I read a lot of marriage and relationship books. The subject of compatibility comes up often. One I read recently concluded that a marriage can legitimately be over if compatibility problems are discovered along the way. This idea of compatibility being the basis of a good and happy marriage is widely accepted.

As a Catholic, I am not a fan of marriages ending at all. However, marriages do end, and practically speaking I recognize that some marriages end for good reason. If this were not true, there would be no such thing as declarations of nullity from the Catholic Church. Compatibility is something I would recommend that couples have as they determine their decision to get married. But the word does not mean what it has come to now mean; namely, a congruence of interests. This makes compatibility mean that the individuals of the couple have similarities that make it very easy to be together. Even the thesaurus on this Microsoft Word software says that “compatible” means “well-suited”.

Couples with a congruence of interests make marriage look easy. Where there is a congruence of interests, there seems to be no issue of age gap. I am thinking about the great Catholic philosopher, Dietrich Von Hildebrand who married a woman 34 years younger than him, Alice Von Hildebrand. Their deep interest in the Catholic faith and philosophy brought them together and gave them a congruence that made it so age did not matter. Their marriage endured, and Alice has been a widow for many, many years. But she, of course, would never trade the years she had with this man she loved with all her heart.

Does this mean you cannot have a happy and loving marriage if you don’t have similar interests? If you have more differences than similarities?

Many people feel this way, and this definition of “compatibility” is widely accepted. I need to remember what people mean when they speak about “compatibility”. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who is well-suited for them?

However, this is not what the word “compatibility” originally meant. I am a words person. I like to know how an English word came into being; what the roots are for the word. When you look at the Latin roots of the word “compatibility” you find the following:

• “Com” means “with”
• "Pati” comes from the Latin verb “Patior” or “Patiri”, which means “to suffer; to endure”. We get the word “patience” from this Latin verb. The word “passion” in the context of Jesus’ suffering comes from this Latin verb as well.  Other keys Latin roots are “patiens” and “patientia”, both meaning patience,  endurance, suffering.
• “Ability” or “able” means “capacity” or “capable”

The real meaning of “compatibility” is “the capacity to suffer with another person.” In the context of marriage, compatibility is connected to the vow to love one another through sickness and health, for better and worse. It is the bearing of one another for the sake of the other. To endure the unpleasant times or moments with patience.

Do you have the capacity to patiently endure and suffer things that the person whom you choose to marry will present to you? If you do, then you have a key qualification for being a married person.

Suppose your spouse loves to talk about soccer all the time, read books about it, and watch the World Cup on television. They express this interest to you with great enthusiasm. You, on the other hand, cannot stand soccer, and inside, as your spouse is talking about soccer, you cringe, or have a temptation to say something snooty. What do you do? Should you bring out those negative things and present them to your spouse? Or should you keep that to yourself and choose to smile and show support and encouragement to your spouse for their enthusiasm?

True love demands the latter. In fact, the test of your own character and where you are on the road to sanctity is primarily in these moments of having to endure and suffer through that which your spouse enjoys but you do not. A fundamental, practical purpose of marriage in God’s plan for us is to purify our souls through these moments where we must bear the other person.

What if the person wants to talk about something you heard a hundred times before and you don’t really want to waste time listening to it again? This is another occasion to show your compatibility; your willingness to bear with the other. When you do it out of love, you can endure it joyfully, not begrudgingly. That is very important. People can tell when you are not really paying attention. It’s important that compatibility be understood to be the patient endurance with another with JOY!! You accept that you should endure, and you love the person enough to show genuine interest in enduring.

We say a person is “unbearable” sometimes. These moments are perhaps a good time to go on retreat or at least go out for a ride in the car to take a break and collect yourself. Better to do that than to allow the other to see you blow up or do something else hurtful during a time that you should have shown a more loving endurance.

One thing is for certain. We are called as Christians by Jesus to bear one another. “Bear with one another” means to be “compatible”. We are all capable of suffering patiently through difficult times with another person. God’s grace given to us as Christians assures us of that. If we do not, it is to our own detriment, and a wasted opportunity to be perfected and develop good character.

