Dear Anthony,

I know you get this comment all the time, but I find it so frustrating that I have e-mailed three men this year, with not one response. Not even a "not interested." I know I need patience and I pray to God daily to guide me through this, but just wanted to check to see if something could be wrong with my e-mails.

Thank you for writing, and for sharing with me your frustration. It is true that you need a lot of patience and prayer when going through a process like online dating. But of course, part of the process is how we present ourselves and the actions we take. So let me see if I can offer you anything that might help.

Regarding the three contacts you have made since January, one of the early two is a man who is in a relationship, so he is likely ignoring any contacts. The one you contacted recently is a man younger than you. I know there is nothing wrong with a woman being older, nor your contacting men younger than yourself. That's is perfectly fine. What I want you to understand is that, at least with online dating, men your age or younger are looking for a woman younger than themselves. That is not an "absolute", but it is the norm. You just need to understand that if you attempt to find someone on the site who is your age or younger, you are going to have to be very understanding if it does not happen due to the reality of the norm.

The actual emails you are sending are good. They are short, friendly, and do not come across as forward or desperate. You say "Hello" and that you find something interesting about their profile. You also invite them to contact you. You tend to not specifically say what you are interested in, but rather say "we seem to have similar interests". It's always best to specify the things you find interesting or similar, and than you briefly share what it has to do with you. You could probably just stop there. A man worth his salt will already understand that you are interested in him communicating with you and will know what to do with this brief, friendly contact from a good woman like yourself. If he does not know what to do with it, then he is probably not worth knowing any further.

But let's say he "thinks" he knows what to do with it but is not quite sure and does not feel you gave him enough of an open door to make him feel confident about pursuing you. The way to avoid this is to follow up your nice, brief comment with a question. Asking a question ensures that you communicate you wish be get a reply. So let's say you tell him that you enjoyed reading about his growing up in a large family and that you also grew up in a large family. Instead of saying "I think we have a lot in common, feel free to contact me", you could say something like "I was the middle child but never felt neglected by my parents. What number were you in the family, and did you ever feel neglected?" This will give him a clear indication that you want to hear back from him, and also you give him something very specific to enter into dialog with you about.

Finally, you are only contacting men in your area. I understand why you would only want to meet someone in your state, but it is a long, established fact that the greatest success with online dating comes from being open to meeting someone wherever they are, and that it is very common for it to be two people from at least another state. The right man will fly out to meet you, if you have concern about how a long distance relationship will work. I'm sure that if you configure your attitude to being more open to a long distance relationship, you will find that there are ways to make it work that you otherwise would definitely think could not work when closed to the idea.

My advice is to start contacting men who are older than you (think about 10 years older as a benchmark) whom you find interesting. Don't worry about where they are. It will be good for you to just first experience contacting men who would be open to corresponding with you. That will help you get a better feel for what is possible and what is not possible.

Remember, this is a process you go through WITH God, and being open to the movements of God is very important. The less restriction you give God, the more opportunity and possibility for success God can provide for you. I know it can be frustrating, especially when you do not get a reply after you took the time to write to someone. But the good news is that it only takes one person for this experience to be a success. That one person will come in God's time, and in conjunction with your good efforts. If you are doing everything you can, you have to give the rest to God and not be tempted to control God or the situation with the time-frame you expect things to happen in, or your attachment to what you want to happen when you write to a man. Just do what you have to do, and keep the peace of Christ that is His gift to you, no matter what happens.

I hope this helps.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Why can’t people show common Christian courtesy and send a reply to a message? I know you have spoken about this in the past, but it’s just too frustrating and I am wondering what the point is anymore of using the site if this is just going to keep happening. What am I missing?

The question of why people do not get a reply to a message sent is still one of the most common questions I deal with. Not a week goes by without getting an email from a frustrated member dealing with this issue. It’s been a problem with online dating from the beginning, and it shows no signs of going away. As you might imagine, I am also personally frustrated because I can’t provide people with an adequate answer that makes the problem go away for them, nor have I been able to do anything about it in order to make the problem go away.

