Women have an uncanny ability to make friends and be a friend. A good way to put it is that women are, by nature, inclined to care. Specifically, women care about people. They intuitively are capable of entering into the inner reality of human beings. This makes them capable of friendship.

It does not surprise anyone that women make friends with other women so easily. They show interest in each other. They enjoy the sharing of personal information. They pursue with sincerity knowing more about the person behind the external presentation.

Men, on the other hand, are primarily interested in the outer world. By nature, men focus on the “what” more than the “who” in life. Of course, I am not saying that men don’t have the ability to “care”. I’m only pointing out that women have an easier time at friendship than men do. Men get to know each other through actions rather than conversation. They do not sit down and start sharing what’s going on inside or their likes and dislikes. They just act, and they talk within situations, and knowledge about that man is revealed as he goes along. That is why men are much more transparent than women. You can know what a man is thinking or what he wants because he externalizes himself. Women keep things hidden inside and are hard to read externally.

Why is this so important to consider? It is because in dating relationships and in marriage, there can be an overstressing by women to have a man be their “best friend” at a level that is probably unrealistic. I’m all for friendship in courtship and marriage, but the friendship required for marriage needs to be defined and understood. It cannot be understood to mean that a woman will be getting someone she can converse with anytime she wants and about anything.

To really get to know any person, there must inevitably be spoken conversation. The reason is that you can never “really” know what someone is thinking or experiencing at the personal level, or why they did something, unless they speak about it. Actions may very well reveal truths about a person, but actions do not provide all the information about the whole person. So men do have to talk and be able to make conversation with a woman. He can’t just be too shy and not a talker at all.

By definition, a person is a being who acts. So what someone does speaks about who they are. However, as human beings, we have a fallen human nature that inclines us to sin. And, in fact, we all sin every day. Should our sinful actions be what defines us as a person? It would be unfair to do so, because everyone is entitled to the freedom to fall from grace and be forgiven and given another chance. How we recover from these falls tells much more about the person. Obviously, someone who keeps doing the same things over and over again is probably unlikely to stop doing them. So actions should be judged over time, rather than in moments.

This is the courtesy men desperately need from women today because men are more action-oriented than women. Therefore, men are prone to do more stupid things than women. Men need the benefit of the doubt from a woman if he is ever going to risk the level of friendship that women want.

Women have to understand, however, that men typically do not “need” the kind of deep friendship that women want. This is why it is important for women to have close female friendships. There are needs women have at the friendship level that should not be expected from a man. I realize that there is an ideal in modern marriage that a man and a woman be best friends, but this must not distract from the practical aspects of the vocation to marriage in the eyes of God. The two become one flesh, but not one person. There will always be two unique individual persons in a marriage, which means the personhood of both will always be developing and forming. The friendship bond in marriage provides love, security, sacrifice, and interest in the other’s good and welfare. In this friendship they cannot help but grow closer together.

But it is impossible for a man to fulfill a woman completely, nor a woman to fulfill a man completely. First and foremost, only God can completely fulfill any person. That’s a given. But also, people need other people to continue making them the whole person they are called to be. Some couples have terrible problems dealing with what the other does outside of themselves. There is a possessiveness that makes them hate when the person they are dating or married to does something without them or doesn’t tell them everything they expect to hear. They feel betrayed because they believe that true love means you do every single thing together and only share everything with just that one person. They also do not like it if anything they talk about together is shared with anyone else.

This is not what marital friendship is. Friendship does not mean possessing every single bit of information about the other, nor doing every single thing together or else love is not true or real. There are couples who do happen to have that. But many good couples have ended their relationships because they didn’t have this. And that is wrong. Women will find it difficult to find a man who desires to tell her everything and wants to do everything with her. Some men might be like that but most are not. Men definitely have to open up more to women, but women definitely have the need of a friend they can open their heart to; to talk about everything. Typically, women find this in another woman. That’s why there are so many happy marriages where each spouse has their same-sex friends. These friendships outside the couple enhance the person and make them better spouses to each other.

Women must not put so much pressure on a man to be a conversational friend they need. But men do need to talk more to women. Women need to have conversation. They need to know what’s going on inside. Many times a man does not even know himself enough inside to share himself. Women must be patient about that.

Don’t give up on a good man who defines who he is by his actions. Just because he does not talk as much as you would like does not mean he would not make a good husband and father. Make sure you have friends who make you a better person, and take that betterment and bring it faithfully into dating and marital friendship.

Every Christmas I watch the 1951 movie "Scrooge" with Alistair Sim. At the end, when Scrooge is converted, he says the wonderful line, "My dear woman, I have not taken leave of my senses, I have come to them." It's a true conversion within that implies the five senses are now ordered toward their purpose.

Like Scrooge, we all need to have a conversion, which should be ongoing throughout our lives. Our senses play a role in our conversion, and some practical thoughts on the conversion of our senses is how I would like to end this series on the senses in dating.

If we ever hope to be successful in love and marriage, we must realize our personal calling by God to authentic love, which is a self-donation to others. This is the call to become a saint because it means giving glory to God in our lives, and a keen awareness of our role to serve others. There is truly no room for self-centeredness along the path to sanctity, and certainly not in marital love. Therefore, to be successful in dating toward marriage has everything to do with how successful we are at denying ourselves and finding the joy in serving another. It sounds cold and unromantic, but this is what true love is.

