Dear Anthony,

I am a new female member of Ave Maria Singles. If I am interested in initiating contact with a member, how should I word the first message? Can you give me an example?

For a woman making first contact, this should be done in a way that simply points out something of interest or that you noticed on the man's profile. For example, you might have been impressed with what he wrote about his devotion to the Blessed Mother. Just write a little something about what you noticed and impressed you. Here is a full example:

Dear [Name],

I wanted to contact you to tell you how impressed I was with what you wrote about your devotion to the Blessed Mother. It was really beautiful. I also have a strong devotion to her and can't imagine not being close to her. You are obviously close to her. I pray that she will always remain close to you.

God bless you,
[Your name]

The above note is enough to get a man's attention without sounding like you are "pursuing". If he is not interested or does not know what to do with a note like that, you will not hear from him and you just leave it at that. Do this kind of thing with any man you are interested in. Men need that little bit of leading and effort by women to show them they are welcome. A man who is interested will know what to do next, and he will take over the leading role from that point forward.

Dear Anthony,

I have been corresponding with another member of Ave Maria Singles and we have decided to meet in person. He will be coming to visit me in my town. My concern is that, though we have spoken on the phone a few times, he is still a stranger. I know I should be cautious when meeting someone for the first time, but at some point we will likely be alone together in a car, such as when I pick him up at the airport. Do you have any suggestions on how I could approach this issue without making him uncomfortable?

Your concerns are quite natural, and not to be disregarded or put aside lightly. You are absolutely right that this person is a stranger. But you will quickly get an impression of him once you get to spend some time with him. More than likely, he will turn out to be a harmless person and probably very nice (regardless of whether or not further attraction is there or you pursue the relationship further after the meeting).

But a woman has to be comfortable, and it should be the man's desire to always want to make the woman feel comfortable. I don't see anything wrong with talking to him on the phone and sharing this feeling about alone time with him based on not really knowing him yet at the "in person" level. He should be very understanding when you share it. I guess it depends on how you share it, too. Perhaps the best approach is to say something like, "I'm looking forward to meeting you. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I am just concerned about being alone with you during this first meeting. I'm sure you are a wonderful person, but as a woman, I can't help having a slight concern." And then you can go on to ask him if you can both work this out together, before the meeting, with ideas on how to help you overcome this concern.

Again, he should be very eager to accommodate you and be very understanding. If he takes it personally or does or says anything to make you feel uncomfortable (or maybe even make you feel stupid for having such a concern), then don't bother meeting him in person at all. You will have saved yourself a wasted weekend.

Another suggestion (one I would offer a woman if she had voiced this concern with meeting me for the first time) is to meet somewhere at the airport for an hour or two for coffee or lunch or something. The airport is an immediate public place that offers a great opportunity to be alone without being completely "alone". If you are picking him up, that is what I would suggest. If you don't feel comfortable with him after that initial time, then you should call someone to come pick up both of you :-) Or maybe he should just catch the next flight home from there. More than likely, you will get comfortable enough to drive back to where you are going.

I am not a big fan of isolated alone time for a man and a woman who are not married. For a first meeting, you have the concerns you are voicing here. But for a couple developing a relationship, there are the other sexual attraction factors. Being completely alone together is just an overall bad idea. Obviously, some things cannot be avoided, like driving together in the car. But a car is different from an apartment. For your purposes, perhaps you should have a friend or relative drive with you to the airport to pick him up. Again, you can get some time to break the ice while not being completely alone.

I believe for the most part you can relax about this, while at the same time being reasonably prudent. My strongest advice is to talk about it with him beforehand by phone.

Dear Anthony,

I'm in my 40s and have never been married. I've been chatting with a wonderful woman on Ave Maria Singles and she is open to meeting. I live on the west coast and she lives on the east coast. The problem is that I have a terrible fear of flying and she would have to come to where I am to meet for the first time. She is open to that, but I am concerned about how we would maintain this relationship. I'm not sure what to do. What do you think?

I appreciate your situation and feel for you. I can't help feeling, though, that at some point you are going to have to confront and overcome your fear of flying. If you can't, or you don't think you want to try, you will have to stop considering someone who is flying distance away. A long-distance relationship is challenging, but it can be done. Those that are successful are because both persons made all the necessary sacrifices and efforts, primarily a commitment to spend time with each other in person. Depending on the situation, it varies how often the two can meet in person. But meeting in person is essential, and the more often you can meet in person, the better chance the long-distance relationship has of moving in a healthy way towards marriage.

Seventy percent of our success stories are of two people from different states, so I am not at all surprised that you are interested in a woman who is so far away. But how are you going to make this work if you can't ever visit her because of your fear of flying? I'm not sure how you could sustain it. That's fine to fly her out for the first meeting, but after that, you will have to start flying to her, don't you think? It only seems fair. Does she know you have a fear of flying? If not, she needs to know before you set up a first meeting. But I'm not sure you should even put her through a first meeting if you already know you can't ever get on a plane. Have you even given this any thought?