Too often, good relationships are destroyed (sometimes very slowly over time) because of one or both selfishly behave uncharitably toward the other by refusing to share the other’s interests. An abusive level is reached when the one not only does not want to endure it, but also seeks to make the other feel bad about what they are trying to share; to break their spirit. This kind of behavior causes serious damage to relationships, because these acts hurt both persons simultaneously.

It would serve us all well to stop thinking of marriage as happy only when both persons have common interests and similarities that make the feelings of love ever present. Marriage is much more about enduring and bearing the other patiently. It is much better for our salvation if we learn that true love bears all things patiently, kindly and honestly.

Compatibility is primarily about yourself. You must ask, “Am I capable of patiently enduring another person when I don’t feel like listening to what they want to share, or doing what they want to do? Am I capable of allowing another person to grow into the person they are meant to be even if it means suffering?"

If yes, you are a compatible person for anyone you choose, because it is YOU who has to be ready to love when it is hardest to do so. Two people with this compatibility about themselves are able to have a happy and lasting marriage.

Single persons have lots of opinions about what things they should be looking for in their future spouse as they go through the dating process.   Most of their opinions derive from their checklist of things they want in a person they believe could make them happy.  Having a checklist is a normal thing.  We all have them.  The danger, however, is that the checklist is ever-growing; constantly undergoing revision and additions with each passing year.

On the checklist of every single Catholic person is that this future spouse believe in God.  More specifically, they want someone who is faith-based, and lives a Sacramental life (goes to Mass, Confession, etc.).   This is usually at the top of the checklist.   That’s good!  If this is on your checklist, then I believe you have your priorities straight.  Rarely, however, do I hear of something being on this checklist that I feel is imperative, and an uncompromisable item.  I would like to propose that you put “Truth Seeker” on that list, and put it in the Top 3. 

To be a truth seeker means to connect everything to the vertical relationship with God, and the horizontal relationship with our fellow human beings.  First, the vertical.  We must know the truth, so the truth seeker appeals to the divine for enlightenment of the mind, heart and soul.  Second, the horizontal.  We are social beings and have a responsibility toward all our fellow human beings because of God who created all things. 

How is this different from the checklist item of wanting someone of faith; who believes in God; who goes to Mass?  The sad truth is that there are persons who say they are Catholic, who believe in God, who have faith, who go to Mass or say the Rosary, etc., but still do alarming things like partake in pornography, pre-marital sex, masturbation, unkindness, abusive behavior, resentment, objectification of others, and many other things contrary to fundamental human virtues that make for a decent person. 

The most important reason to marry a truth seeker is because you always (and I mean always) know that this person will, no matter what happens, have God as the higher authority above his or herself Whom he or she must ultimately answer to and must make the primary appeal to.  You will get someone who is humble enough to know that he or she cannot just accept their own way of thinking or acting.  You will get someone who wants the truth, even if it hurts or requires change in themselves.  

I want to share with you a note I received from a woman who is struggling to figure out what more she can do to improve her chances of meeting her future husband. I found it to be very insightful and I think many of you could find it useful for your own dating purposes (married purposes, too, for that matter). It applies to men, as well.

"Dear Anthony,

I was at a job fair recently where the speaker addressed the topic of finding a good job, and he mentioned how important self-image is. He said "If you want a job, act like it!"

It struck me very hard and I could not help thinking how this actually applies to my dating experiences. I think when I talk to men, I don't really act like I want the job of girlfriend, because I'm always too afraid. I'm afraid of the rejection and I'm also afraid of what to actually do if things DO work out. Then there's all the getting hurt business.

So, being conscious of this, I tried to be more open to men while attending a dance. It wasn't easy. There was a guy there whom I was attracted to and whom I recognized. He's friends with one of my friends from a singles group I belong to. He seemed to notice me and looked like he was interested in approaching me. However, I was totally paralyzed and didn't smile or talk to him at all. And even with the great excuse I had of his being friends with one of my friends, I did not figure out a way to go talk to him.

