Dear Anthony,

I’m a single woman and I’ve been good friends with a single man for several years. Lately I find myself comparing other men to him and seeing that no one measures up, and I feel upset whenever he talks about other women. And now, in addition to the emotional attraction, I find myself attracted to him physically. I have no idea how he would feel about all this, though, and I’m afraid to find out. Where do I go from here?

It sounds like you are in love. And that means you want to move forward to the next level with this man and things will never be the same again. You have to accept that reality. Things will never be the same! There is no going back to “the way it was”. You are attracted to him in every way and you now cannot see your life without him. It is probably that reality that keeps you from addressing this with him because you are afraid to lose him.

Unfortunately, you are going to have to risk losing him. You really don’t have a choice. There is no going back. You are in love. The problem with having these kinds of movements and feelings is sometimes you don’t know if the other feels the same and wants to move in the same direction. You want to believe this is what God wants and trust it, but what if it does not work out? Of course you are going to feel upset whenever he talks about other women. You can’t stand the thought of him being with someone else. But if he does not feel the same as you do, it makes sense that he would talk to other women. So it is a real dilemma.

It seems to me you have only two options: 1) You tell him. 2) You stop communication with him completely. It’s obvious you can’t just remain friends with him, so these are your only two options. My advice is that you call him and tell him what you wrote me. Share with him how you have come to the point where you can’t see your life without him and how you get upset when he talks about other women. Tell him you did not look for this, but it has happened that you are attracted to him in every way and you measure every other man against him, and no one else compares. Tell him you have no choice but that you need the two of you to become more than friends, because your friendship has grown so deeply that it only makes sense that it go deeper.

Yes, this is a big risk. But you have no choice. You must take that risk. You may very well find out he has felt the same way but was afraid you were not at all interested in that way. Or he might only recognize that you make perfect sense about the two of you ONLY after you bring all this up. Men can be like this: either afraid to bring up something so risky lest he lose the woman, or blind to what is “really” going on in the relationship and in need of a wake-up call. Either way, your bringing this up is a good thing, not a bad thing. No matter what the outcome is, you would be doing the right thing. To do nothing is only going to do more damage, and for a much longer time than it has to go on.

For both of your sakes, you need to tell him. So call him as soon as possible, and tell him. You can’t “not know” any longer. That will drive you crazy. Even if he does not share your feelings and you lose him, at least you will know. That is so much better than not knowing and living a life of wondering, and trying to be two different people while keeping your relationship with him.

I know you feel that at this point in your life you could not live without him and do not want to risk the unhappiness of losing him. That is going to tempt you not to take the action you must. But pray to the Holy Spirit to give you courage to do this and the right words that need to be said. Ask Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to give you peace in the outcome, no matter what it is. If you do lose this man after telling him your feelings, you will be in a position for God to lead you toward where you need to be led, and to whom you need to be led. As it is now, you are fixed in every way on this particular man, so you really cannot do anything else until you address things with him. God willing, this will be the man you “should” be with. You will not know that, however, until you take the risk.

Love is a risk. If you love this man, then you will risk it all. God will reward you for it, and He will get you through it. But if your vocation is to marriage, you cannot keep this friendship going on any longer because it will keep you from being open to another man who will be available and interested in loving you, and you will be available to receive that love and give it in return.

One last very important thing. If after you tell him your feelings he tells you he does not feel the same way, he may very likely ask that you both remain friends. You have to consider this carefully and prayerfully. I have already stated that I believe there is no going back because you are in love and you will likely never stop hurting to know that you cannot be anything more with this man than just his friend. And in the name of moving forward for your vocation, it does not make sense to me that you continue with a friendship that will distract you. I suppose that is what I am asking you to prayerfully consider; namely, will this man distract you from your vocation and moving on? Take it to Jesus and allow Him to enlighten you. Love is about making the hard decisions, too. And sometimes, if we really love someone, we have to let them go.

But let’s hope it does not come to that. One thing at a time. Pray hard and get the courage to tell him. You have to do it. I will be praying for you, too.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I’ve been in regular contact with a man in writing and on the phone for a couple of months. When I mentioned to him that we should plan to meet in person, he said he has so much going on in his life right now that he doesn’t want to add to it by setting up a time to meet me. I’m at a loss. Am I right to be concerned?