Perhaps she will still want to meet you for the first time with an openness to doing all the flying to you in your relationship. If she does, than God bless her. But it might be that she has an enthusiasm that cannot be sustained. The realities of life as time goes along might not make this sincere desire of hers practical to keep up with. I also don't think it would be fair to "expect" her to do all the traveling. So you have to be very careful about how you approach this. Make sure you always show her a concern for how this would work out from a travel perspective.

But there is more to it than just the two of you. What about her family and friends? Critical to determining if you should marry a person is meeting and being with each other's family and friends. You learn a great deal about a person when you see them interact with their family and friends. This is a very important thing. If you never visit her, that means you won't get time with her family and friends. That is not good at all. Something to think about.

There is a positive to proceeding to have a first meeting. It's possible that your strong interest in her after your first meeting could provide a grace to help you overcome your fear of flying, and you just might find yourself with the courage to get on a plane and fly to her next time. Love makes us do crazy things :-) And if this first meeting goes so great that you really want to see her again, and/or she wants to see you again, perhaps you will be "crazy" enough to get on that plane.

If you do decide on having the first meeting, just make sure you pay all her expenses. And make sure she understands the risk that you both might like each other and want to meet again, but it does not happen due to this fear of flying.

This also means that your fear of flying affects your meeting any other women after this one. Again, you have a great chance of meeting your future wife if you are able to meet women in person who are in flying distance. Your chances greatly diminish if you can't fly. But if you can't fly, then you can't fly; that's your reality to accept. But if that is, in fact, your reality, than you must be responsible in your online interactions with women and ONLY make contact with women you know you can eventually meet in person. Don't start a dialogue with anyone who is a plane ride away. That just isn't fair to her, nor to you. Your interest in this particularly woman is proof that your finding a future spouse will mean being open to someone who is only in flying distance. If you limit yourself to someone local, which you are free to do, your chances of finding the right woman are more unlikely. Not impossible, but less likely. I think you see where I am going with this.

Of course, the better solution is to get professional help and overcome this fear of flying once and for all, in the name of your vocation, your love for God, and for the sake of your future wife. This would make things easier, and I believe it would also make your chances of actually getting married much better. There is a chance that this fear of flying will keep you from every getting into your vocation. Certainly, it may very well keep you from getting married sooner rather than later (which is what most people desire).

All fears are an evil. They are not of God, and they should be confronted and dealt with to the point of having no more fear. And fears notoriously keep people from living life as abundantly as the Lord desires to have us live. To overcome fears is to be truly free, and allow us to live life to the fullest. In your case, the life your fear may be keeping you from is married life, which is pretty significant, I would say.

You really need to overcome that fear of flying. Even if this relationship does not work out, you jeopardize any future relationship because of this fear. So get some professional help, pray, and conquer this problem. Then you will be free to do whatever it takes, as God inspires, to develop a healthy relationship and get into your vocation one day soon.

Dear Anthony,

I saw one of your Road to Cana segments that talks about romance, friendship, and intimacy as part of dating. Can you expand on what is appropriate in a dating relationship for encouraging romance, affection, and intimacy in a chaste and holy manner, especially for those in their 40s? I haven't been able to find any literature on this subject.

The same rules pretty much apply to older singles that apply to younger ones. Dating is a process, and within the process are expectations. The first expectation is that both persons are positively open to finding their future spouse and they are spending time with each other specifically because they want to determine if the other might be that person for their future marriage. The second expectation is that both persons are serious about staying close to God and having a chaste dating experience. That means both persons are interested in making sure the relationship develops without having sexually related things happen that are reserved only for marriage. What are those things? Obviously, intercourse is the big one. But also any physical actions that would stimulate or cause arousal. For example, kissing on the lips for a few seconds can be a nice sign of affection and does not typically stimulate or arouse. But a "French kiss" (a kiss with the tongue) or prolonged kissing on the lips along with pressing the other against you will naturally stimulate and arouse.

So the rule of thumb is to avoid anything physical that can stimulate and arouse you or the other person to desire something more sexually. You don't want to put each other into an occasion of sin, and you want to respect each other. However, as fallen human nature will have it, people fail in this area and they either try to get the other to do more than they should, or both concede to do more. Scrupulosity would cause one or both persons to see these failures as a sign that the other person is no good for them and to end the relationship. Or one of the persons might see the other's desire for them sexually as a sign that this person is no good for them because of their sexual interest in them outside of marriage. It's good to not be too hard on each other. It's a challenging age we live in, so we should be quicker to give people the benefit of the doubt and not quick to make them feel bad. Just something to think about.

The heroic goal, however, that all good people of faith should strive for is that they never give up the gift they have to give their spouse on their wedding night, which is their body, given to the other in sexual intimacy that bonds the two in marriage and is open to children. For older single persons who might not be able to have children, this purpose is still the same. Sexual union is meant to bond the two in mutual love and to be open to life. That openness to life might not come from natural children, but their love will desire to reach out to the children of others and touch their lives.

