage and provide the grace to make the marriage work. And despite the imperfection of the two individuals as spouses or parents, God can still bring about good and healing and anything else necessary to ensure ultimately that each person of any family will get to heaven if they seek Him and walk with Him.

Too many people today are expecting too much of a prospective spouse, which stems from an ideological approach to marriage instead of a practical approach. In other words, people are looking for guarantees. They want a guarantee they will always be happy in their marriage; a guarantee their marriage will never end; a guarantee they are marrying the right person; a guarantee that things will always get better and never worse. The expectations that people put on the person they are dating or married to is dangerous because it puts marriage at risk in two ways: (1) that when marriage takes place, the pressures put on each other due to the high expectations make it almost a certainty the marriage either will not survive or will be rocky; and (2) that a marriage might not take place at all due to the "cold feet" brought about from these high expectations weighing on the mind to the point of never making an act of the will.

Marriage is a risk. Those who avoid it are risk-averse. They would rather never be married than risk any level of unhappiness or even ending up with a divorce. What they really lack is faith. And I don't mean only faith in the sense of things always working out. I mean also faith in the sense of when things don't go as we hope, and God still is there and working things out. We all want to take a leap of faith if we know it's all going to work out, but we hesitate if we feel it might not work out.

So I would like to see more people look at marriage not as a calling to be discerned, but the path to always prepare for and work at following unless a call to NOT be married happens, and exercise their call that all human beings share to become saints and to be mothers and fathers, whether it is through their natural children (which most will have) or through being motherly or fatherly toward children in other situations (as aunts and uncles to the children of siblings, as teachers, in the parish community, organizations for young people, etc.).

Because of all the failed marriages a person observes throughout their life, it can make a person become "turned off" to marriage, and thus psychologically cripple their ability to make the commitment to one person in marriage. But that does NOT mean the person is not called to marriage, nor that they don't still have a duty to get into marriage despite their fears.

I am all for people NOT marrying who are not capable of fulfilling the marriage commitment. These scars of the past, or other commitment issues, render a person not yet capable of entering into marriage. But that does not mean they are not called to marriage. Therefore, they should be working hard to do whatever it takes to heal and come to a resolution of their problems so that they are capable of marriage. But many do not do this. They choose to remain in their state of incapability of marriage and observe the world around them with blame and accusation, and use these as an excuse for their decision to not make a commitment to one person in marriage.

This is all a long-winded way of saying that your duty to your vocation to marriage depends, right now, on your taking action to resolve your personal issues with marriage, get healthy so you are capable of making the free-will act of marriage to one person, and then getting on with finding a suitable partner to marry. But please, do yourself, your future spouse, and marriage itself a favor and do NOT seek to marry just to "give it a try", as your coworker so loosely suggested. To "try" implies an intention to quit should it not work out. We don't want people "trying" marriage. We want them intending to make and keep their commitments, and making a decision. It is a decision based on the effort to determine as far as possible that both people love each other and believe they should make the commitment to marriage. It is also based, hopefully, on careful efforts to know each other as persons, as well as addressing any issues of the past or that make sense for ensuring the marriage will have two people moving in the same direction together. This is all very different from giving it a try. If you cannot get your issues about marriage resolved and healed and become healthy about marriage, then, though you are called to marriage (which you likely are), you should remain single.

I would guess your coworker meant to say "try it" in order to encourage you not to fear making a commitment to someone who will make a suitable partner, nor to fear it not working out. Obviously, your coworker took the risk of marriage and it did not work out for him. We cannot judge his situation. But despite all the best efforts and intentions, some marriages do not work out, whether it is two people remaining together and not being as happy as they would like to be, or a separation or divorce taking place. We all know these things happen, but they are never what was intended. No one goes into a marriage expecting it to be unhappy or to fail. But it certainly will be unhappy or fail if we are only giving it a try, or relying on the other person to take care of the main needs of the marriage.

For marriage to work, there MUST be a 100% individual effort by both spouses to love the other, and to continue improving themselves. At the same time, there must be a profound inclusion of God in the equation. Without God, it is impossible.

