Dear Anthony,

What would be an acceptable number of members to be corresponding with on Ave Maria Singles at any given time? Should I contact only one member at a time and then move on to another, or should I correspond with many and then, once there is a connection, politely stop with the others?

Your question is a very good one, and an important one. It does not have a black-and-white answer, I'm afraid. It really depends on what you are comfortable with. I definitely encourage members to interact with more than one person at a time, and only the amount of people that they can comfortably handle having dialogue with. Yes, as one member becomes more interesting to you, begin to politely tell others whom you are less interested in that you need to stop corresponding. Tell them the truth. Everyone on the site should know that everyone else is doing the same thing; namely, interacting with other members at the same time in order to determine which person they want to invest more time and energy in. Here is an example of a polite way to stop corresponding with someone:

Dear [Name],

I'm so glad to have had the opportunity to correspond with you, but I need to stop corresponding at this time. There is another member I would like to spend more time getting to know. I am not sure if it will go anywhere further, but I believe I have to give it more of my time and energy. I am open to continuing to be in correspondence with you if you would like, but I felt it was important to tell you this. If you prefer not to correspond any further, I understand. I will be praying for you, and I ask that you pray for me. Thank you again for the times spent writing. It has been very flattering.

God bless you,
[Your name]

You can adjust this type of note in any way you wish. It really depends on whether you want to leave room or not to correspond again should it not work out with another member. If it did not work out with the other member and you wanted to get back in touch, you simply contact this person and say, "Just wanted you to know it did not work out with the member I told you about. I would love to correspond with you again, if you are open to it," and see what happens.

Some members correspond with many people at one time, and some can handle only one person at a time. Again, it all depends on what you are comfortable with. I just always ask that members not overextend themselves to the point of not being able to reply to a person in a timely manner. That would be rude, so we want to avoid that happening. Just at least say, "Got your message and will get back to you soon, thank you," or something like that. If you find it gets overwhelming, then decrease the amount of people you correspond with at one time and find your comfort zone.

Dear Anthony,

I am a new female member of Ave Maria Singles. If I am interested in initiating contact with a member, how should I word the first message? Can you give me an example?

For a woman making first contact, this should be done in a way that simply points out something of interest or that you noticed on the man's profile. For example, you might have been impressed with what he wrote about his devotion to the Blessed Mother. Just write a little something about what you noticed and impressed you. Here is a full example:

Dear [Name],

I wanted to contact you to tell you how impressed I was with what you wrote about your devotion to the Blessed Mother. It was really beautiful. I also have a strong devotion to her and can't imagine not being close to her. You are obviously close to her. I pray that she will always remain close to you.

God bless you,
[Your name]

The above note is enough to get a man's attention without sounding like you are "pursuing". If he is not interested or does not know what to do with a note like that, you will not hear from him and you just leave it at that. Do this kind of thing with any man you are interested in. Men need that little bit of leading and effort by women to show them they are welcome. A man who is interested will know what to do next, and he will take over the leading role from that point forward.

Dear Anthony,

I have been corresponding with another member of Ave Maria Singles and we have decided to meet in person. He will be coming to visit me in my town. My concern is that, though we have spoken on the phone a few times, he is still a stranger. I know I should be cautious when meeting someone for the first time, but at some point we will likely be alone together in a car, such as when I pick him up at the airport. Do you have any suggestions on how I could approach this issue without making him uncomfortable?

Your concerns are quite natural, and not to be disregarded or put aside lightly. You are absolutely right that this person is a stranger. But you will quickly get an impression of him once you get to spend some time with him. More than likely, he will turn out to be a harmless person and probably very nice (regardless of whether or not further attraction is there or you pursue the relationship further after the meeting).

But a woman has to be comfortable, and it should be the man's desire to always want to make the woman feel comfortable. I don't see anything wrong with talking to him on the phone and sharing this feeling about alone time with him based on not really knowing him yet at the "in person" level. He should be very understanding when you share it. I guess it depends on how you share it, too. Perhaps the best approach is to say something like, "I'm looking forward to meeting you. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I am just concerned about being alone with you during this first meeting. I'm sure you are a wonderful person, but as a woman, I can't help having a slight concern." And then you can go on to ask him if you can both work this out together, before the meeting, with ideas on how to help you overcome this concern.

Again, he should be very eager to accommodate you and be very understanding. If he takes it personally or does or says anything to make you feel uncomfortable (or maybe even make you feel stupid for having such a concern), then don't bother meeting him in person at all. You will have saved yourself a wasted weekend.

Another suggestion (one I would offer a woman if she had voiced this concern with meeting me for the first time) is to meet somewhere at the airport for an hour or two for coffee or lunch or something. The airport is an immediate public place that offers a great opportunity to be alone without being completely "alone". If you are picking him up, that is what I would suggest. If you don't feel comfortable with him after that initial time, then you should call someone to come pick up both of you :-) Or maybe he should just catch the next flight home from there. More than likely, you will get comfortable enough to drive back to where you are going.