You asked about romance, friendship, and intimacy. All of these things can be expressed chastely before marriage. And what we are really saying is that to be chaste is to not allow those things to happen that pertain to the bodies of each other that only a husband and wife have the "rights" to give each other in marriage. In marriage, a woman gives one man "rights" to her body for a lifetime, and the man does the same for that one woman. It is an exchange of rights to their bodies for those purposes in marriage.

Romance and friendship build intimacy. They can also build sexual desire. Once sexual desire is aroused, that is when new things have to be addressed, including preserving chastity and determining marriage. Romancing during dating is simply the process of making the other feel special and uniquely loved. Some people overdo it with what romance is and what they expect romance to be during the dating process. It does not have to be expensive dates and unusual or exotic places to spend time, or love songs or poems written, etc. But whatever it is that can be done to make the other person feel special or make them smile is romance. Nothing wrong with any of that in dating.

Building the friendship is much more important than romance. To marry someone you can count on, feel secure about and with, whom you can trust, and whom you just can't imagine spending your life without is a precious gift. Friends do still hurt each other, we must not forget. But friends are always "there" for you. They can be counted on. They do not come and go based on moods or feelings. They can be trusted to be your friend, even when you might not be that good of a friend. When you marry someone, you almost want it to be more important to hear "I trust you" than "I love you". Anyone can just say "I love you", but it's hard to say "I trust you". And if you do, you better mean it, and the other person better step up to being trustworthy.

This is why I strongly believe that a man and a woman cannot be "close friends" without there being romantic developments. Friendship that grows leads to intimacy. You would be hard-pressed to find a woman who is married or serious with a man who will be comfortable with her fiance or husband having a close friend of the opposite sex. Friendship is powerful, and it is so special. Men need other close male friends, and women need other close female friends. Those friendships have an intimacy that is important for their well-being. Same-sex friendships are critical. But opposite-sex friendships have to be very careful.

So what I really want to advise you here about friendship during the dating process is 1) encourage each other to have same-sex friends and spend time with them, and 2) be very careful about how you both handle opposite-sex friends. So many terrible things happen to ruin good relationships based on these two things alone. Having same-sex friends is so important, even in marriage. A man needs to have his time out with other male friends and so does a woman need her time with her girl friends. It makes the marriage much healthier. Sometimes you see a person give up their friends because they want to spend ALL their time with the person they are dating. That is not good, nor healthy, and it is a sign that there might be other problems. And sometimes a person gets jealous of a friend that the person they are dating has. For example, a woman who gets defensive or insecure about a woman her boyfriend is very close to and the way they interact. That boyfriend would do well to understand he has to be mindful of how his opposite-sex friendships can affect a dating relationship. It's never good or healthy to feel threatened by the relationship of your fiance or spouse with a person of the opposite sex. But it is also dangerous to get "too close" to someone of the opposite sex when you are serious with someone else, or engaged, or married.

What people need to realize is that "intimacy" does not mean "sex" or intercourse. Physical, genital expression is a kind of intimacy that is reserved for a man and a woman who are married. It is a fulfillment of something begun in their relationship that is now able to be fully expressed in their marriage. But it is one kind of intimacy. There are other kinds of intimacy. Romance and friendship help develop intimacy. Intimacy affects the whole person. It is emotional, psychological, physiological, and spiritual. People who are dating have to develop intimacy. But they must never allow their intimacy to get expressed sexually. There can be signs of affection, but they cannot go too far, for the intimacy that is reserved for a man and a woman in marriage is too sacred to be abused. The dating process is time of mystery that builds up toward a great unveiling. Marriage is a lifetime of unveiling.

You also want to be careful about your dating time going on too long. For older singles, there should not be the need of as much time dating as younger people might have to do. Most older people know who they are, what they have, and what they want. They should have a maturity level that can allow for a reasonable amount of dating before entering exclusivity (courtship), and then shortly after that, engagement to be married. If you are able to see each other for several days at a time at least a couple of times per month, you should both know if you want to be exclusive within three months or so. After another three months or so of exclusivity, which is a time period used to determine a reason why you both should NOT get married, there should be engagement. Then, of course, marriage should take place six months or so after that. This timeline depends on spending your time together (and apart) wisely.

What is a "wise" use of this time of dating and courtship? Getting to know each other, spending time with each other in person and with each other's family and friends, asking as many questions as necessary, and discovering love. There will be a point when you both discover that you really can't see living your lives without the other. That is the time to get engaged to be married.

Be careful of men that prolong dating and will not go exclusive. You need to see a man making "commitment moves" all along the way. These commitment moves will be a sign to you that this man is serious about the process of finding a wife. If he is already not interested in seeing other women, then, in a way, you are already exclusive. But the courtship period should be accepted by both "officially". You will want to hear him say that he is not open to any other women during this time of discovering a reason why you should not get married. So to go into courtship means that marriage should already have been talked about.

There is no need to get obsessive about how all these things will play out. All I am doing is giving food for thought. Things should and will happen quite naturally. What I want to make sure you avoid is investing too much time in a relationship that goes nowhere. In other words, you should not be just "dating" after six months. That's too long to not be committed to a serious phase of your relationship and moving toward engagement. Otherwise, you not only may be wasting your time, you might invest your heart to the point of really getting hurt unnecessarily.