Sadly, many who want to be married do not get married, whether at all or later than they had hoped. That is another problem with the "call" aspect of marriage. It seems like a cruel thing for God to call a person to marriage and not provide the person to marry. God cannot force two people to make an act of the will to consent to marriage. So there are marriages that do not take place that should have, but one of the persons did not make the decision for whatever reason. So marriage-minded persons end up remaining unmarried. However, no person can escape their call to parenthood, even the single person. Single men and women can exercise this in their life by being a good uncle or aunt to their sibling's children, or helping with the children in their parish, etc. God did not intend any person to spend their life exempt from helping others (especially children) get to Heaven. Everyone might not be able to be married, but all can help children in some way.

Let us both pray to God that you get past this attitude you have about marriage and focus on what are the real issues you must overcome. I hope this has helped you with some points to start with as you approach God in prayer.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Do you have any advice for a dating couple with a difference in past sexual experiences? (I have had none; my boyfriend has had some.) In Patricia Wrona’s book The Exclamation, she writes that it is better if a couple is equally yoked, i.e., both virgins rather than one virgin and one very experienced. I agree with her that it shouldn’t be a deal breaker, but it is awkward. Also, it bothers me that in conversation my boyfriend occasionally mentions the name of someone from his past sexual experiences.

Sexual experiences in a person’s past are never a “deal breaker” at first knowing this. What matters is how a person has dealt with their promiscuous past. I have covered this and similar issues previously on my blog.

I think a virgin has every right to desire marrying another virgin. They are just getting so scarce, however, that I worry that a person will miss out on or postpone their vocation (which is the higher good) because of this desire. If a virgin is willing to take the risk, then by all means they should seek another virgin.

As for bringing up in conversation a person from the past by name (especially one they have had sex with), that is wrong. In fact, it is impolite and even rude to do so. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t know any better. So you need to share with him that you are uncomfortable with his bringing up these women by name in your conversations. It’s just not necessary for him to do so. If he feels it is important to do so, he first needs to explain why. If his answer seems reasonable to you, then let him do it, but just once to get it out of his system, and never again. There just is no practical reason to do so. If he persists, then this is a red flag that there are other issues he needs to deal with. If he is dealing with them appropriately (i.e., working on it with a spiritual director, getting professional counseling, etc.), then that is a good sign. If he is just dealing with them within himself, that’s dangerous. So be sure you ask him questions directed at how he is dealing with his sexual past. The last thing you want is to go into marriage with anyone who still has unhealthy issues from their sexual past.

I am praying for you every day.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I’m dating a man who’s great in every way but he happens to be deeply in debt (not through his own fault), and he is working on becoming debt-free before marriage. I’m a bit concerned about his situation and wondered if you have any thoughts.

I believe this man is taking his financial situation too seriously. Everyone has some money issues of one kind or another. There are many, many people who have happy marriages and have financial struggles. Money should NEVER get in the way of love. In fact, it is love that will help a person get through their problems of any kind. I strongly suggest that you both get serious DESPITE the debt or money struggles. But you need to show incredible support for him personally, and trust with him financially. When a man is not happy in his work or is out of work, it really makes him sink inside. So a good woman will be there to tell him it is okay, she loves him, she believes in him, she is praying for him, and she knows it will all work out. He then should respond with strength and courage. If he does not, then he is sinning. Jesus does not want us to allow any problems to weigh us down to the point of losing ourselves and affecting the people around us. That would be a sin because it is a sin of pride (to believe we should have ultimate control over our situation). As long as he is doing something about it and doing what he can, he should be admired. No one is guaranteed financial security in this life. But the gift of love of two people to each other is immeasurable and solid and constant, and gets two people through anything.

So he needs to NOT let finances stop him from pursuing you towards marriage, and you need to NOT fear any financial struggles or going into marriage with debt. I know that there are so-called "experts" out there (even Catholic ones) who tell us that you should be debt-free going into marriage, but that is a gross error. There is debt that is a part of life, and there is debt that is a result of bad behavior and decisions. Your concern should be if his debt is a result of any bad character issues about him. It sounds like that is not the case. His debt sounds like a result of misfortune beyond his control. It sounds like he is not at risk of sending you into any further or unreasonable debt. If you agree, then there is no reason not to proceed with him.