We are all self-centered, and it lasts a lifetime. This is the result of original sin. But we have the grace of God at our disposal that has the power to perfect us. Life's struggle is to maintain this grace (friendship with God) that helps us to grow in holiness, and thus be effective instruments of God's love to others. Our daily life of sin leads us to more and more of a realization that we need God and cannot accomplish anything good ourselves.

Conversion means a change in our motives. Though we struggle with self-centeredness all our lives, conversion causes us to practice selfless motives in all actions. These selfless motives call the five senses to conversion in their practice so that no longer will they be used in ways that are harmful, but in ways that are holy.

Scrooge chose a self-centered existence and employed his senses to ensure his motive was satisfied. His senses did a top-notch job. His eyes never observed the goodness in people, nor the needs of others. His ears never delighted in the sounds of human association, nor heard the cries of the suffering. He did not allow himself to touch people lest he contract some disease or show some sign of affection that would be interpreted as care.

When Scrooge converts, his motives are for the good, and the senses are awakened and put to tasks they had yet to experience. His eyes now see. His ears hear. He desires to touch in caring ways. He is a true human person again, which means he is at the service of others. The senses work toward the good of this purer motive.

Dating persons who hope to be married one day must be attractive in motive. This is displayed through the senses in a major way. The senses help to display the character of a person, which is the animation of motive. Our motives cause us to act. Our character is the summation of our consistent actions (not bad moments, but consistent behavior). The Lord said, "It is what comes out of a man that defiles." How else do we bring out what is inside except through our body, the instrument of our will? For example, if what we do contradicts what we say, there is a problem. Consistently doing that causes confusion, and makes one unattractive.

Practically speaking, we must discipline our senses if we hope to use them for good and not evil; to acquire good, not useless or counterproductive knowledge. Therefore, ongoing conversion of our senses is necessary. How do we ensure this? I would suggest that the two keys to conversion of the senses are mortification and charity.

For a Christian, "mortification" has to do with a voluntary offering to God, as opposed to the acceptance of involuntary sufferings, involving the body being denied. For our purposes here, it means voluntarily denying our senses of lawful goods for a high purpose. The higher purpose is to train the senses to be in total submission to our will so as to develop healthy habits (actions that happen instinctively) that safeguard our souls. For example, maybe you deny yourself seeing certain kinds of movies in order to train the eyes not to be so accepting of violent or suggestive images when they come along involuntarily.

Mortification conditions the body to be on alert, and helps to strengthen our will. When our will is weak, our body is weak and tends to control us, instead of us controlling it. When we have a strong will, we are then able to conform our will with God's will.

The second key to conversion of the senses is the practice of charity. Authentic charity actually means giving or service to others when it hurts. "Hurts" here means that you actually feel the loss when you give. It hurts because there is a decision to do something for another that you either don't want to do, or that may take something away from you that you have a right to.

If you're hungry, it hurts to give up your sandwich to someone who forgot theirs. If you're cold, it hurts to offer your jacket or sweatshirt to someone who is shivering. If you are in a rush or were planning to do something, it hurts to give up that time to listen to a person who needs to talk to someone.

Charity demands we be ready at all times to give up our own wants and desires in order to serve an important need. But how can we recognize these needs if our senses are not trained to do so? Acts of charity involve the senses, and the more we train the senses to be involved with charitable acts, the more the senses develop habits of service, and the easier charity gets.

For dating persons, become a good listener and you can win a heart. Speak words in gentle, caring ways and you will win trust. Take care of your own body through proper eating and life habits as well as improve your prayer life, and you will be noticed as one who values working on oneself, and thus be attractive. Visit the Blessed Sacrament when you are too tired to do so and God will bless you with graces.

The reward of true charity is increasing your personhood. The more fully a person we are, the better capable we are of becoming holy and serving others, which is our universal call. As we grow in charity, we are better capable of love, thus more successful at dating and marriage.

Let us be mindful of our need to continually convert our senses. Mortification and charity facilitate this conversion. Habitual pure motives in our actions will ensure that the senses are always acting for the purposes they were created, and not to the detriment of ourselves or others.

In this installment, we cover probably the most obvious of the senses that applies to dating and marriage; namely, the sense of touch. It’s a fundamental aspect of the human experience to touch another human being. And in dating, if you have never touched the other person in a way such as holding hands, you will never get to the point of marriage. Touching is a requirement in modern dating in helping to realize love and develop the friendship level that leads to the desire to marry. I suppose it is the circumstances surrounding touch that need to be addressed.

Though we speak of being “touched” emotionally by, for example, seeing the kind act of another or hearing a moving piano performance, the “sense” of touch has to do the physical body touching or being touched, which communicates information to our mind. Touch has to do with feelings and emotions, and every human being is sensitive to touch. Though you hear of a person losing the sense of sight, hearing, smell, or taste, you never hear of the loss of the sense of touch. This is because of the skin, that amazing organ that covers the body from head to toe. It requires nothing more than contact with the skin to cause an instant response to a human being. It is, therefore, the most unique, powerful, mysterious, and useful sense of them all.