Therefore, it is probably best for us all to start accepting the fact that it’s here to stay. There is always going to be the problem of people who do not reply to a message sent. I think this is a first step to making this problem really go away. Since it is a fact and a reality that not every message sent out to another person is going to be followed up with a reply, the real problem is in expecting a reply.

When you expect to get a reply to a message you send out, you set yourself up for disappointment should you not get a reply. That sounds obvious, but based on the thousands of people over the years who have addressed to me their frustrations about this happening, it must not be so obvious.

Expectations in general are a dangerous thing. When we “expect”, we judge. To expect anything at all from anyone means you have prejudged the person or the situation. Take the issue of not getting a reply. You write a message and you send it. You expect a reply to that message. You can also say that you have prejudged that if you send a message to another person, not getting a reply would render the action of writing in the first place to have been a pointless exercise, and cause you any number of negative reactions for having wasted your time. You can also say that you have prejudged the person to be good or bad (or Christian) based on whether or not they reply.

I am not saying we should not have expectations. We all do. But we do have to be careful about actually “what” we expect, and “with whom” we expect. If you are writing to a friend, it is reasonable to expect a reply. But writing to a perfect stranger whom you have never met or spoken to before should not have the same expectation. In fact, you can argue that the more logical expectation is that you will NOT get a reply due to the fact that someone is getting a note from another person totally unexpectedly.

No one should judge someone who is receiving a note from a stranger because no one can know what anyone else should or would experience upon receiving such a note. Whether or not the note gets a reply depends on many things, not the least of which is what the note says. In all the years I have been getting emails from frustrated members regarding their not getting a reply to a message sent, I cannot remember anyone ever telling me what exactly they wrote and why they believe they should have received a reply. What I am told is the reason they should get a reply is because it is a common courtesy to do so or the Christian thing to do, etc.

It seems obvious to people that the reason why they did not get a reply is because that person is not interested and is afraid to just come out and say that. I don’t disagree with that. I do think oftentimes people who don’t reply to a message they get do not do so because they are not interested. But that does not make them a bad person. Nor does it mean that person does not have a good excuse for not replying. I don’t want to make excuses for those who don’t reply, but I do know their excuses can be valid. Perhaps you don’t feel that any level of fear would be a good excuse. But sometimes people fear hurting the other’s feelings by replying and saying they are not interested. So many people have told me they would rather get a reply that said sincerely they were not interested than get no reply at all. However, if we are honest, it is not that great to get rejected either, is it? It can be quite the dilemma.

One thing is for certain. If the person receiving the message has a positive and favorable experience, and has any level of interest in the person who wrote, they will reply. Not getting a reply to a message you send should not cause you to become negative. Anything or anyone we give the power to make us lose our peace should be a red flag to us that we are the problem. Jesus did not give us His peace in order that we would abandon it at such a cheap price. And He certainly does not want us to give the power to lose it to any other person. So don’t give anyone that power. And start “expecting” to not get a reply when you write. That will make the replies you get that much more special. And by all means, do NOT stop writing because you are afraid of not getting a reply. That would be the worst thing you can do. Continue to take the risk and put yourself out there.

Finally, consider what you are writing. Perhaps it is something in the way you are corresponding that is causing you problems with getting a reply. I have seen all kinds of disastrously terrible initial correspondences by people who have wondered what they are doing wrong. Sounding desperate, or anxious, or like you are not really even trying can all work against you. People know when they are being addressed as a unique individual person or just as a number in the process. Whatever you write, make it sound like you are interested in that person, AND also like you, yourself, are an interesting person they should want to get to know.

Ask yourself when you are writing your message, “Why should this person reply to what I am about to send?” If you still have problems getting replies, ask family and friends who know you well and love you to read your initial contacts and ask them to be honest with you as to what they think. Particularly, get those you know of the opposite sex to read them and ask if they would respond to what you wrote. I have had people say to me that the messages they get sound so canned or like they were just cut and pasted with only the change of the name of the person they are writing to, that they did not think it deserved a reply.