I don't want to see people make a big mistake regarding their vocation over financial issues. I admire anyone who wants to get his "act" together before marrying someone, but there are some things that cannot be used as an excuse to wait. I think in your situation, the finances are an excuse, and not a good reason to wait. If two people are in a relationship, they have an obligation to allow love to grow and take it to its natural conclusion. Postponing should be done only for grave reasons.

That is my opinion. Take it for what it is worth.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I’m a member of Ave Maria Singles. I initiated contact with another member and he replied that the long distance between us was a problem for him, but to feel free to correspond. I replied that I try not to make distance an issue and encouraged him to do the same. I don’t know if he is really interested or just being polite. What do you think? I’m not looking for a pen pal.

No need to overcomplicate this. If a man is interested, he is going to pursue. This man is not going to pursue you. His leaving it open for you to still contact him means that he is not trying to cut you off if you still just want to write. But he is not interested. My advice is to move on and not contact him again. You said your piece, and were right to do so (saying you have a different opinion on the matter of long distance). But again, men don't let opportunities go. If he was interested in you, he would not make distance an issue and he would continue writing to you.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I am in a relationship with a man who is about to enter the military, and I will be leaving for graduate school. Do you think it would be wise for us to remain together during the next three years if we won’t be getting married until after that? Or would it be better for us to break up and get back together when we are able to marry?

It sounds to me like neither of you is serious about marriage at this time. If you believe you are meant to be together in marriage, perhaps you should be considering getting married before he leaves. But you should NOT consider this unless you are ready to conceive a child. Therefore, you would have to be ready to put aside going to graduate school. Breaking up with the intention of getting back together once he returns is not in the spirit of Catholic courtship. You both owe it to God and to each other, because of what God has begun in you both, to take the relationship forward, not backward. Breaking up should be done only if there is good reason why it will not work out, and with the intention of not getting back together. Obviously, if two people find their way to each other again after breaking up, that is another matter. But your motives seems to be to break up for no reason, even while things are going well.

Many good couples and marriages have had to deal with the challenges of long distance and time in between seeing each other. If you both have a vocation to marriage, it is always my opinion to seek to get into it sooner rather than later. His being in the military and having to leave for duty is a good reason why you two need to be apart, but there is no reason not to get married before he leaves if you believe that is what God wants you to do and you love each other. However, if you feel it is more practical to remain unmarried until he returns and you want to wait for him, then that is fine, too. If you really want to go to graduate school and that is more important than getting married soon and possibly getting pregnant while your husband goes away for military duty, then that says a lot as well.

I guess what I am saying here is, have you considered getting married and taking things as they come? If you have and you determined that is too risky, then obviously you will not get married before he leaves, nor before you finish graduate school. The next question is, "Am I willing to wait for him and for us to get married, and not date anyone else?" If you are willing to do this, then you don't break up and you wait the three years to plan your marriage.

I don't think breaking up is an option because you don't seem to have a good reason to do so. As long as you are going to graduate school, you are not available for marriage, so why date anyone else? People who date need to be open to marrying when the relationship gets to that point. Catholics are not people who break up with another person just because it seems convenient, and especially not when there is nothing wrong with the relationship. You would live to regret breaking up, I believe.

So my advice is to choose to get married before he leaves, or make a commitment to each other to be engaged to be married and do so after he returns and you are done with graduate school. Either of these is beautiful, and very Catholic. Both show a decision to make a commitment. Again, this is all assuming you both love each other and have no real reason to break up (from a marriage point of view). In other words, have either of you determined the other is not for you when it comes to a future spouse? If the answer is no, then do not break up. Hang on. Build your relationship long-distance and over time. Or get married. Either way, keep making those commitment moves.

Dear Anthony,

I am a single practicing Catholic in my early twenties and feel lonely, depressed, and rejected. I have always been a gentleman, acting kind and chivalrous to the ladies I’ve met, but I can’t find anyone who could be suitable potential spouse. Is it because I’m too kind and chivalrous? Do I have to have the image of a "bad boy" so that ladies will notice me?