I guess I'm sharing all this with you because it's a lot harder than I expected to make changes to yourself even when you KNOW (at least in part) what you need to change. However, I am still hopeful and I am trusting in God, and I expect I will persevere inasmuch as what I want aligns with God's will. I'm realizing that in trying so hard not to come across too eager or desperate I instead act disinterested and aloof and that doesn't help move things along.

So I have learned something important. Now I have to figure out how to implement it. It's hard to communicate interest, without coming across as too eager. This may sound crazy, but I figure I need to get some practice getting rejected and need to learn to expect it. It's funny to think of it this way, but practically speaking, I need to find 10 good prospects and just KNOW I'm going to be rejected eventually by 9, and hopefully one will manage to stick around :-)

Well, I thought you would get a kick out of this. Please keep praying for me.

God bless you."

This 2010 snow blizzard stuff is for the birds! The kids love getting the snow in the winter here in Virginia, but this is ridiculous. Even the kids can’t go out when there is 2+ feet of snow. It’s beautiful and all, but it’s hard work to deal with. And this last Sunday, we had to miss Mass, and that is always a negative. So we just sat around the living room and read the readings of the day. It’s not the same.

I still can remember the readings of two Sundays ago (Fourth Sunday in Ordinary Time). The second reading was St. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, and you know that it strikes a nerve with everyone, because it is a reminder of what true love really is, according to St. Paul. Of course, for those who are married, this reading is a confrontation because it can't help but accuse you of failing at the love that is required with dealing with your spouse. For those who are dating, St. Paul's outline of what love is and what love is not should be a kind of benchmark in helping determine if the person is fit for marriage. Often this kind of love St. Paul describes is easier before marriage. Love is tested much more intensely after marriage. So for single people, the best you can do is make sure you get into enough situations where you can test if love is true, and go from there.

Let's take a moment to outline love according to St. Paul:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

This is not good news for us, because when it comes to our love of others, we all fail. And worse than failing is excusing ourselves for failing because “we are only human.” I really have a distaste for that saying, because it undermines our configuration into Jesus at Baptism that made us adopted children of God. We most certainly are NOT “only human” anymore. We share the divine life through our Baptism into Christ. Thus, we are configured to love. So technically, it is much more unnatural for us to fail at love. We are called to love, because we are called to be a witness of Jesus' love in the world.

Love is patient. I have heard it said that no one gets into heaven without patience. I believe that. And it makes me thank God for Purgatory, because patience is pretty hard for me. Yet we can grow more patient every day, and God gives us a lifetime to grow in patience through our interaction with others. Perhaps it is the number one purpose of marriage and having children; namely, to help us become patient. God knows how much the virtue of patience is needed when you are married and have children.

Love is kind. Ah, kindness. If only people were more kind! I think most of us consider ourselves to be kind people. We don't look to hurt others, and we try to help. But to be truly kind is more than this. Peter Kreeft, in his book “The God Who Loves You”, said, “kindness is the desire to relieve or prevent another's suffering, but love is the willing of another's good. Both are unselfish, but love aims higher and farther.” Desire to relieve and prevent another’s suffering. That’s hard enough. Add to it the “willing” of another’s good. Love’s kindness is an act of the will, regardless of feeling, to see to it that good is imparted on another. Kindness seeks to make another's life easier, especially in the face of their sins and failures. Jesus is not impressed that we can love those who love us back or who are easily and naturally lovable. But He is very impressed at our love for our enemy, and those who want to harm us. Showing an enemy kindness is unnatural. It takes the power of God (grace), who IS love, to show kindness at moments when it does not come easily.

For a married person, to have a kind word for your spouse instead of a harsh word goes a longer way. To be kind to that spouse when they have failed you or sinned against you, or harmed you in some way, is a very powerful thing. But it is no easy thing. But to will it is a sign of Jesus with you, because when we are hurt, the last thing we want to do is be kind to that person.