Don’t let the no-reply issue ever get you down to the point of giving up. It’s obviously just part of the online dating experience. And you are not alone. Thousands go through this same experience. When it happens, don’t let it sour you toward using the website, or the opposite sex, or lower your self-esteem, or anything negative. Simply move on and continue the journey with God with a positive and confident outlook rooted in faith and hope.

Dear Anthony,

I’ve been in regular contact with a man in writing and on the phone for a couple of months. When I mentioned to him that we should plan to meet in person, he said he has so much going on in his life right now that he doesn’t want to add to it by setting up a time to meet me. I’m at a loss. Am I right to be concerned?

You are absolutely right to be concerned. Men who do this make women feel as if they are doing the woman a favor. That is not good! Doesn’t it make sense that a man should make a woman feel he is interested in her? Of course it does. Does indicating that he has a lot going on in his life make a woman feel as if he is interested in her? Of course not. So you have done enough, and have gone as far as you need to in order to know if this particular man has interest in you. The least he could have done is say how much he would enjoy meeting you in person as he states any facts about his being too busy to do it at this time. He has clearly said to you that he has better things to do than to meet you in person, so it’s time to move on.

Women have a tendency of making the mistake of doing nothing when a man behaves like this. It is understandable why. It is hard to let go of someone you really like, or say something that might risk him cutting things off. But that should not deter a woman from doing what she needs to do. It does not help to allow a man to procrastinate meeting her in person. It actually harms the relationship, and both parties. So it’s best to do what needs to be done anyway. It might cause you some pain to do this, but my suggestion is to contact him and say something like the following:


Dear [what’s his name],

I have enjoyed our conversations by writing and phone, and was hoping to get to know you more through meeting in person. However, you don’t indicate you are interested in meeting me in person, and I don’t want to feel uneasy about an undetermined time in the future when and if this might happen, so I feel I have to end things with us and move on. I know you said you were busy, and I can appreciate that. But you have not shown interest in meeting, so I have to believe this is not too important to you. I am seeking a husband and don’t want to waste time. It seems right to me that the next step for us is to meet in person. I’m sorry things did not work out. If you change your mind and are ready to visit me in person, I would be open to that. Otherwise, I am not interested in further communication. I hope you can appreciate that I feel it is best for both of us to invest our time wisely, and for me that means only with men who show interest in meeting in person after a short period of writing and talking by phone.

Sincerely,

[your name]


This kind of note says what needs to be said without accusing or sounding bitter. And you definitely need to make it definitive-sounding so the man knows clearly that this is it. You have to indicate it’s over and you don’t want to communicate again unless he is taking the next step. Does that make sense?

Again, this can be a hard thing to do for a woman, especially when she really likes the man and it seems that things are going well otherwise. But I assure you, it is well worth determining now rather than later whether he is really interested in you or not. And God will bless you for taking such a step in the name of your vocation. That blessing may come in the form of this man being inspired by your action to take that next step and meet you, or it might come in the form of a better man coming along soon after. Either way, the certain blessing is peace of mind and heart from God that you did the right thing, regardless of the outcome.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I’m a member of Ave Maria Singles. I initiated contact with another member and he replied that the long distance between us was a problem for him, but to feel free to correspond. I replied that I try not to make distance an issue and encouraged him to do the same. I don’t know if he is really interested or just being polite. What do you think? I’m not looking for a pen pal.

No need to overcomplicate this. If a man is interested, he is going to pursue. This man is not going to pursue you. His leaving it open for you to still contact him means that he is not trying to cut you off if you still just want to write. But he is not interested. My advice is to move on and not contact him again. You said your piece, and were right to do so (saying you have a different opinion on the matter of long distance). But again, men don't let opportunities go. If he was interested in you, he would not make distance an issue and he would continue writing to you.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

Dear Anthony,

I'm 18 and unlike many others my age, I want to marry and be a stay-at-home mom. I'm wondering if attending college while looking for my future husband would be a good idea. What are your thoughts? I'm also considering joining Ave Maria Singles.