I am not a big fan of isolated alone time for a man and a woman who are not married. For a first meeting, you have the concerns you are voicing here. But for a couple developing a relationship, there are the other sexual attraction factors. Being completely alone together is just an overall bad idea. Obviously, some things cannot be avoided, like driving together in the car. But a car is different from an apartment. For your purposes, perhaps you should have a friend or relative drive with you to the airport to pick him up. Again, you can get some time to break the ice while not being completely alone.

I believe for the most part you can relax about this, while at the same time being reasonably prudent. My strongest advice is to talk about it with him beforehand by phone.

Dear Anthony,

I'm in my 40s and have never been married. I've been chatting with a wonderful woman on Ave Maria Singles and she is open to meeting. I live on the west coast and she lives on the east coast. The problem is that I have a terrible fear of flying and she would have to come to where I am to meet for the first time. She is open to that, but I am concerned about how we would maintain this relationship. I'm not sure what to do. What do you think?

I appreciate your situation and feel for you. I can't help feeling, though, that at some point you are going to have to confront and overcome your fear of flying. If you can't, or you don't think you want to try, you will have to stop considering someone who is flying distance away. A long-distance relationship is challenging, but it can be done. Those that are successful are because both persons made all the necessary sacrifices and efforts, primarily a commitment to spend time with each other in person. Depending on the situation, it varies how often the two can meet in person. But meeting in person is essential, and the more often you can meet in person, the better chance the long-distance relationship has of moving in a healthy way towards marriage.

Seventy percent of our success stories are of two people from different states, so I am not at all surprised that you are interested in a woman who is so far away. But how are you going to make this work if you can't ever visit her because of your fear of flying? I'm not sure how you could sustain it. That's fine to fly her out for the first meeting, but after that, you will have to start flying to her, don't you think? It only seems fair. Does she know you have a fear of flying? If not, she needs to know before you set up a first meeting. But I'm not sure you should even put her through a first meeting if you already know you can't ever get on a plane. Have you even given this any thought?

Perhaps she will still want to meet you for the first time with an openness to doing all the flying to you in your relationship. If she does, than God bless her. But it might be that she has an enthusiasm that cannot be sustained. The realities of life as time goes along might not make this sincere desire of hers practical to keep up with. I also don't think it would be fair to "expect" her to do all the traveling. So you have to be very careful about how you approach this. Make sure you always show her a concern for how this would work out from a travel perspective.

But there is more to it than just the two of you. What about her family and friends? Critical to determining if you should marry a person is meeting and being with each other's family and friends. You learn a great deal about a person when you see them interact with their family and friends. This is a very important thing. If you never visit her, that means you won't get time with her family and friends. That is not good at all. Something to think about.

There is a positive to proceeding to have a first meeting. It's possible that your strong interest in her after your first meeting could provide a grace to help you overcome your fear of flying, and you just might find yourself with the courage to get on a plane and fly to her next time. Love makes us do crazy things :-) And if this first meeting goes so great that you really want to see her again, and/or she wants to see you again, perhaps you will be "crazy" enough to get on that plane.

If you do decide on having the first meeting, just make sure you pay all her expenses. And make sure she understands the risk that you both might like each other and want to meet again, but it does not happen due to this fear of flying.

This also means that your fear of flying affects your meeting any other women after this one. Again, you have a great chance of meeting your future wife if you are able to meet women in person who are in flying distance. Your chances greatly diminish if you can't fly. But if you can't fly, then you can't fly; that's your reality to accept. But if that is, in fact, your reality, than you must be responsible in your online interactions with women and ONLY make contact with women you know you can eventually meet in person. Don't start a dialogue with anyone who is a plane ride away. That just isn't fair to her, nor to you. Your interest in this particularly woman is proof that your finding a future spouse will mean being open to someone who is only in flying distance. If you limit yourself to someone local, which you are free to do, your chances of finding the right woman are more unlikely. Not impossible, but less likely. I think you see where I am going with this.

Of course, the better solution is to get professional help and overcome this fear of flying once and for all, in the name of your vocation, your love for God, and for the sake of your future wife. This would make things easier, and I believe it would also make your chances of actually getting married much better. There is a chance that this fear of flying will keep you from every getting into your vocation. Certainly, it may very well keep you from getting married sooner rather than later (which is what most people desire).

All fears are an evil. They are not of God, and they should be confronted and dealt with to the point of having no more fear. And fears notoriously keep people from living life as abundantly as the Lord desires to have us live. To overcome fears is to be truly free, and allow us to live life to the fullest. In your case, the life your fear may be keeping you from is married life, which is pretty significant, I would say.