Love bears, believes, hopes, endures all things. Love never fails. Okay, now this is impossible, right? We fail at love. It’s a mathematical certainty. So who can really love? We can’t. Only God can love. And with God, all things are possible. Love is a very Godly thing. And the love we seek to have for ourselves is really something only God can give. Unless we embrace that with maturity, we are not going to have success in our relationships with others, and certainly not in marriage. Because men fail. We fail to love our spouses simply because we have our moments. Moments of impatience and moments of unkindness. Only a spouse who does not recover, nor is ever sorry, nor knows how to forgive or ask forgiveness, or who perpetuates their ways is not interested in love. That kind of spouse can do serious damage to the spouse who does love.

And this is where we come to what I believe is the most important part to understand about St. Paul’s thoughts on love. He says, "When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things."

Why does he say this right after the profound outline about love? He is indicating here that love is a sign of maturity; of being a man or woman (an adult). Children are self-absorbed! To be childish is to be selfish, which is a definition of immaturity. To be only concerned with self. Look at what he points out about what love is not: jealous, pompous, inflated, rude, seeking own interests, rejoicing over wrongdoing. These are childish things! Because children care only for their own interests, and in their selfishness, it can be very damaging toward others if they are allowed to get away with bad character traits and actions.

Have you noticed a rising trend among adults to continue behaving like children? This is the most dangerous creature that can be unleashed into society (especially the society of marriage); namely, an adult who does not grow up! Not only are many adults NOT putting away childish things, they are taking on more, and calling it recreation and entertainment, pastimes, outlets, etc. Any excuse possible to keep the childishness perpetuating.

What a danger it is to the society of love called marriage when two children, or one adult and one child, marry. Childishness is a marriage killer, because it is selfishness given license to do as it pleases. It is not true love in action, and love has no fertile ground to develop.

People wonder why there are so many divorces today. It is no mystery. Marriage is an institution requiring true love. Childish attitudes and behavior are the reality of many adult human beings entering into marriage. They take the emotions that indicate some kind of love and they enter marriage thinking that’s all it takes. But then all kinds of childish behavior become a way of life and disorder the marriage relationship.

Men and women who want to be married or who are married need to take inventory of themselves regarding their childish habits, and work to rid themselves of them by God’s grace. Women are beating men verbally with their over sense of expectations, or trivializing their interests, or making them feel useless or like their work is not good enough. Men are using women as sex objects, or verbally abusing them with no respect for them as a person, or working unreasonable hours, leaving them to be overburdened with house and children and loneliness, or playing video games or other recreations while neglecting their family, or involved in all kinds of sports or other hobbies outside of the home. Both are being selfish, impatient, unkind, jealous, rude, disrespectful, self-absorbed, etc.

In a word, they lack the capability of unconditional love, that which wills the good of the other. That’s what love is. That is the love that solidifies and dignifies marriage. It is only possible if we love God and truly seek change through a life of grace. And it takes practice. MUCH practice! May we all take St. Paul’s advice and get to work putting aside our childish ways, and taking mature steps toward being an adult, which means being a responsible person who loves and seeks to serve. If you want the privilege of being a married person, practice love that is not self-seeking, but that is selfless and desires the happiness of the other. That will be your own happiness.

May we all love as we are called to love. Time to grow up, and keep growing up! Love needs you! Marriage needs you! God needs you!

Dear Anthony,

I’ve been in regular contact with a man in writing and on the phone for a couple of months. When I mentioned to him that we should plan to meet in person, he said he has so much going on in his life right now that he doesn’t want to add to it by setting up a time to meet me. I’m at a loss. Am I right to be concerned?

You are absolutely right to be concerned. Men who do this make women feel as if they are doing the woman a favor. That is not good! Doesn’t it make sense that a man should make a woman feel he is interested in her? Of course it does. Does indicating that he has a lot going on in his life make a woman feel as if he is interested in her? Of course not. So you have done enough, and have gone as far as you need to in order to know if this particular man has interest in you. The least he could have done is say how much he would enjoy meeting you in person as he states any facts about his being too busy to do it at this time. He has clearly said to you that he has better things to do than to meet you in person, so it’s time to move on.