It is perfectly fine to attend college while being seriously open to meeting your future spouse. Education can only help, not hurt. Attending college also helps you become more interesting. Also, traditionally, college is a prime place that a young person actually meets their future spouse. I am told that back in the day, it was a main reason a woman went to college (to meet a husband). Though times have changed and women attend college for many other good reasons, being open to meeting someone while in college is highly recommended. Of course, make sure it is a good Catholic boy (especially if you are attending a non-Catholic college). What college you attend does make a difference regarding your opportunities to meet strong, devout Catholic men. You definitely don't want to lose your Catholic faith if you are easily influenced by your peers and you attend a college where you could not find support for your Catholic faith nor anyone else to grow in it with. So by all means, do NOT avoid college just because you know you want to be married. But choose a good Catholic college if you want to increase your chances of meeting a good man.

Obviously, you can also meet good Catholic men without going to college. It is perfectly plausible to dedicate your time to working and making yourself available for dating men, falling in love, and getting married. My wife did not attend college. She absolutely always wanted to be married, a wife and mother, and took this approach of working and being available full-time to date. It has its advantages.

I think the key, whether you are going to college or not, is to be available and make it a strategy to be available to meet your future spouse. Too many young people don't make themselves "open" during their 20s, and college just passes them by without their realizing they just blew a key opportunity to meet their future spouse, or their 20s just blow by and they were not open enough to allow love to find them. So it really has to be a priority to be "open", and work at being open (if need be, since it does not come naturally to some).

Regardless of how you decide about college, if you are ready for marriage and desire to make that commitment at this point in your life, by all means join our site and be open. Once you join, you may be contacted by older men. Just remember that you are anonymous until you give out your personal information. So don't feel the least bit put out if you have to tell a member you are not interested (we have a "Not Interested" button that helps make it easier). Everyone on the site is actively seeking to meet the right person, so it makes sense you will run into some who are NOT the right person. Don't take anything personally, either. This is a process and God is right there with you. Just be open to meeting someone wherever he is, persevere, have patience, and keep active. These are the keys to success. God will do the rest.

Dear Anthony,

I am in a long-distance relationship with someone I met on Ave Maria Singles. After e-mailing and making phone calls, we finally met in person, and we are hopeful about our future. Because of the distance, we won't get to see each other very often, and we're concerned about being able to maintain this relationship. E-mail seems sterile and shallow after a while. Do you have any suggestions?

I'm glad to hear that you have spent time in person already. That is really critical. I have no doubt that has only increased your desire to spend more time in person. That's a good thing.

But don't underestimate the value of your NOT being together in person as often as you would like, and how it can deepen your relationship. You should definitely be working at getting together in person as often as you can (I have recommended every two weeks or so as a benchmark, even if for a couple of days). The more often you are in person together, the faster you both will realize you are to get married or end the relationship. And knowing sooner rather than later if the relationship should end helps minimize heart pains and wasting time. Being in person often helps to know if you should be moving toward marriage, so you should definitely make it happen as you are able. Just understand that having long intervals between meetings can be a risk, especially in dragging the relationship on longer than it should (whether for marriage or for breaking up).

However, the time in between can be a tremendous blessing and a wonderful opportunity to grow deeper towards each other that you might not otherwise be able to do if you lived close by and could see each other in person more often. I want to encourage you both to write long letters to each other during these periods, sharing your hearts, interests, faith, past, etc. The beauty of a long-distance relationship is that it helps foster deep love and longing for each other that being in person all the time cannot. When you have access to someone all the time, writing does not take place. And writing provides an opportunity to share in ways that people don't usually do when talking to each other. Plus, there is the added bonus of not having to deal with serious chastity issues that people who are in person all the time have to face, which can really cause problems, or disrupt the developing relationship, or even distort the relationship to the point of it ending when it did not have to happen that way. Chastity helps couples to grow in grace, so long-distance relationships are great for this, too.