That brings me to the word "love". Don't use it unless you mean it in a way that desires permanence. A man will use the word "love" much more quickly and loosely than will a woman. Your job is to make sure you don't use that word until you know he is the man you want for the rest of your life and that you are pretty certain he DOES love you and is not just saying it at an emotional level. Saying "I love you" too early can cause confusion as you go along. So be careful of this.

There is so much more I could share with you, but I think this should suffice for now to help you along. I hope you find it helpful.

Dear Anthony,

What would you say is the appropriate amount of time to correspond with someone before meeting in person? And when should a person stop corresponding if there is no initiative to meet?

Two very good questions. Unfortunately, there is nothing absolute. Every situation is different. However, a woman always has to look for "commitment moves" from men in order to continue giving them credibility in this process. "Commitment moves" are signs of moving forward or that a man is capable of moving forward. The last thing a woman should do is waste her time with a man who just wants to hang out. And since women are not in a position to initially say "Are you a guy who will take steps toward commitment?", they have to be able to observe the signs and act accordingly.

With that said, I think there some general benchmarks that can help Catholics using online dating regarding when to meet in person and when to stop corresponding.

First, you have to be corresponding regularly to justify asking these questions. If you are only writing one exchange per week or more, you are not in a serious correspondence, and therefore do not have the first commitment move. You know you have someone you can potentially meet in person if you are writing each other many times per week.

Once you are writing a lot, it should not be more than four weeks before you should be at least "talking about" meeting in person, if not actually making plans to meet. At this point also there should be interest to talk by phone. Meeting in person should actually happen between one and two months of the initial written contact. If the man does not mention the idea of meeting in person after four weeks of regular correspondence, then you should be considering cutting things off. Again, there are no absolutes, so you have to consider the individual, but it is very rare that a man who is interested in a woman will put off the next level of pursuing after so long. If he is not asking about speaking on the phone, then it might be time to end it.

Now, by "end it", I don't necessarily mean cut off correspondence. What I really mean is to start seriously engaging in correspondence with other men and meeting them (which you should be doing anyway). Many times women allow themselves to believe that because they are involved in heavy written exchange with a man online that he is very interested in her, and she feels she should focus on just him. That's a bad idea! Again, women MUST look for commitment moves from men before they start to consider stepping back from others. If a woman senses a man is serious about pursuing her, she will wait for him. Men who hold back showing any signs of commitment (even the commitment to meet) might not be serious about making the commitment to marriage. So men have to step up and take risks and ACT!! This is the sign a woman needs to stick around. Women who stick around anyway in the "hope" he will act are just setting themselves up for being hurt and wasting valuable time. Maybe he will come around eventually, but from my experience it rarely happens, and so many women have been hurt because the man never showed further interest. Then they wonder why the correspondence suddenly ended.

What if after several weeks of heavy correspondence he does not talk about speaking on the phone or meeting in person, but you really like him? This is tricky for a woman to do, but you should consider giving him a nudge by mentioning that you are open to talking by phone or meeting in person if he is. Men sometimes need just that little sign from a woman before they have confidence enough to take on a more firm leadership role. But after that first time, you should not do it again. Men are not attracted to women who continuously try to lead things along. It can be interpreted as being pushy or seeming desperate, etc. Give the man a nudge and then let it him take over.

If you don't get any serious interest from him as a result, then you should consider saying something like, "I have enjoyed corresponding with you and would like to get to know you more, but I am not open to just writing and believe that meeting in person is the best way to get to know if something more serious is possible to develop with someone."

A wise man will take this as a sign to step up, and a good man who doesn't want to lose the opportunity with a good woman will do the stepping up. A weak, indecisive man will fizzle away. And then you will have wasted only a month of your time and not many months, or years, for that matter. Some men will feel rejected by this. But that would be a foolish response, because a note like that clearly indicates you are interested and want a commitment move, otherwise you can't waste your time. I say this because I also know that many women are nervous to make this kind of statement out of concern that the man will be scared off and correspondence will stop (which is not a good feeling). But please be assured, a good man will be refreshed to hear this kind of thing from a woman and his respect level will increase.

Sometimes men do not see any rush for anything in their life, including meeting a woman in person. They can have bad reasons why they are not open to meeting women in person, even on a site like Ave Maria Singles that is meant for marriage-minded, committed Catholic singles. It could be they don't want to spend any money on meeting someone in person (especially if it means traveling a long distance). Perhaps they like the feeling of dialoguing with women in writing but are not comfortable meeting in person. I have heard lots of reasons why men put off making the very first basic "commitment move" of meeting in person or talking on the phone. Some are flat-out afraid to meet women in person. Some don't want to make the financial investment required to date a woman, especially if it means traveling to meet, including long distances. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that many men are not making the move to meet. I know of one of our couples who were not able to meet for six months at first. But they were talking about it almost right away. He was serious about meeting, but they had legitimate circumstances that kept it from happening. But they were talking on the phone and making plans to meet at the opportune time.