So you can say that a person can live without seeing, or hearing, or smelling, or tasting and still live a healthy, human existence, but a person cannot live without touch. Imagine, for a moment, a life with touch. Lips that kiss your face. Arms that wrap around you. A kiss or a hug are never merely a physical exchange. They “affect” in every sense of the word. They make the difference between a healthy or unhealthy existence. A gentle touch can communicate love, and as a result, we feel trust and peace and warmth. A punch in the face can communicate anger, and as a result, we feel sad, upset, frightened, etc.

The hands are the primary and most active everyday instrument of physical touch. No part of the body has the most ready access to physically touch another human being than the hands. So it is important to realize the gift of our hands to the service of God, and the power they have to communicate with people. When we reflect on the life of Jesus, His hands were instrumental in His public ministry, particularly healing. We all share in the healing ministry of the Lord simply by the use of our hands and in ordinary ways daily.

In the area of dating, love, and marriage, a man and woman who hold hands begin crossing over from being good friends to being something more. The act of holding hands is actually a non-verbal communication to the other that expresses the desire to “consume” the other. If you think about how true love is a self-donation, it literally seeks to consume and be consumed, like a fire’s flames consume that which it burns. The holding of hands signals the beginning of love’s pursuit to consume, with all its potential.

Like the other senses, the use of touch can be abused and destructive. With hearing, if music is too loud, we desire to stop the pain. In seeing something disturbing or shocking, we turn away or close our eyes. With touch, if touching happens too quickly in a relationship, the brain can get confused and not be able to interpret what is happening and cause harm.

In relationships toward marriage, knowing when and when not to touch (use of hands, kissing, etc.) is very important. Touch strongly influences intentions of love to the inner person. True love is developed and secured as touch is appropriately expressed over time. Confusion and inner chaos are experienced as touching is prematurely expressed. It not only affects the present relationship, but all relationships to follow.

The adage of “less is more” applies to touching. Those who are dating must discipline themselves with touching as to insure that a healthy relationship develops so the body can respond properly to touch and the brain can better interpret love that is developing. It is a sign of maturity, for example, that a man can not only take things slowly with the physical part of a relationship with a woman, but completely refrain from acting on feelings and desires to touch. This applies both to marriage as well as the pre-marital state. Both men and women must move slowly and express touch carefully.

By pure acts of the will, there also must be total restraint of the desire to touch in the name of a higher good. That which is only proper to marriage must never be expressed before marriage. A total ability to trust is at stake. It’s not that two unmarried people who, in a moment of weakness, did that which is only proper to marriage cannot have love and eventually a happy marriage. God’s grace can accomplish anything. It’s more about the development of the inner person that is affected by what is communicated through this highly influential sense of touch. It’s about what is diminished as a result of these weak moments and can be difficult to get back, or pose challenges to work through for the future.

There must be a profound respect for another person if there is to be proof of love. Too much excuse is given to weakness. As Christians, we are so much more than just weak human beings. We share the divine nature of God through Jesus Christ, Whose life we are baptized into. Grace is always more powerful than human weakness. Therefore, we have the power available to overcome weakness and weak moments. We have a responsibility to train our wills to be strong for future temptations. Our love for God should make us willing to keep practicing virtue and strengthening our wills so we can prove to Him our love and prove to the world that we have a share in Christ’s divine nature, which make us adopted children of God.

True charity and chastity in dating demand that both persons take it slow and do what is appropriate in their pre-marital relationship. Being prudent, careful, considerate, and guarded about touch prevents premature consumption, and safeguards against doing psychological and emotional harm to the other. Full consumption in love through touch comes only after giving free-will consent on the wedding day. The rights to each other’s bodies are exchanged that day, and full consumption is permitted.

Let us all have great reverence for this most mysterious and powerful sense of touch so that we would be good stewards of how we use it. May we always maintain an awareness of the power we have in touch, and never be casual and irresponsible with that gift which we are entrusted by God to use for good. May we reflect on and repent of our inappropriate and/or harmful use of touch. And may we ask God for wisdom and purity as we proceed to use this sense in the future.

Continuing this series on the senses and how they factor into dating, I decided to do the senses of smell and taste together because they are so intertwined that it’s difficult to consider one without the other at the same time.

To reiterate, it is through the five senses that we gain our knowledge of the material and spiritual worlds. We were created with a body and a spirit, but the person we are is not a spirit or soul trapped in a body, but rather the body and spirit make up what we call “I”. Together, they make up the whole human being and the entire human experience. The function of the body includes transmitting data to our brains, and this data forms the spiritual life as well as our material life.

The life of God (sanctifying grace) is an experience of the soul, which means body and spirit. God dwells in the soul and we share His life. At no time does this ever exclude the body, whether God stirs us in our hearts and manifests this to our brains and executes through our body, or whether something comes through the senses and helps us to develop a stronger internal relationship with God. Either way, the body is involved, and the senses play a key role.

The senses of smell and taste are not as glamorous as the senses of sight and sound. Seeing and hearing seem to be much more important and dynamic senses when it comes to dating. Seeing and hearing the beloved have such a dominant role.