So I encourage you both to rejoice in the opportunity to take advantage of this distance between you, and time periods between visits, and see it as a very holy thing. And make it valuable by taking the time to write long letters. The reason e-mail seems sterile and shallow (as you put it) is because you are not really "writing" to each other. You are just chatting. So take the time, nestle up on your bed, or sit at your desk or on the couch with cup of coffee or favorite drink, say a prayer, and then begin to handwrite a long letter. Yes, I said "handwrite". Typing is too impersonal for this kind of writing (but if you are only comfortable typing, then I won't hold it against you :-) The point is to enjoy the spirit of writing to the one you care about. And watch how you fall in love and what happens. I promise you that after you are married, you will be saying how much the distance was a blessing and how much you treasured the exchange of love letters.

Dear Anthony,

I'm a member of Ave Maria Singles and have been corresponding regularly with another member, but I'm not sure just how interested he is in me. How can I tell when someone is really interested?

That's great that you are having some regular correspondence from someone on the site. Regular correspondence "could" be an indication of serious interest, but you are far from knowing for sure. What you do NOT want to do is allow a man to get away with always writing to you or chatting. Even when you get on the phone with a person, that's nice but it's not the definitive sign of serious interest. The way to know if a man is serious about you, or finding the right woman for that matter, is when he pursues meeting you in person. There are too many men, I'm afraid, who only want to stroke their egos by having someone who is interested in writing to them or talking on the phone, but they have no intention of ever meeting in person. There is no reason that a man should not be discussing meeting a woman in person after a month of regular correspondence.

My advice to women is to part ways with any man who seems like all he wants to do is write or talk on the phone. You don't want to waste your time. I'm not sure why men want to waste the time of women, or their own. But one thing is for sure, women cannot allow a man to get away with doing that. Too often they do, and that's because for a woman, it is nice to have a man interested in her and she does not want to lose that. I just got done dealing with a woman who was upset that after one year of writing and phone calls the man she liked so much was still not following through to meet in person. She finally woke up and stopped all contact with him. She never should have let it go on for a year.

So that is my advice to you. Enjoy your time getting to know this man, but don't put any serious credence into the relationship until he shows you that he wants to meet in person. If after a month he has not suggested you meet in person, then you do so. If he says that would be good and does not make it happen within a reasonable amount of time (maybe another month), then end it. You don't need a man who can't act on what he wants. In fact, it's sad to say, it is not a woman that a man like that wants. Maybe it's an ego boost he wants, or he just wants to have someone in his life at some level, as long as he does not have to dedicate his life to her. I don't know. But whatever it is, that's not for you.

Dear Anthony,

I recently began corresponding with a man who is divorced and has petitioned for a decree of nullity. He says there is a good chance he will get it. But until then he is still married in the eyes of God. I am concerned that developing a close friendship with him, even at a distance, would be wrong. Do you have any advice for me?

It's a great question, and a tough one to address. You are absolutely correct: this person is definitely still married in the eyes of God and is therefore not available to date, let alone free to marry in the Church. Regardless of there being a good chance that this person will receive the annulment, there should be no dating. This person cannot assume the annulment will go through. And even if it does go through, there is no guarantee that the tribunal will permit that person to marry. It does happen sometimes that a person granted a decree of nullity is NOT permitted to marry. Typically, this is a temporary situation due to the Church determining that the person needs additional counseling for a period of time before being permitted to marry in the Church.

While this is going on, I don't see anything wrong with being a friend to someone, or developing a friendship. After all, friendship is a cornerstone to any relationship, including marriage. But obviously, friendship does not mean that it becomes more than a friendship. My advice is that if you enter into friendship with this person, do NOT allow your heart to become invested in any romantic way, or your mind to have any expectation that this person will be free soon to become more than friends with. So that means that your friendship cannot take on any kind of "dating" approach. Get to know each other. Offer prayers and support for what he is going through. Share with him things in your life. Pray together. If you get together in person, make it with some friends, or maybe meet for coffee. Nothing romantic. Just very friendly. NEVER touch each other, if you can help it. I know friends hug, but this friendship has hidden behind it a waiting for something in circumstance to change so that it might become more. Therefore, it is not right to allow it to develop TOO deeply even at the friendship level. After all, if you get involved with a man who is free to marry and you are interested in, it won't be right that you have this friendship with this other man. Even though nothing more than friendship had happened, it still is not going to sit well with any man you date that you have a close relationship with another man. That would be uncomfortable.