You really need to overcome that fear of flying. Even if this relationship does not work out, you jeopardize any future relationship because of this fear. So get some professional help, pray, and conquer this problem. Then you will be free to do whatever it takes, as God inspires, to develop a healthy relationship and get into your vocation one day soon.

Dear Anthony,

I've seen several single mothers on Ave Maria Singles who are available for sacramental marriage and would make wonderful wives. But I think I would be more willing to approach a single mother if she were to indicate on her profile that her child's father was out of the picture. Do you have any thoughts on this?

This is a great observation on your part and also addresses something very important for single mothers to realize. You are right that many of these single mothers are available for sacramental marriage and will make great wives and mothers. We have had many single mothers over the years find their husband on Ave Maria Singles. So I know firsthand that it can happen for them.

But there is a great concern on the part of single mothers as to whether there are men out there willing to marry them if they have a child or children. I think this point you are bringing up is key. What you are saying is that men are likely hesitant to make an initial contact to a single mother due to the unknown regarding the situation with the father of the child/children, and that men would be much more inclined to make contact if they knew that the father was not going to be involved. And it would be a help if a woman would spell that out more regarding their situation with the child's father.

This is the whole "baggage" issue. Both men and women tend to be careful about getting involved with someone who has situations or past issues that are perceived to make for a difficult life. No one is too excited about dealing with someone else's "baggage", so they are more prone to shy away from getting involved in the first place (and certainly to get out early on in order not to have to deal with it in any long-term relationship). It takes a special kind of person (and probably a powerful degree of love for the other person that is already present) to accept another person's "baggage" as well as the person him- or herself. It does happen, but it is more unlikely.

Don't get me wrong. Everyone has some kind of issues to deal with (thus, "baggage"). That's why it is so critical for each person to have a handle on their issues as far as possible as they go into being open to marriage and start dating. It is much more powerful to have dealt with, or at least identified, our issues so the baggage is minimal. It is the fear of having to manage another person's baggage, or the fear of how that baggage will disrupt or damage a relationship, that makes someone shy away from another person. But that fear is diminished or extinguished if the person displays that they are fully aware of their baggage and that they do not "need" someone to take over responsibility for their baggage.

Do you see what I mean? That's why it is foolish for someone to see the baggage another person has and just turn and run. That is a premature reaction (and even an immature reaction, because it implies they, themselves, have no baggage that another person should be concerned with).

So let us all work hard to acknowledge our baggage and be ready to present it with full disclosure to another person, and see to it that the other person is not being asked to deal and accept this baggage despite themselves. In other words, who wants to marry a person who says, "Hey, this is me, take it or leave it"? No, we want a person who is able to say that they have things to continually work on and that their patience, understanding, forgiveness, and prayers are all much appreciated. And in turn, they do the same for the other. That, after all, is what marriage is.

Now, there is some "baggage" that nothing can be done about. I certainly hate to associate a child with being "baggage", and I'm sure you will understand that I do not. A child is a gift of God and a tremendous blessing. For a single mother, however, their child or children put them at a disadvantage in the dating arena, especially online dating. For better or for worse, their having a child causes an initial negative reaction in men. It makes sense, doesn't it, at a very specific level? Men don't tend to seek starting their married life with a child immediately present, and certainly not their own child. We need to accept that this is a normal reaction. But a good man will quickly realize that this negative reaction is not of God, and will be open to the idea of accepting someone else's child as they allow themselves to be open to the woman. All men should have this openness, and realize that it is very possible God wants them to be open to a woman who has a child or children.

At our first Ave Maria Singles retreat in May 2007, during our faith-sharing session at the end of the retreat, we were all touched and amazed at the testimony of a man who came to the retreat specifically to figure out if he should ask the woman he was seeing to marry him. Why such a dramatic effort to decide on something so common as asking a woman for her hand in marriage? This woman had seven children and he just was not sure he wanted to take on that responsibility. You see, he was open to being moved to such generosity by attending the retreat, and he stated on that last retreat day that he was going home and would ask her to marry him.

That is the kind of miracle that can happen to any man who is truly open to God's will. And he will find that being open to someone else's children actually adds to his existence, not takes away from it. This is, therefore, why I hate including a child in the "baggage" category. They are NEVER baggage. They are a blessing. A man who avoids any single mothers is making a mistake. Or at the very least, he is implying that a child is a negative in a woman he might consider dating instead of a positive.

Yes, a man has every right to want to find a woman who has no children and start out his marriage with no children, and have his own natural children. But men need to be always asking themselves hard questions to discover where they might truly be before God in their hearts and attitudes. This lack of openness to a single mother could also imply a lack of openness to adoption. What if the wife he was so careful to handpick for her ability to give him children discovers within the marriage that she is unable to have children? Or, not so uncommon, that HE is the one not able to impregnate his wife? Will he be open to adoption? Probably so, because he will have been humbled by the experience of their infertility as a couple.