You are absolutely right to be concerned. Men who do this make women feel as if they are doing the woman a favor. That is not good! Doesn’t it make sense that a man should make a woman feel he is interested in her? Of course it does. Does indicating that he has a lot going on in his life make a woman feel as if he is interested in her? Of course not. So you have done enough, and have gone as far as you need to in order to know if this particular man has interest in you. The least he could have done is say how much he would enjoy meeting you in person as he states any facts about his being too busy to do it at this time. He has clearly said to you that he has better things to do than to meet you in person, so it’s time to move on.

Women have a tendency of making the mistake of doing nothing when a man behaves like this. It is understandable why. It is hard to let go of someone you really like, or say something that might risk him cutting things off. But that should not deter a woman from doing what she needs to do. It does not help to allow a man to procrastinate meeting her in person. It actually harms the relationship, and both parties. So it’s best to do what needs to be done anyway. It might cause you some pain to do this, but my suggestion is to contact him and say something like the following:


Dear [what’s his name],

I have enjoyed our conversations by writing and phone, and was hoping to get to know you more through meeting in person. However, you don’t indicate you are interested in meeting me in person, and I don’t want to feel uneasy about an undetermined time in the future when and if this might happen, so I feel I have to end things with us and move on. I know you said you were busy, and I can appreciate that. But you have not shown interest in meeting, so I have to believe this is not too important to you. I am seeking a husband and don’t want to waste time. It seems right to me that the next step for us is to meet in person. I’m sorry things did not work out. If you change your mind and are ready to visit me in person, I would be open to that. Otherwise, I am not interested in further communication. I hope you can appreciate that I feel it is best for both of us to invest our time wisely, and for me that means only with men who show interest in meeting in person after a short period of writing and talking by phone.

Sincerely,

[your name]


This kind of note says what needs to be said without accusing or sounding bitter. And you definitely need to make it definitive-sounding so the man knows clearly that this is it. You have to indicate it’s over and you don’t want to communicate again unless he is taking the next step. Does that make sense?

Again, this can be a hard thing to do for a woman, especially when she really likes the man and it seems that things are going well otherwise. But I assure you, it is well worth determining now rather than later whether he is really interested in you or not. And God will bless you for taking such a step in the name of your vocation. That blessing may come in the form of this man being inspired by your action to take that next step and meet you, or it might come in the form of a better man coming along soon after. Either way, the certain blessing is peace of mind and heart from God that you did the right thing, regardless of the outcome.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I’m dating a man who’s great in every way but he happens to be deeply in debt (not through his own fault), and he is working on becoming debt-free before marriage. I’m a bit concerned about his situation and wondered if you have any thoughts.

I believe this man is taking his financial situation too seriously. Everyone has some money issues of one kind or another. There are many, many people who have happy marriages and have financial struggles. Money should NEVER get in the way of love. In fact, it is love that will help a person get through their problems of any kind. I strongly suggest that you both get serious DESPITE the debt or money struggles. But you need to show incredible support for him personally, and trust with him financially. When a man is not happy in his work or is out of work, it really makes him sink inside. So a good woman will be there to tell him it is okay, she loves him, she believes in him, she is praying for him, and she knows it will all work out. He then should respond with strength and courage. If he does not, then he is sinning. Jesus does not want us to allow any problems to weigh us down to the point of losing ourselves and affecting the people around us. That would be a sin because it is a sin of pride (to believe we should have ultimate control over our situation). As long as he is doing something about it and doing what he can, he should be admired. No one is guaranteed financial security in this life. But the gift of love of two people to each other is immeasurable and solid and constant, and gets two people through anything.

So he needs to NOT let finances stop him from pursuing you towards marriage, and you need to NOT fear any financial struggles or going into marriage with debt. I know that there are so-called "experts" out there (even Catholic ones) who tell us that you should be debt-free going into marriage, but that is a gross error. There is debt that is a part of life, and there is debt that is a result of bad behavior and decisions. Your concern should be if his debt is a result of any bad character issues about him. It sounds like that is not the case. His debt sounds like a result of misfortune beyond his control. It sounds like he is not at risk of sending you into any further or unreasonable debt. If you agree, then there is no reason not to proceed with him.

