Dear Anthony,

What would you say is the appropriate amount of time to correspond with someone before meeting in person? And when should a person stop corresponding if there is no initiative to meet?

Two very good questions. Unfortunately, there is nothing absolute. Every situation is different. However, a woman always has to look for "commitment moves" from men in order to continue giving them credibility in this process. "Commitment moves" are signs of moving forward or that a man is capable of moving forward. The last thing a woman should do is waste her time with a man who just wants to hang out. And since women are not in a position to initially say "Are you a guy who will take steps toward commitment?", they have to be able to observe the signs and act accordingly.

With that said, I think there some general benchmarks that can help Catholics using online dating regarding when to meet in person and when to stop corresponding.

First, you have to be corresponding regularly to justify asking these questions. If you are only writing one exchange per week or more, you are not in a serious correspondence, and therefore do not have the first commitment move. You know you have someone you can potentially meet in person if you are writing each other many times per week.

Once you are writing a lot, it should not be more than four weeks before you should be at least "talking about" meeting in person, if not actually making plans to meet. At this point also there should be interest to talk by phone. Meeting in person should actually happen between one and two months of the initial written contact. If the man does not mention the idea of meeting in person after four weeks of regular correspondence, then you should be considering cutting things off. Again, there are no absolutes, so you have to consider the individual, but it is very rare that a man who is interested in a woman will put off the next level of pursuing after so long. If he is not asking about speaking on the phone, then it might be time to end it.

Now, by "end it", I don't necessarily mean cut off correspondence. What I really mean is to start seriously engaging in correspondence with other men and meeting them (which you should be doing anyway). Many times women allow themselves to believe that because they are involved in heavy written exchange with a man online that he is very interested in her, and she feels she should focus on just him. That's a bad idea! Again, women MUST look for commitment moves from men before they start to consider stepping back from others. If a woman senses a man is serious about pursuing her, she will wait for him. Men who hold back showing any signs of commitment (even the commitment to meet) might not be serious about making the commitment to marriage. So men have to step up and take risks and ACT!! This is the sign a woman needs to stick around. Women who stick around anyway in the "hope" he will act are just setting themselves up for being hurt and wasting valuable time. Maybe he will come around eventually, but from my experience it rarely happens, and so many women have been hurt because the man never showed further interest. Then they wonder why the correspondence suddenly ended.

What if after several weeks of heavy correspondence he does not talk about speaking on the phone or meeting in person, but you really like him? This is tricky for a woman to do, but you should consider giving him a nudge by mentioning that you are open to talking by phone or meeting in person if he is. Men sometimes need just that little sign from a woman before they have confidence enough to take on a more firm leadership role. But after that first time, you should not do it again. Men are not attracted to women who continuously try to lead things along. It can be interpreted as being pushy or seeming desperate, etc. Give the man a nudge and then let it him take over.

If you don't get any serious interest from him as a result, then you should consider saying something like, "I have enjoyed corresponding with you and would like to get to know you more, but I am not open to just writing and believe that meeting in person is the best way to get to know if something more serious is possible to develop with someone."

A wise man will take this as a sign to step up, and a good man who doesn't want to lose the opportunity with a good woman will do the stepping up. A weak, indecisive man will fizzle away. And then you will have wasted only a month of your time and not many months, or years, for that matter. Some men will feel rejected by this. But that would be a foolish response, because a note like that clearly indicates you are interested and want a commitment move, otherwise you can't waste your time. I say this because I also know that many women are nervous to make this kind of statement out of concern that the man will be scared off and correspondence will stop (which is not a good feeling). But please be assured, a good man will be refreshed to hear this kind of thing from a woman and his respect level will increase.

Sometimes men do not see any rush for anything in their life, including meeting a woman in person. They can have bad reasons why they are not open to meeting women in person, even on a site like Ave Maria Singles that is meant for marriage-minded, committed Catholic singles. It could be they don't want to spend any money on meeting someone in person (especially if it means traveling a long distance). Perhaps they like the feeling of dialoguing with women in writing but are not comfortable meeting in person. I have heard lots of reasons why men put off making the very first basic "commitment move" of meeting in person or talking on the phone. Some are flat-out afraid to meet women in person. Some don't want to make the financial investment required to date a woman, especially if it means traveling to meet, including long distances. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that many men are not making the move to meet. I know of one of our couples who were not able to meet for six months at first. But they were talking about it almost right away. He was serious about meeting, but they had legitimate circumstances that kept it from happening. But they were talking on the phone and making plans to meet at the opportune time.

I really feel that a man should never enter into a correspondence with a woman in an online Catholic dating situation unless he is prepared to meet her in person if things go well in writing. It's not really fair to get a woman's hopes up only to end up saying (or not saying, but just not acting) that he can't meet in person.

So don't set yourself up for being hurt by allowing him to prolong your corresponding or by putting too much hope in his making a move. Women have only themselves to blame for letting it go on for so long. Men subconsciously don't respect a woman that lets them get away with not acting on the relationship properly or taking risks in the name of finding their future spouse. If a woman will let a man do nothing serious or say anything that shows a move toward a serious relationship or marriage itself, then he might still write to her because he enjoys the attention and feeling of a woman interested in him, but he will never respect her enough to pursue her.

