This 2010 snow blizzard stuff is for the birds! The kids love getting the snow in the winter here in Virginia, but this is ridiculous. Even the kids can’t go out when there is 2+ feet of snow. It’s beautiful and all, but it’s hard work to deal with. And this last Sunday, we had to miss Mass, and that is always a negative. So we just sat around the living room and read the readings of the day. It’s not the same.

I still can remember the readings of two Sundays ago (Fourth Sunday in Ordinary Time). The second reading was St. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, and you know that it strikes a nerve with everyone, because it is a reminder of what true love really is, according to St. Paul. Of course, for those who are married, this reading is a confrontation because it can't help but accuse you of failing at the love that is required with dealing with your spouse. For those who are dating, St. Paul's outline of what love is and what love is not should be a kind of benchmark in helping determine if the person is fit for marriage. Often this kind of love St. Paul describes is easier before marriage. Love is tested much more intensely after marriage. So for single people, the best you can do is make sure you get into enough situations where you can test if love is true, and go from there.

Let's take a moment to outline love according to St. Paul:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

This is not good news for us, because when it comes to our love of others, we all fail. And worse than failing is excusing ourselves for failing because “we are only human.” I really have a distaste for that saying, because it undermines our configuration into Jesus at Baptism that made us adopted children of God. We most certainly are NOT “only human” anymore. We share the divine life through our Baptism into Christ. Thus, we are configured to love. So technically, it is much more unnatural for us to fail at love. We are called to love, because we are called to be a witness of Jesus' love in the world.

Love is patient. I have heard it said that no one gets into heaven without patience. I believe that. And it makes me thank God for Purgatory, because patience is pretty hard for me. Yet we can grow more patient every day, and God gives us a lifetime to grow in patience through our interaction with others. Perhaps it is the number one purpose of marriage and having children; namely, to help us become patient. God knows how much the virtue of patience is needed when you are married and have children.

Love is kind. Ah, kindness. If only people were more kind! I think most of us consider ourselves to be kind people. We don't look to hurt others, and we try to help. But to be truly kind is more than this. Peter Kreeft, in his book “The God Who Loves You”, said, “kindness is the desire to relieve or prevent another's suffering, but love is the willing of another's good. Both are unselfish, but love aims higher and farther.” Desire to relieve and prevent another’s suffering. That’s hard enough. Add to it the “willing” of another’s good. Love’s kindness is an act of the will, regardless of feeling, to see to it that good is imparted on another. Kindness seeks to make another's life easier, especially in the face of their sins and failures. Jesus is not impressed that we can love those who love us back or who are easily and naturally lovable. But He is very impressed at our love for our enemy, and those who want to harm us. Showing an enemy kindness is unnatural. It takes the power of God (grace), who IS love, to show kindness at moments when it does not come easily.

For a married person, to have a kind word for your spouse instead of a harsh word goes a longer way. To be kind to that spouse when they have failed you or sinned against you, or harmed you in some way, is a very powerful thing. But it is no easy thing. But to will it is a sign of Jesus with you, because when we are hurt, the last thing we want to do is be kind to that person.

Love bears, believes, hopes, endures all things. Love never fails. Okay, now this is impossible, right? We fail at love. It’s a mathematical certainty. So who can really love? We can’t. Only God can love. And with God, all things are possible. Love is a very Godly thing. And the love we seek to have for ourselves is really something only God can give. Unless we embrace that with maturity, we are not going to have success in our relationships with others, and certainly not in marriage. Because men fail. We fail to love our spouses simply because we have our moments. Moments of impatience and moments of unkindness. Only a spouse who does not recover, nor is ever sorry, nor knows how to forgive or ask forgiveness, or who perpetuates their ways is not interested in love. That kind of spouse can do serious damage to the spouse who does love.

And this is where we come to what I believe is the most important part to understand about St. Paul’s thoughts on love. He says, "When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things."

Why does he say this right after the profound outline about love? He is indicating here that love is a sign of maturity; of being a man or woman (an adult). Children are self-absorbed! To be childish is to be selfish, which is a definition of immaturity. To be only concerned with self. Look at what he points out about what love is not: jealous, pompous, inflated, rude, seeking own interests, rejoicing over wrongdoing. These are childish things! Because children care only for their own interests, and in their selfishness, it can be very damaging toward others if they are allowed to get away with bad character traits and actions.

Have you noticed a rising trend among adults to continue behaving like children? This is the most dangerous creature that can be unleashed into society (especially the society of marriage); namely, an adult who does not grow up! Not only are many adults NOT putting away childish things, they are taking on more, and calling it recreation and entertainment, pastimes, outlets, etc. Any excuse possible to keep the childishness perpetuating.

What a danger it is to the society of love called marriage when two children, or one adult and one child, marry. Childishness is a marriage killer, because it is selfishness given license to do as it pleases. It is not true love in action, and love has no fertile ground to develop.

