Dear Anthony,

I have gotten many responses to my profile but no action. Why is it these men are such great talkers but seem to be really interested only in someone to write to and chat with?

Great question, and it does seem apparent that there is a real problem of commitment among men. I have to first say that there are plenty of men who are action-takers and willing to make a commitment to a woman when the time and person are right. So don't be discouraged.

Having said that, I think it is fair to say that there is an "epidemic" of men who will not make a vocation decision that will alter the rest of their lives, whether that is marriage or the priesthood. I have no doubt they like the concept of being in their vocation, but they don't like the process required to make the commitment. I think a lot of it has to do with their not liking the fact that it is themselves, and not God, who is ultimately responsible for making the decision. By waiting for God to reveal 100% what they should do takes the responsibility off them. Women can be like this, too. We all have a desire to know "for certain" what God wants of us. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. There is no way to know anything "for certain".

Therefore, we must be people of faith, who go out on a limb, or take a chance, who risk it all. And that is at the heart of the definition of a true "man". That is also the problem. Men don't want responsibility, even for themselves, so they lead lives of putting off. They don't want to take a risk that they might end up regretting, so they make no major decisions at all.

This is the epidemic: men who don't want to make the WRONG choice. Instead, what we need are men who walk in faith and make choices, period. Men who don't fear making a wrong choice, but rather rejoice in taking action and living with the consequences. What these men who fear don't understand is that is there is great peace and joy in moving forward in life by making decisions, commitments, and acting in faith. Sure, they have faith and as Catholics they believe they should act on their faith. But so many do not take that concept further than religious practice. In other words, they feel they are men of great faith because they go to Mass or to Confession, or give alms to the poor, etc. Yet, at the same time, they are trying to control their own destiny for the things related to their personal everyday life.

This kind of Christian is not one who truly believes in God as Father, or Our Lady as Mother, and certainly not Jesus as Brother. Where is the faith that God will not allow us to make a decision that is beyond repair, or that can't be blessed by Him? This fear of choosing a woman and making a lifelong commitment to her is selfish pride in action. It is not faith, nor trust in God.

As you pointed out so accurately, men can be great "talkers" but have no follow-through. They don't realize that they are leading the women on. They are not careful about what they say and how long they communicate. And in the end, they just fizzle to a stop like a soda that goes flat. Then, they are content to see it end and just move on to the next person to continue the perpetual game (that has no ending, by the way) of searching for one person they claim will be "the right one", yet have no way of really knowing that information for certain.

The fact is they don't act. They don't decide. And therefore, the act of NOT deciding is actually a decision. The have decided to NOT act. Then they hide behind God as an excuse by saying, "She is not the right person God has for me."

I gave a talk recently where I encouraged the men to take St. Joseph's lead. He took action in everything and allowed God, whom St. Joseph trusted in completely and lived his life to serve, to redirect him if his action was wrong. In the Scriptures, there is a very big mistake he is about to make. He decides to put away Our Lady in a quiet divorce. But God intercedes through the angel and tells St. Joseph it's okay to take her as his wife. And then immediately he takes action to correct his wrong action.

It is only in our taking action (making decisions) and moving forward that we will ever really learn what God wants. And I can assure you that we learn how to be good spouses only by being a spouse. It's an "on-the-job" training in so many ways. If we are living lives close to God, and we trust Him as our Father, He is not going to let us make a fatal mistake. There is nothing wrong with men taking action to ask women out, meet them in person, or even to ask one to marry them. Why they don't do all these things is beyond me. Perhaps they are too cheap to pay for dates with someone. Perhaps they are too afraid they will end up with someone who will not make them perfectly happy. Perhaps they don't trust a woman to let him be the man he wants to be. Whatever it is, it is crippling these men and causing the women to suffer the perpetual "waiting on the man".

In all the "perhaps" comments, there is selfishness and a desire to "want", not to love and serve. To love is to seek the interests and happiness of the other in all things. To serve is to give of oneself for the sake of the other in all things.