But what about tasting and smelling? First, it is worth saying that in order to really taste, we have to be able to smell. Did you ever hold your nose in order to eat something you don’t like? That must mean the taste buds on the tongue require the sense of smell in order to have an acute experience of taste. In fact, when we taste something, the sense of smell triggers the experience in the brain and informs the brain of what it is that is being tasted.

This is where memory plays its role. We can actually see something in our mind because of a taste or smell. The smell of a pine tree in the woods might bring up Christmas memories. Eating a peanut butter cookie might bring you back to Grandmother’s kitchen as a kid. Tastes and smells serve the memory and influence how we behave and make decisions. A friend suggests going out for Chinese food, for example. You might decide to go or not go depending on what your mind remembers about the tastes and smells of Chinese food, or the frequency of having it.

When it comes to dating, we don’t tend to think about how much of our actions with the opposite sex are a result of taste and smell experience. When a man is in love, he can just smell the fragrance of the woman he loves. Perhaps he receives a letter from her and she has sprayed a bit of her perfume on the letter. He smells it and it brings into his mind wonderful memories of her. Or the beautiful scent of a woman’s hair works as an agent of attraction for the man. He can still remember the smell of her hair long after they have parted company. On the other hand, perhaps the smell of tacos is unbearable to a newly brokenhearted woman because the love of her life used to take her to a favorite Mexican restaurant and she cannot bear that memory.

Love is developed through sense experience. And every sense plays a role. We must be careful not to discount any of them. Again, smell and taste don’t play as much of a role as sight and sound, but they do play a role. Though the roles are fewer, the few they contribute are significant.

The Scriptures say, “Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.” For Catholics, the tasting of the Eucharistic Lord plays a tremendous role in our entire being and, in turn, in the way we conduct our lives as dating Catholics and in marriage itself. The experience of consuming the Holy Eucharist at Holy Communion in the state of grace provides an internal sight that cannot be accomplished through our eyes only. We are awakened to faith, hope, and love; and in that awakening, we are given as deep an experience of sanctifying grace as we are open to and as God desires to give. That relationship with God that comes through consuming Jesus Christ’s Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity is a key gateway to love for one another, particularly marital love.

Our very life is a call to love. Love is our vocation. Love is what we were made for. There is no complete way to love and serve the Lord without a sacramental life, particularly the sacrament of the Holy Eucharist. Jesus became our food so we could have life in us. By consuming him, we see. We taste, and we see. The mouth that God created us with has this incredibly noble and privileged call to receive the Lord as food. But in addition, the experience of a meal is the context and environment the Lord chose to communicate two sacraments and prepare for His Holy Sacrifice. It is the context of a meal that we partake in every time we go to Mass. Meals, therefore, are a God-sanctioned way that love is communicated, friendship is shared, families are bonded by.

It is very sad when meals become utilitarian; namely, a time to get food in us so we can move on to the next thing. And the preparation of food has become a secondary thing, or even an afterthought. What does it matter what the quality of the food is, or what is served? That, unfortunately, is an attitude many adopt. Food is a way of life, and food matters. Experiences of wonderful meals and delicious food affect the human person. And it is no coincidence that meals are a major vehicle for showing and developing love. It is a major form of communing and uniting. Cooking for the one you love is natural desire. There is nothing like preparing a meal for the one you love and seeing their delight as they partake in the meal you made.

For animals, food means survival. For human beings, it is a way of life. Those who disregard meals are underestimating their ability to bond people together. For a couple falling in love, meals are central to developing their love and relationship, primarily their worship of God together at the meal they partake in together at Mass.

May the Mass be central in the lives of dating couples and the Holy Eucharist the primary meal that enlightens their minds to truly "see" what love is meant to be and how it is to be lived. Let us thank God for the gift of our senses of taste and smell, which offer us the privilege of coming into communion with Christ our Savior, and prepare us for that love we are all called to live.

I stated in the first installment on the five senses and their role in dating that we come to all knowledge because of the five senses. People who fall in love and marry owe so much to their senses. And we can thank those senses for the life of grace we have. I also covered the sense of sight.

Let us now consider the sense of hearing. The ears are the physical part of the body that act as instruments through which we receive the sense of hearing. Sounds are received through these ears of ours and are interpreted by the brain. Knowledge is thus acquired because of what we hear. The soul (our being) is affected.

The experience of music is accomplished only because of the sense of hearing. The beautiful sounds enter into the body and affect the soul. We are moved in our very being (negatively or positively) as a direct result of the music. The experience of noises have an effect on our being as well, which is why finding quiet time is a vital part of recovery in our spirit (unless one has become a person who cannot stand quiet).

In addition, the use of the mouth for speech is tied into the sense of hearing. The speech we listen to from other persons has the power to influence, and thus has a direct effect on the knowledge we acquire. Unlike music, which touches the soul already predisposed to react to it, the spoken word brings information into a person that provides knowledge that was not there in the first place. By nature, we are created to know the truth. But truth must be transmitted to us through the senses. With hearing, that transmission is accomplished powerfully through speech (what is orally communicated to us). This also applies to our own speech. We hear ourselves say something, and it represents ourselves, and it helps us. When we pray out loud, or when we confess something out loud, we hear ourselves. That has an effect on our knowledge of ourselves, just as when we hear someone tell us something about ourselves.