People wonder why there are so many divorces today. It is no mystery. Marriage is an institution requiring true love. Childish attitudes and behavior are the reality of many adult human beings entering into marriage. They take the emotions that indicate some kind of love and they enter marriage thinking that’s all it takes. But then all kinds of childish behavior become a way of life and disorder the marriage relationship.

Men and women who want to be married or who are married need to take inventory of themselves regarding their childish habits, and work to rid themselves of them by God’s grace. Women are beating men verbally with their over sense of expectations, or trivializing their interests, or making them feel useless or like their work is not good enough. Men are using women as sex objects, or verbally abusing them with no respect for them as a person, or working unreasonable hours, leaving them to be overburdened with house and children and loneliness, or playing video games or other recreations while neglecting their family, or involved in all kinds of sports or other hobbies outside of the home. Both are being selfish, impatient, unkind, jealous, rude, disrespectful, self-absorbed, etc.

In a word, they lack the capability of unconditional love, that which wills the good of the other. That’s what love is. That is the love that solidifies and dignifies marriage. It is only possible if we love God and truly seek change through a life of grace. And it takes practice. MUCH practice! May we all take St. Paul’s advice and get to work putting aside our childish ways, and taking mature steps toward being an adult, which means being a responsible person who loves and seeks to serve. If you want the privilege of being a married person, practice love that is not self-seeking, but that is selfless and desires the happiness of the other. That will be your own happiness.

May we all love as we are called to love. Time to grow up, and keep growing up! Love needs you! Marriage needs you! God needs you!

Dear Anthony,

I’ve been in regular contact with a man in writing and on the phone for a couple of months. When I mentioned to him that we should plan to meet in person, he said he has so much going on in his life right now that he doesn’t want to add to it by setting up a time to meet me. I’m at a loss. Am I right to be concerned?

You are absolutely right to be concerned. Men who do this make women feel as if they are doing the woman a favor. That is not good! Doesn’t it make sense that a man should make a woman feel he is interested in her? Of course it does. Does indicating that he has a lot going on in his life make a woman feel as if he is interested in her? Of course not. So you have done enough, and have gone as far as you need to in order to know if this particular man has interest in you. The least he could have done is say how much he would enjoy meeting you in person as he states any facts about his being too busy to do it at this time. He has clearly said to you that he has better things to do than to meet you in person, so it’s time to move on.

Women have a tendency of making the mistake of doing nothing when a man behaves like this. It is understandable why. It is hard to let go of someone you really like, or say something that might risk him cutting things off. But that should not deter a woman from doing what she needs to do. It does not help to allow a man to procrastinate meeting her in person. It actually harms the relationship, and both parties. So it’s best to do what needs to be done anyway. It might cause you some pain to do this, but my suggestion is to contact him and say something like the following:


Dear [what’s his name],

I have enjoyed our conversations by writing and phone, and was hoping to get to know you more through meeting in person. However, you don’t indicate you are interested in meeting me in person, and I don’t want to feel uneasy about an undetermined time in the future when and if this might happen, so I feel I have to end things with us and move on. I know you said you were busy, and I can appreciate that. But you have not shown interest in meeting, so I have to believe this is not too important to you. I am seeking a husband and don’t want to waste time. It seems right to me that the next step for us is to meet in person. I’m sorry things did not work out. If you change your mind and are ready to visit me in person, I would be open to that. Otherwise, I am not interested in further communication. I hope you can appreciate that I feel it is best for both of us to invest our time wisely, and for me that means only with men who show interest in meeting in person after a short period of writing and talking by phone.

Sincerely,

[your name]


This kind of note says what needs to be said without accusing or sounding bitter. And you definitely need to make it definitive-sounding so the man knows clearly that this is it. You have to indicate it’s over and you don’t want to communicate again unless he is taking the next step. Does that make sense?

Again, this can be a hard thing to do for a woman, especially when she really likes the man and it seems that things are going well otherwise. But I assure you, it is well worth determining now rather than later whether he is really interested in you or not. And God will bless you for taking such a step in the name of your vocation. That blessing may come in the form of this man being inspired by your action to take that next step and meet you, or it might come in the form of a better man coming along soon after. Either way, the certain blessing is peace of mind and heart from God that you did the right thing, regardless of the outcome.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Do you have any advice for a dating couple with a difference in past sexual experiences? (I have had none; my boyfriend has had some.) In Patricia Wrona’s book The Exclamation, she writes that it is better if a couple is equally yoked, i.e., both virgins rather than one virgin and one very experienced. I agree with her that it shouldn’t be a deal breaker, but it is awkward. Also, it bothers me that in conversation my boyfriend occasionally mentions the name of someone from his past sexual experiences.

