Dear Anthony,

I saw one of your Road to Cana segments that talks about romance, friendship, and intimacy as part of dating. Can you expand on what is appropriate in a dating relationship for encouraging romance, affection, and intimacy in a chaste and holy manner, especially for those in their 40s? I haven't been able to find any literature on this subject.

The same rules pretty much apply to older singles that apply to younger ones. Dating is a process, and within the process are expectations. The first expectation is that both persons are positively open to finding their future spouse and they are spending time with each other specifically because they want to determine if the other might be that person for their future marriage. The second expectation is that both persons are serious about staying close to God and having a chaste dating experience. That means both persons are interested in making sure the relationship develops without having sexually related things happen that are reserved only for marriage. What are those things? Obviously, intercourse is the big one. But also any physical actions that would stimulate or cause arousal. For example, kissing on the lips for a few seconds can be a nice sign of affection and does not typically stimulate or arouse. But a "French kiss" (a kiss with the tongue) or prolonged kissing on the lips along with pressing the other against you will naturally stimulate and arouse.

So the rule of thumb is to avoid anything physical that can stimulate and arouse you or the other person to desire something more sexually. You don't want to put each other into an occasion of sin, and you want to respect each other. However, as fallen human nature will have it, people fail in this area and they either try to get the other to do more than they should, or both concede to do more. Scrupulosity would cause one or both persons to see these failures as a sign that the other person is no good for them and to end the relationship. Or one of the persons might see the other's desire for them sexually as a sign that this person is no good for them because of their sexual interest in them outside of marriage. It's good to not be too hard on each other. It's a challenging age we live in, so we should be quicker to give people the benefit of the doubt and not quick to make them feel bad. Just something to think about.

The heroic goal, however, that all good people of faith should strive for is that they never give up the gift they have to give their spouse on their wedding night, which is their body, given to the other in sexual intimacy that bonds the two in marriage and is open to children. For older single persons who might not be able to have children, this purpose is still the same. Sexual union is meant to bond the two in mutual love and to be open to life. That openness to life might not come from natural children, but their love will desire to reach out to the children of others and touch their lives.

You asked about romance, friendship, and intimacy. All of these things can be expressed chastely before marriage. And what we are really saying is that to be chaste is to not allow those things to happen that pertain to the bodies of each other that only a husband and wife have the "rights" to give each other in marriage. In marriage, a woman gives one man "rights" to her body for a lifetime, and the man does the same for that one woman. It is an exchange of rights to their bodies for those purposes in marriage.

Romance and friendship build intimacy. They can also build sexual desire. Once sexual desire is aroused, that is when new things have to be addressed, including preserving chastity and determining marriage. Romancing during dating is simply the process of making the other feel special and uniquely loved. Some people overdo it with what romance is and what they expect romance to be during the dating process. It does not have to be expensive dates and unusual or exotic places to spend time, or love songs or poems written, etc. But whatever it is that can be done to make the other person feel special or make them smile is romance. Nothing wrong with any of that in dating.

Building the friendship is much more important than romance. To marry someone you can count on, feel secure about and with, whom you can trust, and whom you just can't imagine spending your life without is a precious gift. Friends do still hurt each other, we must not forget. But friends are always "there" for you. They can be counted on. They do not come and go based on moods or feelings. They can be trusted to be your friend, even when you might not be that good of a friend. When you marry someone, you almost want it to be more important to hear "I trust you" than "I love you". Anyone can just say "I love you", but it's hard to say "I trust you". And if you do, you better mean it, and the other person better step up to being trustworthy.

This is why I strongly believe that a man and a woman cannot be "close friends" without there being romantic developments. Friendship that grows leads to intimacy. You would be hard-pressed to find a woman who is married or serious with a man who will be comfortable with her fiance or husband having a close friend of the opposite sex. Friendship is powerful, and it is so special. Men need other close male friends, and women need other close female friends. Those friendships have an intimacy that is important for their well-being. Same-sex friendships are critical. But opposite-sex friendships have to be very careful.

So what I really want to advise you here about friendship during the dating process is 1) encourage each other to have same-sex friends and spend time with them, and 2) be very careful about how you both handle opposite-sex friends. So many terrible things happen to ruin good relationships based on these two things alone. Having same-sex friends is so important, even in marriage. A man needs to have his time out with other male friends and so does a woman need her time with her girl friends. It makes the marriage much healthier. Sometimes you see a person give up their friends because they want to spend ALL their time with the person they are dating. That is not good, nor healthy, and it is a sign that there might be other problems. And sometimes a person gets jealous of a friend that the person they are dating has. For example, a woman who gets defensive or insecure about a woman her boyfriend is very close to and the way they interact. That boyfriend would do well to understand he has to be mindful of how his opposite-sex friendships can affect a dating relationship. It's never good or healthy to feel threatened by the relationship of your fiance or spouse with a person of the opposite sex. But it is also dangerous to get "too close" to someone of the opposite sex when you are serious with someone else, or engaged, or married.