My opinion of the general rule of thumb for online dating is that you should be talking seriously about meeting in person after a month of writing, talking on the phone by the end of that month, and meeting in person within one to two months. Once you meet in person, if there is desire to continue the relationship, then meet in person at least every two weeks for a couple of concentrated days together (this is primarily for long-distance relationships where travel is necessary). It should take only two months of meeting every two weeks (if the time is spent wisely; namely, with a lot of talking, sharing life goals and vision, worshipping together, meeting family and friends, asking good questions, etc.) to know if you want to be exclusive with each other (courtship), which is then a time period in which you determine if there is any reason you should NOT get engaged to be married.

Dear Anthony,

What would you say is the appropriate amount of time to correspond with someone before meeting in person? And when should a person stop corresponding if there is no initiative to meet?

Two very good questions. Unfortunately, there is nothing absolute. Every situation is different. However, a woman always has to look for "commitment moves" from men in order to continue giving them credibility in this process. "Commitment moves" are signs of moving forward or that a man is capable of moving forward. The last thing a woman should do is waste her time with a man who just wants to hang out. And since women are not in a position to initially say "Are you a guy who will take steps toward commitment?", they have to be able to observe the signs and act accordingly.

With that said, I think there some general benchmarks that can help Catholics using online dating regarding when to meet in person and when to stop corresponding.

First, you have to be corresponding regularly to justify asking these questions. If you are only writing one exchange per week or more, you are not in a serious correspondence, and therefore do not have the first commitment move. You know you have someone you can potentially meet in person if you are writing each other many times per week.

Once you are writing a lot, it should not be more than four weeks before you should be at least "talking about" meeting in person, if not actually making plans to meet. At this point also there should be interest to talk by phone. Meeting in person should actually happen between one and two months of the initial written contact. If the man does not mention the idea of meeting in person after four weeks of regular correspondence, then you should be considering cutting things off. Again, there are no absolutes, so you have to consider the individual, but it is very rare that a man who is interested in a woman will put off the next level of pursuing after so long. If he is not asking about speaking on the phone, then it might be time to end it.

Now, by "end it", I don't necessarily mean cut off correspondence. What I really mean is to start seriously engaging in correspondence with other men and meeting them (which you should be doing anyway). Many times women allow themselves to believe that because they are involved in heavy written exchange with a man online that he is very interested in her, and she feels she should focus on just him. That's a bad idea! Again, women MUST look for commitment moves from men before they start to consider stepping back from others. If a woman senses a man is serious about pursuing her, she will wait for him. Men who hold back showing any signs of commitment (even the commitment to meet) might not be serious about making the commitment to marriage. So men have to step up and take risks and ACT!! This is the sign a woman needs to stick around. Women who stick around anyway in the "hope" he will act are just setting themselves up for being hurt and wasting valuable time. Maybe he will come around eventually, but from my experience it rarely happens, and so many women have been hurt because the man never showed further interest. Then they wonder why the correspondence suddenly ended.

What if after several weeks of heavy correspondence he does not talk about speaking on the phone or meeting in person, but you really like him? This is tricky for a woman to do, but you should consider giving him a nudge by mentioning that you are open to talking by phone or meeting in person if he is. Men sometimes need just that little sign from a woman before they have confidence enough to take on a more firm leadership role. But after that first time, you should not do it again. Men are not attracted to women who continuously try to lead things along. It can be interpreted as being pushy or seeming desperate, etc. Give the man a nudge and then let it him take over.

If you don't get any serious interest from him as a result, then you should consider saying something like, "I have enjoyed corresponding with you and would like to get to know you more, but I am not open to just writing and believe that meeting in person is the best way to get to know if something more serious is possible to develop with someone."

A wise man will take this as a sign to step up, and a good man who doesn't want to lose the opportunity with a good woman will do the stepping up. A weak, indecisive man will fizzle away. And then you will have wasted only a month of your time and not many months, or years, for that matter. Some men will feel rejected by this. But that would be a foolish response, because a note like that clearly indicates you are interested and want a commitment move, otherwise you can't waste your time. I say this because I also know that many women are nervous to make this kind of statement out of concern that the man will be scared off and correspondence will stop (which is not a good feeling). But please be assured, a good man will be refreshed to hear this kind of thing from a woman and his respect level will increase.

Sometimes men do not see any rush for anything in their life, including meeting a woman in person. They can have bad reasons why they are not open to meeting women in person, even on a site like Ave Maria Singles that is meant for marriage-minded, committed Catholic singles. It could be they don't want to spend any money on meeting someone in person (especially if it means traveling a long distance). Perhaps they like the feeling of dialoguing with women in writing but are not comfortable meeting in person. I have heard lots of reasons why men put off making the very first basic "commitment move" of meeting in person or talking on the phone. Some are flat-out afraid to meet women in person. Some don't want to make the financial investment required to date a woman, especially if it means traveling to meet, including long distances. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that many men are not making the move to meet. I know of one of our couples who were not able to meet for six months at first. But they were talking about it almost right away. He was serious about meeting, but they had legitimate circumstances that kept it from happening. But they were talking on the phone and making plans to meet at the opportune time.

I really feel that a man should never enter into a correspondence with a woman in an online Catholic dating situation unless he is prepared to meet her in person if things go well in writing. It's not really fair to get a woman's hopes up only to end up saying (or not saying, but just not acting) that he can't meet in person.

So don't set yourself up for being hurt by allowing him to prolong your corresponding or by putting too much hope in his making a move. Women have only themselves to blame for letting it go on for so long. Men subconsciously don't respect a woman that lets them get away with not acting on the relationship properly or taking risks in the name of finding their future spouse. If a woman will let a man do nothing serious or say anything that shows a move toward a serious relationship or marriage itself, then he might still write to her because he enjoys the attention and feeling of a woman interested in him, but he will never respect her enough to pursue her.