Why does God have to always humble us before we will be open to doing all things that are good and pleasing in His eyes? If a man can say "Yes, I would be open to adoption if we were not able to have our own kids," then why not be open a woman who has a child or children when dating? This man at the May 2007 retreat was surprised by the joy he has found being the instant father of seven. He is a very rare man. And that is a rare situation. Most single mothers have one child. Being open to being a father to a woman's child is not at all so bad. In fact, it is noble, and likely a blessing to the man, not just the child. And does it not emulate the actions of another famous man who was asked to be the foster father of a child that was not his, that was conceived to a woman he was not married to and whom he was told by God to be open to?

Sorry to avoid your main question all this time, but it does have a purpose. And I guess what I am trying to say is to not be hesitant to contact any single mother on the site just because you do not yet know if the father of the child is out of the picture or not. That is an unreasonable thing to demand on a good Catholic woman who is a single mother and putting herself out there to the men with faith and trust that she will be seen as the good woman she is and the precious gift her child is, don't you think? You really want her to, on top of putting herself out there so vulnerably, also say on her profile that the father of the child is or is not out of the picture? Don't you think she will know that by saying the father is still in the picture that she is killing her chances?

My advice is that you, and all men, is just go ahead and contact women that you find interesting, and trust in God. If the woman has a child, then so be it. You can deal with the dynamics of that as you go along and decide things accordingly. If you end up really liking this woman and her child, but then find out that the father is still in the picture at some level, then you deal with that accordingly as it happens. There are many, many situations where a father might still be in the picture but it is completely civil and harmless to a situation.

BUT BY ALL MEANS, do NOT avoid making an initial contact with a woman you find interesting or attractive because of "assumptions" as to what it might all mean for her to have a child and what is the deal with the father. You have to leave some things to faith and trust in God. After all, who is in control here, God or you? And must all our efforts to find love be easy roads? So many are missing their opportunities because they don't understand that finding love in marriage is a great prize, and such a prize does not come without a great price.

Dear Anthony,

I have gotten many responses to my profile but no action. Why is it these men are such great talkers but seem to be really interested only in someone to write to and chat with?

Great question, and it does seem apparent that there is a real problem of commitment among men. I have to first say that there are plenty of men who are action-takers and willing to make a commitment to a woman when the time and person are right. So don't be discouraged.

Having said that, I think it is fair to say that there is an "epidemic" of men who will not make a vocation decision that will alter the rest of their lives, whether that is marriage or the priesthood. I have no doubt they like the concept of being in their vocation, but they don't like the process required to make the commitment. I think a lot of it has to do with their not liking the fact that it is themselves, and not God, who is ultimately responsible for making the decision. By waiting for God to reveal 100% what they should do takes the responsibility off them. Women can be like this, too. We all have a desire to know "for certain" what God wants of us. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. There is no way to know anything "for certain".

Therefore, we must be people of faith, who go out on a limb, or take a chance, who risk it all. And that is at the heart of the definition of a true "man". That is also the problem. Men don't want responsibility, even for themselves, so they lead lives of putting off. They don't want to take a risk that they might end up regretting, so they make no major decisions at all.

This is the epidemic: men who don't want to make the WRONG choice. Instead, what we need are men who walk in faith and make choices, period. Men who don't fear making a wrong choice, but rather rejoice in taking action and living with the consequences. What these men who fear don't understand is that is there is great peace and joy in moving forward in life by making decisions, commitments, and acting in faith. Sure, they have faith and as Catholics they believe they should act on their faith. But so many do not take that concept further than religious practice. In other words, they feel they are men of great faith because they go to Mass or to Confession, or give alms to the poor, etc. Yet, at the same time, they are trying to control their own destiny for the things related to their personal everyday life.

This kind of Christian is not one who truly believes in God as Father, or Our Lady as Mother, and certainly not Jesus as Brother. Where is the faith that God will not allow us to make a decision that is beyond repair, or that can't be blessed by Him? This fear of choosing a woman and making a lifelong commitment to her is selfish pride in action. It is not faith, nor trust in God.

As you pointed out so accurately, men can be great "talkers" but have no follow-through. They don't realize that they are leading the women on. They are not careful about what they say and how long they communicate. And in the end, they just fizzle to a stop like a soda that goes flat. Then, they are content to see it end and just move on to the next person to continue the perpetual game (that has no ending, by the way) of searching for one person they claim will be "the right one", yet have no way of really knowing that information for certain.

The fact is they don't act. They don't decide. And therefore, the act of NOT deciding is actually a decision. The have decided to NOT act. Then they hide behind God as an excuse by saying, "She is not the right person God has for me."

I gave a talk recently where I encouraged the men to take St. Joseph's lead. He took action in everything and allowed God, whom St. Joseph trusted in completely and lived his life to serve, to redirect him if his action was wrong. In the Scriptures, there is a very big mistake he is about to make. He decides to put away Our Lady in a quiet divorce. But God intercedes through the angel and tells St. Joseph it's okay to take her as his wife. And then immediately he takes action to correct his wrong action.