Sexual experiences in a person’s past are never a “deal breaker” at first knowing this. What matters is how a person has dealt with their promiscuous past. I have covered this and similar issues previously on my blog.

I think a virgin has every right to desire marrying another virgin. They are just getting so scarce, however, that I worry that a person will miss out on or postpone their vocation (which is the higher good) because of this desire. If a virgin is willing to take the risk, then by all means they should seek another virgin.

As for bringing up in conversation a person from the past by name (especially one they have had sex with), that is wrong. In fact, it is impolite and even rude to do so. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t know any better. So you need to share with him that you are uncomfortable with his bringing up these women by name in your conversations. It’s just not necessary for him to do so. If he feels it is important to do so, he first needs to explain why. If his answer seems reasonable to you, then let him do it, but just once to get it out of his system, and never again. There just is no practical reason to do so. If he persists, then this is a red flag that there are other issues he needs to deal with. If he is dealing with them appropriately (i.e., working on it with a spiritual director, getting professional counseling, etc.), then that is a good sign. If he is just dealing with them within himself, that’s dangerous. So be sure you ask him questions directed at how he is dealing with his sexual past. The last thing you want is to go into marriage with anyone who still has unhealthy issues from their sexual past.

I am praying for you every day.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I’m dating a man who’s great in every way but he happens to be deeply in debt (not through his own fault), and he is working on becoming debt-free before marriage. I’m a bit concerned about his situation and wondered if you have any thoughts.

I believe this man is taking his financial situation too seriously. Everyone has some money issues of one kind or another. There are many, many people who have happy marriages and have financial struggles. Money should NEVER get in the way of love. In fact, it is love that will help a person get through their problems of any kind. I strongly suggest that you both get serious DESPITE the debt or money struggles. But you need to show incredible support for him personally, and trust with him financially. When a man is not happy in his work or is out of work, it really makes him sink inside. So a good woman will be there to tell him it is okay, she loves him, she believes in him, she is praying for him, and she knows it will all work out. He then should respond with strength and courage. If he does not, then he is sinning. Jesus does not want us to allow any problems to weigh us down to the point of losing ourselves and affecting the people around us. That would be a sin because it is a sin of pride (to believe we should have ultimate control over our situation). As long as he is doing something about it and doing what he can, he should be admired. No one is guaranteed financial security in this life. But the gift of love of two people to each other is immeasurable and solid and constant, and gets two people through anything.

So he needs to NOT let finances stop him from pursuing you towards marriage, and you need to NOT fear any financial struggles or going into marriage with debt. I know that there are so-called "experts" out there (even Catholic ones) who tell us that you should be debt-free going into marriage, but that is a gross error. There is debt that is a part of life, and there is debt that is a result of bad behavior and decisions. Your concern should be if his debt is a result of any bad character issues about him. It sounds like that is not the case. His debt sounds like a result of misfortune beyond his control. It sounds like he is not at risk of sending you into any further or unreasonable debt. If you agree, then there is no reason not to proceed with him.

I don't want to see people make a big mistake regarding their vocation over financial issues. I admire anyone who wants to get his "act" together before marrying someone, but there are some things that cannot be used as an excuse to wait. I think in your situation, the finances are an excuse, and not a good reason to wait. If two people are in a relationship, they have an obligation to allow love to grow and take it to its natural conclusion. Postponing should be done only for grave reasons.

That is my opinion. Take it for what it is worth.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I am in a relationship with a man who is about to enter the military, and I will be leaving for graduate school. Do you think it would be wise for us to remain together during the next three years if we won’t be getting married until after that? Or would it be better for us to break up and get back together when we are able to marry?

It sounds to me like neither of you is serious about marriage at this time. If you believe you are meant to be together in marriage, perhaps you should be considering getting married before he leaves. But you should NOT consider this unless you are ready to conceive a child. Therefore, you would have to be ready to put aside going to graduate school. Breaking up with the intention of getting back together once he returns is not in the spirit of Catholic courtship. You both owe it to God and to each other, because of what God has begun in you both, to take the relationship forward, not backward. Breaking up should be done only if there is good reason why it will not work out, and with the intention of not getting back together. Obviously, if two people find their way to each other again after breaking up, that is another matter. But your motives seems to be to break up for no reason, even while things are going well.

Many good couples and marriages have had to deal with the challenges of long distance and time in between seeing each other. If you both have a vocation to marriage, it is always my opinion to seek to get into it sooner rather than later. His being in the military and having to leave for duty is a good reason why you two need to be apart, but there is no reason not to get married before he leaves if you believe that is what God wants you to do and you love each other. However, if you feel it is more practical to remain unmarried until he returns and you want to wait for him, then that is fine, too. If you really want to go to graduate school and that is more important than getting married soon and possibly getting pregnant while your husband goes away for military duty, then that says a lot as well.