My opinion of the general rule of thumb for online dating is that you should be talking seriously about meeting in person after a month of writing, talking on the phone by the end of that month, and meeting in person within one to two months. Once you meet in person, if there is desire to continue the relationship, then meet in person at least every two weeks for a couple of concentrated days together (this is primarily for long-distance relationships where travel is necessary). It should take only two months of meeting every two weeks (if the time is spent wisely; namely, with a lot of talking, sharing life goals and vision, worshipping together, meeting family and friends, asking good questions, etc.) to know if you want to be exclusive with each other (courtship), which is then a time period in which you determine if there is any reason you should NOT get engaged to be married.

Dear Anthony,

After a slow start on Ave Maria Singles, I’m now somewhat overwhelmed with corresponding with several women at once. It’s hard for me to turn anyone away. I don’t want to spread myself too thin, yet I don’t want to lose an opportunity with a new person either. How many would you say is too many to be writing to at the same time?

Great question. I'm glad you are having this problem :-) It's certainly better than no correspondences. I'm glad you are being conscientious about this situation. You definitely don't want to make anyone feel hurt or bad.

Regarding how many to write to at one time, my answer is to dialogue with as many as you can handle. I am a strong advocate of putting yourself out there to interact with as many single persons as you can in order to discover (and it IS a discovering process) the person you want to focus your efforts on toward seriousness. It might happen that you start narrowing down those you take more effort with, until you finally get to the point where there is one person you want to devote your entire attention to. Then, once you are in a "serious" relationship (which means you are exclusive), you enter "courtship" (which is the process of moving toward engagement to be married by discovering if there is any reason you should NOT marry this person).

I guess that does not answer your question exactly. That is because it is different for each person. Some people just can't handle writing to more than one person at a time. For some, it will be two or three. Then there are those who are so dedicated to the process of finding someone that they invest a lot of time in corresponding with many, many people and narrow it down as rapidly as possible. But this anxiousness can backfire. So many men take the inappropriate (and self-destructive) route of copying and pasting some very short, insincere, generic note that women can spot right away and are turned off by. For example: "Hi, saw your profile, write me if you want," or something like that. It is critical that your initial contacts makes sense if you are going to write to many people. If you plan to write something like I just gave as an example, then don't bother writing at all. No one (especially women) likes getting an initial contact from someone that shows no evidence of even reading their profile. It is a turnoff and will get you nowhere, as well as waste your time.

A great initial contact is at least a good paragraph or two that shares something about what you liked about their profile as well as something about yourself. For women who don't like initiating a contact, their strategy is to briefly share something she liked about his profile and leave it at that. A man knows what to do with that. If he doesn't, then he is not for her. At any rate, keeping dialogue with several or many members is challenging. But unless it can be done in a way that shows real interest and sincerity (and not like you are saying the same thing to everyone), then it can't be very effective. In other words, every message to someone should be customized to that person. Everyone, especially a woman, needs to feel unique and special. After all, the person you marry has to be someone who stands out above the rest. A well-written message will go a long way in making someone feel that way, and help with the chances of finding the person you are praying for.

This is the nature of meeting someone online. It's a lot of work, so it has to be carefully done, and you have to choose how many you write to at a practical level so this level of attention and customization can be maintained. It's hard to do this in person specifically because once in person, you are automatically at a more intimate level and you are dealing your time that demands more of the "physical presence". Until you meet people in person (which should be the goal of anyone you start writing to), you just keep writing to people who seem interesting and trying to discover who you more inclined to want to meet in person.

It should not take more than a month or two to meet someone in person. Otherwise, you risk wasting your time and the other person's time with endless written dialogue. Once you start meeting people in person, you realistically cannot manage more than one to three people at a time.

As for what to say to those you are no longer interested in, again, this is the nature of meeting someone online. Everyone has to know that everyone else is doing the same kind of scrutinizing in their searches and decisions about corresponding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "I think you are very interesting, but it would not be fair to you if I wrote any further because I am writing to a few people now. I would like to see where they lead. But if they do not lead anywhere, it would be an honor to correspond with you. I hope you understand. I will pray for you. Please pray for me." I'm sure many members will agree that just getting any reply at all would be an improvement. So writing some reply is great, but writing something like this is even better.

Anyone who does not appreciate a reply like that is not cut out for online dating. They should just do what they can to meet people offline wherever they can. It takes thick skin and a real commitment to the process in order to have success with online dating. It is not right for people to take anything "personally". No one is deliberately out to get anyone else. They just want to meet the one person they are praying for toward marriage. At the same time, you (and others) should not feel bad about having to tell members you do not have the capability of writing. No need to say "not interested." Rather, say you would be interested in writing if you were not doing so with others, and will be open to doing so if circumstances change.

Dear Anthony,

After a slow start on Ave Maria Singles, I’m now somewhat overwhelmed with corresponding with several women at once. It’s hard for me to turn anyone away. I don’t want to spread myself too thin, yet I don’t want to lose an opportunity with a new person either. How many would you say is too many to be writing to at the same time?

Great question. I'm glad you are having this problem :-) It's certainly better than no correspondences. I'm glad you are being conscientious about this situation. You definitely don't want to make anyone feel hurt or bad.