I think perhaps these men don't want to love or serve. They want to BE loved and want to BE served so all their pleasures and expectations of life are satisfied. If I am wrong, I would love the men to come forward and correct me. But how can it be denied that men are NOT marrying women? And many are not even dating women seriously. Men need to stop "hunting" for a woman with whom he will be pleased enough to marry. They have to start seeing how their role is to find the woman they will choose to love (which means unconditionally, and despite getting anything in return) and serve. They just don't realize that that is the key to their happiness, and they are wrong in thinking they will be happy if they find the one who satisfies all their needs.

There is a lot to this issue that can't be covered in this response to you. The answers have to come from men in order to get to the bottom of this problem. It would be great to hear more from men and get their reactions to these observations by people like me and by women. Women are much more open to voicing problems and concerns. Men seem content to keep these things to themselves, and don't want to come across as complainers. But I think also that many men don't think they have any problems at all, and that these issues women have with men are just misunderstandings and injustices by complaining women.

So that is why it has been much harder for me to help men. But I am trying. I want to work with men, I want to understand them more, and I want to help them where I can. But in the end, ultimately, I want of men what God wants of men; namely, to grow up, take action in choosing a wife (make a decision), and move on with their vocation, which is the primary purpose of their life.

Dear Anthony,

It seems I’m continually meeting Mr. Wrong — men who claim to be devout Catholics but turn out to be arrogant or unfaithful or abusive or into pornography, etc. Where are the men who live up to what they say they are?

I can appreciate all you have been through and how frustrating it is. I also agree with you about the confusion of men who say they are practicing Catholics but have emotional problems, show immaturity or arrogance, are verbally/physically abusive, or are addicted to pornography. Women, of course, have their "problems", too. There are definitely good men out there, though they seem hard to find. I think it is something much more than just Mr. or Ms. Right. There are so many potentially great spouses out there (men and women) who just aren't quite there yet (and may not know it), and whose potential is overlooked due to their so-called "issues".

The bottom line is that both men and women need to be working hard on themselves by God's grace to lead a single-minded, consistent, balanced life. This means that we rid ourselves of living dual lives (dream world vs. real world), of contradictions in the way we live our lives, of any excesses or extremes, of all things that are occasions of sin or distracting to our call to holiness, and from all excuses for why we are not what or who we should be before God and before others. We have to stop having a disordered existence. Our Christian call includes an ordered life, both internally and externally. It is a life of Christ's peace. St. Augustine said that peace is the tranquility of order. I love that he used that word "tranquility". And to apply that word to "order" seems kind of strange at first. But it makes perfect sense. An ordered life is freedom. And that freedom is peace; the peace that comes from Christ. Therefore, despite what is happening around us, we have a consistent tranquility because our lives are ordered always in the direction of Christ through the way we live our lives. So if any aspect of our life is disordered, Christ's peace does not reside with us.

I believe that a person who will make a good spouse is an ordered person, not a disordered person. And if he or she has some disorders, then knowing that and seeking order also makes them great potential spouses, because knowing your disorders and working on them is the sign of walking with the Lord.

But you don't hear men and women talking about the concept of an ordered life when they are dating or seeking their future spouse. But they should. Disorder is all around us, and modern society seems to be hell-bent on helping people become disordered (and making money off of that, of course). But we can't blame everything on society. Grown men and women should be able to know right and wrong, and have the capacity to make good choices for themselves and (if married) for their children. And if we also claim to be Christians, then we should be people of prayer and a sacramental life, which will provide us the Holy Spirit and grace to be able to see through these things that can lead to a disordered life. Finally, we should be people who work on knowing ourselves so that we understand the things we cannot do or partake in that can lead to disorder.

I know that sexual pleasure plays a major role in this disordered life I am speaking of. You seem to be a woman seeking to be a Proverbs 31 wife in a world of men that want a sexually casual and active girlfriend to hang out with. Sex seems to no longer mean responsibility for future children, but pure pleasure. And approaching dating no longer means a path to service of another in self-donation for the other's sake in the sacred institution of marriage, but selfishness and "What do I get out of this?"