I guess what I am saying here is, have you considered getting married and taking things as they come? If you have and you determined that is too risky, then obviously you will not get married before he leaves, nor before you finish graduate school. The next question is, "Am I willing to wait for him and for us to get married, and not date anyone else?" If you are willing to do this, then you don't break up and you wait the three years to plan your marriage.

I don't think breaking up is an option because you don't seem to have a good reason to do so. As long as you are going to graduate school, you are not available for marriage, so why date anyone else? People who date need to be open to marrying when the relationship gets to that point. Catholics are not people who break up with another person just because it seems convenient, and especially not when there is nothing wrong with the relationship. You would live to regret breaking up, I believe.

So my advice is to choose to get married before he leaves, or make a commitment to each other to be engaged to be married and do so after he returns and you are done with graduate school. Either of these is beautiful, and very Catholic. Both show a decision to make a commitment. Again, this is all assuming you both love each other and have no real reason to break up (from a marriage point of view). In other words, have either of you determined the other is not for you when it comes to a future spouse? If the answer is no, then do not break up. Hang on. Build your relationship long-distance and over time. Or get married. Either way, keep making those commitment moves.

Dear Anthony,

I am a single practicing Catholic in my early twenties and feel lonely, depressed, and rejected. I have always been a gentleman, acting kind and chivalrous to the ladies I’ve met, but I can’t find anyone who could be suitable potential spouse. Is it because I’m too kind and chivalrous? Do I have to have the image of a "bad boy" so that ladies will notice me?

Thank you for sharing these frustrations, and I certainly understand them very well. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so very hard to be ready for your vocation but not able to find the right person to make that commitment with. I know what you mean about feeling that you should be something you are not, namely, having that "bad boy" image. I think you are right that for many women this is attractive. The sad thing, however, is that this is NOT what they really want for love and marriage. They are just attracted to it because these "wrong" men have certain key qualities that women want in a man. The biggest one is confidence. These men tend to be very confident. They are not afraid to approach a woman, and they know how to flatter a woman, compliment a woman, and flirt with a woman. A confident man makes a woman feel secure. Sadly, these "wrong" men do not offer real security but rather a false sense of it. What a good Catholic woman really wants, but many don't seem to realize it, is a man like you who is a gentleman, kind and chivalrous. The adage that "nice guys finish last" does not seem to be too far off.

I think if Catholic men were not afraid to loosen up a bit more, display a confidence in themselves and a fearlessness about approaching a woman, then it would compliment their qualities as gentlemen and being chivalrous. Catholic men need to know how to make a woman feel special through flattery and flirtation. However, it must also be sincere so as not to lead a woman on, as these "wrong" men do. They should never be just "lines" said to make the woman react. They should always be sincere and have truth behind them. A woman ultimately wants to feel unique and special. But confidence in a man and his ability to show leadership is the first step for women, typically.

I want to encourage you that there is great reason for hope. You are still young, so you have plenty of time to keep working at finding that suitable partner you are praying for. And by all means, do not give up being a gentleman. I assume you are also a strong Catholic man in your faith, too. These are all very important qualities in a man, and there are certainly many women out there who are seeking that.

The problem might be that the women in your age group tend to not really be open to their vocation at this point in their lives. Some say that they are, but they really are not, based on how they are living their lives. So many are not really "available", but they still want to date. Just because someone is open to going on a date does not mean she is open to love and marriage. It's hard to tell who is open and who is not at the younger ages.

I really think this is where online dating plays a major role in today's world. With a trustworthy online dating site like Ave Maria Singles, you can have access to many women and know so much about who they are and who they are seeking before you ever make an initial contact. Then, once you communicate with them, you can tell even better where they stand and how available they are. Those who approach online dating correctly tend to have success finding a suitable partner and they have no regrets about all that it took to have the happiness they enjoy now.

If you are really ready to make a commitment to a good Catholic woman and get into your vocation, I think online dating is going to help you a great deal. Obviously, I cannot promise you will meet someone and get married, but your opportunities will be much more plentiful. And the women on a Catholic site like ours are absolutely looking for a gentleman who is kind and chivalrous. Consider attending our trips or retreats as well. What an opportunity it is to meet solid Catholic women (and there always seem to be more women than men on our trips) in person and in a spiritual and chaste environment. You can see what trips and events are coming up by going to the AMS home page; they are listed at the top.

I hope this helps. Please stay close to Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament and to Our Lady. Persevere. Keep moving forward. Don't despair. And by all means, do NOT allow these understandable negative feelings you are having tempt you to become a person who is not a healthy prospect for sacramental marriage.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony

Women have an uncanny ability to make friends and be a friend. A good way to put it is that women are, by nature, inclined to care. Specifically, women care about people. They intuitively are capable of entering into the inner reality of human beings. This makes them capable of friendship.