What people need to realize is that "intimacy" does not mean "sex" or intercourse. Physical, genital expression is a kind of intimacy that is reserved for a man and a woman who are married. It is a fulfillment of something begun in their relationship that is now able to be fully expressed in their marriage. But it is one kind of intimacy. There are other kinds of intimacy. Romance and friendship help develop intimacy. Intimacy affects the whole person. It is emotional, psychological, physiological, and spiritual. People who are dating have to develop intimacy. But they must never allow their intimacy to get expressed sexually. There can be signs of affection, but they cannot go too far, for the intimacy that is reserved for a man and a woman in marriage is too sacred to be abused. The dating process is time of mystery that builds up toward a great unveiling. Marriage is a lifetime of unveiling.

You also want to be careful about your dating time going on too long. For older singles, there should not be the need of as much time dating as younger people might have to do. Most older people know who they are, what they have, and what they want. They should have a maturity level that can allow for a reasonable amount of dating before entering exclusivity (courtship), and then shortly after that, engagement to be married. If you are able to see each other for several days at a time at least a couple of times per month, you should both know if you want to be exclusive within three months or so. After another three months or so of exclusivity, which is a time period used to determine a reason why you both should NOT get married, there should be engagement. Then, of course, marriage should take place six months or so after that. This timeline depends on spending your time together (and apart) wisely.

What is a "wise" use of this time of dating and courtship? Getting to know each other, spending time with each other in person and with each other's family and friends, asking as many questions as necessary, and discovering love. There will be a point when you both discover that you really can't see living your lives without the other. That is the time to get engaged to be married.

Be careful of men that prolong dating and will not go exclusive. You need to see a man making "commitment moves" all along the way. These commitment moves will be a sign to you that this man is serious about the process of finding a wife. If he is already not interested in seeing other women, then, in a way, you are already exclusive. But the courtship period should be accepted by both "officially". You will want to hear him say that he is not open to any other women during this time of discovering a reason why you should not get married. So to go into courtship means that marriage should already have been talked about.

There is no need to get obsessive about how all these things will play out. All I am doing is giving food for thought. Things should and will happen quite naturally. What I want to make sure you avoid is investing too much time in a relationship that goes nowhere. In other words, you should not be just "dating" after six months. That's too long to not be committed to a serious phase of your relationship and moving toward engagement. Otherwise, you not only may be wasting your time, you might invest your heart to the point of really getting hurt unnecessarily.

That brings me to the word "love". Don't use it unless you mean it in a way that desires permanence. A man will use the word "love" much more quickly and loosely than will a woman. Your job is to make sure you don't use that word until you know he is the man you want for the rest of your life and that you are pretty certain he DOES love you and is not just saying it at an emotional level. Saying "I love you" too early can cause confusion as you go along. So be careful of this.

There is so much more I could share with you, but I think this should suffice for now to help you along. I hope you find it helpful.

Dear Anthony,

It seems to me that women who have had pre-marital sex are the only women who get married. I find this very disappointing and the situation seems hopeless for those women who are committed to following the Church's teaching. Do you have any comments?

Thank you for writing and sharing this with me. It is an interesting observation you have. So you are saying that only those who have had pre-marital sex are the ones who end up getting married? I assume this implies that men are not going to last in any relationship where sex is not involved, let alone marry someone who is living a chaste single life.

If that is truly the case, then you do have cause to feel disappointed and hopeless regarding your chances for marriage. I don't personally believe there is a connection between openness to pre-marital sex and getting married. I also doubt very highly that most of those marriages are happy ones. There is a definite disadvantage to being promiscuous before marriage, and most marriages that have problems or issues can trace it back to individuals with promiscuous pasts.

But I do think those who are committed to chastity before marriage have a very hard time finding someone to build a strong relationship with, especially the women. They are discouraged because 1) they typically face dating someone they really like but that person is expressing or indicating interest in inappropriate sexual behavior, and 2) they really want to find someone who shares their commitment to chastity, primarily because it is an indicator to them that the other person has the same commitment to God that they do, and that this person is someone they can rely on to be strong when it counts. It is very difficult, however, to find someone whose will is NOT weak enough to be open to sexual activity before marriage when they are faced with the temptation. That is actually pretty "normal", unfortunately.