You need a man who seeks the scriptural outline of a husband and who works on being virtuous. I know they seem hard to find, but they are out there. Just try not to overlook the ones that have potential, even if they are not quite there yet. I firmly believe that there are many "diamonds in the rough" out there. These are men who are substantially "good" but have strong influences from the world (many times without knowing it) and who have weak wills, and when they give in to temptation with a woman or try to be forward or pushy, could very readily be "led" by the woman into realizing they are wrong about this approach, and then subsequently reform. Basically, the gentle woman who takes a stand but is willing to forget about what the man tried to do could win his heart by her generosity. Again, I am talking about men who are not too far gone. Those addicted to sex or pornography or who have serious emotional or mental issues are not marriage material, nor should they be dating. But many men can honestly "slip up". If they are forgiven, gently handled and allowed another chance, that has great power to change a man and edify him toward the woman who does that. She is proving to be a great woman (and this kind of woman is rare).

So keep hope alive and persevere. The man you seek is out there. Don't let the "Mr. Wrongs" get you down. Pray for them. It will give you more strength and fill your heart with more charity and trust for men. Don't be surprised by these failures in men. And don't be too quick to dismiss every man who does something stupid or foolish as being Mr. Wrong. Men do stupid things. So men need a woman who can see the good in them and support and encourage that. They are attracted to a gentle woman whose strength is in her power to forgive when she has a right to cut off. Men also need a woman who can challenge them to be better than we think we are, without coming down hard or holding it over on them, especially at the moments they are not very impressive. That gentle leadership by a good woman helps men to take over the leadership role and never look back.

Dear Anthony,

I’m in my 40s and recently met two very different women that I’m interested in. One is from South America and is great-looking, though I have reservations about cultural differences. The other is here in the U.S. but not quite as appealing to me. I’m not sure which one to focus on. Do you think the cultural differences would present a problem?

Cultural differences, language, and the visa thing are big. The U.S. is really cracking down on this. You are going to find yourself in a long haul with trying to get this woman into the country and settle down with you. How many more years do you want to be NOT ONLY single, but also without children? If it were me, I would look harder at the American girl.

I really hate to see men get caught up in great looks, I'm glad to see you are not easily taken in by that, but I'm sure you are somewhat, just like every other guy. You have to work very hard at avoiding the great-looks desire. A good-looking woman is "good enough". Great looks will not last in a woman. My advice is avoid it as a major thing. I know many men who are attracted to the exotic looks of foreign women, or who believe foreign women are more "feminine" than American women.

Regarding the U.S. woman, be VERY "open minded" and welcoming in attitude with her. If you go into it looking for flaws or negatives, you will surely find them. That includes physical flaws. The better approach is to take is to watch for anything that you absolutely could NOT get past for a lifetime, and those things should be based on what is "essential", NOT preferable. No one is going to come along that satisfies your every desire. Is she a good woman who will make a good wife and mother? Are you attracted to her physically enough (it does not have to be blissfully right away, because that can happen as you fall in love over time)? Does she believe the teachings of the Church and seek to practice them (a desire to become a saint and get to heaven)? Is she kind and forgiving? Does she seem easy to get along with (not a high-maintenance type of person)? Is she a consistent person (does not change into someone else when around certain people and then back again when alone with you — this one is tested around family and friends)? And as for anything physical about her you find to be flawed or unattractive, first look in the mirror (not just your face, but your whole body) and consider that someone has to accept your physical flaws as well. It will help you stay humble. This goes for your own personality and behavior flaws as well. Consider them first, and it will help you to NOT be so quick to discount her (or any woman, for that matter).

You need to go into meeting women with the realization that they will fail you in moments because they are NOT your savior, nor are they responsible for your complete happiness. You are looking the person you want to "DECIDE" to give yourself to in order to make HER happy and the children that are given to you. That is the meaning of your vocation to marry. Now, if you are a wise person in making your choice, you will make sure you learn enough to know that she is a person who understands that this is her calling to you as well. That way you won't be stuck with someone that you have to do all the giving for, and get nothing in return.

Everything else can pretty much be worked out (hobbies, interests, personality traits, baggage from the past, bad habits, moments of weakness, etc.).