On a final note, you should consider dating other men while you are developing this friendship with him. That will help ensure for you that you are not "waiting around". If you don't date for other reasons, so be it. It's just a suggestion to help you keep your motives pure and keep things "real".

Dear Anthony,

I have been frustrated with women who get cold feet about considering a serious relationship. When they realize a long-distance relationship might require making big decisions like moving away from family, they become paralyzed by the prospect and won't see me again. What do you think of this fear of theirs?

I understand your frustration, and I have heard many men complain of this very problem of women who get cold feet when a man shows he is serious. I realize I have written a lot about the cold feet of men and their issues with pursuing a woman, but not very much about women who don't allow a willing man to pursue her.

What causes this to happen in women? You bring up the first major reason: namely, that they are not open to moving (more specifically, "relocating"). They say on their profile they are, and may even believe it in their mind because intellectually they know they have to be open to that. But the reality for some women is that they really don't want to move, and they make a lot of excuses why they cannot.

Do women "need" to do the moving? Of course not. In fact, I have seen that for many of our successful couples the man did the relocating. Many men understand that women are very family-oriented and respect their strong ties to their family. Not that men do not have the capability, but with women, it is part of the security needs they have. And if they have a great relationship with their family, that makes them feel very secure and it affects their very personality. So it is understandable how it would be very difficult for a woman to move, especially move far away, if she has these kinds of family ties.

Another powerful reality is the mother-daughter relationship. A woman needs her mother. And a young bride especially needs her mother. When a young woman marries and then begins to live married life and have babies, and all the challenges that come with this new life of hers, it is her mother who is the most important person to guide her through. And it is the mother who will be there to help that young woman with the babies that come along. It is understandable how a woman is not going to readily give up that opportunity to live close to her mother. A smart man will understand the power and love of the mother-daughter relationship and consider this as he deals with the woman he is dating and/or in love with. He should always be considerate of this issue and never act like it is no big deal or insist that she change about this.

So when it comes to any of the realities of a woman regarding her family and not wanting to move away from them, it will serve a man well to be very observant about this, and considerate and gentle. For many men, this is very attractive because there is a great benefit in marrying a woman who has a wonderful family and who has a good relationship with her mother. Don't forget the added bonus of having a great babysitter you both can trust when you want to take those much needed "date nights" out. So for many men, they see the value of considering finding a way to do the relocating to where the woman is.

Now I have established that women don't "need" to do the moving, per se. It is important to now say that they must be the ones most prepared to do the moving/relocating should marriage be discussed. I believe most women know and understand this, which is why men like yourself have experienced this apparent "game" from women who seem interested and then indicate that they are not going to ever move. That "game" is really a form of denial and self-defense. It is always so easy to think about and plan the way you want or expect your love life to go, and you visualize things just falling into place with a person. However, when an actual person does come along, you find that things are not what you expect. Love is definitely that way. Nothing ever goes as you expected, and a person is never everything you had on your "list". The reality of love demands balance and compromise and consideration.

Love also forces us all to confront ourselves where we tend to not go too often. This is when hard choices are made, for better or for worse. But it is also a time when people "test" another person to see what happens. Men and women are both notorious for doing this. In this case, many women "test" a man by telling him she is never going to move. What they "expect" to happen is that the man will end things because she thinks all men expect a woman to move. The man fails the test because he is too quick to assume that what she "says" is what she "means".

Would it surprise you to learn that women are known to change their minds? :-) Of course not. But in the moment of what is happening, men are very dense and don't tend to remember this about women. They also might not be the type who wants to risk it, and so just turn and walk away. Women don't like that. They protect themselves, but secretly they want to be swept off their feet. This is because they want to be sure that if they are going to give up everything that they know and love, it had better be for a man who really wants and loves her.