However, I also think that sometimes those who are firmly committed to chastity (whether a virgin or converted in mind and heart after a promiscuous past) might be too antagonistic toward those they date who seem open to pre-marital sex. These persons are practicing Catholics who otherwise are good and attractive people. For whatever reason, they just are not willing to save themselves for marriage, though they probably "want" that. But that does not necessarily mean these persons are not going to make good spouses. In fact, I think many of them have the ability to have a deeper conversion and renewed commitment based on being edified by the person they are with that stands their ground on this pre-marital sex issue. Sure, it would be nice to find someone who shares that commitment, but it should not be made to be "necessary". It's the harshness that a weaker person experiences that not only turns of that person or makes them feel they have no further chance, but it also punishes the person taking the stand harshly because they have to start over in their search for their future spouse.

Therefore, to be open to someone you might end up having to "lead" in this area could work out very beneficially, if you can be kind and gentle and understanding, but firm. Obviously, you never allow anything to happen. But you also don't have to make the person feel bad for a weak moment. Perhaps he or she just needed to have that leadership of the other to firmly say "No way", but also (very critical) that it is done in a gentle way that does not make the person feel that it is over and they are unworthy. I think it happens more times than not that the person who is committed to chastity is shocked or scandalized by the attempt of the Catholic they are dating, and makes that person feel terrible. Then that person cannot recover, nor does the chaste person want them to recover. It is over! It is a deal killer!

I believe it does not have to be a deal killer. Give the person a chance to step up. If he or she continues to show weakness and a desire to give in to pre-marital sex, then there are probably other issues there as well, and best to break it off. But when the objective is to marry, we have to be open to the opportunities. We are not marrying saints, we are marrying sinners. And as sacred as our sexuality is, sexual weakness is historically one of the most common problems of mankind. That does not give people license to BE "weak". In fact, in my opinion, sexual weakness says more about what other issues a person might have than just sexual weakness. Specifically, is this a person who is truly striving to be close to Jesus Christ and live His life? Is this person living a life of mortification and sacrifice in order to practice strengthening the will? Has this person given in to the philosophy that we are only “human”, when in reality we share the divine nature by Baptism into Christ, and therefore are capable of living a supernatural life?

Do you see what I am getting at? Sexual weaknesses should be forgiven. But if those persons who are sexually weak are isolating those moments as just being "weak moments" and not considering something deeper that may be there that needs to be worked on, then that is the aspect of that person that needs to be considered as to whether or not a relationship continues.

Having said the above, I think it is imperative to drive home the point that remaining chaste and never giving in to pre-marital sex temptations is something that so pleases the Lord, and will produce immense dividends within the marriage. And since it can be accomplished only by God's grace, then observing that the person has a serious sacramental life is required. This commitment to chastity is something that must be rewarded, and God will do just that.

My wife and I waited (though there were struggles), and I can see all the ways He has blessed us. They are blessings NOT because we are better than anyone else, but because when inevitable moments of temptation were presented, we responded to God's grace. To have a respect for marriage and for the most important and profound gift we had to give to each other on our wedding night that you can never get back once given before marriage is something everyone should be thinking about and talking about at all stages of a relationship.

Sadly, this kind of attitude toward sexuality and marriage is not easy to find in people, even good Catholics. There is still too much of a disconnect made by people when it comes to sex and love. Sex is still too much interpreted as being an okay expression and proof of love in a developing relationship. That means that there is still a lot of work to do, and prayers to be said. But it does not mean that the sexually weak are hopeless. They need edification and inspiration. And that is probably going to come only from those they date who are heroic in their position, BUT ALSO gentle and understanding toward the weaker person, and ready to offer a second chance.

So I suggest that you remain open to any man you date who might show signs of wanting things to go further, and treat him gently and keep him feeling welcome. Give him more time. If he does not improve, then move on. But also don't ever give up your position. It is very admirable that you are chaste and are committed to stay that way until marriage. Though the whole world give in to pre-marital sex and you remain faithful, you are in the right and should remain there no matter what. You will be blessed more than you know, regardless of whether or not you marry. And what a treasure you will be for the man who finally finds you and wins your heart. It will be a very blessed marriage.