I really feel that a man should never enter into a correspondence with a woman in an online Catholic dating situation unless he is prepared to meet her in person if things go well in writing. It's not really fair to get a woman's hopes up only to end up saying (or not saying, but just not acting) that he can't meet in person.

So don't set yourself up for being hurt by allowing him to prolong your corresponding or by putting too much hope in his making a move. Women have only themselves to blame for letting it go on for so long. Men subconsciously don't respect a woman that lets them get away with not acting on the relationship properly or taking risks in the name of finding their future spouse. If a woman will let a man do nothing serious or say anything that shows a move toward a serious relationship or marriage itself, then he might still write to her because he enjoys the attention and feeling of a woman interested in him, but he will never respect her enough to pursue her.

My opinion of the general rule of thumb for online dating is that you should be talking seriously about meeting in person after a month of writing, talking on the phone by the end of that month, and meeting in person within one to two months. Once you meet in person, if there is desire to continue the relationship, then meet in person at least every two weeks for a couple of concentrated days together (this is primarily for long-distance relationships where travel is necessary). It should take only two months of meeting every two weeks (if the time is spent wisely; namely, with a lot of talking, sharing life goals and vision, worshipping together, meeting family and friends, asking good questions, etc.) to know if you want to be exclusive with each other (courtship), which is then a time period in which you determine if there is any reason you should NOT get engaged to be married.

Dear Anthony,

After a slow start on Ave Maria Singles, I’m now somewhat overwhelmed with corresponding with several women at once. It’s hard for me to turn anyone away. I don’t want to spread myself too thin, yet I don’t want to lose an opportunity with a new person either. How many would you say is too many to be writing to at the same time?

Great question. I'm glad you are having this problem :-) It's certainly better than no correspondences. I'm glad you are being conscientious about this situation. You definitely don't want to make anyone feel hurt or bad.

Regarding how many to write to at one time, my answer is to dialogue with as many as you can handle. I am a strong advocate of putting yourself out there to interact with as many single persons as you can in order to discover (and it IS a discovering process) the person you want to focus your efforts on toward seriousness. It might happen that you start narrowing down those you take more effort with, until you finally get to the point where there is one person you want to devote your entire attention to. Then, once you are in a "serious" relationship (which means you are exclusive), you enter "courtship" (which is the process of moving toward engagement to be married by discovering if there is any reason you should NOT marry this person).

I guess that does not answer your question exactly. That is because it is different for each person. Some people just can't handle writing to more than one person at a time. For some, it will be two or three. Then there are those who are so dedicated to the process of finding someone that they invest a lot of time in corresponding with many, many people and narrow it down as rapidly as possible. But this anxiousness can backfire. So many men take the inappropriate (and self-destructive) route of copying and pasting some very short, insincere, generic note that women can spot right away and are turned off by. For example: "Hi, saw your profile, write me if you want," or something like that. It is critical that your initial contacts makes sense if you are going to write to many people. If you plan to write something like I just gave as an example, then don't bother writing at all. No one (especially women) likes getting an initial contact from someone that shows no evidence of even reading their profile. It is a turnoff and will get you nowhere, as well as waste your time.

A great initial contact is at least a good paragraph or two that shares something about what you liked about their profile as well as something about yourself. For women who don't like initiating a contact, their strategy is to briefly share something she liked about his profile and leave it at that. A man knows what to do with that. If he doesn't, then he is not for her. At any rate, keeping dialogue with several or many members is challenging. But unless it can be done in a way that shows real interest and sincerity (and not like you are saying the same thing to everyone), then it can't be very effective. In other words, every message to someone should be customized to that person. Everyone, especially a woman, needs to feel unique and special. After all, the person you marry has to be someone who stands out above the rest. A well-written message will go a long way in making someone feel that way, and help with the chances of finding the person you are praying for.

This is the nature of meeting someone online. It's a lot of work, so it has to be carefully done, and you have to choose how many you write to at a practical level so this level of attention and customization can be maintained. It's hard to do this in person specifically because once in person, you are automatically at a more intimate level and you are dealing your time that demands more of the "physical presence". Until you meet people in person (which should be the goal of anyone you start writing to), you just keep writing to people who seem interesting and trying to discover who you more inclined to want to meet in person.

It should not take more than a month or two to meet someone in person. Otherwise, you risk wasting your time and the other person's time with endless written dialogue. Once you start meeting people in person, you realistically cannot manage more than one to three people at a time.

As for what to say to those you are no longer interested in, again, this is the nature of meeting someone online. Everyone has to know that everyone else is doing the same kind of scrutinizing in their searches and decisions about corresponding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "I think you are very interesting, but it would not be fair to you if I wrote any further because I am writing to a few people now. I would like to see where they lead. But if they do not lead anywhere, it would be an honor to correspond with you. I hope you understand. I will pray for you. Please pray for me." I'm sure many members will agree that just getting any reply at all would be an improvement. So writing some reply is great, but writing something like this is even better.