Regarding how many to write to at one time, my answer is to dialogue with as many as you can handle. I am a strong advocate of putting yourself out there to interact with as many single persons as you can in order to discover (and it IS a discovering process) the person you want to focus your efforts on toward seriousness. It might happen that you start narrowing down those you take more effort with, until you finally get to the point where there is one person you want to devote your entire attention to. Then, once you are in a "serious" relationship (which means you are exclusive), you enter "courtship" (which is the process of moving toward engagement to be married by discovering if there is any reason you should NOT marry this person).

I guess that does not answer your question exactly. That is because it is different for each person. Some people just can't handle writing to more than one person at a time. For some, it will be two or three. Then there are those who are so dedicated to the process of finding someone that they invest a lot of time in corresponding with many, many people and narrow it down as rapidly as possible. But this anxiousness can backfire. So many men take the inappropriate (and self-destructive) route of copying and pasting some very short, insincere, generic note that women can spot right away and are turned off by. For example: "Hi, saw your profile, write me if you want," or something like that. It is critical that your initial contacts makes sense if you are going to write to many people. If you plan to write something like I just gave as an example, then don't bother writing at all. No one (especially women) likes getting an initial contact from someone that shows no evidence of even reading their profile. It is a turnoff and will get you nowhere, as well as waste your time.

A great initial contact is at least a good paragraph or two that shares something about what you liked about their profile as well as something about yourself. For women who don't like initiating a contact, their strategy is to briefly share something she liked about his profile and leave it at that. A man knows what to do with that. If he doesn't, then he is not for her. At any rate, keeping dialogue with several or many members is challenging. But unless it can be done in a way that shows real interest and sincerity (and not like you are saying the same thing to everyone), then it can't be very effective. In other words, every message to someone should be customized to that person. Everyone, especially a woman, needs to feel unique and special. After all, the person you marry has to be someone who stands out above the rest. A well-written message will go a long way in making someone feel that way, and help with the chances of finding the person you are praying for.

This is the nature of meeting someone online. It's a lot of work, so it has to be carefully done, and you have to choose how many you write to at a practical level so this level of attention and customization can be maintained. It's hard to do this in person specifically because once in person, you are automatically at a more intimate level and you are dealing your time that demands more of the "physical presence". Until you meet people in person (which should be the goal of anyone you start writing to), you just keep writing to people who seem interesting and trying to discover who you more inclined to want to meet in person.

It should not take more than a month or two to meet someone in person. Otherwise, you risk wasting your time and the other person's time with endless written dialogue. Once you start meeting people in person, you realistically cannot manage more than one to three people at a time.

As for what to say to those you are no longer interested in, again, this is the nature of meeting someone online. Everyone has to know that everyone else is doing the same kind of scrutinizing in their searches and decisions about corresponding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "I think you are very interesting, but it would not be fair to you if I wrote any further because I am writing to a few people now. I would like to see where they lead. But if they do not lead anywhere, it would be an honor to correspond with you. I hope you understand. I will pray for you. Please pray for me." I'm sure many members will agree that just getting any reply at all would be an improvement. So writing some reply is great, but writing something like this is even better.

Anyone who does not appreciate a reply like that is not cut out for online dating. They should just do what they can to meet people offline wherever they can. It takes thick skin and a real commitment to the process in order to have success with online dating. It is not right for people to take anything "personally". No one is deliberately out to get anyone else. They just want to meet the one person they are praying for toward marriage. At the same time, you (and others) should not feel bad about having to tell members you do not have the capability of writing. No need to say "not interested." Rather, say you would be interested in writing if you were not doing so with others, and will be open to doing so if circumstances change.

Dear Anthony,
 
I've been dating a man for quite some time and our relationship is getting serious. I'm wondering if I need to be concerned about our sexual compatibility. What if we discover after marrying that one of us has a low sex drive and the other has a high sex drive? Would such a difference affect our happiness as a married couple?
 
Sexual tension is a huge reason why people get married. It is typically a good sign that you want to be with each other overall. Those who have sex before marriage have wasted the opportunity to know if there is “real love” there, because the sexual desire that is controlled before marriage helps prove true love. If there is sex before marriage, then you can never really know what is love and what is not.

Anyway, since you are not having any sexual expression, I would guess you both have a strong sense of wanting to be together overall. My question would be, at this point, what is keeping you from getting married? Is there still really anything to determine? The sexual fulfillment AFTER marriage thing is not appropriate to consider. We are social beings who have sex to express our love. We are not sexual beings who have sex to express who we really are. And marriage is certainly not about “getting”, it is about “giving”. If two “giving” people come together in marriage, the sexual expression in marriage will be beautiful no matter what happens. If one of the two has a “strong” sex drive, there may be some counseling needed for that person, or at least a good spiritual director to help that person get through. It is NOT that the one with less drive should step up, but rather that the one with the stronger drive needs to step down, or calm down (as the case may be).

Sex in marriage should be mutual and loving and tender. It does NOT necessarily mean it has to be overly passionate or erotic. Those can be distortions of true married love. There will be times when the sexual expression is very passionate. But there will also be times when it is not so passionate, when it is quick, or even when it is one-sided as to who is interested. God willing, no matter what, it is very beautiful in its gentleness and tenderness. A strong sex drive should not mean enslavement or “need”. That would be unhealthy. A healthy sense of a strong sex drive is that you desire to be close to the spouse. The “wild sex” notion typically attributed to strong sex drive is not for Christians. That is something for people who have become distorted, and something distorted perhaps that the media has portrayed.
 