Women have a tendency of making the mistake of doing nothing when a man behaves like this. It is understandable why. It is hard to let go of someone you really like, or say something that might risk him cutting things off. But that should not deter a woman from doing what she needs to do. It does not help to allow a man to procrastinate meeting her in person. It actually harms the relationship, and both parties. So it’s best to do what needs to be done anyway. It might cause you some pain to do this, but my suggestion is to contact him and say something like the following:


Dear [what’s his name],

I have enjoyed our conversations by writing and phone, and was hoping to get to know you more through meeting in person. However, you don’t indicate you are interested in meeting me in person, and I don’t want to feel uneasy about an undetermined time in the future when and if this might happen, so I feel I have to end things with us and move on. I know you said you were busy, and I can appreciate that. But you have not shown interest in meeting, so I have to believe this is not too important to you. I am seeking a husband and don’t want to waste time. It seems right to me that the next step for us is to meet in person. I’m sorry things did not work out. If you change your mind and are ready to visit me in person, I would be open to that. Otherwise, I am not interested in further communication. I hope you can appreciate that I feel it is best for both of us to invest our time wisely, and for me that means only with men who show interest in meeting in person after a short period of writing and talking by phone.

Sincerely,

[your name]


This kind of note says what needs to be said without accusing or sounding bitter. And you definitely need to make it definitive-sounding so the man knows clearly that this is it. You have to indicate it’s over and you don’t want to communicate again unless he is taking the next step. Does that make sense?

Again, this can be a hard thing to do for a woman, especially when she really likes the man and it seems that things are going well otherwise. But I assure you, it is well worth determining now rather than later whether he is really interested in you or not. And God will bless you for taking such a step in the name of your vocation. That blessing may come in the form of this man being inspired by your action to take that next step and meet you, or it might come in the form of a better man coming along soon after. Either way, the certain blessing is peace of mind and heart from God that you did the right thing, regardless of the outcome.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Do you have any advice for a dating couple with a difference in past sexual experiences? (I have had none; my boyfriend has had some.) In Patricia Wrona’s book The Exclamation, she writes that it is better if a couple is equally yoked, i.e., both virgins rather than one virgin and one very experienced. I agree with her that it shouldn’t be a deal breaker, but it is awkward. Also, it bothers me that in conversation my boyfriend occasionally mentions the name of someone from his past sexual experiences.

Sexual experiences in a person’s past are never a “deal breaker” at first knowing this. What matters is how a person has dealt with their promiscuous past. I have covered this and similar issues previously on my blog.

I think a virgin has every right to desire marrying another virgin. They are just getting so scarce, however, that I worry that a person will miss out on or postpone their vocation (which is the higher good) because of this desire. If a virgin is willing to take the risk, then by all means they should seek another virgin.

As for bringing up in conversation a person from the past by name (especially one they have had sex with), that is wrong. In fact, it is impolite and even rude to do so. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t know any better. So you need to share with him that you are uncomfortable with his bringing up these women by name in your conversations. It’s just not necessary for him to do so. If he feels it is important to do so, he first needs to explain why. If his answer seems reasonable to you, then let him do it, but just once to get it out of his system, and never again. There just is no practical reason to do so. If he persists, then this is a red flag that there are other issues he needs to deal with. If he is dealing with them appropriately (i.e., working on it with a spiritual director, getting professional counseling, etc.), then that is a good sign. If he is just dealing with them within himself, that’s dangerous. So be sure you ask him questions directed at how he is dealing with his sexual past. The last thing you want is to go into marriage with anyone who still has unhealthy issues from their sexual past.

I am praying for you every day.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I’m dating a man who’s great in every way but he happens to be deeply in debt (not through his own fault), and he is working on becoming debt-free before marriage. I’m a bit concerned about his situation and wondered if you have any thoughts.