Anyone who does not appreciate a reply like that is not cut out for online dating. They should just do what they can to meet people offline wherever they can. It takes thick skin and a real commitment to the process in order to have success with online dating. It is not right for people to take anything "personally". No one is deliberately out to get anyone else. They just want to meet the one person they are praying for toward marriage. At the same time, you (and others) should not feel bad about having to tell members you do not have the capability of writing. No need to say "not interested." Rather, say you would be interested in writing if you were not doing so with others, and will be open to doing so if circumstances change.

Dear Anthony,
 
I've been dating a man for quite some time and our relationship is getting serious. I'm wondering if I need to be concerned about our sexual compatibility. What if we discover after marrying that one of us has a low sex drive and the other has a high sex drive? Would such a difference affect our happiness as a married couple?
 
Sexual tension is a huge reason why people get married. It is typically a good sign that you want to be with each other overall. Those who have sex before marriage have wasted the opportunity to know if there is “real love” there, because the sexual desire that is controlled before marriage helps prove true love. If there is sex before marriage, then you can never really know what is love and what is not.

Anyway, since you are not having any sexual expression, I would guess you both have a strong sense of wanting to be together overall. My question would be, at this point, what is keeping you from getting married? Is there still really anything to determine? The sexual fulfillment AFTER marriage thing is not appropriate to consider. We are social beings who have sex to express our love. We are not sexual beings who have sex to express who we really are. And marriage is certainly not about “getting”, it is about “giving”. If two “giving” people come together in marriage, the sexual expression in marriage will be beautiful no matter what happens. If one of the two has a “strong” sex drive, there may be some counseling needed for that person, or at least a good spiritual director to help that person get through. It is NOT that the one with less drive should step up, but rather that the one with the stronger drive needs to step down, or calm down (as the case may be).

Sex in marriage should be mutual and loving and tender. It does NOT necessarily mean it has to be overly passionate or erotic. Those can be distortions of true married love. There will be times when the sexual expression is very passionate. But there will also be times when it is not so passionate, when it is quick, or even when it is one-sided as to who is interested. God willing, no matter what, it is very beautiful in its gentleness and tenderness. A strong sex drive should not mean enslavement or “need”. That would be unhealthy. A healthy sense of a strong sex drive is that you desire to be close to the spouse. The “wild sex” notion typically attributed to strong sex drive is not for Christians. That is something for people who have become distorted, and something distorted perhaps that the media has portrayed.
 
Again, there will be passionate times, but you be amazed how much of married sexual intimacy is not genital. Smiling eyes, flirting, holding hands, an affectionate touch or hug, etc. It is arguable that these moments are the most sexual part of marriage and the aspects of sexuality that lead to the deeper relationship. Genital sex is very often the end result of all that buildup. And it does not have to have anything to do with “drive”.
 
It is also important to point out that most of married life is NOT spent in genital sexual activity, so there should not be much stock put into the “performance” aspect of sex in marriage. It just does not happen that much. So best to make sure you are married to someone you can have a conversation with and enjoy everyday life with, above the sexual drive toward that person. That is a surefire way to get disappointed, and then it trickles into all aspects of a perfectly good marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. Sexual expression in marriage is not only important, it is critical. But I think sometimes people think that the strong impulse and much passion expression is the true expression of love. No. True love seeks to serve, and that includes the bedroom. If the person you are serving in marriage does not want the level of sexual expression you want, then love dictates that you subdue personal desire and enjoy what the other wants.

But if you are hoping the spouse will do the same for you (namely, wanting to serve your needs), that is not the right attitude either. As a spouse, you are not only seeking to serve the other, but you are also seeking help the spouse not be put in a position they are uncomfortable with. In other words, you cannot expect your spouse to step up and serve your needs in a way they are incapable of or not comfortable with.

I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that you should talk about this with the man you’re seeing if it is a major thing to you. Talk now so that whichever of you has the strong sex drive, that person will have shared this information and give the other an opportunity to consider if this is something that could make or break the marriage. You don’t want to be going into the marriage without full disclosure about things that matter to each of you. That is just a time bomb waiting to go off. But when unforeseen things come up or happen in marriage (which they most certainly do), you cannot say, “This is not what I signed up for” and give any thought to ending it. No, you must stay and fulfill your duty. And there is always a way to find joy in the decision to love for a lifetime.

When we "want", we suffer. When we "serve", we have peace and joy.

Dear Anthony,
 
I just met with someone I have been writing to on Ave Maria Singles and I just was not attracted to him. But he is very nice and has great qualities. I guess I was expecting to be more attracted to him than I am. If it’s not there, meeting again doesn’t make sense, right?

Just to be clear, I am assuming you mean “physically” attracted to him, because it sounds like you have a lot of attraction for him because of the great qualities you suggested you find in him. So it is possible to be very attracted to a person that you have no “physical” attraction to.
 
And therein lies the dilemma of the modern single person, including Catholics. Everyone wants to marry a person who has it all: great personality, good character, wonderful qualities, and (of course) great-looking! It is the “great-looking” part that has so many Catholics concerned.