Again, there will be passionate times, but you be amazed how much of married sexual intimacy is not genital. Smiling eyes, flirting, holding hands, an affectionate touch or hug, etc. It is arguable that these moments are the most sexual part of marriage and the aspects of sexuality that lead to the deeper relationship. Genital sex is very often the end result of all that buildup. And it does not have to have anything to do with “drive”.
 
It is also important to point out that most of married life is NOT spent in genital sexual activity, so there should not be much stock put into the “performance” aspect of sex in marriage. It just does not happen that much. So best to make sure you are married to someone you can have a conversation with and enjoy everyday life with, above the sexual drive toward that person. That is a surefire way to get disappointed, and then it trickles into all aspects of a perfectly good marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. Sexual expression in marriage is not only important, it is critical. But I think sometimes people think that the strong impulse and much passion expression is the true expression of love. No. True love seeks to serve, and that includes the bedroom. If the person you are serving in marriage does not want the level of sexual expression you want, then love dictates that you subdue personal desire and enjoy what the other wants.

But if you are hoping the spouse will do the same for you (namely, wanting to serve your needs), that is not the right attitude either. As a spouse, you are not only seeking to serve the other, but you are also seeking help the spouse not be put in a position they are uncomfortable with. In other words, you cannot expect your spouse to step up and serve your needs in a way they are incapable of or not comfortable with.

I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that you should talk about this with the man you’re seeing if it is a major thing to you. Talk now so that whichever of you has the strong sex drive, that person will have shared this information and give the other an opportunity to consider if this is something that could make or break the marriage. You don’t want to be going into the marriage without full disclosure about things that matter to each of you. That is just a time bomb waiting to go off. But when unforeseen things come up or happen in marriage (which they most certainly do), you cannot say, “This is not what I signed up for” and give any thought to ending it. No, you must stay and fulfill your duty. And there is always a way to find joy in the decision to love for a lifetime.

When we "want", we suffer. When we "serve", we have peace and joy.

Dear Anthony,
 
I've been dating a man for quite some time and our relationship is getting serious. I'm wondering if I need to be concerned about our sexual compatibility. What if we discover after marrying that one of us has a low sex drive and the other has a high sex drive? Would such a difference affect our happiness as a married couple?
 
Sexual tension is a huge reason why people get married. It is typically a good sign that you want to be with each other overall. Those who have sex before marriage have wasted the opportunity to know if there is “real love” there, because the sexual desire that is controlled before marriage helps prove true love. If there is sex before marriage, then you can never really know what is love and what is not.

Anyway, since you are not having any sexual expression, I would guess you both have a strong sense of wanting to be together overall. My question would be, at this point, what is keeping you from getting married? Is there still really anything to determine? The sexual fulfillment AFTER marriage thing is not appropriate to consider. We are social beings who have sex to express our love. We are not sexual beings who have sex to express who we really are. And marriage is certainly not about “getting”, it is about “giving”. If two “giving” people come together in marriage, the sexual expression in marriage will be beautiful no matter what happens. If one of the two has a “strong” sex drive, there may be some counseling needed for that person, or at least a good spiritual director to help that person get through. It is NOT that the one with less drive should step up, but rather that the one with the stronger drive needs to step down, or calm down (as the case may be).

Sex in marriage should be mutual and loving and tender. It does NOT necessarily mean it has to be overly passionate or erotic. Those can be distortions of true married love. There will be times when the sexual expression is very passionate. But there will also be times when it is not so passionate, when it is quick, or even when it is one-sided as to who is interested. God willing, no matter what, it is very beautiful in its gentleness and tenderness. A strong sex drive should not mean enslavement or “need”. That would be unhealthy. A healthy sense of a strong sex drive is that you desire to be close to the spouse. The “wild sex” notion typically attributed to strong sex drive is not for Christians. That is something for people who have become distorted, and something distorted perhaps that the media has portrayed.
 
Again, there will be passionate times, but you be amazed how much of married sexual intimacy is not genital. Smiling eyes, flirting, holding hands, an affectionate touch or hug, etc. It is arguable that these moments are the most sexual part of marriage and the aspects of sexuality that lead to the deeper relationship. Genital sex is very often the end result of all that buildup. And it does not have to have anything to do with “drive”.
 
It is also important to point out that most of married life is NOT spent in genital sexual activity, so there should not be much stock put into the “performance” aspect of sex in marriage. It just does not happen that much. So best to make sure you are married to someone you can have a conversation with and enjoy everyday life with, above the sexual drive toward that person. That is a surefire way to get disappointed, and then it trickles into all aspects of a perfectly good marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. Sexual expression in marriage is not only important, it is critical. But I think sometimes people think that the strong impulse and much passion expression is the true expression of love. No. True love seeks to serve, and that includes the bedroom. If the person you are serving in marriage does not want the level of sexual expression you want, then love dictates that you subdue personal desire and enjoy what the other wants.

But if you are hoping the spouse will do the same for you (namely, wanting to serve your needs), that is not the right attitude either. As a spouse, you are not only seeking to serve the other, but you are also seeking help the spouse not be put in a position they are uncomfortable with. In other words, you cannot expect your spouse to step up and serve your needs in a way they are incapable of or not comfortable with.

I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that you should talk about this with the man you’re seeing if it is a major thing to you. Talk now so that whichever of you has the strong sex drive, that person will have shared this information and give the other an opportunity to consider if this is something that could make or break the marriage. You don’t want to be going into the marriage without full disclosure about things that matter to each of you. That is just a time bomb waiting to go off. But when unforeseen things come up or happen in marriage (which they most certainly do), you cannot say, “This is not what I signed up for” and give any thought to ending it. No, you must stay and fulfill your duty. And there is always a way to find joy in the decision to love for a lifetime.