I believe this man is taking his financial situation too seriously. Everyone has some money issues of one kind or another. There are many, many people who have happy marriages and have financial struggles. Money should NEVER get in the way of love. In fact, it is love that will help a person get through their problems of any kind. I strongly suggest that you both get serious DESPITE the debt or money struggles. But you need to show incredible support for him personally, and trust with him financially. When a man is not happy in his work or is out of work, it really makes him sink inside. So a good woman will be there to tell him it is okay, she loves him, she believes in him, she is praying for him, and she knows it will all work out. He then should respond with strength and courage. If he does not, then he is sinning. Jesus does not want us to allow any problems to weigh us down to the point of losing ourselves and affecting the people around us. That would be a sin because it is a sin of pride (to believe we should have ultimate control over our situation). As long as he is doing something about it and doing what he can, he should be admired. No one is guaranteed financial security in this life. But the gift of love of two people to each other is immeasurable and solid and constant, and gets two people through anything.

So he needs to NOT let finances stop him from pursuing you towards marriage, and you need to NOT fear any financial struggles or going into marriage with debt. I know that there are so-called "experts" out there (even Catholic ones) who tell us that you should be debt-free going into marriage, but that is a gross error. There is debt that is a part of life, and there is debt that is a result of bad behavior and decisions. Your concern should be if his debt is a result of any bad character issues about him. It sounds like that is not the case. His debt sounds like a result of misfortune beyond his control. It sounds like he is not at risk of sending you into any further or unreasonable debt. If you agree, then there is no reason not to proceed with him.

I don't want to see people make a big mistake regarding their vocation over financial issues. I admire anyone who wants to get his "act" together before marrying someone, but there are some things that cannot be used as an excuse to wait. I think in your situation, the finances are an excuse, and not a good reason to wait. If two people are in a relationship, they have an obligation to allow love to grow and take it to its natural conclusion. Postponing should be done only for grave reasons.

That is my opinion. Take it for what it is worth.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I am in a relationship with a man who is about to enter the military, and I will be leaving for graduate school. Do you think it would be wise for us to remain together during the next three years if we won’t be getting married until after that? Or would it be better for us to break up and get back together when we are able to marry?

It sounds to me like neither of you is serious about marriage at this time. If you believe you are meant to be together in marriage, perhaps you should be considering getting married before he leaves. But you should NOT consider this unless you are ready to conceive a child. Therefore, you would have to be ready to put aside going to graduate school. Breaking up with the intention of getting back together once he returns is not in the spirit of Catholic courtship. You both owe it to God and to each other, because of what God has begun in you both, to take the relationship forward, not backward. Breaking up should be done only if there is good reason why it will not work out, and with the intention of not getting back together. Obviously, if two people find their way to each other again after breaking up, that is another matter. But your motives seems to be to break up for no reason, even while things are going well.

Many good couples and marriages have had to deal with the challenges of long distance and time in between seeing each other. If you both have a vocation to marriage, it is always my opinion to seek to get into it sooner rather than later. His being in the military and having to leave for duty is a good reason why you two need to be apart, but there is no reason not to get married before he leaves if you believe that is what God wants you to do and you love each other. However, if you feel it is more practical to remain unmarried until he returns and you want to wait for him, then that is fine, too. If you really want to go to graduate school and that is more important than getting married soon and possibly getting pregnant while your husband goes away for military duty, then that says a lot as well.

I guess what I am saying here is, have you considered getting married and taking things as they come? If you have and you determined that is too risky, then obviously you will not get married before he leaves, nor before you finish graduate school. The next question is, "Am I willing to wait for him and for us to get married, and not date anyone else?" If you are willing to do this, then you don't break up and you wait the three years to plan your marriage.

I don't think breaking up is an option because you don't seem to have a good reason to do so. As long as you are going to graduate school, you are not available for marriage, so why date anyone else? People who date need to be open to marrying when the relationship gets to that point. Catholics are not people who break up with another person just because it seems convenient, and especially not when there is nothing wrong with the relationship. You would live to regret breaking up, I believe.

So my advice is to choose to get married before he leaves, or make a commitment to each other to be engaged to be married and do so after he returns and you are done with graduate school. Either of these is beautiful, and very Catholic. Both show a decision to make a commitment. Again, this is all assuming you both love each other and have no real reason to break up (from a marriage point of view). In other words, have either of you determined the other is not for you when it comes to a future spouse? If the answer is no, then do not break up. Hang on. Build your relationship long-distance and over time. Or get married. Either way, keep making those commitment moves.