The institution of Holy Matrimony is a very "practical" vocation. It is not primarily about romance and attraction. It is about being "suitable" for marriage and being "evenly yoked" for the purposes of marriage that God has designed. You want someone you can really share your life with, and yourself with. To consider beauty primarily is to condemn yourself to a near future that is empty due to problems you never foresaw that have to do with fleeting looks and cultural barriers, or anything else that got swept under the rug during the consideration and decision process.

God is looking for men and women who are ready to give up their self-centered concerns for the role of self-donation and giving, who will be open to life, who will make their decision a permanent one for life, and who will be totally faithful to that one person in mind and body and heart, as well as be focused on the care and needs of the other and the children before themselves. People who want to bear fruit for God's glory and the population of heaven and earth. People who see love as a giving to another, not a wanting to get from another.

This all points back to the U.S. woman, or women like her, being the wiser investment of your time and efforts rather than foreign women. I realize men are looking for certain qualities in women that they seem to feel they are NOT finding in American women. Perhaps that is something American women need to learn about men and make changes accordingly. But men are also deceiving themselves in thinking that foreign women are more humble, and quiet, and holy, and willing to dote over their man's every need, and modest in dress, and don't care about large age differences, and are more physically attractive (in an exotic sort of way). I have been to many South American countries and I can tell you firsthand that secularism, consumerism, and materialism have all entered into those societies and are affecting the Catholics there as well. Just as in America, not ALL are affected. But the dream world that these women are somehow less tainted is just not true. The problems in men and women are worldwide. I think it is better to stick with your own territory and what is most familiar to you. It gives you much better chance of success in marriage. There are men who successfully meet and marry a foreign woman from Central or South America, or the Philippines, or a place like that (we are not here talking about British or Australian and the like), so I don't want to sound "absolute". But I do think there are many, many Catholic men out there who are looking at these other countries for a woman because they have found American women they have met (even Catholics) to be unattractive in their "ways", and that affects their ability to be attracted to them physically. But again, I think in a lot of cases, they are not looking at the big picture. Culture, language, and many other factors do make a difference in the long run. It is best not to allow yourself to be easily "turned off" by women in the U.S. because of a "dream" of how it might be with a foreign woman.

It all stems back to this problem of men desiring finding a woman who will make them perfectly happy, which is the selfish approach to finding a wife. Accept that there will be shortcomings and issues, and you can more easily accept a woman in America, faults and all. But at least it will be much more familiar to you, and probably less expensive :-) There is more to say on this issue, as there are many deep aspects to it, but I will end it here.

Sexual promiscuity among single people is nothing new, nor is it considered that big of a deal these days. And I’m sure there has always been pre-marital sex throughout world history. It should also come as no surprise that even some Catholic Christians engage in pre-marital sex, and though that is surprising, it is still not “shocking” (though it should be).

Well, let’s face it…the experience of sex is a “good” and pleasurable thing. God has made it so. But God designed our sexuality to be used appropriately. That is a topic for another day. Suffice it to say that God absolutely does NOT want us to have sex outside of the marriage covenant.

Yet, some single people still allow themselves to have sex, and casually allow themselves to get into what is called “the near occasion of sin”; which means they unwisely allow themselves and another person into situations where the movements of sexual attraction and desire can be stimulated, encouraged, and built up to the point of being acted on. They choose an environment or place where it could go too far with no disruption. For example, being alone together in someone’s apartment/house.

So for some, this desire is too strong, and the will is too weak; therefore, they make the decision to commit the sexual act. It’s thought that if you can remain chaste, then wonderful. If you can’t, then seek God’s forgiveness and move forward. Let us thank God there are many single Catholics who truly do live a chaste single life and save themselves for marriage. They will be rewarded. But it’s a shame that they are seen as aliens or monsters. And all too often (especially for women) their chastity commitment ends up being the cause of a relationship ending (and this is from another so-called Catholic) because the other is open to “giving in” to sexual desire, or is even expecting it to happen.

Well, I would like to shed a little more light on this subject with something that must be said more and more often if we are going to make any progress helping single people lead more chaste lives and become good marriage partners.