On one hand, they want to believe that they are not so shallow as to need a great- looking person when it should be what is inside a person that matters most. On the other hand, there is something unexplainable but very real that is inside them that will resist moving toward intimacy if they just don’t feel a strong attraction to them physically.
 
Ultimately, you have to be physically attracted to the person you marry. And frankly, this is actually the primary way God designed how marriages take place and babies come into the world. What I am referring to is the use of our sexual gifts. God has brilliantly designed us so that we would desire a member of the opposite sex and that desire would provide a natural movement toward intimacy that will lead to conception of babies and the bonding of the two persons engaging in those physical- union experiences. The brilliance of this design is that He knew that if we did not have the “desire” or “passion” as part of the sexual experience, then people would not do it and babies would not be conceived. He also brilliantly commanded that a man leave his father and mother and cling to his “WIFE” and the two shall become one flesh. In other words, his plan is that mankind marry and bond permanently and indissolubly in order to lawfully ACT on our sexual desires and passions.
 
Our sexuality is very much connected to our whole person, not just the inside. In fact, it is a very “sacramental principle” to be attracted to another person sexually. Just because a person is a strong practicing Catholic does not mean you could marry them. There is more to it than religious conviction. Just as the Sacraments and Sacramentals use externals to draw us toward an inner and hidden mystery, so it is with how two people come together toward the intimacy of close friendship, and ultimately in marriage.
 
The person you marry will be one person who has come along in your life that becomes someone you desire to know better and have a deeper relationship with. It is a person about whom you one day say, “I cannot imagine living my life without that person in it.” Physical attraction plays a major role in that mystery of how two people come together in marriage, because there is a desire to want to be physically close to that person (i.e., sexual desire). That movement is what should make two people contact the local pastor of their church and make wedding plans.
 
Now the tricky part. Should you have this physical attraction immediately for you to know whether to continue seeing a person or not? The answer is no. In fact, many people do not have physical attraction kick in until the other attractive aspects of the person turn into something that makes you more attracted. In other words, spending time with a person is how deeper attraction grows, and that deeper attraction of the person’s qualities that are within and displayed in personality and character can spark (because of the mystery of love that comes from God) a physical attraction that was not there before.
 
Call it an “unveiling”. Everyone in a relationship (especially the woman) wants to feel like they are unique, special, one-of-a-kind. And when intimacy takes place (close friendship), this is in fact what happens. And for a man and a woman, becoming close friends naturally leads to a desire for more. But again, that desire for more often times is an awakening; a realization of something you did not know before; recognition of something you did not see before. The heart moves and speaks, and the eyes open to mystery that goes beyond mere material physical attributes. The physical attraction is now there. And it is unique to the two individuals.
 
That is what is so hard about objective physical beauty. How do they know when someone is “really and truly” interested in who they are, not just what they look like? It can be a real curse to be objectively beautiful. I have had solid Catholic women who are very gorgeous tell me heartbreaking stories of their difficulties finding true love.
 
And it makes sense. A gorgeous woman is attractive to “every” guy. So what? What does that tell her? What does that tell the guys? Only that nature is working. But it tells nothing of the mystery of love.
 
Attraction toward marriage is about a unique experience of two people for each other that does not desire an ending, but rather longs for what is next. Time tests this, and a mind open to people who come in our life that God sends is imperative. In addition, the prayerful work of dismantling any distorted approach we have to physical attraction is needed for many. Too many single people, especially men, have too dangerous of a tendency to make physical objective beauty the benchmark of their determination of another. This is a mistake!
 
So many have been surprised by love in their life with a person they came to discover they long to be with, and that the mystery of love’s movements stirring in the heart over time caused them to have physical attraction that perhaps was not there, or was not as strong as they would have liked.
 
Time is the answer. Give people “time” before you make a final conclusion about attraction. You might be surprised whom you discover is really in your midst. Your vocation to marriage may very well depend on this cautious approach to love.

Dear Anthony,

I have always felt that God has one person in mind for me and He will make sure I meet that person. But I am now 38 years old and Mr. Right has still not come along. Am I wrong to believe God has a hand in bringing me the person He wants me to be with?

No, you are not wrong to believe that. God is always involved with all aspects of our lives. It's no different with the vocation to marriage. He influences the people we will come into contact with and how we come into contact. God does help with finding a suitable partner. In fact, we say in the marriage ceremony "What God has brought together, let no man put asunder."

But all too often, we human beings have a tendency toward self-destructive tendencies. In other words, we do stupid things. Unwise actions and decisions (or lack of making decisions at all) affect the vocation to marriage we are called to, just as these would affect any other important part of our lives. This happens because of selfishness. We want what we want. But what does God want? If He wants us married, then He wants to help make that happen, and wants it to happen sooner rather than later.

God does NOT have one set person for us to marry. Rather, He influences our coming into contact with potentially suitable partners. We must have our senses and our hearts open to who these potential future spouses are, and take the actions necessary to discovering which is the one that the mystery of love will work in our hearts. How God brings two specific people together is a mystery. But we are very much involved, and it is ultimately our decision.

