Why do you expect?

You might wonder if the title of this first post has a typo in it, and that it was probably meant to be "WHAT do you expect?" instead of "Why." It is not a typo. I want to ask WHY Catholics "expect" in their relationships, in their plans for the future, etc. But they most certainly do have expectations, and lots of them.

I was no different. I was young and stupid once, and I was also young and selfish, too. Like most Catholics who are strongly devoted to their faith, I was observed to be a nice, decent, intelligent single Catholic man who would make a great husband. And deep inside I thought so too. It was me who was looking for a woman that "I" wanted, who would be all the things that "I" expected in a woman and a wife. Little did I know it, but I was setting myself up for a major shock.

It is only after you are married that you realize how stupid you were to "expect." Life just does not work that way. Living with another human being is simply not easy and takes a lot of work. And if that were not enough, this person actually keeps growing and changing throughout the marriage. It's been 14 years for me, and there is so much that I never could have expected, nor that I probably would have conceded to had I been told this up front.

And that is the point of this new category called "My Marriage: The Unexpected." I would like to share with single Catholics things that really happen in my marriage that are definitely unexpected, and cause a real moral dilemma in the soul because of what unexpected events you are caused to confront within yourself.

I will start with some news I just got today, and with one major thing I expected before I married that was actually a major reason I chose Bridget to be the one I would ask to marry me.

First, the news today. Bridget has been diagnosed with a degenerative disease of the jaw that is causing her great pain and an inability to open her mouth enough to eat normally. It is going to require $12,000 worth of non-insurance-covered dental work. Strangely enough, she is happy about it in one respect because she asked God to have something like this for Lent. She is wonderful that way, but it always ends up costing me a lot of money :-) At any rate, she needs the work done, and $12,000 is a major hit to the family budget. It comes at a time when we are trying to get four of our kids into Catholic school for next year. This is now more major debt to add to the debt we already have (caused by many other unexpected things, usually medical).

Now the moral dilemma. I can choose to let this affect me negatively or positively. In other words, I could become miserable and feel the weight of the world on me (which would have a negative effect on my family) or I can accept it, deal with it, and move forward; and maybe even find the humor in it. Humor, in my opinion, would be in the Top 5 "Keys to a Successful Marriage." I don't mean break out laughing humor. I mean the seeing things for what they are, and not what you think they are. To have a sense of humor in this situation is to consider it just another thing that makes life what it is: unpredictable. And the unpredictability is humorous. Or, I guess I could see this as punishment for my sins and God is not giving me a break, and so forth.

I admit to you that I am ALWAYS strongly tempted to move toward the negative on these things. I'm not sure how anyone cannot help feeling all kinds of negative things inside when hit with such a shocking thing like this. But I have learned the habit of praying in these moments for strength, wisdom, and the ability to see the humor, and I am usually able to come right out of it.

So Bridget and I have gotten a good laugh out of this, and are now resigned to a life with the pressures of more debt. And please, don't let anyone tell you debt is an enemy of marriage. Come on!! Debt is a part of life. And debt or financial problems only affect marriages because the two married persons LET IT affect them. It can be worked through. I don't encourage "going into" debt by free choice, mind you. But I am saying that "Debt Happens." I think I should make one of those smiley face T-shirts and put "Debt Happens" on it to get people to lighten up about debt. It's not so bad if you have the right attitude.

The unexpected in this case was both the surprising physical problem to Bridget that has set her back, and the major financial problem that comes with fixing the physical problem. Now thank God, it can be fixed. So for that, I am delighted and thankful. The financial debt is the continued suffering that comes from this blessing. And my dear single Catholic friends, you can expect many of such unexpected things in your marriage. Just when you think you have a plan, God allows something to disrupt those plans and test your love, your faith, and your resolve. You have to be adjustable. If you are too tightly wound with no flexibility, you will break when these things occur, and you will cause tons of problems in your marriage and with your family. Just adjust, accept, have a sense of humor, and move forward as you are able. Oh, and pray. Pray a lot :-)

Well, I went on too long here. There's no time to tell you the one thing I expected before I was married. I will have to save that for later.