It is said that we are what we eat. But in a very real way, we are what we hear. If a child hears throughout all his life that he is no good and will amount to nothing, that child will have self-esteem problems. If a husband hears criticism from his wife day in and day out, he will distance himself from her, or perhaps even leave her. We are created by God for love and for truth. Much of that secure feeling of love comes from the words spoken to us. People become unhealthy psychologically, primarily through verbal communication, whether it's verbal abuse, or being lied to, or by words that are deceiving and confusing.

Words have meaning! And words are powerful! I don't think people realize just how influenced they are by words spoken. God forbid the words spoken to a person are lies or deceiving. Only when words are backed by truth, via actions that support those words, does the human person flourish.

Love is known in the hearing. A person wants to hear the one they love say "I love you" or "I trust you." These words are received and accepted as truth about the whole person who spoke those words. When vows are made at a wedding, they are accepted by each person as representing the whole life of that person. They are not just words! Words must be chosen carefully because they represent who we are. We have to act out what we say.

Listening to someone we love is also important. We can't be people who are interested only in what we have to say. We have to be anxious to listen to others, especially someone we are dating or married to. It is in listening (truly listening with attention) that we learn about another person. We take in those words and we use them as we observe the behavior and actions of that person to determine if the words match the actions. Much of falling in love has to do with the oral interaction between two people and how those words transmit into the full body experience of each other; namely, the actions fulfilling the words spoken. The actions prove the truth of the words spoken.

Like seeing, hearing plays a major role in the sacramental life. For example, we hear the words of consecration at Mass and then we "know" the bread is now the Body of Christ. Love is the same way, because it has a sacramental principle. We hear the words of the one we love and we "know". We are affected inside in a way that is a mystery.

The ability to hear, of course, is a gift of God and we must be good stewards of this gift. We have to be very careful what we listen to (whether it is music, or noises, or speech) and be very discerning about what we say to others. We have to realize how powerful speech is, and how influential what we hear is on how we grow in knowledge.

In dating, we don't ever want to be one who deceives. We can't live an abstract life of saying one thing and meaning another. We have to be great listeners, and we have to use words to communicate truth. Too often people are hurt in relationships because of deceiving speech. The hurt comes because by nature we are disposed to truth and we are inclined to believe what we hear.

We also don't want to become a victim unnecessarily. We cannot just take words at face value. Until a deep level of trust is established (which is a degree of intimacy when words are enough), words spoken to you during the dating process must never be allowed to be all that is necessary. I did not say don't believe the words. If someone is speaking to you (or writing to you) with great love, affection, sweetness, kindness, etc., then you definitely consider them. But they must be tested. We all have stories or have heard stories of how a man or a woman was dating someone who showed great interest in them through their words, but discovered along the way (sometimes very far along) that their words were only words.

This happens because people are too quick to give their heart prematurely because of words spoken. Test what is spoken both by observing the actions of the person and over time so consistency is displayed.

For those who are dating, never use the words "I love you" before there is a firm intention to make a commitment to the other. And if the person says "I love you" (especially early on), be flattered, but be careful.

Love is proven in action. Words of love are critical representatives of love, even after reaching deep intimacy when words seem to be incapable of describing love. Words matter! Use them selectively, sparingly, and wisely. Christians are called to live love and charity. Word choice and how we speak to others is a serious aspect of being a Christian.

The five senses are the vehicles through which we come to know anything. There is nothing we learn that is not a direct result of the five senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Our eyes, ears, nose, and mouth have to do with the first four. Touch has to do with what we touch with our hands or any other part of our body, as well as how we are touched by others on any part of our body. The brain, in turn, takes all information that comes through our senses and processes it. It is, therefore, obvious that without our bodies, we would never “know” anything, including God.

It is also because of this reality that we must take time to consider how we are using our senses in our everyday lives. Our senses are a gift from God to be used for His purposes. Any use of them outside of God’s purposes for giving them to us is a sin and causes us to be separated from a relationship with God. I am primarily focusing on the senses when it comes to dating, the process of getting to know a person of the opposite sex for consideration as a suitable partner in marriage. So this little series on the senses is meant to give some food for thought for those who date and seek to be married, because if we can lose our relationship with God due to inappropriate use of our senses, then we certainly can disrupt our personal relationships with another person because of the decisions we make with our senses.

First, we look at sight. It is said that the eyes are the windows to the soul, “soul” meaning your whole person. What we take in through our eyes works to develop the whole person. The eyes are a “window” because what we allow our eyes to see ALWAYS enters from the outside world into our being. Whether we are aware of it or not, and regardless of the degree of effect on the person, the eyes let everything we see into our soul.

I wonder if people ever really think about that. I know I don’t. We use the senses constantly and habitually. And like anything that is repetitive or habitual in our lives, they are taken for granted. Often we realize the value of a sense when we lose the use of it temporarily or permanently. At any rate, we tend to not give a thought to the purpose of our senses. For this reason, we have to make the effort to think about our senses and how we use them.