The free-will consent of both persons to each other on the day of the wedding is what confects the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. The "free will" means it is our choice, and God then blesses the decision. In this decision is also the forsaking of all others. That means there could have been someone else, but this is your choice for the rest of your life.

It's a mystery how God is both an influence and also a spectator. He is very much involved in helping you find someone, but He awaits the decision of the two he has helped. Therefore, unfortunately, it does happen that, because of free will, two people that God helped do NOT come together in marriage. Is this the end for either? No! God continues to work because the vocational call is too important. There can be someone else willing to make that commitment (free-will consent) to love for a lifetime.

As long as there is free will, there will always be marriages that do not happen that should have. I do personally believe that a person can miss out on their best hope for marriage by their free-will decision in the past to say no to someone who was a good, suitable partner. It does not mean it is over, it just means it might become that much more difficult, or might take longer than we hope, etc.

God is not going to just send someone "despite" our efforts, but rather in "conjunction" with our efforts. We have to get into environments that make sense for meeting good, single Catholics. Otherwise, God's job is much harder. It's not impossible, but it is harder. For example, if you live in an area where there are hardly any Catholics, and you are unwilling to move or unwilling to travel to meet someone, then you are forcing God to perform a miracle. We have to do our part. God helps those who help themselves.

Let us not blame God for not bringing us "the one". It is probably our own fault, whether it is because we are too busy to make time for dating, or our expectations are too high, or we want everything to be perfect, or we want marriage on our own terms and time frame. If you are to be married, then you have to get on with it, and do whatever is necessary to find a suitable partner.

Start by realizing there are many people out there who will make a wonderful (and suitable) marriage partner for the purposes of marriage; namely, mutual love and bringing children into the world for God's glory. God is not completely absent from this process either, so know that God is always the one who brings people into your life. Pay attention to who comes along. Don't discount people quickly. Be ready to open your heart to a good man or good woman. Don't pass up on a good one just because you think someone better might be out there. Get your parents involved, too. They can tell if you are with the right or wrong person. More times than not, a parent ends up saying, "What was wrong with that one?" because their child just broke up with someone who was wonderful and for seemingly no good reason. It was probably a dumb reason, too.

Today, you need to be "heroic" in your efforts. These are not easy times to be single and Catholic. Finding a suitable partner might be costly (in the time commitment as well as financially). But it is all worth it in the end when you are loving one person and know you are doing what God wants you to be doing.

Dear Anthony,

Is there any hope of finding a man locally on your site? I am now a Catholic school teacher and love it, plus my family is here and I do not want to move away from them. I have not had any success meeting someone locally. So I'll just do my thing in my area, and if I meet someone, it will be through my activities here.

Is there any hope of finding a man locally on Ave Maria Singles? Sure there is. But the fact is, 70 percent of our success stories (of the 800 marriages I know of) are of two people from different states. And most times it is the woman who does the moving, which makes sense. If a man has a job he is established in, and since he is the provider of the home once married, it makes sense that the woman be prepared to move to where he is. I know that is a very hard thing to do, but it is a leap of faith every woman should be prepared to make should she meet a man she wants to marry.

A man, however, has to be very sensitive to the fact that a woman needs her family, especially her mother. For a new mother, there is nothing quite like having your own mother around to confide in, or visit, or have help out. Women thrive on this. Early on in my marriage, there were many a moment when Bridget would cry on my shoulder because she did not have her mother around to talk to and visit. She lost her mother before we were married. So I have seen how important the mother is to a woman. It would serve a man well to consider a woman's family as he seeks to court her and marry her. He should be very eager to make sure she gets to see her mother or family periodically, if not often. If he shows this sensitivity to her, it will go a long way in his gaining her trust and deeper love.

I guess what I am saying is that it is unlikely that you will meet someone locally from using Ave Maria Singles. Finding a solid, practicing Catholic who has all the qualities you are attracted to is very hard to find. You need to be open to God's will, but also to God's influence. These 100-percent practicing Catholics are a minority, and they are scattered everywhere. If you allow God to bring you options from these places, you will find there are more opportunities for you. Yes, it might mean you will have to move, but you have to believe your vocation is more important than your family or your teaching at a Catholic school. If you believe that, then you need to be prepared to get into your vocation as the highest priority of your life. Otherwise, you should prepare yourself for remaining unmarried as a real option (not by choice but by default because there was no one locally who came along).

I feel for you. When you love your family that much, or your job, it can be very difficult to see how God would want you to give them up. But I have dealt with hundreds of people just like you who are now married to a person that they ended up choosing over their family or job. They are now very happy. And the bottom line is this: until you meet the person you fall in love with, it doesn't make sense to give up anything. But when you do fall in love, everything changes, and it will make you do things you thought you never would do before.

Pray about it more. I really believe you need to make your vocation the highest priority, to do what you need to do to meet the kind of person you would marry, and to leave the rest to trusting in God. I am praying for you.