Thank you for sharing these frustrations, and I certainly understand them very well. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so very hard to be ready for your vocation but not able to find the right person to make that commitment with. I know what you mean about feeling that you should be something you are not, namely, having that "bad boy" image. I think you are right that for many women this is attractive. The sad thing, however, is that this is NOT what they really want for love and marriage. They are just attracted to it because these "wrong" men have certain key qualities that women want in a man. The biggest one is confidence. These men tend to be very confident. They are not afraid to approach a woman, and they know how to flatter a woman, compliment a woman, and flirt with a woman. A confident man makes a woman feel secure. Sadly, these "wrong" men do not offer real security but rather a false sense of it. What a good Catholic woman really wants, but many don't seem to realize it, is a man like you who is a gentleman, kind and chivalrous. The adage that "nice guys finish last" does not seem to be too far off.

I think if Catholic men were not afraid to loosen up a bit more, display a confidence in themselves and a fearlessness about approaching a woman, then it would compliment their qualities as gentlemen and being chivalrous. Catholic men need to know how to make a woman feel special through flattery and flirtation. However, it must also be sincere so as not to lead a woman on, as these "wrong" men do. They should never be just "lines" said to make the woman react. They should always be sincere and have truth behind them. A woman ultimately wants to feel unique and special. But confidence in a man and his ability to show leadership is the first step for women, typically.

I want to encourage you that there is great reason for hope. You are still young, so you have plenty of time to keep working at finding that suitable partner you are praying for. And by all means, do not give up being a gentleman. I assume you are also a strong Catholic man in your faith, too. These are all very important qualities in a man, and there are certainly many women out there who are seeking that.

The problem might be that the women in your age group tend to not really be open to their vocation at this point in their lives. Some say that they are, but they really are not, based on how they are living their lives. So many are not really "available", but they still want to date. Just because someone is open to going on a date does not mean she is open to love and marriage. It's hard to tell who is open and who is not at the younger ages.

I really think this is where online dating plays a major role in today's world. With a trustworthy online dating site like Ave Maria Singles, you can have access to many women and know so much about who they are and who they are seeking before you ever make an initial contact. Then, once you communicate with them, you can tell even better where they stand and how available they are. Those who approach online dating correctly tend to have success finding a suitable partner and they have no regrets about all that it took to have the happiness they enjoy now.

If you are really ready to make a commitment to a good Catholic woman and get into your vocation, I think online dating is going to help you a great deal. Obviously, I cannot promise you will meet someone and get married, but your opportunities will be much more plentiful. And the women on a Catholic site like ours are absolutely looking for a gentleman who is kind and chivalrous. Consider attending our trips or retreats as well. What an opportunity it is to meet solid Catholic women (and there always seem to be more women than men on our trips) in person and in a spiritual and chaste environment. You can see what trips and events are coming up by going to the AMS home page; they are listed at the top.

I hope this helps. Please stay close to Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament and to Our Lady. Persevere. Keep moving forward. Don't despair. And by all means, do NOT allow these understandable negative feelings you are having tempt you to become a person who is not a healthy prospect for sacramental marriage.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I'm trying to work on correcting all my flaws so that I'll be a worthy spouse for my future husband. Do you think I'm being too idealistic?

Putting off marriage until you feel you have your flaws overcome is a mistake. And it is an even bigger mistake to expect that in another person you consider for marriage. It's nice to know what the ideals of marriage are and strive for them, but marriage is a vocation to find your own sanctification in while serving the other person despite what they may do. It's about bring new life into the world and mutual love of the spouses. The bringing new life part is not as demanding as the mutual love part. In other words, it is very hard work, and takes a lifetime, to keep looking out for the best interests of your spouse and maintain a love for them that is self-sacrificing. But it is these two things that fashion us personally for Heaven through this vocation.

But what if it doesn't work out as you hoped or planned? You do your very best to find someone who wants to work on themselves and sees marital love as a giving, not a taking, and then you marry the person, despite all their faults. Everyone has faults and flaws and imperfections. Some never come out until you are in the marriage. So one can never see marriage as a "right" to personal happiness that "must" come from the person you marry. And ultimately, if it is not going as you hoped or planned, you can't just end it and move on. It is for life.