It might seem like a strange notion, but we must ask ourselves questions like, “Am I about to use the gift of sight in a way that will glorify God and better myself?” A question like that asked at the right time can do wonders to help protect the soul from letting something inappropriate through the windows. Once we let something in, it’s there, for better or worse. The mind records it and it is yours for the rest of your life.

So why is it that we are not much more careful about our eyes? Why don’t we take a moment every day to ask God to give us strength to use our eyes for His glory? Why aren’t we working to develop good habits with our eyes, and work with God’s grace to get rid of bad habits?

The saints have written extensively about the importance of “guarding” our eyes. How far from this wisdom we seem to be today. We freely let our eyes observe anything we please, with a false notion that we don’t really allow what we see to have any negative effect on us. Even objectively good things can be dangerous to the eyes if there is wrong motive or overindulgence.

So what does this have to do with dating? Plenty! Decisions are made about a person we date due to how the other person uses their eyes. Think of the importance of eye contact, for example, when conversing. Someone with poor eye contact or who is easily distracted (always looking around or glancing at their mobile phone or watch) is going to have a tough time having dating success. Think about how our eyes observe another person. Is a man, for example, looking lustfully or lovingly at a woman he is dating? Is he looking at other girls while with a woman he is dating? Is a woman dressing a certain way so as to tempt a man through his eyes?

A more universal observation is the how men and women “stare down” (as it is called) persons of the opposite sex. I see it all the time from both men and women, but mostly men. It’s one thing to notice a lovely woman, recognize that, and move on. It’s quite another to do a “double take” or turn around as a woman walks by and stare at her backside. How does this use of the eyes contribute to our holiness? Is it something we should continue doing or stop?

When dating, there are so many things that play a role in deciding on a suitable partner. What movies or TV shows do they watch? What books or magazines do they read? What is considered “attractive” to them regarding clothes or behavior? What observations can you make about the other person that lead you to believe that person will or will not make a good spouse or parent? There are too many aspects to consider here. Suffice it to say that the eyes “communicate”. They speak volumes without a word spoken. They represent who we are in a very real way, and often without our realizing it. They tell a great deal about us as a person. So we must be careful to grow in awareness of how we use our eyes.

Pray to God to help you become aware, and ask for grace. Spend time with Jesus and ask Him to redeem your eyes and use them for His purposes. Examine your conscience every night, reflecting on the use of your eyes that day. Get rid of bad habits of the eyes you have developed. Dedicate your life to purifying the motives for using your eyes, and opening those windows only to that which will help the soul. And finally, feed the soul through the eyes with as much that serves God’s purpose for the eyes as you can in order to crowd out the weeds that have developed in the soul from the past. You can’t get rid of anything you let in, but you can certainly keep them subdued and out of the way through a garden of beauty that you allow to grow abundantly in your soul through an amended life of good use of the eyes. Consider the waste of time we are guilty of with even legitimate things that we overindulge in with our eyes. Write down all these things for a time. You will come to learn a great deal about yourself that needs to be changed if you are to fulfill your call to holiness.

Happy Feast of St. Joseph!

My son and I share the name of Joseph in our names. My name is Anthony Joseph, and his is Joseph Anthony. He is 5 years old and he was very excited to go to Mass with me this morning for our feast day, and then go to breakfast afterward. As any good Catholics, we love St. Joseph in our house, and we will feast greatly today (the kids, of course, being excited that it is not a day of Lent and they can have dessert after dinner).

As our priest was giving his reflections about St. Joseph, I could not help but think about how many times I have heard single Catholic women tell me they are looking for their St. Joseph, and how many complaints from women I have heard over the years that they have a hard time finding a man whom they believe emulates the person of St. Joseph.

I have often wondered if that is not a lot of pressure to put on men. After all, no woman alive can possibly emulate the Blessed Virgin Mary and men have to settle for a woman who is of less holiness, so why should a man be expected to be like St. Joseph? Perhaps that is a cop-out. I suppose it is, as long as men and women are not seriously and literally looking for a man or a woman who is like the Blessed Mother or St. Joseph. These are two human beings whom no one can imagine ever sinning in their lives (we know for certain Our Lady never did, and though we don’t know that for certain about St. Joseph, who would dare consider him doing anything serious).

Since it is a true-blue sinner that every woman will certainly marry, I wonder if it is not a bit dangerous to say, “I’m looking for my St. Joseph.” And for men, it might be just as dangerous to make St. Joseph your benchmark to determining if you are ready for marriage.

So, assuming now that you are past the literal sense of finding your St. Joseph, and knowing for certain you will be marrying a sinner, no matter what man it is, let’s look a little closer at St. Joseph and what single men and women can learn about him to help them with the dating process towards marriage.

Obviously, we don’t know much about St. Joseph. He is mentioned very little in Scripture. What do we know for sure? The Scriptures tell us he was a “just man”. Let’s stop right there. I don’t think sufficient reflection is given to this statement. Our pastor this morning spoke on this, and it was dead-on. He said that if you consider what “just” means, you have all you need to know about St. Joseph, because everything else about how he lived can be easily figured out.