God willing, there will be one man out there who is attracted to your unwillingness to engage in inappropriate sexual behavior before marriage, and finds himself to be a better man because of it. Certainly, love in a man is proven to a woman when he still proceeds to marriage having never had sexual experiences with her that are proper only to marriage. I do think those men are out there, and they just need to be gently led by a good woman who does not punish him for his weakness, but rather understands where he is, yet never will permit him to advance. A respectful and charitable man of God will cease trying to advance and put the woman into an occasion of sin.

I pray for you and all women, and even all men, who find themselves in this situation. I pray you maintain your chastity, but also pray that you not be quick to disregard those who are weaker until they give you continuous reason to move on. You just might find a diamond in the rough.

Dear Anthony,
 
I've been dating a man for quite some time and our relationship is getting serious. I'm wondering if I need to be concerned about our sexual compatibility. What if we discover after marrying that one of us has a low sex drive and the other has a high sex drive? Would such a difference affect our happiness as a married couple?
 
Sexual tension is a huge reason why people get married. It is typically a good sign that you want to be with each other overall. Those who have sex before marriage have wasted the opportunity to know if there is “real love” there, because the sexual desire that is controlled before marriage helps prove true love. If there is sex before marriage, then you can never really know what is love and what is not.

Anyway, since you are not having any sexual expression, I would guess you both have a strong sense of wanting to be together overall. My question would be, at this point, what is keeping you from getting married? Is there still really anything to determine? The sexual fulfillment AFTER marriage thing is not appropriate to consider. We are social beings who have sex to express our love. We are not sexual beings who have sex to express who we really are. And marriage is certainly not about “getting”, it is about “giving”. If two “giving” people come together in marriage, the sexual expression in marriage will be beautiful no matter what happens. If one of the two has a “strong” sex drive, there may be some counseling needed for that person, or at least a good spiritual director to help that person get through. It is NOT that the one with less drive should step up, but rather that the one with the stronger drive needs to step down, or calm down (as the case may be).

Sex in marriage should be mutual and loving and tender. It does NOT necessarily mean it has to be overly passionate or erotic. Those can be distortions of true married love. There will be times when the sexual expression is very passionate. But there will also be times when it is not so passionate, when it is quick, or even when it is one-sided as to who is interested. God willing, no matter what, it is very beautiful in its gentleness and tenderness. A strong sex drive should not mean enslavement or “need”. That would be unhealthy. A healthy sense of a strong sex drive is that you desire to be close to the spouse. The “wild sex” notion typically attributed to strong sex drive is not for Christians. That is something for people who have become distorted, and something distorted perhaps that the media has portrayed.
 
Again, there will be passionate times, but you be amazed how much of married sexual intimacy is not genital. Smiling eyes, flirting, holding hands, an affectionate touch or hug, etc. It is arguable that these moments are the most sexual part of marriage and the aspects of sexuality that lead to the deeper relationship. Genital sex is very often the end result of all that buildup. And it does not have to have anything to do with “drive”.
 
It is also important to point out that most of married life is NOT spent in genital sexual activity, so there should not be much stock put into the “performance” aspect of sex in marriage. It just does not happen that much. So best to make sure you are married to someone you can have a conversation with and enjoy everyday life with, above the sexual drive toward that person. That is a surefire way to get disappointed, and then it trickles into all aspects of a perfectly good marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. Sexual expression in marriage is not only important, it is critical. But I think sometimes people think that the strong impulse and much passion expression is the true expression of love. No. True love seeks to serve, and that includes the bedroom. If the person you are serving in marriage does not want the level of sexual expression you want, then love dictates that you subdue personal desire and enjoy what the other wants.

But if you are hoping the spouse will do the same for you (namely, wanting to serve your needs), that is not the right attitude either. As a spouse, you are not only seeking to serve the other, but you are also seeking help the spouse not be put in a position they are uncomfortable with. In other words, you cannot expect your spouse to step up and serve your needs in a way they are incapable of or not comfortable with.

I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that you should talk about this with the man you’re seeing if it is a major thing to you. Talk now so that whichever of you has the strong sex drive, that person will have shared this information and give the other an opportunity to consider if this is something that could make or break the marriage. You don’t want to be going into the marriage without full disclosure about things that matter to each of you. That is just a time bomb waiting to go off. But when unforeseen things come up or happen in marriage (which they most certainly do), you cannot say, “This is not what I signed up for” and give any thought to ending it. No, you must stay and fulfill your duty. And there is always a way to find joy in the decision to love for a lifetime.

When we "want", we suffer. When we "serve", we have peace and joy.