It does not surprise anyone that women make friends with other women so easily. They show interest in each other. They enjoy the sharing of personal information. They pursue with sincerity knowing more about the person behind the external presentation.

Men, on the other hand, are primarily interested in the outer world. By nature, men focus on the “what” more than the “who” in life. Of course, I am not saying that men don’t have the ability to “care”. I’m only pointing out that women have an easier time at friendship than men do. Men get to know each other through actions rather than conversation. They do not sit down and start sharing what’s going on inside or their likes and dislikes. They just act, and they talk within situations, and knowledge about that man is revealed as he goes along. That is why men are much more transparent than women. You can know what a man is thinking or what he wants because he externalizes himself. Women keep things hidden inside and are hard to read externally.

Why is this so important to consider? It is because in dating relationships and in marriage, there can be an overstressing by women to have a man be their “best friend” at a level that is probably unrealistic. I’m all for friendship in courtship and marriage, but the friendship required for marriage needs to be defined and understood. It cannot be understood to mean that a woman will be getting someone she can converse with anytime she wants and about anything.

To really get to know any person, there must inevitably be spoken conversation. The reason is that you can never “really” know what someone is thinking or experiencing at the personal level, or why they did something, unless they speak about it. Actions may very well reveal truths about a person, but actions do not provide all the information about the whole person. So men do have to talk and be able to make conversation with a woman. He can’t just be too shy and not a talker at all.

By definition, a person is a being who acts. So what someone does speaks about who they are. However, as human beings, we have a fallen human nature that inclines us to sin. And, in fact, we all sin every day. Should our sinful actions be what defines us as a person? It would be unfair to do so, because everyone is entitled to the freedom to fall from grace and be forgiven and given another chance. How we recover from these falls tells much more about the person. Obviously, someone who keeps doing the same things over and over again is probably unlikely to stop doing them. So actions should be judged over time, rather than in moments.

This is the courtesy men desperately need from women today because men are more action-oriented than women. Therefore, men are prone to do more stupid things than women. Men need the benefit of the doubt from a woman if he is ever going to risk the level of friendship that women want.

Women have to understand, however, that men typically do not “need” the kind of deep friendship that women want. This is why it is important for women to have close female friendships. There are needs women have at the friendship level that should not be expected from a man. I realize that there is an ideal in modern marriage that a man and a woman be best friends, but this must not distract from the practical aspects of the vocation to marriage in the eyes of God. The two become one flesh, but not one person. There will always be two unique individual persons in a marriage, which means the personhood of both will always be developing and forming. The friendship bond in marriage provides love, security, sacrifice, and interest in the other’s good and welfare. In this friendship they cannot help but grow closer together.

But it is impossible for a man to fulfill a woman completely, nor a woman to fulfill a man completely. First and foremost, only God can completely fulfill any person. That’s a given. But also, people need other people to continue making them the whole person they are called to be. Some couples have terrible problems dealing with what the other does outside of themselves. There is a possessiveness that makes them hate when the person they are dating or married to does something without them or doesn’t tell them everything they expect to hear. They feel betrayed because they believe that true love means you do every single thing together and only share everything with just that one person. They also do not like it if anything they talk about together is shared with anyone else.

This is not what marital friendship is. Friendship does not mean possessing every single bit of information about the other, nor doing every single thing together or else love is not true or real. There are couples who do happen to have that. But many good couples have ended their relationships because they didn’t have this. And that is wrong. Women will find it difficult to find a man who desires to tell her everything and wants to do everything with her. Some men might be like that but most are not. Men definitely have to open up more to women, but women definitely have the need of a friend they can open their heart to; to talk about everything. Typically, women find this in another woman. That’s why there are so many happy marriages where each spouse has their same-sex friends. These friendships outside the couple enhance the person and make them better spouses to each other.

Women must not put so much pressure on a man to be a conversational friend they need. But men do need to talk more to women. Women need to have conversation. They need to know what’s going on inside. Many times a man does not even know himself enough inside to share himself. Women must be patient about that.

Don’t give up on a good man who defines who he is by his actions. Just because he does not talk as much as you would like does not mean he would not make a good husband and father. Make sure you have friends who make you a better person, and take that betterment and bring it faithfully into dating and marital friendship.

Every Christmas I watch the 1951 movie "Scrooge" with Alistair Sim. At the end, when Scrooge is converted, he says the wonderful line, "My dear woman, I have not taken leave of my senses, I have come to them." It's a true conversion within that implies the five senses are now ordered toward their purpose.

Like Scrooge, we all need to have a conversion, which should be ongoing throughout our lives. Our senses play a role in our conversion, and some practical thoughts on the conversion of our senses is how I would like to end this series on the senses in dating.