I don't want to see people make a big mistake regarding their vocation over financial issues. I admire anyone who wants to get his "act" together before marrying someone, but there are some things that cannot be used as an excuse to wait. I think in your situation, the finances are an excuse, and not a good reason to wait. If two people are in a relationship, they have an obligation to allow love to grow and take it to its natural conclusion. Postponing should be done only for grave reasons.

That is my opinion. Take it for what it is worth.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I’m a member of Ave Maria Singles. I initiated contact with another member and he replied that the long distance between us was a problem for him, but to feel free to correspond. I replied that I try not to make distance an issue and encouraged him to do the same. I don’t know if he is really interested or just being polite. What do you think? I’m not looking for a pen pal.

No need to overcomplicate this. If a man is interested, he is going to pursue. This man is not going to pursue you. His leaving it open for you to still contact him means that he is not trying to cut you off if you still just want to write. But he is not interested. My advice is to move on and not contact him again. You said your piece, and were right to do so (saying you have a different opinion on the matter of long distance). But again, men don't let opportunities go. If he was interested in you, he would not make distance an issue and he would continue writing to you.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I am a single practicing Catholic in my early twenties and feel lonely, depressed, and rejected. I have always been a gentleman, acting kind and chivalrous to the ladies I’ve met, but I can’t find anyone who could be suitable potential spouse. Is it because I’m too kind and chivalrous? Do I have to have the image of a "bad boy" so that ladies will notice me?

Thank you for sharing these frustrations, and I certainly understand them very well. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so very hard to be ready for your vocation but not able to find the right person to make that commitment with. I know what you mean about feeling that you should be something you are not, namely, having that "bad boy" image. I think you are right that for many women this is attractive. The sad thing, however, is that this is NOT what they really want for love and marriage. They are just attracted to it because these "wrong" men have certain key qualities that women want in a man. The biggest one is confidence. These men tend to be very confident. They are not afraid to approach a woman, and they know how to flatter a woman, compliment a woman, and flirt with a woman. A confident man makes a woman feel secure. Sadly, these "wrong" men do not offer real security but rather a false sense of it. What a good Catholic woman really wants, but many don't seem to realize it, is a man like you who is a gentleman, kind and chivalrous. The adage that "nice guys finish last" does not seem to be too far off.

I think if Catholic men were not afraid to loosen up a bit more, display a confidence in themselves and a fearlessness about approaching a woman, then it would compliment their qualities as gentlemen and being chivalrous. Catholic men need to know how to make a woman feel special through flattery and flirtation. However, it must also be sincere so as not to lead a woman on, as these "wrong" men do. They should never be just "lines" said to make the woman react. They should always be sincere and have truth behind them. A woman ultimately wants to feel unique and special. But confidence in a man and his ability to show leadership is the first step for women, typically.

I want to encourage you that there is great reason for hope. You are still young, so you have plenty of time to keep working at finding that suitable partner you are praying for. And by all means, do not give up being a gentleman. I assume you are also a strong Catholic man in your faith, too. These are all very important qualities in a man, and there are certainly many women out there who are seeking that.

The problem might be that the women in your age group tend to not really be open to their vocation at this point in their lives. Some say that they are, but they really are not, based on how they are living their lives. So many are not really "available", but they still want to date. Just because someone is open to going on a date does not mean she is open to love and marriage. It's hard to tell who is open and who is not at the younger ages.

I really think this is where online dating plays a major role in today's world. With a trustworthy online dating site like Ave Maria Singles, you can have access to many women and know so much about who they are and who they are seeking before you ever make an initial contact. Then, once you communicate with them, you can tell even better where they stand and how available they are. Those who approach online dating correctly tend to have success finding a suitable partner and they have no regrets about all that it took to have the happiness they enjoy now.