What is that something? It is this: Every single promiscuous sexual act (especially intercourse) does a level of damage to the individuals involved which threaten their capability of making the commitment to marriage, and therefore, is harmful to the future spouse and the future marriage. In fact, if someone has been very promiscuous, it is doubtful they have the capacity to make the commitment to marriage, or keep that commitment. This does not necessarily mean it is a permanent thing. But it does mean that a person with a sexually active past MUST take time off from dating (a “fasting”, if you will) and focus on aggressively being restored in their Catholic religion; namely, their personal relationship with Jesus Christ. 

The damage is not easily detected or immediately felt. It’s kind of like becoming overweight and unhealthy. You start out eating too much and not exercising in very subtle ways, and then one day (without knowing it) you are overweight and not as healthy as you should be. And those who have tried to lose weight know how difficult that can be and how much focus and discipline is required. Certainly, an overweight person cannot just keep living the lifestyle they have recently been living.

This example still pales compared to the reality of the damage done to a person who is sexually active before marriage. It can be so many levels of damage that we cannot get into here (i.e., psychological, emotional, physical, temperamental, etc.). But let’s be clear. I am not talking about pregnancy or the potential of getting pregnant. That is stating the obvious. What is not so obvious is how a promiscuous past produces sexual baggage that MUST be dealt with appropriately for there to be the potential of being a good date, a good companion, a good friend (in the scheme of marriage), a good husband/wife, and a good father/mother.

For my purpose here, it is extremely important that single people realize that they are not simply just committing a sinful act, and then going to Confession to remove it. No, every sexual act outside of marriage creates a “WEED” in the soul that will never be uprooted, and will take an overgrowth of “WHEAT” (namely, virtuous habits) to overcome those weeds to the point of being healthy for marriage.

Sex is an act of the entire being of a person. It is an extremely beautiful thing when you are with the one person you are committed to for the rest of your life. And intercourse has an effect on the two persons involved that is very real, despite whether or not the two people involved are ignorant of it. When done outside of marriage, they might think it is some random act of weakness or it means nothing or they can walk away, but it just is not true.

It is unimaginable how much damage pre-marital sex has done to marriage. It means that there are countless single people out there (including Catholics) who have issues they are likely not even aware of but are very much keeping them from sustaining a good relationship toward marriage. This is why, I believe, there are so many single people and not enough marriages taking place. 

Again, this subject is too deep to cover here, but we have to get it through our heads and let it steep in our hearts and souls that the sexual act is profoundly “spiritual” as well as bodily (connecting the “whole” person), and MUST never been seen as some act of the body alone. And we MUST understand that we are inflicting terrible damage to ourselves and the other persons involved by engaging in pre-marital sex.

The more promiscuous, the more damage. The longer the damage is not dealt with aggressively, appropriately and effectively, the more incapable of making marriage vows and keeping that covenant.

I cannot stress this enough: if someone has been sexually active and you are interested in dating them, be careful. No need to jump the gun and cut that person off, but it should be a red flag for the time being that must be tested. But the red flag is someone who has done nothing or very little in proportion to their sexually active past. Their weak will not only threatens the new relationship sexually via temptation, but in so many other ways where a weak will and the effects of that past activity will be harmful to the relationship.

And if YOU have been sexually active and desire marriage, please do your future spouse and the sacred institution of marriage a great favor and take action to get yourself healed and going in the right direction. Good habits and virtues need to be worked on and lived. And absolute chastity must be committed to.

So there is hope. A person with a sexual past can heal and become quite capable of marriage. Those with a sexually active past MUST STOP dating and focus on strengthening the will. There is no excuse for a weak will. So much grace is at the disposal of every Catholic that can serve to strengthen the will. Once it is admitted that the will is weak, there must be great efforts do something about it. It will take a lot of work, but it will be worth it. If you have only been mildly or slightly sexually active, you might still be capable of the marriage commitment and could be dating. However, you should work very hard at discovering any issues you have and work on. You owe it to your future spouse.

The last word is this: Stay chaste. Stay a virgin (if you are one). If you are not a virgin, never, ever give in to sexual activity again. It is a sacred gift only meant for a spouse. Pre-marital sex is just not worth the mess and garbage it produces, no matter how pleasurable and harmless, or even “forgivable” you think it is. It should be enough that God commands and expects no sexual activity before marriage.