And that’s true! How many of us men can say we are “just”? To be just means to be totally, completely on the side of righteousness, in all we do, in all we say, in all we think. And from the purity of the just existence flows an absolute capacity to love. The Lord loves the just man, says the Scriptures. The just man is a man in complete harmony with God’s will.

So we know that St. Joseph was a man in complete harmony with God. That means in all his thoughts, words and actions he loved God and neighbor. How could it be otherwise? It is a life of honesty and uprightness. That is a wonderful goal for all men to strive for. It’s a bit intimidating, though, because none of us men can actually achieve that. Men are too self-serving for that to happen. No matter much of a good man we become or can become, men are tainted with a tendency toward preoccupation with self-interests. And that gets us into trouble. Some have it worse than others. Some are closer to St. Joseph than others. But in the end, no man alive is a “just” man. At best, we are close to being just, but never absolutely.

Because it is not absolute, we do some unjust things at times. Therefore, women have to understand that a man can be a good man, capable of fulfilling marriage vows and duties, and loving and serving his woman, but he will never measure up to St. Joseph in being just.

What is it that women want to see most in men that makes them say, “I want to find my St. Joseph”? I can tell you first what they don’t mean. They don’t want a man who will never have “relations” with them inside of marriage. What an amazing and singular grace St. Joseph must have had to agree to a life of celibacy within marriage; a life without ever having natural children of his own. But though these realities for St. Joseph are not to be duplicated, it does show how just he was and that a man is capable of being what he needs to be in order to serve.

That is exactly what women are looking for in a man. They want to see proof during the dating process that the man is interested in her and in others, even at the expense of disrupting what he was originally planning or desiring. It’s so very easy for a man to be pleasing to a woman when it does not conflict with his self-interests. But it is totally unattractive for a woman to see a man disturbed at any level whenever things do not go as he expects. Obviously, this goes for women as well as with men. But men are not as deflated by this in women as women are with men.

What is happening is that men do not like it anymore that they have to be the one to serve and make the adjustments. They want the women to do that sometimes (maybe even all the time). Yet, deep down, they DO want to be like St. Joseph in this way. They do want it! There are so many reasons why they have this conflict, but it is time that they realize that they can do it, and should do it. And the only way to acquire such a selfless serving attitude is to radically practice it until it becomes a habit of life.

St. Joseph was a “just man”. He didn’t try to be. He was! It was a habit of life for him. It came naturally to him. Though men will never have this just quality be completely natural to them, they can definitely get to the point where it comes easier to them, and whenever they struggle at times with it, they will recover quickly. It takes time. For many, it takes a lifetime.

And that is my final point (and it is directed towards the women). Your St. Joseph will come to you only within marriage, and not before. It takes practicing a life of selflessness in order to get to that level. So don’t turn away a man because he shows some selfish qualities, especially sexual ones. That is in all men. A man in love will adjust, but not as quickly as you would like.

They key is to find a man who is working on this and is willing to say he is sorry. Yes, avoid the men who are perpetually selfish individuals. No need to waste time. But do give it some time. There are a lot of good men out there with a lot of potential. If you are not too hard on men during a short time span, you will likely discover over some time a man who can make progress. That is a man worth marrying and giving the opportunity to become more like St. Joseph in the context of marriage, which is really the only way most men can.

I interview Ann Hanincik about dating with a purpose. For more formation resources for single Catholics, visit RoadToCana.com.

Dear Anthony,

I'm 18 and unlike many others my age, I want to marry and be a stay-at-home mom. I'm wondering if attending college while looking for my future husband would be a good idea. What are your thoughts? I'm also considering joining Ave Maria Singles.

It is perfectly fine to attend college while being seriously open to meeting your future spouse. Education can only help, not hurt. Attending college also helps you become more interesting. Also, traditionally, college is a prime place that a young person actually meets their future spouse. I am told that back in the day, it was a main reason a woman went to college (to meet a husband). Though times have changed and women attend college for many other good reasons, being open to meeting someone while in college is highly recommended. Of course, make sure it is a good Catholic boy (especially if you are attending a non-Catholic college). What college you attend does make a difference regarding your opportunities to meet strong, devout Catholic men. You definitely don't want to lose your Catholic faith if you are easily influenced by your peers and you attend a college where you could not find support for your Catholic faith nor anyone else to grow in it with. So by all means, do NOT avoid college just because you know you want to be married. But choose a good Catholic college if you want to increase your chances of meeting a good man.

Obviously, you can also meet good Catholic men without going to college. It is perfectly plausible to dedicate your time to working and making yourself available for dating men, falling in love, and getting married. My wife did not attend college. She absolutely always wanted to be married, a wife and mother, and took this approach of working and being available full-time to date. It has its advantages.

I think the key, whether you are going to college or not, is to be available and make it a strategy to be available to meet your future spouse. Too many young people don't make themselves "open" during their 20s, and college just passes them by without their realizing they just blew a key opportunity to meet their future spouse, or their 20s just blow by and they were not open enough to allow love to find them. So it really has to be a priority to be "open", and work at being open (if need be, since it does not come naturally to some).