It is only in our taking action (making decisions) and moving forward that we will ever really learn what God wants. And I can assure you that we learn how to be good spouses only by being a spouse. It's an "on-the-job" training in so many ways. If we are living lives close to God, and we trust Him as our Father, He is not going to let us make a fatal mistake. There is nothing wrong with men taking action to ask women out, meet them in person, or even to ask one to marry them. Why they don't do all these things is beyond me. Perhaps they are too cheap to pay for dates with someone. Perhaps they are too afraid they will end up with someone who will not make them perfectly happy. Perhaps they don't trust a woman to let him be the man he wants to be. Whatever it is, it is crippling these men and causing the women to suffer the perpetual "waiting on the man".

In all the "perhaps" comments, there is selfishness and a desire to "want", not to love and serve. To love is to seek the interests and happiness of the other in all things. To serve is to give of oneself for the sake of the other in all things.

I think perhaps these men don't want to love or serve. They want to BE loved and want to BE served so all their pleasures and expectations of life are satisfied. If I am wrong, I would love the men to come forward and correct me. But how can it be denied that men are NOT marrying women? And many are not even dating women seriously. Men need to stop "hunting" for a woman with whom he will be pleased enough to marry. They have to start seeing how their role is to find the woman they will choose to love (which means unconditionally, and despite getting anything in return) and serve. They just don't realize that that is the key to their happiness, and they are wrong in thinking they will be happy if they find the one who satisfies all their needs.

There is a lot to this issue that can't be covered in this response to you. The answers have to come from men in order to get to the bottom of this problem. It would be great to hear more from men and get their reactions to these observations by people like me and by women. Women are much more open to voicing problems and concerns. Men seem content to keep these things to themselves, and don't want to come across as complainers. But I think also that many men don't think they have any problems at all, and that these issues women have with men are just misunderstandings and injustices by complaining women.

So that is why it has been much harder for me to help men. But I am trying. I want to work with men, I want to understand them more, and I want to help them where I can. But in the end, ultimately, I want of men what God wants of men; namely, to grow up, take action in choosing a wife (make a decision), and move on with their vocation, which is the primary purpose of their life.

Dear Anthony,

What would you say is the appropriate amount of time to correspond with someone before meeting in person? And when should a person stop corresponding if there is no initiative to meet?

Two very good questions. Unfortunately, there is nothing absolute. Every situation is different. However, a woman always has to look for "commitment moves" from men in order to continue giving them credibility in this process. "Commitment moves" are signs of moving forward or that a man is capable of moving forward. The last thing a woman should do is waste her time with a man who just wants to hang out. And since women are not in a position to initially say "Are you a guy who will take steps toward commitment?", they have to be able to observe the signs and act accordingly.

With that said, I think there some general benchmarks that can help Catholics using online dating regarding when to meet in person and when to stop corresponding.

First, you have to be corresponding regularly to justify asking these questions. If you are only writing one exchange per week or more, you are not in a serious correspondence, and therefore do not have the first commitment move. You know you have someone you can potentially meet in person if you are writing each other many times per week.

Once you are writing a lot, it should not be more than four weeks before you should be at least "talking about" meeting in person, if not actually making plans to meet. At this point also there should be interest to talk by phone. Meeting in person should actually happen between one and two months of the initial written contact. If the man does not mention the idea of meeting in person after four weeks of regular correspondence, then you should be considering cutting things off. Again, there are no absolutes, so you have to consider the individual, but it is very rare that a man who is interested in a woman will put off the next level of pursuing after so long. If he is not asking about speaking on the phone, then it might be time to end it.

Now, by "end it", I don't necessarily mean cut off correspondence. What I really mean is to start seriously engaging in correspondence with other men and meeting them (which you should be doing anyway). Many times women allow themselves to believe that because they are involved in heavy written exchange with a man online that he is very interested in her, and she feels she should focus on just him. That's a bad idea! Again, women MUST look for commitment moves from men before they start to consider stepping back from others. If a woman senses a man is serious about pursuing her, she will wait for him. Men who hold back showing any signs of commitment (even the commitment to meet) might not be serious about making the commitment to marriage. So men have to step up and take risks and ACT!! This is the sign a woman needs to stick around. Women who stick around anyway in the "hope" he will act are just setting themselves up for being hurt and wasting valuable time. Maybe he will come around eventually, but from my experience it rarely happens, and so many women have been hurt because the man never showed further interest. Then they wonder why the correspondence suddenly ended.

What if after several weeks of heavy correspondence he does not talk about speaking on the phone or meeting in person, but you really like him? This is tricky for a woman to do, but you should consider giving him a nudge by mentioning that you are open to talking by phone or meeting in person if he is. Men sometimes need just that little sign from a woman before they have confidence enough to take on a more firm leadership role. But after that first time, you should not do it again. Men are not attracted to women who continuously try to lead things along. It can be interpreted as being pushy or seeming desperate, etc. Give the man a nudge and then let it him take over.