Women "must" be open to moving because the man is the provider in the family and he cannot be "expected" to make a career change or find a new job if he is going to pursue her toward marriage. And the key to success for a Catholic woman today to find a good Catholic man is being completely open to moving wherever he is. There is nothing wrong with hoping he will do the relocating and having non-confrontational conversations about the possibility as you date. But women must never date a man with the expectation that they will change him in any way, or his path when it comes to his work. One of the primary things a man needs from a woman is support of him at the work level. If a woman does not support him at that level, she will have problems with him.

So this moving issue is a delicate one, but it is also an obvious one. The woman typically does the relocating and must expect it to be the case. However, a man must be open to considering the feelings of the woman on this matter, and even see if he is in a position to do the relocating. Obviously, it depends on the person and the love. If a man really loves a woman, he will do anything for her. If he can't relocate, he can find a way to reassure her that she will always have ample contact with her family, and in-person visits. If a woman gets that kind of reassurance, she very well might change her mind from "Absolutely not" to "Okay, I think I could."

A man must always be working slowly and steadily at making a woman feel secure in every way. So don't give up on a woman who says she won't move. That may not be the case. I understand that it is a risk to still pursue, but it may be worth it. And for the women who take these strong positions about relocating or anything else, they risk losing a good man if they are too absolute. It's not wise to assume every man will have the resolve to keep pursuing regardless of the firm stances. Leave the door cracked a bit so a man has something to work with. But don't be deceiving. If you will absolutely never move and you mean it and that's the end of it, then so be it. Be honest. But just expect to lose out on many opportunities. Many men cannot move on account of their jobs. And that is a legitimate reason. If a woman wants to be happily married, she should want a man who loves his work, because being a provider of a family is very keen to a man, and being successful at providing, no matter what the work, is typically very defining for a man. And when that ability to provide is threatened, it really affects a man deeply. Find a man happy in his work and you have a chance at a wonderful marriage. Don't readily let him go.

Dear Anthony,

What would be an acceptable number of members to be corresponding with on Ave Maria Singles at any given time? Should I contact only one member at a time and then move on to another, or should I correspond with many and then, once there is a connection, politely stop with the others?

Your question is a very good one, and an important one. It does not have a black-and-white answer, I'm afraid. It really depends on what you are comfortable with. I definitely encourage members to interact with more than one person at a time, and only the amount of people that they can comfortably handle having dialogue with. Yes, as one member becomes more interesting to you, begin to politely tell others whom you are less interested in that you need to stop corresponding. Tell them the truth. Everyone on the site should know that everyone else is doing the same thing; namely, interacting with other members at the same time in order to determine which person they want to invest more time and energy in. Here is an example of a polite way to stop corresponding with someone:

Dear [Name],

I'm so glad to have had the opportunity to correspond with you, but I need to stop corresponding at this time. There is another member I would like to spend more time getting to know. I am not sure if it will go anywhere further, but I believe I have to give it more of my time and energy. I am open to continuing to be in correspondence with you if you would like, but I felt it was important to tell you this. If you prefer not to correspond any further, I understand. I will be praying for you, and I ask that you pray for me. Thank you again for the times spent writing. It has been very flattering.

God bless you,
[Your name]

You can adjust this type of note in any way you wish. It really depends on whether you want to leave room or not to correspond again should it not work out with another member. If it did not work out with the other member and you wanted to get back in touch, you simply contact this person and say, "Just wanted you to know it did not work out with the member I told you about. I would love to correspond with you again, if you are open to it," and see what happens.

Some members correspond with many people at one time, and some can handle only one person at a time. Again, it all depends on what you are comfortable with. I just always ask that members not overextend themselves to the point of not being able to reply to a person in a timely manner. That would be rude, so we want to avoid that happening. Just at least say, "Got your message and will get back to you soon, thank you," or something like that. If you find it gets overwhelming, then decrease the amount of people you correspond with at one time and find your comfort zone.