Marriage is a challenge of two people trying to live together and compromise, and even to accept what seems to be something "unacceptable". It can be a Calvary in many ways. As I often say, marriage is about hurting each other for a lifetime. So you had better marry someone who knows how to forgive and ask forgiveness, and who believes in God and that there is a Heaven and that their getting to Heaven is dependent upon the decisions they make in this life.

True marital love is about seeking the good of the other. Too many people seek to find the person who will make them happy. It's natural. We all want to be happy. But we have to be careful about how serious we are about "being" happy, and how willing we are to invest our lives in making someone else happy. After all, only God can make us happy in the way people seek in another. So happiness in being where God wants us to be and with whom we have chosen to be is more critical.

This is all a roundabout way of saying to you that you should stop waiting until your flaws are overcome, or seeking someone who has overcome his flaws. God loves a decision-maker and He showers people of action with graces and blessings. To not act on your vocation while waiting for everything to be made right is to deny God the very process he created (i.e., vocation) to help us overcome what is negative about us and prepare us for Heaven. A very flawed person can have the capacity to offer their life as a "gift" to another in marriage and make another happy, if that other person will accept them. That means it is possible for two heavily flawed people to have a happy life together simply by living the life of "gift" to each other, primarily through the gift of a forgiving heart when things are not going so well.

Again, love and marriage can be very romantic and have all those wonderful feelings people hope to have. Some are very fortunate to have a marriage that is truly full of bliss most of the time. No marriage is without its problems. But some marriages do seem to have an exceptional degree of affection and romance, on top of the self-sacrificial actions of each. However, no one can ever "expect" that, nor should they ever feel they have a "right" to it.

And it would be a horrible error for people to say that a marriage of two people who are so affectionate and romantically in love with each other is the "better" marriage. This is not a contest. And the salvation of individual souls is a very personal thing. Who can say that the person who is suffering in a loveless marriage is not really and truly married? God allows and gives to each what they can handle and what is good for them. A seemingly unhappy marriage could be just what was needed for those persons. So two people who live a married life in struggle but always displaying the love that comes in the form of forgiveness and compromise, even if the marriage has many problems, can have a truly blessed and beautiful marriage; not in the way the world says it should be, but certainly in the way God expects it to be. And yes, those persons can even be "happy" despite the problem-ridden marriage.

I applaud you for recognizing that you have flaws and imperfections, and are considerate to not want to impose your imperfect self on another person. Too many people never consider their own flaws and imperfections yet want to find someone who has no problems and who will always make them happy. But your imperfect self is a perfect candidate for marriage; that wonderful institution that guarantees you will need to work on your faults and issues and imperfections as you work hard to live with another human being (and human beings once children come) and they with you. It is the living of marriage that exposes what is really wrong with us, and then demands we work on ourselves in order to best be of service in the vocation. And it is the accepting of another person’s faults for a lifetime that helps us grow in virtue and holiness. Those called to marriage have a unique opportunity to live charity and love, and also confront themselves at every level.

Too often people believe another person is the "wrong" person because of reasons that have more to do with personal preference than capacity to make a good spouse. Yes, everyone wants to meet someone who melts their heart and excites their every emotion. But that is NOT a requirement for a good marriage. There is nothing wrong with a person trying to find an ideal, but at some point the person has to say that perhaps the ideal is not for them and they have to have a more practical approach to being open to someone. Does that mean marry someone you don't love? No! Love is a requirement. But again, too many have a false sense of love. They think, "Is this person making me happy?" instead of starting by saying, "Is this a person I can make happy?"

So don't let your flaws cause you to shy away from being open to acting on marriage. Your flaws are the path to sanctity for the fortunate man who will marry you. If he is smart, he will know how flawed he is and be honored that you are willing to love him despite them, and he will love you, flaws and all. Work on your flaws. But I guarantee you there are more flaws you don't even know about that will not show themselves until you are living marriage. And such is the life of marital love: two people always growing, always changing, always having to deal with new challenges of each other. Flaws and failures in marriage ensure that each person remains humble and dependent on God, lest they believe this other person is the first love of their life instead the God who created us to love.

So many love to quote St. Augustine, and for good reason: "Our hearts were made for Thee, O God, and they will not rest until they rest in Thee."