If you don't get any serious interest from him as a result, then you should consider saying something like, "I have enjoyed corresponding with you and would like to get to know you more, but I am not open to just writing and believe that meeting in person is the best way to get to know if something more serious is possible to develop with someone."

A wise man will take this as a sign to step up, and a good man who doesn't want to lose the opportunity with a good woman will do the stepping up. A weak, indecisive man will fizzle away. And then you will have wasted only a month of your time and not many months, or years, for that matter. Some men will feel rejected by this. But that would be a foolish response, because a note like that clearly indicates you are interested and want a commitment move, otherwise you can't waste your time. I say this because I also know that many women are nervous to make this kind of statement out of concern that the man will be scared off and correspondence will stop (which is not a good feeling). But please be assured, a good man will be refreshed to hear this kind of thing from a woman and his respect level will increase.

Sometimes men do not see any rush for anything in their life, including meeting a woman in person. They can have bad reasons why they are not open to meeting women in person, even on a site like Ave Maria Singles that is meant for marriage-minded, committed Catholic singles. It could be they don't want to spend any money on meeting someone in person (especially if it means traveling a long distance). Perhaps they like the feeling of dialoguing with women in writing but are not comfortable meeting in person. I have heard lots of reasons why men put off making the very first basic "commitment move" of meeting in person or talking on the phone. Some are flat-out afraid to meet women in person. Some don't want to make the financial investment required to date a woman, especially if it means traveling to meet, including long distances. Whatever the reason, the bottom line is that many men are not making the move to meet. I know of one of our couples who were not able to meet for six months at first. But they were talking about it almost right away. He was serious about meeting, but they had legitimate circumstances that kept it from happening. But they were talking on the phone and making plans to meet at the opportune time.

I really feel that a man should never enter into a correspondence with a woman in an online Catholic dating situation unless he is prepared to meet her in person if things go well in writing. It's not really fair to get a woman's hopes up only to end up saying (or not saying, but just not acting) that he can't meet in person.

So don't set yourself up for being hurt by allowing him to prolong your corresponding or by putting too much hope in his making a move. Women have only themselves to blame for letting it go on for so long. Men subconsciously don't respect a woman that lets them get away with not acting on the relationship properly or taking risks in the name of finding their future spouse. If a woman will let a man do nothing serious or say anything that shows a move toward a serious relationship or marriage itself, then he might still write to her because he enjoys the attention and feeling of a woman interested in him, but he will never respect her enough to pursue her.

My opinion of the general rule of thumb for online dating is that you should be talking seriously about meeting in person after a month of writing, talking on the phone by the end of that month, and meeting in person within one to two months. Once you meet in person, if there is desire to continue the relationship, then meet in person at least every two weeks for a couple of concentrated days together (this is primarily for long-distance relationships where travel is necessary). It should take only two months of meeting every two weeks (if the time is spent wisely; namely, with a lot of talking, sharing life goals and vision, worshipping together, meeting family and friends, asking good questions, etc.) to know if you want to be exclusive with each other (courtship), which is then a time period in which you determine if there is any reason you should NOT get engaged to be married.

Dear Anthony,

It seems I’m continually meeting Mr. Wrong — men who claim to be devout Catholics but turn out to be arrogant or unfaithful or abusive or into pornography, etc. Where are the men who live up to what they say they are?

I can appreciate all you have been through and how frustrating it is. I also agree with you about the confusion of men who say they are practicing Catholics but have emotional problems, show immaturity or arrogance, are verbally/physically abusive, or are addicted to pornography. Women, of course, have their "problems", too. There are definitely good men out there, though they seem hard to find. I think it is something much more than just Mr. or Ms. Right. There are so many potentially great spouses out there (men and women) who just aren't quite there yet (and may not know it), and whose potential is overlooked due to their so-called "issues".

The bottom line is that both men and women need to be working hard on themselves by God's grace to lead a single-minded, consistent, balanced life. This means that we rid ourselves of living dual lives (dream world vs. real world), of contradictions in the way we live our lives, of any excesses or extremes, of all things that are occasions of sin or distracting to our call to holiness, and from all excuses for why we are not what or who we should be before God and before others. We have to stop having a disordered existence. Our Christian call includes an ordered life, both internally and externally. It is a life of Christ's peace. St. Augustine said that peace is the tranquility of order. I love that he used that word "tranquility". And to apply that word to "order" seems kind of strange at first. But it makes perfect sense. An ordered life is freedom. And that freedom is peace; the peace that comes from Christ. Therefore, despite what is happening around us, we have a consistent tranquility because our lives are ordered always in the direction of Christ through the way we live our lives. So if any aspect of our life is disordered, Christ's peace does not reside with us.