When we "want", we suffer. When we "serve", we have peace and joy.

Dear Anthony,
 
I just met with someone I have been writing to on Ave Maria Singles and I just was not attracted to him. But he is very nice and has great qualities. I guess I was expecting to be more attracted to him than I am. If it’s not there, meeting again doesn’t make sense, right?

Just to be clear, I am assuming you mean “physically” attracted to him, because it sounds like you have a lot of attraction for him because of the great qualities you suggested you find in him. So it is possible to be very attracted to a person that you have no “physical” attraction to.
 
And therein lies the dilemma of the modern single person, including Catholics. Everyone wants to marry a person who has it all: great personality, good character, wonderful qualities, and (of course) great-looking! It is the “great-looking” part that has so many Catholics concerned.

On one hand, they want to believe that they are not so shallow as to need a great- looking person when it should be what is inside a person that matters most. On the other hand, there is something unexplainable but very real that is inside them that will resist moving toward intimacy if they just don’t feel a strong attraction to them physically.
 
Ultimately, you have to be physically attracted to the person you marry. And frankly, this is actually the primary way God designed how marriages take place and babies come into the world. What I am referring to is the use of our sexual gifts. God has brilliantly designed us so that we would desire a member of the opposite sex and that desire would provide a natural movement toward intimacy that will lead to conception of babies and the bonding of the two persons engaging in those physical- union experiences. The brilliance of this design is that He knew that if we did not have the “desire” or “passion” as part of the sexual experience, then people would not do it and babies would not be conceived. He also brilliantly commanded that a man leave his father and mother and cling to his “WIFE” and the two shall become one flesh. In other words, his plan is that mankind marry and bond permanently and indissolubly in order to lawfully ACT on our sexual desires and passions.
 
Our sexuality is very much connected to our whole person, not just the inside. In fact, it is a very “sacramental principle” to be attracted to another person sexually. Just because a person is a strong practicing Catholic does not mean you could marry them. There is more to it than religious conviction. Just as the Sacraments and Sacramentals use externals to draw us toward an inner and hidden mystery, so it is with how two people come together toward the intimacy of close friendship, and ultimately in marriage.
 
The person you marry will be one person who has come along in your life that becomes someone you desire to know better and have a deeper relationship with. It is a person about whom you one day say, “I cannot imagine living my life without that person in it.” Physical attraction plays a major role in that mystery of how two people come together in marriage, because there is a desire to want to be physically close to that person (i.e., sexual desire). That movement is what should make two people contact the local pastor of their church and make wedding plans.
 
Now the tricky part. Should you have this physical attraction immediately for you to know whether to continue seeing a person or not? The answer is no. In fact, many people do not have physical attraction kick in until the other attractive aspects of the person turn into something that makes you more attracted. In other words, spending time with a person is how deeper attraction grows, and that deeper attraction of the person’s qualities that are within and displayed in personality and character can spark (because of the mystery of love that comes from God) a physical attraction that was not there before.
 
Call it an “unveiling”. Everyone in a relationship (especially the woman) wants to feel like they are unique, special, one-of-a-kind. And when intimacy takes place (close friendship), this is in fact what happens. And for a man and a woman, becoming close friends naturally leads to a desire for more. But again, that desire for more often times is an awakening; a realization of something you did not know before; recognition of something you did not see before. The heart moves and speaks, and the eyes open to mystery that goes beyond mere material physical attributes. The physical attraction is now there. And it is unique to the two individuals.
 
That is what is so hard about objective physical beauty. How do they know when someone is “really and truly” interested in who they are, not just what they look like? It can be a real curse to be objectively beautiful. I have had solid Catholic women who are very gorgeous tell me heartbreaking stories of their difficulties finding true love.
 
And it makes sense. A gorgeous woman is attractive to “every” guy. So what? What does that tell her? What does that tell the guys? Only that nature is working. But it tells nothing of the mystery of love.
 
Attraction toward marriage is about a unique experience of two people for each other that does not desire an ending, but rather longs for what is next. Time tests this, and a mind open to people who come in our life that God sends is imperative. In addition, the prayerful work of dismantling any distorted approach we have to physical attraction is needed for many. Too many single people, especially men, have too dangerous of a tendency to make physical objective beauty the benchmark of their determination of another. This is a mistake!
 
So many have been surprised by love in their life with a person they came to discover they long to be with, and that the mystery of love’s movements stirring in the heart over time caused them to have physical attraction that perhaps was not there, or was not as strong as they would have liked.
 
Time is the answer. Give people “time” before you make a final conclusion about attraction. You might be surprised whom you discover is really in your midst. Your vocation to marriage may very well depend on this cautious approach to love.

Dear Anthony,
 
I just met with someone I have been writing to on Ave Maria Singles and I just was not attracted to him. But he is very nice and has great qualities. I guess I was expecting to be more attracted to him than I am. If it’s not there, meeting again doesn’t make sense, right?

Just to be clear, I am assuming you mean “physically” attracted to him, because it sounds like you have a lot of attraction for him because of the great qualities you suggested you find in him. So it is possible to be very attracted to a person that you have no “physical” attraction to.
 
And therein lies the dilemma of the modern single person, including Catholics. Everyone wants to marry a person who has it all: great personality, good character, wonderful qualities, and (of course) great-looking! It is the “great-looking” part that has so many Catholics concerned.