If we ever hope to be successful in love and marriage, we must realize our personal calling by God to authentic love, which is a self-donation to others. This is the call to become a saint because it means giving glory to God in our lives, and a keen awareness of our role to serve others. There is truly no room for self-centeredness along the path to sanctity, and certainly not in marital love. Therefore, to be successful in dating toward marriage has everything to do with how successful we are at denying ourselves and finding the joy in serving another. It sounds cold and unromantic, but this is what true love is.

We are all self-centered, and it lasts a lifetime. This is the result of original sin. But we have the grace of God at our disposal that has the power to perfect us. Life's struggle is to maintain this grace (friendship with God) that helps us to grow in holiness, and thus be effective instruments of God's love to others. Our daily life of sin leads us to more and more of a realization that we need God and cannot accomplish anything good ourselves.

Conversion means a change in our motives. Though we struggle with self-centeredness all our lives, conversion causes us to practice selfless motives in all actions. These selfless motives call the five senses to conversion in their practice so that no longer will they be used in ways that are harmful, but in ways that are holy.

Scrooge chose a self-centered existence and employed his senses to ensure his motive was satisfied. His senses did a top-notch job. His eyes never observed the goodness in people, nor the needs of others. His ears never delighted in the sounds of human association, nor heard the cries of the suffering. He did not allow himself to touch people lest he contract some disease or show some sign of affection that would be interpreted as care.

When Scrooge converts, his motives are for the good, and the senses are awakened and put to tasks they had yet to experience. His eyes now see. His ears hear. He desires to touch in caring ways. He is a true human person again, which means he is at the service of others. The senses work toward the good of this purer motive.

Dating persons who hope to be married one day must be attractive in motive. This is displayed through the senses in a major way. The senses help to display the character of a person, which is the animation of motive. Our motives cause us to act. Our character is the summation of our consistent actions (not bad moments, but consistent behavior). The Lord said, "It is what comes out of a man that defiles." How else do we bring out what is inside except through our body, the instrument of our will? For example, if what we do contradicts what we say, there is a problem. Consistently doing that causes confusion, and makes one unattractive.

Practically speaking, we must discipline our senses if we hope to use them for good and not evil; to acquire good, not useless or counterproductive knowledge. Therefore, ongoing conversion of our senses is necessary. How do we ensure this? I would suggest that the two keys to conversion of the senses are mortification and charity.

For a Christian, "mortification" has to do with a voluntary offering to God, as opposed to the acceptance of involuntary sufferings, involving the body being denied. For our purposes here, it means voluntarily denying our senses of lawful goods for a high purpose. The higher purpose is to train the senses to be in total submission to our will so as to develop healthy habits (actions that happen instinctively) that safeguard our souls. For example, maybe you deny yourself seeing certain kinds of movies in order to train the eyes not to be so accepting of violent or suggestive images when they come along involuntarily.

Mortification conditions the body to be on alert, and helps to strengthen our will. When our will is weak, our body is weak and tends to control us, instead of us controlling it. When we have a strong will, we are then able to conform our will with God's will.

The second key to conversion of the senses is the practice of charity. Authentic charity actually means giving or service to others when it hurts. "Hurts" here means that you actually feel the loss when you give. It hurts because there is a decision to do something for another that you either don't want to do, or that may take something away from you that you have a right to.

If you're hungry, it hurts to give up your sandwich to someone who forgot theirs. If you're cold, it hurts to offer your jacket or sweatshirt to someone who is shivering. If you are in a rush or were planning to do something, it hurts to give up that time to listen to a person who needs to talk to someone.

Charity demands we be ready at all times to give up our own wants and desires in order to serve an important need. But how can we recognize these needs if our senses are not trained to do so? Acts of charity involve the senses, and the more we train the senses to be involved with charitable acts, the more the senses develop habits of service, and the easier charity gets.

For dating persons, become a good listener and you can win a heart. Speak words in gentle, caring ways and you will win trust. Take care of your own body through proper eating and life habits as well as improve your prayer life, and you will be noticed as one who values working on oneself, and thus be attractive. Visit the Blessed Sacrament when you are too tired to do so and God will bless you with graces.

The reward of true charity is increasing your personhood. The more fully a person we are, the better capable we are of becoming holy and serving others, which is our universal call. As we grow in charity, we are better capable of love, thus more successful at dating and marriage.

Let us be mindful of our need to continually convert our senses. Mortification and charity facilitate this conversion. Habitual pure motives in our actions will ensure that the senses are always acting for the purposes they were created, and not to the detriment of ourselves or others.

In this installment, we cover probably the most obvious of the senses that applies to dating and marriage; namely, the sense of touch. It’s a fundamental aspect of the human experience to touch another human being. And in dating, if you have never touched the other person in a way such as holding hands, you will never get to the point of marriage. Touching is a requirement in modern dating in helping to realize love and develop the friendship level that leads to the desire to marry. I suppose it is the circumstances surrounding touch that need to be addressed.