I believe that a person who will make a good spouse is an ordered person, not a disordered person. And if he or she has some disorders, then knowing that and seeking order also makes them great potential spouses, because knowing your disorders and working on them is the sign of walking with the Lord.

But you don't hear men and women talking about the concept of an ordered life when they are dating or seeking their future spouse. But they should. Disorder is all around us, and modern society seems to be hell-bent on helping people become disordered (and making money off of that, of course). But we can't blame everything on society. Grown men and women should be able to know right and wrong, and have the capacity to make good choices for themselves and (if married) for their children. And if we also claim to be Christians, then we should be people of prayer and a sacramental life, which will provide us the Holy Spirit and grace to be able to see through these things that can lead to a disordered life. Finally, we should be people who work on knowing ourselves so that we understand the things we cannot do or partake in that can lead to disorder.

I know that sexual pleasure plays a major role in this disordered life I am speaking of. You seem to be a woman seeking to be a Proverbs 31 wife in a world of men that want a sexually casual and active girlfriend to hang out with. Sex seems to no longer mean responsibility for future children, but pure pleasure. And approaching dating no longer means a path to service of another in self-donation for the other's sake in the sacred institution of marriage, but selfishness and "What do I get out of this?"

You need a man who seeks the scriptural outline of a husband and who works on being virtuous. I know they seem hard to find, but they are out there. Just try not to overlook the ones that have potential, even if they are not quite there yet. I firmly believe that there are many "diamonds in the rough" out there. These are men who are substantially "good" but have strong influences from the world (many times without knowing it) and who have weak wills, and when they give in to temptation with a woman or try to be forward or pushy, could very readily be "led" by the woman into realizing they are wrong about this approach, and then subsequently reform. Basically, the gentle woman who takes a stand but is willing to forget about what the man tried to do could win his heart by her generosity. Again, I am talking about men who are not too far gone. Those addicted to sex or pornography or who have serious emotional or mental issues are not marriage material, nor should they be dating. But many men can honestly "slip up". If they are forgiven, gently handled and allowed another chance, that has great power to change a man and edify him toward the woman who does that. She is proving to be a great woman (and this kind of woman is rare).

So keep hope alive and persevere. The man you seek is out there. Don't let the "Mr. Wrongs" get you down. Pray for them. It will give you more strength and fill your heart with more charity and trust for men. Don't be surprised by these failures in men. And don't be too quick to dismiss every man who does something stupid or foolish as being Mr. Wrong. Men do stupid things. So men need a woman who can see the good in them and support and encourage that. They are attracted to a gentle woman whose strength is in her power to forgive when she has a right to cut off. Men also need a woman who can challenge them to be better than we think we are, without coming down hard or holding it over on them, especially at the moments they are not very impressive. That gentle leadership by a good woman helps men to take over the leadership role and never look back.

Dear Anthony,

After a slow start on Ave Maria Singles, I’m now somewhat overwhelmed with corresponding with several women at once. It’s hard for me to turn anyone away. I don’t want to spread myself too thin, yet I don’t want to lose an opportunity with a new person either. How many would you say is too many to be writing to at the same time?

Great question. I'm glad you are having this problem :-) It's certainly better than no correspondences. I'm glad you are being conscientious about this situation. You definitely don't want to make anyone feel hurt or bad.

Regarding how many to write to at one time, my answer is to dialogue with as many as you can handle. I am a strong advocate of putting yourself out there to interact with as many single persons as you can in order to discover (and it IS a discovering process) the person you want to focus your efforts on toward seriousness. It might happen that you start narrowing down those you take more effort with, until you finally get to the point where there is one person you want to devote your entire attention to. Then, once you are in a "serious" relationship (which means you are exclusive), you enter "courtship" (which is the process of moving toward engagement to be married by discovering if there is any reason you should NOT marry this person).

I guess that does not answer your question exactly. That is because it is different for each person. Some people just can't handle writing to more than one person at a time. For some, it will be two or three. Then there are those who are so dedicated to the process of finding someone that they invest a lot of time in corresponding with many, many people and narrow it down as rapidly as possible. But this anxiousness can backfire. So many men take the inappropriate (and self-destructive) route of copying and pasting some very short, insincere, generic note that women can spot right away and are turned off by. For example: "Hi, saw your profile, write me if you want," or something like that. It is critical that your initial contacts makes sense if you are going to write to many people. If you plan to write something like I just gave as an example, then don't bother writing at all. No one (especially women) likes getting an initial contact from someone that shows no evidence of even reading their profile. It is a turnoff and will get you nowhere, as well as waste your time.