Regardless of how you decide about college, if you are ready for marriage and desire to make that commitment at this point in your life, by all means join our site and be open. Once you join, you may be contacted by older men. Just remember that you are anonymous until you give out your personal information. So don't feel the least bit put out if you have to tell a member you are not interested (we have a "Not Interested" button that helps make it easier). Everyone on the site is actively seeking to meet the right person, so it makes sense you will run into some who are NOT the right person. Don't take anything personally, either. This is a process and God is right there with you. Just be open to meeting someone wherever he is, persevere, have patience, and keep active. These are the keys to success. God will do the rest.

I was speaking recently at a Theology on Tap and the subject of friendship with the opposite sex while dating came up.

This is an important subject that often gets downplayed. In general, I’m opposed to opposite-sex friendships while dating someone (or when married, for that matter). There is a danger here that must not be overlooked. And I hope people will not conclude that I am opposed to opposite-sex friendship across the board, because I am far from it. Let’s focus on what is a possible danger with these relationships specifically related to dating and marriage.

Friendship has to do with intimacy with another person. This intimacy has to do with two hearts that grow close to one another. A couple dating and a married couple naturally develop intimacy, thus close friendship. That is a very good thing, and should always be maintained. In fact, it should never stop growing, and should always desire to go deeper.

What we are concerned with in friendships (perhaps obviously) is the role of our bodies. It is doubtful that you will ever find two friends who can honestly say they have never touched each other in any way. It is a natural part of friendship to touch each other. There are plenty of appropriate and non-genital or sexually arousing ways to interact physically with a friend. A hug is probably the most popular one.

Same-sex friends are physical in these appropriate ways, just as opposite-sex friends are. It is safe to say that the body’s interaction in friendship is an important element of friendship, though it is not a necessary part of it (though, again, other than certain saints who had successful and deep non-physical opposite-sex friendships, it would be hard to find two friends who don’t have physical exchanges within their friendships).

I’m always amazed how naive people can be sometimes. Does it not make sense? I think maybe people have forgotten about the effects of original sin and assume too much that man or woman can readily and always control what is fundamental about our sexuality as men and women and as God created us.

More than that, it seems there is a lack of understanding in the direction of friendship. Friendship desires intimacy. A man and woman who are close friends will naturally want to get closer. It is a cornerstone of marital love and inspires sexual desire, which is the only place for the continuation of their friendship. Children, of course, are the ultimate "continuation" of the friendship and intimacy in marriage, for they are the tangible incarnation of that mystery of love between a man and a woman. That is why the Sacrament of Matrimony is primarily an exchange of "rights" to each other's body, and as a result of those "rights", a deepening of love can happen and children may be conceived as a result.

But taking the physical component out of it, it is still just as dangerous for a man and a woman to have a friendship, even if there is mutually no desire for it to be physical. The connection made with their hearts, as special as it may seem, can still be a threat to the persons these friends will date or be married to.

Why? Because it is flat-out uncomfortable for the person you are dating or married to. A woman dating a man who has a female friend he is very close to will feel threatened by that woman; not necessarily threatened that she will lose this man, but threatened that she may not be getting “all” of him and has to share intimacy with someone else. You might say, “That’s a sign of an insecure person and is a red flag to me.” Well, hold on a moment. That’s not insecurity; that’s just a natural reaction. No woman, for example, wants to feel she has to “share” certain deeper levels of friendship she has with the man she is dating or married to with another woman.

So what’s the answer? You don’t want to lose this person you are friends with, but you also don’t want to lose the person you are dating (or cause your marriage to suffer). One answer is to turn this personal friend into a friend of both of you as a couple. But be ready to end the friendship, because the person you are dating or married to may not be open to that.

Marital love (whether the pursuit of it in dating, or when living it) seeks an exclusivity that fundamentally offers security to each person. That secure feeling produces peace and trust that set the tone for the marriage and keeps the marriage strong. Marital love desires no competition for intimacy with the one they love. Opposite-sex friendships that exclude the dating or married partner threaten that security, exclusivity, peace, and trust.

The last thing that needs to be said here is that, no matter what you say to the contrary, an opposite-sex friendship “always” has the possibility of developing into “something more” for either one or both persons. Way too many marriages have ended due to one of the persons developing an inappropriate friendship with someone that ended up with one or both having interest in something more happening (and that did happen).

Love is very tricky, and whenever any level of love is with someone of the opposite sex, there is always a chance that desire for genital sexual expression will develop, the act of which is permitted only in marriage. This is precisely the “fear” that a person feels when the person they date or are married to has an opposite-sex close friend. That fear prevents trust from developing.

Why put any future people you date through this? Stick with finding a person of the same sex to develop the intimacy you desire (whether it is desire for deep conversation, or pursuing a common interest, etc.). And if you find a person of the opposite sex you are really hitting it off with and want to have a deeper friendship with, by all means make sure you are open to considering this person for marriage. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for problems with anyone you date in the future (or presently), as well as anyone that friend might date or be dating.

It’s hard when you are not dating anyone seriously to consider these things with your opposite-sex friends, but we need to. It will help us with our vocation, and I believe God blesses us for it. Certainly, it will give us a better pair of eyes to really notice our future spouse when he/she comes along. So let’s be realistic and not try to deceive ourselves. Determine if perhaps we have any unhealthy “attachment” to any friend of the opposite sex that might work against our vocation and our spiritual life.