Dear Anthony,

I am a single practicing Catholic in my early twenties and feel lonely, depressed, and rejected. I have always been a gentleman, acting kind and chivalrous to the ladies I’ve met, but I can’t find anyone who could be suitable potential spouse. Is it because I’m too kind and chivalrous? Do I have to have the image of a "bad boy" so that ladies will notice me?

Thank you for sharing these frustrations, and I certainly understand them very well. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so very hard to be ready for your vocation but not able to find the right person to make that commitment with. I know what you mean about feeling that you should be something you are not, namely, having that "bad boy" image. I think you are right that for many women this is attractive. The sad thing, however, is that this is NOT what they really want for love and marriage. They are just attracted to it because these "wrong" men have certain key qualities that women want in a man. The biggest one is confidence. These men tend to be very confident. They are not afraid to approach a woman, and they know how to flatter a woman, compliment a woman, and flirt with a woman. A confident man makes a woman feel secure. Sadly, these "wrong" men do not offer real security but rather a false sense of it. What a good Catholic woman really wants, but many don't seem to realize it, is a man like you who is a gentleman, kind and chivalrous. The adage that "nice guys finish last" does not seem to be too far off.

I think if Catholic men were not afraid to loosen up a bit more, display a confidence in themselves and a fearlessness about approaching a woman, then it would compliment their qualities as gentlemen and being chivalrous. Catholic men need to know how to make a woman feel special through flattery and flirtation. However, it must also be sincere so as not to lead a woman on, as these "wrong" men do. They should never be just "lines" said to make the woman react. They should always be sincere and have truth behind them. A woman ultimately wants to feel unique and special. But confidence in a man and his ability to show leadership is the first step for women, typically.

I want to encourage you that there is great reason for hope. You are still young, so you have plenty of time to keep working at finding that suitable partner you are praying for. And by all means, do not give up being a gentleman. I assume you are also a strong Catholic man in your faith, too. These are all very important qualities in a man, and there are certainly many women out there who are seeking that.

The problem might be that the women in your age group tend to not really be open to their vocation at this point in their lives. Some say that they are, but they really are not, based on how they are living their lives. So many are not really "available", but they still want to date. Just because someone is open to going on a date does not mean she is open to love and marriage. It's hard to tell who is open and who is not at the younger ages.

I really think this is where online dating plays a major role in today's world. With a trustworthy online dating site like Ave Maria Singles, you can have access to many women and know so much about who they are and who they are seeking before you ever make an initial contact. Then, once you communicate with them, you can tell even better where they stand and how available they are. Those who approach online dating correctly tend to have success finding a suitable partner and they have no regrets about all that it took to have the happiness they enjoy now.

If you are really ready to make a commitment to a good Catholic woman and get into your vocation, I think online dating is going to help you a great deal. Obviously, I cannot promise you will meet someone and get married, but your opportunities will be much more plentiful. And the women on a Catholic site like ours are absolutely looking for a gentleman who is kind and chivalrous. Consider attending our trips or retreats as well. What an opportunity it is to meet solid Catholic women (and there always seem to be more women than men on our trips) in person and in a spiritual and chaste environment. You can see what trips and events are coming up by going to the AMS home page; they are listed at the top.

I hope this helps. Please stay close to Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament and to Our Lady. Persevere. Keep moving forward. Don't despair. And by all means, do NOT allow these understandable negative feelings you are having tempt you to become a person who is not a healthy prospect for sacramental marriage.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony

Women have an uncanny ability to make friends and be a friend. A good way to put it is that women are, by nature, inclined to care. Specifically, women care about people. They intuitively are capable of entering into the inner reality of human beings. This makes them capable of friendship.

It does not surprise anyone that women make friends with other women so easily. They show interest in each other. They enjoy the sharing of personal information. They pursue with sincerity knowing more about the person behind the external presentation.