Though we speak of being “touched” emotionally by, for example, seeing the kind act of another or hearing a moving piano performance, the “sense” of touch has to do the physical body touching or being touched, which communicates information to our mind. Touch has to do with feelings and emotions, and every human being is sensitive to touch. Though you hear of a person losing the sense of sight, hearing, smell, or taste, you never hear of the loss of the sense of touch. This is because of the skin, that amazing organ that covers the body from head to toe. It requires nothing more than contact with the skin to cause an instant response to a human being. It is, therefore, the most unique, powerful, mysterious, and useful sense of them all.

So you can say that a person can live without seeing, or hearing, or smelling, or tasting and still live a healthy, human existence, but a person cannot live without touch. Imagine, for a moment, a life with touch. Lips that kiss your face. Arms that wrap around you. A kiss or a hug are never merely a physical exchange. They “affect” in every sense of the word. They make the difference between a healthy or unhealthy existence. A gentle touch can communicate love, and as a result, we feel trust and peace and warmth. A punch in the face can communicate anger, and as a result, we feel sad, upset, frightened, etc.

The hands are the primary and most active everyday instrument of physical touch. No part of the body has the most ready access to physically touch another human being than the hands. So it is important to realize the gift of our hands to the service of God, and the power they have to communicate with people. When we reflect on the life of Jesus, His hands were instrumental in His public ministry, particularly healing. We all share in the healing ministry of the Lord simply by the use of our hands and in ordinary ways daily.

In the area of dating, love, and marriage, a man and woman who hold hands begin crossing over from being good friends to being something more. The act of holding hands is actually a non-verbal communication to the other that expresses the desire to “consume” the other. If you think about how true love is a self-donation, it literally seeks to consume and be consumed, like a fire’s flames consume that which it burns. The holding of hands signals the beginning of love’s pursuit to consume, with all its potential.

Like the other senses, the use of touch can be abused and destructive. With hearing, if music is too loud, we desire to stop the pain. In seeing something disturbing or shocking, we turn away or close our eyes. With touch, if touching happens too quickly in a relationship, the brain can get confused and not be able to interpret what is happening and cause harm.

In relationships toward marriage, knowing when and when not to touch (use of hands, kissing, etc.) is very important. Touch strongly influences intentions of love to the inner person. True love is developed and secured as touch is appropriately expressed over time. Confusion and inner chaos are experienced as touching is prematurely expressed. It not only affects the present relationship, but all relationships to follow.

The adage of “less is more” applies to touching. Those who are dating must discipline themselves with touching as to insure that a healthy relationship develops so the body can respond properly to touch and the brain can better interpret love that is developing. It is a sign of maturity, for example, that a man can not only take things slowly with the physical part of a relationship with a woman, but completely refrain from acting on feelings and desires to touch. This applies both to marriage as well as the pre-marital state. Both men and women must move slowly and express touch carefully.

By pure acts of the will, there also must be total restraint of the desire to touch in the name of a higher good. That which is only proper to marriage must never be expressed before marriage. A total ability to trust is at stake. It’s not that two unmarried people who, in a moment of weakness, did that which is only proper to marriage cannot have love and eventually a happy marriage. God’s grace can accomplish anything. It’s more about the development of the inner person that is affected by what is communicated through this highly influential sense of touch. It’s about what is diminished as a result of these weak moments and can be difficult to get back, or pose challenges to work through for the future.

There must be a profound respect for another person if there is to be proof of love. Too much excuse is given to weakness. As Christians, we are so much more than just weak human beings. We share the divine nature of God through Jesus Christ, Whose life we are baptized into. Grace is always more powerful than human weakness. Therefore, we have the power available to overcome weakness and weak moments. We have a responsibility to train our wills to be strong for future temptations. Our love for God should make us willing to keep practicing virtue and strengthening our wills so we can prove to Him our love and prove to the world that we have a share in Christ’s divine nature, which make us adopted children of God.

True charity and chastity in dating demand that both persons take it slow and do what is appropriate in their pre-marital relationship. Being prudent, careful, considerate, and guarded about touch prevents premature consumption, and safeguards against doing psychological and emotional harm to the other. Full consumption in love through touch comes only after giving free-will consent on the wedding day. The rights to each other’s bodies are exchanged that day, and full consumption is permitted.

Let us all have great reverence for this most mysterious and powerful sense of touch so that we would be good stewards of how we use it. May we always maintain an awareness of the power we have in touch, and never be casual and irresponsible with that gift which we are entrusted by God to use for good. May we reflect on and repent of our inappropriate and/or harmful use of touch. And may we ask God for wisdom and purity as we proceed to use this sense in the future.

Continuing this series on the senses and how they factor into dating, I decided to do the senses of smell and taste together because they are so intertwined that it’s difficult to consider one without the other at the same time.