On one hand, they want to believe that they are not so shallow as to need a great- looking person when it should be what is inside a person that matters most. On the other hand, there is something unexplainable but very real that is inside them that will resist moving toward intimacy if they just don’t feel a strong attraction to them physically.
 
Ultimately, you have to be physically attracted to the person you marry. And frankly, this is actually the primary way God designed how marriages take place and babies come into the world. What I am referring to is the use of our sexual gifts. God has brilliantly designed us so that we would desire a member of the opposite sex and that desire would provide a natural movement toward intimacy that will lead to conception of babies and the bonding of the two persons engaging in those physical- union experiences. The brilliance of this design is that He knew that if we did not have the “desire” or “passion” as part of the sexual experience, then people would not do it and babies would not be conceived. He also brilliantly commanded that a man leave his father and mother and cling to his “WIFE” and the two shall become one flesh. In other words, his plan is that mankind marry and bond permanently and indissolubly in order to lawfully ACT on our sexual desires and passions.
 
Our sexuality is very much connected to our whole person, not just the inside. In fact, it is a very “sacramental principle” to be attracted to another person sexually. Just because a person is a strong practicing Catholic does not mean you could marry them. There is more to it than religious conviction. Just as the Sacraments and Sacramentals use externals to draw us toward an inner and hidden mystery, so it is with how two people come together toward the intimacy of close friendship, and ultimately in marriage.
 
The person you marry will be one person who has come along in your life that becomes someone you desire to know better and have a deeper relationship with. It is a person about whom you one day say, “I cannot imagine living my life without that person in it.” Physical attraction plays a major role in that mystery of how two people come together in marriage, because there is a desire to want to be physically close to that person (i.e., sexual desire). That movement is what should make two people contact the local pastor of their church and make wedding plans.
 
Now the tricky part. Should you have this physical attraction immediately for you to know whether to continue seeing a person or not? The answer is no. In fact, many people do not have physical attraction kick in until the other attractive aspects of the person turn into something that makes you more attracted. In other words, spending time with a person is how deeper attraction grows, and that deeper attraction of the person’s qualities that are within and displayed in personality and character can spark (because of the mystery of love that comes from God) a physical attraction that was not there before.
 
Call it an “unveiling”. Everyone in a relationship (especially the woman) wants to feel like they are unique, special, one-of-a-kind. And when intimacy takes place (close friendship), this is in fact what happens. And for a man and a woman, becoming close friends naturally leads to a desire for more. But again, that desire for more often times is an awakening; a realization of something you did not know before; recognition of something you did not see before. The heart moves and speaks, and the eyes open to mystery that goes beyond mere material physical attributes. The physical attraction is now there. And it is unique to the two individuals.
 
That is what is so hard about objective physical beauty. How do they know when someone is “really and truly” interested in who they are, not just what they look like? It can be a real curse to be objectively beautiful. I have had solid Catholic women who are very gorgeous tell me heartbreaking stories of their difficulties finding true love.
 
And it makes sense. A gorgeous woman is attractive to “every” guy. So what? What does that tell her? What does that tell the guys? Only that nature is working. But it tells nothing of the mystery of love.
 
Attraction toward marriage is about a unique experience of two people for each other that does not desire an ending, but rather longs for what is next. Time tests this, and a mind open to people who come in our life that God sends is imperative. In addition, the prayerful work of dismantling any distorted approach we have to physical attraction is needed for many. Too many single people, especially men, have too dangerous of a tendency to make physical objective beauty the benchmark of their determination of another. This is a mistake!
 
So many have been surprised by love in their life with a person they came to discover they long to be with, and that the mystery of love’s movements stirring in the heart over time caused them to have physical attraction that perhaps was not there, or was not as strong as they would have liked.
 
Time is the answer. Give people “time” before you make a final conclusion about attraction. You might be surprised whom you discover is really in your midst. Your vocation to marriage may very well depend on this cautious approach to love.

Dear Anthony,

I have always felt that God has one person in mind for me and He will make sure I meet that person. But I am now 38 years old and Mr. Right has still not come along. Am I wrong to believe God has a hand in bringing me the person He wants me to be with?

No, you are not wrong to believe that. God is always involved with all aspects of our lives. It's no different with the vocation to marriage. He influences the people we will come into contact with and how we come into contact. God does help with finding a suitable partner. In fact, we say in the marriage ceremony "What God has brought together, let no man put asunder."

But all too often, we human beings have a tendency toward self-destructive tendencies. In other words, we do stupid things. Unwise actions and decisions (or lack of making decisions at all) affect the vocation to marriage we are called to, just as these would affect any other important part of our lives. This happens because of selfishness. We want what we want. But what does God want? If He wants us married, then He wants to help make that happen, and wants it to happen sooner rather than later.

God does NOT have one set person for us to marry. Rather, He influences our coming into contact with potentially suitable partners. We must have our senses and our hearts open to who these potential future spouses are, and take the actions necessary to discovering which is the one that the mystery of love will work in our hearts. How God brings two specific people together is a mystery. But we are very much involved, and it is ultimately our decision.

The free-will consent of both persons to each other on the day of the wedding is what confects the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. The "free will" means it is our choice, and God then blesses the decision. In this decision is also the forsaking of all others. That means there could have been someone else, but this is your choice for the rest of your life.

It's a mystery how God is both an influence and also a spectator. He is very much involved in helping you find someone, but He awaits the decision of the two he has helped. Therefore, unfortunately, it does happen that, because of free will, two people that God helped do NOT come together in marriage. Is this the end for either? No! God continues to work because the vocational call is too important. There can be someone else willing to make that commitment (free-will consent) to love for a lifetime.