If you are really ready to make a commitment to a good Catholic woman and get into your vocation, I think online dating is going to help you a great deal. Obviously, I cannot promise you will meet someone and get married, but your opportunities will be much more plentiful. And the women on a Catholic site like ours are absolutely looking for a gentleman who is kind and chivalrous. Consider attending our trips or retreats as well. What an opportunity it is to meet solid Catholic women (and there always seem to be more women than men on our trips) in person and in a spiritual and chaste environment. You can see what trips and events are coming up by going to the AMS home page; they are listed at the top.

I hope this helps. Please stay close to Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament and to Our Lady. Persevere. Keep moving forward. Don't despair. And by all means, do NOT allow these understandable negative feelings you are having tempt you to become a person who is not a healthy prospect for sacramental marriage.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I'm trying to work on correcting all my flaws so that I'll be a worthy spouse for my future husband. Do you think I'm being too idealistic?

Putting off marriage until you feel you have your flaws overcome is a mistake. And it is an even bigger mistake to expect that in another person you consider for marriage. It's nice to know what the ideals of marriage are and strive for them, but marriage is a vocation to find your own sanctification in while serving the other person despite what they may do. It's about bring new life into the world and mutual love of the spouses. The bringing new life part is not as demanding as the mutual love part. In other words, it is very hard work, and takes a lifetime, to keep looking out for the best interests of your spouse and maintain a love for them that is self-sacrificing. But it is these two things that fashion us personally for Heaven through this vocation.

But what if it doesn't work out as you hoped or planned? You do your very best to find someone who wants to work on themselves and sees marital love as a giving, not a taking, and then you marry the person, despite all their faults. Everyone has faults and flaws and imperfections. Some never come out until you are in the marriage. So one can never see marriage as a "right" to personal happiness that "must" come from the person you marry. And ultimately, if it is not going as you hoped or planned, you can't just end it and move on. It is for life.

Marriage is a challenge of two people trying to live together and compromise, and even to accept what seems to be something "unacceptable". It can be a Calvary in many ways. As I often say, marriage is about hurting each other for a lifetime. So you had better marry someone who knows how to forgive and ask forgiveness, and who believes in God and that there is a Heaven and that their getting to Heaven is dependent upon the decisions they make in this life.

True marital love is about seeking the good of the other. Too many people seek to find the person who will make them happy. It's natural. We all want to be happy. But we have to be careful about how serious we are about "being" happy, and how willing we are to invest our lives in making someone else happy. After all, only God can make us happy in the way people seek in another. So happiness in being where God wants us to be and with whom we have chosen to be is more critical.

This is all a roundabout way of saying to you that you should stop waiting until your flaws are overcome, or seeking someone who has overcome his flaws. God loves a decision-maker and He showers people of action with graces and blessings. To not act on your vocation while waiting for everything to be made right is to deny God the very process he created (i.e., vocation) to help us overcome what is negative about us and prepare us for Heaven. A very flawed person can have the capacity to offer their life as a "gift" to another in marriage and make another happy, if that other person will accept them. That means it is possible for two heavily flawed people to have a happy life together simply by living the life of "gift" to each other, primarily through the gift of a forgiving heart when things are not going so well.

Again, love and marriage can be very romantic and have all those wonderful feelings people hope to have. Some are very fortunate to have a marriage that is truly full of bliss most of the time. No marriage is without its problems. But some marriages do seem to have an exceptional degree of affection and romance, on top of the self-sacrificial actions of each. However, no one can ever "expect" that, nor should they ever feel they have a "right" to it.

And it would be a horrible error for people to say that a marriage of two people who are so affectionate and romantically in love with each other is the "better" marriage. This is not a contest. And the salvation of individual souls is a very personal thing. Who can say that the person who is suffering in a loveless marriage is not really and truly married? God allows and gives to each what they can handle and what is good for them. A seemingly unhappy marriage could be just what was needed for those persons. So two people who live a married life in struggle but always displaying the love that comes in the form of forgiveness and compromise, even if the marriage has many problems, can have a truly blessed and beautiful marriage; not in the way the world says it should be, but certainly in the way God expects it to be. And yes, those persons can even be "happy" despite the problem-ridden marriage.