To reiterate, it is through the five senses that we gain our knowledge of the material and spiritual worlds. We were created with a body and a spirit, but the person we are is not a spirit or soul trapped in a body, but rather the body and spirit make up what we call “I”. Together, they make up the whole human being and the entire human experience. The function of the body includes transmitting data to our brains, and this data forms the spiritual life as well as our material life.

The life of God (sanctifying grace) is an experience of the soul, which means body and spirit. God dwells in the soul and we share His life. At no time does this ever exclude the body, whether God stirs us in our hearts and manifests this to our brains and executes through our body, or whether something comes through the senses and helps us to develop a stronger internal relationship with God. Either way, the body is involved, and the senses play a key role.

The senses of smell and taste are not as glamorous as the senses of sight and sound. Seeing and hearing seem to be much more important and dynamic senses when it comes to dating. Seeing and hearing the beloved have such a dominant role.

But what about tasting and smelling? First, it is worth saying that in order to really taste, we have to be able to smell. Did you ever hold your nose in order to eat something you don’t like? That must mean the taste buds on the tongue require the sense of smell in order to have an acute experience of taste. In fact, when we taste something, the sense of smell triggers the experience in the brain and informs the brain of what it is that is being tasted.

This is where memory plays its role. We can actually see something in our mind because of a taste or smell. The smell of a pine tree in the woods might bring up Christmas memories. Eating a peanut butter cookie might bring you back to Grandmother’s kitchen as a kid. Tastes and smells serve the memory and influence how we behave and make decisions. A friend suggests going out for Chinese food, for example. You might decide to go or not go depending on what your mind remembers about the tastes and smells of Chinese food, or the frequency of having it.

When it comes to dating, we don’t tend to think about how much of our actions with the opposite sex are a result of taste and smell experience. When a man is in love, he can just smell the fragrance of the woman he loves. Perhaps he receives a letter from her and she has sprayed a bit of her perfume on the letter. He smells it and it brings into his mind wonderful memories of her. Or the beautiful scent of a woman’s hair works as an agent of attraction for the man. He can still remember the smell of her hair long after they have parted company. On the other hand, perhaps the smell of tacos is unbearable to a newly brokenhearted woman because the love of her life used to take her to a favorite Mexican restaurant and she cannot bear that memory.

Love is developed through sense experience. And every sense plays a role. We must be careful not to discount any of them. Again, smell and taste don’t play as much of a role as sight and sound, but they do play a role. Though the roles are fewer, the few they contribute are significant.

The Scriptures say, “Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.” For Catholics, the tasting of the Eucharistic Lord plays a tremendous role in our entire being and, in turn, in the way we conduct our lives as dating Catholics and in marriage itself. The experience of consuming the Holy Eucharist at Holy Communion in the state of grace provides an internal sight that cannot be accomplished through our eyes only. We are awakened to faith, hope, and love; and in that awakening, we are given as deep an experience of sanctifying grace as we are open to and as God desires to give. That relationship with God that comes through consuming Jesus Christ’s Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity is a key gateway to love for one another, particularly marital love.

Our very life is a call to love. Love is our vocation. Love is what we were made for. There is no complete way to love and serve the Lord without a sacramental life, particularly the sacrament of the Holy Eucharist. Jesus became our food so we could have life in us. By consuming him, we see. We taste, and we see. The mouth that God created us with has this incredibly noble and privileged call to receive the Lord as food. But in addition, the experience of a meal is the context and environment the Lord chose to communicate two sacraments and prepare for His Holy Sacrifice. It is the context of a meal that we partake in every time we go to Mass. Meals, therefore, are a God-sanctioned way that love is communicated, friendship is shared, families are bonded by.

It is very sad when meals become utilitarian; namely, a time to get food in us so we can move on to the next thing. And the preparation of food has become a secondary thing, or even an afterthought. What does it matter what the quality of the food is, or what is served? That, unfortunately, is an attitude many adopt. Food is a way of life, and food matters. Experiences of wonderful meals and delicious food affect the human person. And it is no coincidence that meals are a major vehicle for showing and developing love. It is a major form of communing and uniting. Cooking for the one you love is natural desire. There is nothing like preparing a meal for the one you love and seeing their delight as they partake in the meal you made.

For animals, food means survival. For human beings, it is a way of life. Those who disregard meals are underestimating their ability to bond people together. For a couple falling in love, meals are central to developing their love and relationship, primarily their worship of God together at the meal they partake in together at Mass.

May the Mass be central in the lives of dating couples and the Holy Eucharist the primary meal that enlightens their minds to truly "see" what love is meant to be and how it is to be lived. Let us thank God for the gift of our senses of taste and smell, which offer us the privilege of coming into communion with Christ our Savior, and prepare us for that love we are all called to live.