As long as there is free will, there will always be marriages that do not happen that should have. I do personally believe that a person can miss out on their best hope for marriage by their free-will decision in the past to say no to someone who was a good, suitable partner. It does not mean it is over, it just means it might become that much more difficult, or might take longer than we hope, etc.

God is not going to just send someone "despite" our efforts, but rather in "conjunction" with our efforts. We have to get into environments that make sense for meeting good, single Catholics. Otherwise, God's job is much harder. It's not impossible, but it is harder. For example, if you live in an area where there are hardly any Catholics, and you are unwilling to move or unwilling to travel to meet someone, then you are forcing God to perform a miracle. We have to do our part. God helps those who help themselves.

Let us not blame God for not bringing us "the one". It is probably our own fault, whether it is because we are too busy to make time for dating, or our expectations are too high, or we want everything to be perfect, or we want marriage on our own terms and time frame. If you are to be married, then you have to get on with it, and do whatever is necessary to find a suitable partner.

Start by realizing there are many people out there who will make a wonderful (and suitable) marriage partner for the purposes of marriage; namely, mutual love and bringing children into the world for God's glory. God is not completely absent from this process either, so know that God is always the one who brings people into your life. Pay attention to who comes along. Don't discount people quickly. Be ready to open your heart to a good man or good woman. Don't pass up on a good one just because you think someone better might be out there. Get your parents involved, too. They can tell if you are with the right or wrong person. More times than not, a parent ends up saying, "What was wrong with that one?" because their child just broke up with someone who was wonderful and for seemingly no good reason. It was probably a dumb reason, too.

Today, you need to be "heroic" in your efforts. These are not easy times to be single and Catholic. Finding a suitable partner might be costly (in the time commitment as well as financially). But it is all worth it in the end when you are loving one person and know you are doing what God wants you to be doing.

Dear Anthony,

I have always felt that God has one person in mind for me and He will make sure I meet that person. But I am now 38 years old and Mr. Right has still not come along. Am I wrong to believe God has a hand in bringing me the person He wants me to be with?

No, you are not wrong to believe that. God is always involved with all aspects of our lives. It's no different with the vocation to marriage. He influences the people we will come into contact with and how we come into contact. God does help with finding a suitable partner. In fact, we say in the marriage ceremony "What God has brought together, let no man put asunder."

But all too often, we human beings have a tendency toward self-destructive tendencies. In other words, we do stupid things. Unwise actions and decisions (or lack of making decisions at all) affect the vocation to marriage we are called to, just as these would affect any other important part of our lives. This happens because of selfishness. We want what we want. But what does God want? If He wants us married, then He wants to help make that happen, and wants it to happen sooner rather than later.

God does NOT have one set person for us to marry. Rather, He influences our coming into contact with potentially suitable partners. We must have our senses and our hearts open to who these potential future spouses are, and take the actions necessary to discovering which is the one that the mystery of love will work in our hearts. How God brings two specific people together is a mystery. But we are very much involved, and it is ultimately our decision.

The free-will consent of both persons to each other on the day of the wedding is what confects the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. The "free will" means it is our choice, and God then blesses the decision. In this decision is also the forsaking of all others. That means there could have been someone else, but this is your choice for the rest of your life.

It's a mystery how God is both an influence and also a spectator. He is very much involved in helping you find someone, but He awaits the decision of the two he has helped. Therefore, unfortunately, it does happen that, because of free will, two people that God helped do NOT come together in marriage. Is this the end for either? No! God continues to work because the vocational call is too important. There can be someone else willing to make that commitment (free-will consent) to love for a lifetime.

As long as there is free will, there will always be marriages that do not happen that should have. I do personally believe that a person can miss out on their best hope for marriage by their free-will decision in the past to say no to someone who was a good, suitable partner. It does not mean it is over, it just means it might become that much more difficult, or might take longer than we hope, etc.

God is not going to just send someone "despite" our efforts, but rather in "conjunction" with our efforts. We have to get into environments that make sense for meeting good, single Catholics. Otherwise, God's job is much harder. It's not impossible, but it is harder. For example, if you live in an area where there are hardly any Catholics, and you are unwilling to move or unwilling to travel to meet someone, then you are forcing God to perform a miracle. We have to do our part. God helps those who help themselves.

Let us not blame God for not bringing us "the one". It is probably our own fault, whether it is because we are too busy to make time for dating, or our expectations are too high, or we want everything to be perfect, or we want marriage on our own terms and time frame. If you are to be married, then you have to get on with it, and do whatever is necessary to find a suitable partner.

Start by realizing there are many people out there who will make a wonderful (and suitable) marriage partner for the purposes of marriage; namely, mutual love and bringing children into the world for God's glory. God is not completely absent from this process either, so know that God is always the one who brings people into your life. Pay attention to who comes along. Don't discount people quickly. Be ready to open your heart to a good man or good woman. Don't pass up on a good one just because you think someone better might be out there. Get your parents involved, too. They can tell if you are with the right or wrong person. More times than not, a parent ends up saying, "What was wrong with that one?" because their child just broke up with someone who was wonderful and for seemingly no good reason. It was probably a dumb reason, too.

Today, you need to be "heroic" in your efforts. These are not easy times to be single and Catholic. Finding a suitable partner might be costly (in the time commitment as well as financially). But it is all worth it in the end when you are loving one person and know you are doing what God wants you to be doing.