I am praying for you every day.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I'm 18 and unlike many others my age, I want to marry and be a stay-at-home mom. I'm wondering if attending college while looking for my future husband would be a good idea. What are your thoughts? I'm also considering joining Ave Maria Singles.

It is perfectly fine to attend college while being seriously open to meeting your future spouse. Education can only help, not hurt. Attending college also helps you become more interesting. Also, traditionally, college is a prime place that a young person actually meets their future spouse. I am told that back in the day, it was a main reason a woman went to college (to meet a husband). Though times have changed and women attend college for many other good reasons, being open to meeting someone while in college is highly recommended. Of course, make sure it is a good Catholic boy (especially if you are attending a non-Catholic college). What college you attend does make a difference regarding your opportunities to meet strong, devout Catholic men. You definitely don't want to lose your Catholic faith if you are easily influenced by your peers and you attend a college where you could not find support for your Catholic faith nor anyone else to grow in it with. So by all means, do NOT avoid college just because you know you want to be married. But choose a good Catholic college if you want to increase your chances of meeting a good man.

Obviously, you can also meet good Catholic men without going to college. It is perfectly plausible to dedicate your time to working and making yourself available for dating men, falling in love, and getting married. My wife did not attend college. She absolutely always wanted to be married, a wife and mother, and took this approach of working and being available full-time to date. It has its advantages.

I think the key, whether you are going to college or not, is to be available and make it a strategy to be available to meet your future spouse. Too many young people don't make themselves "open" during their 20s, and college just passes them by without their realizing they just blew a key opportunity to meet their future spouse, or their 20s just blow by and they were not open enough to allow love to find them. So it really has to be a priority to be "open", and work at being open (if need be, since it does not come naturally to some).

Regardless of how you decide about college, if you are ready for marriage and desire to make that commitment at this point in your life, by all means join our site and be open. Once you join, you may be contacted by older men. Just remember that you are anonymous until you give out your personal information. So don't feel the least bit put out if you have to tell a member you are not interested (we have a "Not Interested" button that helps make it easier). Everyone on the site is actively seeking to meet the right person, so it makes sense you will run into some who are NOT the right person. Don't take anything personally, either. This is a process and God is right there with you. Just be open to meeting someone wherever he is, persevere, have patience, and keep active. These are the keys to success. God will do the rest.

Dear Anthony,

I have been corresponding with a man who has eight children from his previous marriage. I'm not used to having to give consideration to more than just the man alone. How do I take this many children into account in my discernment process?

For me, it is a no-brainer. If he is a good man and you are attracted to him in a way that you could see yourself with him, then God will give you every grace for strength and generosity of heart to accept the children as well. And I'm sure you will be blessed in ways you would never have dreamed, and all the fear of the unknown dissipated.

I just witnessed a similar situation of one our AMS members on one of our retreats. There was a man there who told us about a woman he was considering marrying. The woman had eight children and that concerned him. But he said that the retreat helped him be totally resolved that she was the one, and that he was going home to ask her to marry him. For him (as could be the case for you), there was a tremendous opportunity to have a family that otherwise he was not likely to have (due to them both being in their 40s).

So if you have love to give and faith to share, why not consider the eight children as well? I know that is a tough concept to digest right away (having an "instant" family), but someone has to love that man in marriage, and someone has to be the mother of those children. Why not you? I have seven children of my own and I can really imagine what this man you are seeing must be going through when he considers any woman who might be interested in him. He is probably a little concerned that the women will be scared off by the number of children he has. And many probably are. But for some reason, you are not. And that is a sign to you (and to him) that this could be "doable".

Your question sounds to me like you are just looking for confirmation that it is okay to be open to establishing a deeper relationship with a man who has eight children. I want to confirm with you that your being open to it is a great thing. Perhaps it won't work out, but I'm sure that it won't be because of the children. In fact, it might very well be that things that might not have otherwise worked out WILL work out now that you are involved with the children as well as with him as you consider marriage. Just a thought. I think it is wonderful that you are open to this. Stay focused on love and faith and generosity of life. Our Lady will guide you and God will bless you abundantly, no matter how it works out.