A great initial contact is at least a good paragraph or two that shares something about what you liked about their profile as well as something about yourself. For women who don't like initiating a contact, their strategy is to briefly share something she liked about his profile and leave it at that. A man knows what to do with that. If he doesn't, then he is not for her. At any rate, keeping dialogue with several or many members is challenging. But unless it can be done in a way that shows real interest and sincerity (and not like you are saying the same thing to everyone), then it can't be very effective. In other words, every message to someone should be customized to that person. Everyone, especially a woman, needs to feel unique and special. After all, the person you marry has to be someone who stands out above the rest. A well-written message will go a long way in making someone feel that way, and help with the chances of finding the person you are praying for.

This is the nature of meeting someone online. It's a lot of work, so it has to be carefully done, and you have to choose how many you write to at a practical level so this level of attention and customization can be maintained. It's hard to do this in person specifically because once in person, you are automatically at a more intimate level and you are dealing your time that demands more of the "physical presence". Until you meet people in person (which should be the goal of anyone you start writing to), you just keep writing to people who seem interesting and trying to discover who you more inclined to want to meet in person.

It should not take more than a month or two to meet someone in person. Otherwise, you risk wasting your time and the other person's time with endless written dialogue. Once you start meeting people in person, you realistically cannot manage more than one to three people at a time.

As for what to say to those you are no longer interested in, again, this is the nature of meeting someone online. Everyone has to know that everyone else is doing the same kind of scrutinizing in their searches and decisions about corresponding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "I think you are very interesting, but it would not be fair to you if I wrote any further because I am writing to a few people now. I would like to see where they lead. But if they do not lead anywhere, it would be an honor to correspond with you. I hope you understand. I will pray for you. Please pray for me." I'm sure many members will agree that just getting any reply at all would be an improvement. So writing some reply is great, but writing something like this is even better.

Anyone who does not appreciate a reply like that is not cut out for online dating. They should just do what they can to meet people offline wherever they can. It takes thick skin and a real commitment to the process in order to have success with online dating. It is not right for people to take anything "personally". No one is deliberately out to get anyone else. They just want to meet the one person they are praying for toward marriage. At the same time, you (and others) should not feel bad about having to tell members you do not have the capability of writing. No need to say "not interested." Rather, say you would be interested in writing if you were not doing so with others, and will be open to doing so if circumstances change.

Dear Anthony,

I am in my 50s and was corresponding with a man in his 60s. He eventually revealed that he was hoping to find someone in her 30s so he that he could raise a family. I was quite surprised that he thought such an age difference was realistic — I know I don’t. What are your thoughts?

Yes, I know this is confusing for women to experience, and I believe you have the right position. A man in his 60's has little to no chance of getting a woman in her 30's to marry him. Stats prove this, and I have had enough women tell me it is "creepy" to hear from a man 15+ years older to know that this man is wasting his time. And to maintain a hope of naturally fathering children at that age is probably ridiculous, and certainly foolish. He's just not thinking of the big picture, and lacks consideration for anyone but himself. It also could be a sign of arrogance to think that God continues to ask him to put off considering a good woman like yourself of his age group because God wants him to father children.

I hate to say this, but I am praying that he is just giving you "a line" to make it easier on you instead of just coming out and saying "I'm not interested," because the alternative is just not an alternative in my mind (which is that he really believes he will find a much younger woman to marry him and give him children). And I am talking about "Catholic" women here. Perhaps there are "gold digger"-type Catholic women out there who will welcome such a union for the purpose of inheriting a bundle of money once he is dead (10 to 20 years at the most might seem like a good investment to some 32-year-old women), but gold diggers don't tend to want to be "mothers" of the children of men that much older. And this is all assuming he is a rich man, which I am doubting.

Passing up a woman of his age in hopes of a younger woman of child-bearing years is delusional. How much time does he really think he has left to live in this world, let alone to wait for this woman to come along? His delusion will very likely take him to the end of his life having never enjoyed the companionship and love and devotion of a good woman like yourself who, though you cannot give him natural children, could give him happiness like he has never experienced, and give HIM the opportunity to live the vocation God called him to, which is to serve. I am always amazed that there are some people out there who look happiness straight in the eye and pass on it.

Sad to say, what you are experiencing is a very common problem with Catholic men today. And no Catholic man has come forward to challenge me on this position. The bottom line: many single Catholic men today are making very bad decisions about whom they are looking for, and they are making no decisions at all, when they should be. They seek fantasy and idealism, but have no sense of the practical nature of their call to marriage. Thus, they keep getting older and remain unmarried because the fantasy and idealistic desire continues to fool them into thinking it is just around the corner. And their lack of decision to marry is, in fact, a decision. The decision is "I will not serve anyone", "I would rather be to myself".

In the meantime, the women ready to give a man love and devotion (and children) are getting older, too, and they are not getting asked out or a proposal of marriage. And babies are not being conceived and born that should be. It crushes my heart to encounter so many women who are approaching an age (or have reached it) where they can no longer conceive children, when they were very ready to marry and have a family, but live in a time when men just don't make decisions or commitments in marriage. It's extremely sad.