Dear Anthony,
 
I just met with someone I have been writing to on Ave Maria Singles and I just was not attracted to him. But he is very nice and has great qualities. I guess I was expecting to be more attracted to him than I am. If it’s not there, meeting again doesn’t make sense, right?

Just to be clear, I am assuming you mean “physically” attracted to him, because it sounds like you have a lot of attraction for him because of the great qualities you suggested you find in him. So it is possible to be very attracted to a person that you have no “physical” attraction to.
 
And therein lies the dilemma of the modern single person, including Catholics. Everyone wants to marry a person who has it all: great personality, good character, wonderful qualities, and (of course) great-looking! It is the “great-looking” part that has so many Catholics concerned.

On one hand, they want to believe that they are not so shallow as to need a great- looking person when it should be what is inside a person that matters most. On the other hand, there is something unexplainable but very real that is inside them that will resist moving toward intimacy if they just don’t feel a strong attraction to them physically.
 
Ultimately, you have to be physically attracted to the person you marry. And frankly, this is actually the primary way God designed how marriages take place and babies come into the world. What I am referring to is the use of our sexual gifts. God has brilliantly designed us so that we would desire a member of the opposite sex and that desire would provide a natural movement toward intimacy that will lead to conception of babies and the bonding of the two persons engaging in those physical- union experiences. The brilliance of this design is that He knew that if we did not have the “desire” or “passion” as part of the sexual experience, then people would not do it and babies would not be conceived. He also brilliantly commanded that a man leave his father and mother and cling to his “WIFE” and the two shall become one flesh. In other words, his plan is that mankind marry and bond permanently and indissolubly in order to lawfully ACT on our sexual desires and passions.
 
Our sexuality is very much connected to our whole person, not just the inside. In fact, it is a very “sacramental principle” to be attracted to another person sexually. Just because a person is a strong practicing Catholic does not mean you could marry them. There is more to it than religious conviction. Just as the Sacraments and Sacramentals use externals to draw us toward an inner and hidden mystery, so it is with how two people come together toward the intimacy of close friendship, and ultimately in marriage.
 
The person you marry will be one person who has come along in your life that becomes someone you desire to know better and have a deeper relationship with. It is a person about whom you one day say, “I cannot imagine living my life without that person in it.” Physical attraction plays a major role in that mystery of how two people come together in marriage, because there is a desire to want to be physically close to that person (i.e., sexual desire). That movement is what should make two people contact the local pastor of their church and make wedding plans.
 
Now the tricky part. Should you have this physical attraction immediately for you to know whether to continue seeing a person or not? The answer is no. In fact, many people do not have physical attraction kick in until the other attractive aspects of the person turn into something that makes you more attracted. In other words, spending time with a person is how deeper attraction grows, and that deeper attraction of the person’s qualities that are within and displayed in personality and character can spark (because of the mystery of love that comes from God) a physical attraction that was not there before.
 
Call it an “unveiling”. Everyone in a relationship (especially the woman) wants to feel like they are unique, special, one-of-a-kind. And when intimacy takes place (close friendship), this is in fact what happens. And for a man and a woman, becoming close friends naturally leads to a desire for more. But again, that desire for more often times is an awakening; a realization of something you did not know before; recognition of something you did not see before. The heart moves and speaks, and the eyes open to mystery that goes beyond mere material physical attributes. The physical attraction is now there. And it is unique to the two individuals.
 
That is what is so hard about objective physical beauty. How do they know when someone is “really and truly” interested in who they are, not just what they look like? It can be a real curse to be objectively beautiful. I have had solid Catholic women who are very gorgeous tell me heartbreaking stories of their difficulties finding true love.
 
And it makes sense. A gorgeous woman is attractive to “every” guy. So what? What does that tell her? What does that tell the guys? Only that nature is working. But it tells nothing of the mystery of love.
 
Attraction toward marriage is about a unique experience of two people for each other that does not desire an ending, but rather longs for what is next. Time tests this, and a mind open to people who come in our life that God sends is imperative. In addition, the prayerful work of dismantling any distorted approach we have to physical attraction is needed for many. Too many single people, especially men, have too dangerous of a tendency to make physical objective beauty the benchmark of their determination of another. This is a mistake!
 
So many have been surprised by love in their life with a person they came to discover they long to be with, and that the mystery of love’s movements stirring in the heart over time caused them to have physical attraction that perhaps was not there, or was not as strong as they would have liked.
 
Time is the answer. Give people “time” before you make a final conclusion about attraction. You might be surprised whom you discover is really in your midst. Your vocation to marriage may very well depend on this cautious approach to love.