I applaud you for recognizing that you have flaws and imperfections, and are considerate to not want to impose your imperfect self on another person. Too many people never consider their own flaws and imperfections yet want to find someone who has no problems and who will always make them happy. But your imperfect self is a perfect candidate for marriage; that wonderful institution that guarantees you will need to work on your faults and issues and imperfections as you work hard to live with another human being (and human beings once children come) and they with you. It is the living of marriage that exposes what is really wrong with us, and then demands we work on ourselves in order to best be of service in the vocation. And it is the accepting of another person’s faults for a lifetime that helps us grow in virtue and holiness. Those called to marriage have a unique opportunity to live charity and love, and also confront themselves at every level.

Too often people believe another person is the "wrong" person because of reasons that have more to do with personal preference than capacity to make a good spouse. Yes, everyone wants to meet someone who melts their heart and excites their every emotion. But that is NOT a requirement for a good marriage. There is nothing wrong with a person trying to find an ideal, but at some point the person has to say that perhaps the ideal is not for them and they have to have a more practical approach to being open to someone. Does that mean marry someone you don't love? No! Love is a requirement. But again, too many have a false sense of love. They think, "Is this person making me happy?" instead of starting by saying, "Is this a person I can make happy?"

So don't let your flaws cause you to shy away from being open to acting on marriage. Your flaws are the path to sanctity for the fortunate man who will marry you. If he is smart, he will know how flawed he is and be honored that you are willing to love him despite them, and he will love you, flaws and all. Work on your flaws. But I guarantee you there are more flaws you don't even know about that will not show themselves until you are living marriage. And such is the life of marital love: two people always growing, always changing, always having to deal with new challenges of each other. Flaws and failures in marriage ensure that each person remains humble and dependent on God, lest they believe this other person is the first love of their life instead the God who created us to love.

So many love to quote St. Augustine, and for good reason: "Our hearts were made for Thee, O God, and they will not rest until they rest in Thee."

I am praying for you every day.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

I was speaking recently at a Theology on Tap and the subject of friendship with the opposite sex while dating came up.

This is an important subject that often gets downplayed. In general, I’m opposed to opposite-sex friendships while dating someone (or when married, for that matter). There is a danger here that must not be overlooked. And I hope people will not conclude that I am opposed to opposite-sex friendship across the board, because I am far from it. Let’s focus on what is a possible danger with these relationships specifically related to dating and marriage.

Friendship has to do with intimacy with another person. This intimacy has to do with two hearts that grow close to one another. A couple dating and a married couple naturally develop intimacy, thus close friendship. That is a very good thing, and should always be maintained. In fact, it should never stop growing, and should always desire to go deeper.

What we are concerned with in friendships (perhaps obviously) is the role of our bodies. It is doubtful that you will ever find two friends who can honestly say they have never touched each other in any way. It is a natural part of friendship to touch each other. There are plenty of appropriate and non-genital or sexually arousing ways to interact physically with a friend. A hug is probably the most popular one.

Same-sex friends are physical in these appropriate ways, just as opposite-sex friends are. It is safe to say that the body’s interaction in friendship is an important element of friendship, though it is not a necessary part of it (though, again, other than certain saints who had successful and deep non-physical opposite-sex friendships, it would be hard to find two friends who don’t have physical exchanges within their friendships).

I’m always amazed how naive people can be sometimes. Does it not make sense? I think maybe people have forgotten about the effects of original sin and assume too much that man or woman can readily and always control what is fundamental about our sexuality as men and women and as God created us.

More than that, it seems there is a lack of understanding in the direction of friendship. Friendship desires intimacy. A man and woman who are close friends will naturally want to get closer. It is a cornerstone of marital love and inspires sexual desire, which is the only place for the continuation of their friendship. Children, of course, are the ultimate "continuation" of the friendship and intimacy in marriage, for they are the tangible incarnation of that mystery of love between a man and a woman. That is why the Sacrament of Matrimony is primarily an exchange of "rights" to each other's body, and as a result of those "rights", a deepening of love can happen and children may be conceived as a result.