Men, on the other hand, are primarily interested in the outer world. By nature, men focus on the “what” more than the “who” in life. Of course, I am not saying that men don’t have the ability to “care”. I’m only pointing out that women have an easier time at friendship than men do. Men get to know each other through actions rather than conversation. They do not sit down and start sharing what’s going on inside or their likes and dislikes. They just act, and they talk within situations, and knowledge about that man is revealed as he goes along. That is why men are much more transparent than women. You can know what a man is thinking or what he wants because he externalizes himself. Women keep things hidden inside and are hard to read externally.

Why is this so important to consider? It is because in dating relationships and in marriage, there can be an overstressing by women to have a man be their “best friend” at a level that is probably unrealistic. I’m all for friendship in courtship and marriage, but the friendship required for marriage needs to be defined and understood. It cannot be understood to mean that a woman will be getting someone she can converse with anytime she wants and about anything.

To really get to know any person, there must inevitably be spoken conversation. The reason is that you can never “really” know what someone is thinking or experiencing at the personal level, or why they did something, unless they speak about it. Actions may very well reveal truths about a person, but actions do not provide all the information about the whole person. So men do have to talk and be able to make conversation with a woman. He can’t just be too shy and not a talker at all.

By definition, a person is a being who acts. So what someone does speaks about who they are. However, as human beings, we have a fallen human nature that inclines us to sin. And, in fact, we all sin every day. Should our sinful actions be what defines us as a person? It would be unfair to do so, because everyone is entitled to the freedom to fall from grace and be forgiven and given another chance. How we recover from these falls tells much more about the person. Obviously, someone who keeps doing the same things over and over again is probably unlikely to stop doing them. So actions should be judged over time, rather than in moments.

This is the courtesy men desperately need from women today because men are more action-oriented than women. Therefore, men are prone to do more stupid things than women. Men need the benefit of the doubt from a woman if he is ever going to risk the level of friendship that women want.

Women have to understand, however, that men typically do not “need” the kind of deep friendship that women want. This is why it is important for women to have close female friendships. There are needs women have at the friendship level that should not be expected from a man. I realize that there is an ideal in modern marriage that a man and a woman be best friends, but this must not distract from the practical aspects of the vocation to marriage in the eyes of God. The two become one flesh, but not one person. There will always be two unique individual persons in a marriage, which means the personhood of both will always be developing and forming. The friendship bond in marriage provides love, security, sacrifice, and interest in the other’s good and welfare. In this friendship they cannot help but grow closer together.

But it is impossible for a man to fulfill a woman completely, nor a woman to fulfill a man completely. First and foremost, only God can completely fulfill any person. That’s a given. But also, people need other people to continue making them the whole person they are called to be. Some couples have terrible problems dealing with what the other does outside of themselves. There is a possessiveness that makes them hate when the person they are dating or married to does something without them or doesn’t tell them everything they expect to hear. They feel betrayed because they believe that true love means you do every single thing together and only share everything with just that one person. They also do not like it if anything they talk about together is shared with anyone else.

This is not what marital friendship is. Friendship does not mean possessing every single bit of information about the other, nor doing every single thing together or else love is not true or real. There are couples who do happen to have that. But many good couples have ended their relationships because they didn’t have this. And that is wrong. Women will find it difficult to find a man who desires to tell her everything and wants to do everything with her. Some men might be like that but most are not. Men definitely have to open up more to women, but women definitely have the need of a friend they can open their heart to; to talk about everything. Typically, women find this in another woman. That’s why there are so many happy marriages where each spouse has their same-sex friends. These friendships outside the couple enhance the person and make them better spouses to each other.

Women must not put so much pressure on a man to be a conversational friend they need. But men do need to talk more to women. Women need to have conversation. They need to know what’s going on inside. Many times a man does not even know himself enough inside to share himself. Women must be patient about that.

Don’t give up on a good man who defines who he is by his actions. Just because he does not talk as much as you would like does not mean he would not make a good husband and father. Make sure you have friends who make you a better person, and take that betterment and bring it faithfully into dating and marital friendship.