But taking the physical component out of it, it is still just as dangerous for a man and a woman to have a friendship, even if there is mutually no desire for it to be physical. The connection made with their hearts, as special as it may seem, can still be a threat to the persons these friends will date or be married to.

Why? Because it is flat-out uncomfortable for the person you are dating or married to. A woman dating a man who has a female friend he is very close to will feel threatened by that woman; not necessarily threatened that she will lose this man, but threatened that she may not be getting “all” of him and has to share intimacy with someone else. You might say, “That’s a sign of an insecure person and is a red flag to me.” Well, hold on a moment. That’s not insecurity; that’s just a natural reaction. No woman, for example, wants to feel she has to “share” certain deeper levels of friendship she has with the man she is dating or married to with another woman.

So what’s the answer? You don’t want to lose this person you are friends with, but you also don’t want to lose the person you are dating (or cause your marriage to suffer). One answer is to turn this personal friend into a friend of both of you as a couple. But be ready to end the friendship, because the person you are dating or married to may not be open to that.

Marital love (whether the pursuit of it in dating, or when living it) seeks an exclusivity that fundamentally offers security to each person. That secure feeling produces peace and trust that set the tone for the marriage and keeps the marriage strong. Marital love desires no competition for intimacy with the one they love. Opposite-sex friendships that exclude the dating or married partner threaten that security, exclusivity, peace, and trust.

The last thing that needs to be said here is that, no matter what you say to the contrary, an opposite-sex friendship “always” has the possibility of developing into “something more” for either one or both persons. Way too many marriages have ended due to one of the persons developing an inappropriate friendship with someone that ended up with one or both having interest in something more happening (and that did happen).

Love is very tricky, and whenever any level of love is with someone of the opposite sex, there is always a chance that desire for genital sexual expression will develop, the act of which is permitted only in marriage. This is precisely the “fear” that a person feels when the person they date or are married to has an opposite-sex close friend. That fear prevents trust from developing.

Why put any future people you date through this? Stick with finding a person of the same sex to develop the intimacy you desire (whether it is desire for deep conversation, or pursuing a common interest, etc.). And if you find a person of the opposite sex you are really hitting it off with and want to have a deeper friendship with, by all means make sure you are open to considering this person for marriage. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for problems with anyone you date in the future (or presently), as well as anyone that friend might date or be dating.

It’s hard when you are not dating anyone seriously to consider these things with your opposite-sex friends, but we need to. It will help us with our vocation, and I believe God blesses us for it. Certainly, it will give us a better pair of eyes to really notice our future spouse when he/she comes along. So let’s be realistic and not try to deceive ourselves. Determine if perhaps we have any unhealthy “attachment” to any friend of the opposite sex that might work against our vocation and our spiritual life.

Dear Anthony,

I am in a long-distance relationship with someone I met on Ave Maria Singles. After e-mailing and making phone calls, we finally met in person, and we are hopeful about our future. Because of the distance, we won't get to see each other very often, and we're concerned about being able to maintain this relationship. E-mail seems sterile and shallow after a while. Do you have any suggestions?

I'm glad to hear that you have spent time in person already. That is really critical. I have no doubt that has only increased your desire to spend more time in person. That's a good thing.

But don't underestimate the value of your NOT being together in person as often as you would like, and how it can deepen your relationship. You should definitely be working at getting together in person as often as you can (I have recommended every two weeks or so as a benchmark, even if for a couple of days). The more often you are in person together, the faster you both will realize you are to get married or end the relationship. And knowing sooner rather than later if the relationship should end helps minimize heart pains and wasting time. Being in person often helps to know if you should be moving toward marriage, so you should definitely make it happen as you are able. Just understand that having long intervals between meetings can be a risk, especially in dragging the relationship on longer than it should (whether for marriage or for breaking up).

However, the time in between can be a tremendous blessing and a wonderful opportunity to grow deeper towards each other that you might not otherwise be able to do if you lived close by and could see each other in person more often. I want to encourage you both to write long letters to each other during these periods, sharing your hearts, interests, faith, past, etc. The beauty of a long-distance relationship is that it helps foster deep love and longing for each other that being in person all the time cannot. When you have access to someone all the time, writing does not take place. And writing provides an opportunity to share in ways that people don't usually do when talking to each other. Plus, there is the added bonus of not having to deal with serious chastity issues that people who are in person all the time have to face, which can really cause problems, or disrupt the developing relationship, or even distort the relationship to the point of it ending when it did not have to happen that way. Chastity helps couples to grow in grace, so long-distance relationships are great for this, too.

So I encourage you both to rejoice in the opportunity to take advantage of this distance between you, and time periods between visits, and see it as a very holy thing. And make it valuable by taking the time to write long letters. The reason e-mail seems sterile and shallow (as you put it) is because you are not really "writing" to each other. You are just chatting. So take the time, nestle up on your bed, or sit at your desk or on the couch with cup of coffee or favorite drink, say a prayer, and then begin to handwrite a long letter. Yes, I said "handwrite". Typing is too impersonal for this kind of writing (but if you are only comfortable typing, then I won't hold it against you :-) The point is to enjoy the spirit of writing to the one you care about. And watch how you fall in love and what happens. I promise you that after you are married, you will be saying how much the distance was a blessing and how much you treasured the exchange of love letters.

Dear Anthony,

What would be an acceptable number of members to be corresponding with on Ave Maria Singles at any given time? Should I contact only one member at a time and then move on to another, or should I correspond with many and then, once there is a connection, politely stop with the others?

Your question is a very good one, and an important one. It does not have a black-and-white answer, I'm afraid. It really depends on what you are comfortable with. I definitely encourage members to interact with more than one person at a time, and only the amount of people that they can comfortably handle having dialogue with. Yes, as one member becomes more interesting to you, begin to politely tell others whom you are less interested in that you need to stop corresponding. Tell them the truth. Everyone on the site should know that everyone else is doing the same thing; namely, interacting with other members at the same time in order to determine which person they want to invest more time and energy in. Here is an example of a polite way to stop corresponding with someone:

Dear [Name],

I'm so glad to have had the opportunity to correspond with you, but I need to stop corresponding at this time. There is another member I would like to spend more time getting to know. I am not sure if it will go anywhere further, but I believe I have to give it more of my time and energy. I am open to continuing to be in correspondence with you if you would like, but I felt it was important to tell you this. If you prefer not to correspond any further, I understand. I will be praying for you, and I ask that you pray for me. Thank you again for the times spent writing. It has been very flattering.

God bless you,
[Your name]

You can adjust this type of note in any way you wish. It really depends on whether you want to leave room or not to correspond again should it not work out with another member. If it did not work out with the other member and you wanted to get back in touch, you simply contact this person and say, "Just wanted you to know it did not work out with the member I told you about. I would love to correspond with you again, if you are open to it," and see what happens.

Some members correspond with many people at one time, and some can handle only one person at a time. Again, it all depends on what you are comfortable with. I just always ask that members not overextend themselves to the point of not being able to reply to a person in a timely manner. That would be rude, so we want to avoid that happening. Just at least say, "Got your message and will get back to you soon, thank you," or something like that. If you find it gets overwhelming, then decrease the amount of people you correspond with at one time and find your comfort zone.

Dear Anthony,

I am a new female member of Ave Maria Singles. If I am interested in initiating contact with a member, how should I word the first message? Can you give me an example?

For a woman making first contact, this should be done in a way that simply points out something of interest or that you noticed on the man's profile. For example, you might have been impressed with what he wrote about his devotion to the Blessed Mother. Just write a little something about what you noticed and impressed you. Here is a full example:

Dear [Name],

I wanted to contact you to tell you how impressed I was with what you wrote about your devotion to the Blessed Mother. It was really beautiful. I also have a strong devotion to her and can't imagine not being close to her. You are obviously close to her. I pray that she will always remain close to you.

God bless you,
[Your name]

The above note is enough to get a man's attention without sounding like you are "pursuing". If he is not interested or does not know what to do with a note like that, you will not hear from him and you just leave it at that. Do this kind of thing with any man you are interested in. Men need that little bit of leading and effort by women to show them they are welcome. A man who is interested will know what to do next, and he will take over the leading role from that point forward.