Sexual promiscuity among single people is nothing new, nor is it considered that big of a deal these days. And I’m sure there has always been pre-marital sex throughout world history. It should also come as no surprise that even some Catholic Christians engage in pre-marital sex, and though that is surprising, it is still not “shocking” (though it should be).

Well, let’s face it…the experience of sex is a “good” and pleasurable thing. God has made it so. But God designed our sexuality to be used appropriately. That is a topic for another day. Suffice it to say that God absolutely does NOT want us to have sex outside of the marriage covenant.

Yet, some single people still allow themselves to have sex, and casually allow themselves to get into what is called “the near occasion of sin”; which means they unwisely allow themselves and another person into situations where the movements of sexual attraction and desire can be stimulated, encouraged, and built up to the point of being acted on. They choose an environment or place where it could go too far with no disruption. For example, being alone together in someone’s apartment/house.

So for some, this desire is too strong, and the will is too weak; therefore, they make the decision to commit the sexual act. It’s thought that if you can remain chaste, then wonderful. If you can’t, then seek God’s forgiveness and move forward. Let us thank God there are many single Catholics who truly do live a chaste single life and save themselves for marriage. They will be rewarded. But it’s a shame that they are seen as aliens or monsters. And all too often (especially for women) their chastity commitment ends up being the cause of a relationship ending (and this is from another so-called Catholic) because the other is open to “giving in” to sexual desire, or is even expecting it to happen.

Well, I would like to shed a little more light on this subject with something that must be said more and more often if we are going to make any progress helping single people lead more chaste lives and become good marriage partners.

What is that something? It is this: Every single promiscuous sexual act (especially intercourse) does a level of damage to the individuals involved which threaten their capability of making the commitment to marriage, and therefore, is harmful to the future spouse and the future marriage. In fact, if someone has been very promiscuous, it is doubtful they have the capacity to make the commitment to marriage, or keep that commitment. This does not necessarily mean it is a permanent thing. But it does mean that a person with a sexually active past MUST take time off from dating (a “fasting”, if you will) and focus on aggressively being restored in their Catholic religion; namely, their personal relationship with Jesus Christ. 

The damage is not easily detected or immediately felt. It’s kind of like becoming overweight and unhealthy. You start out eating too much and not exercising in very subtle ways, and then one day (without knowing it) you are overweight and not as healthy as you should be. And those who have tried to lose weight know how difficult that can be and how much focus and discipline is required. Certainly, an overweight person cannot just keep living the lifestyle they have recently been living.

This example still pales compared to the reality of the damage done to a person who is sexually active before marriage. It can be so many levels of damage that we cannot get into here (i.e., psychological, emotional, physical, temperamental, etc.). But let’s be clear. I am not talking about pregnancy or the potential of getting pregnant. That is stating the obvious. What is not so obvious is how a promiscuous past produces sexual baggage that MUST be dealt with appropriately for there to be the potential of being a good date, a good companion, a good friend (in the scheme of marriage), a good husband/wife, and a good father/mother.

For my purpose here, it is extremely important that single people realize that they are not simply just committing a sinful act, and then going to Confession to remove it. No, every sexual act outside of marriage creates a “WEED” in the soul that will never be uprooted, and will take an overgrowth of “WHEAT” (namely, virtuous habits) to overcome those weeds to the point of being healthy for marriage.

Sex is an act of the entire being of a person. It is an extremely beautiful thing when you are with the one person you are committed to for the rest of your life. And intercourse has an effect on the two persons involved that is very real, despite whether or not the two people involved are ignorant of it. When done outside of marriage, they might think it is some random act of weakness or it means nothing or they can walk away, but it just is not true.

It is unimaginable how much damage pre-marital sex has done to marriage. It means that there are countless single people out there (including Catholics) who have issues they are likely not even aware of but are very much keeping them from sustaining a good relationship toward marriage. This is why, I believe, there are so many single people and not enough marriages taking place. 

Again, this subject is too deep to cover here, but we have to get it through our heads and let it steep in our hearts and souls that the sexual act is profoundly “spiritual” as well as bodily (connecting the “whole” person), and MUST never be seen as some act of the body alone. And we MUST understand that we are inflicting terrible damage to ourselves and the other persons involved by engaging in pre-marital sex.

The more promiscuous, the more damage. The longer the damage is not dealt with aggressively, appropriately and effectively, the more incapable of making marriage vows and keeping that covenant.

I cannot stress this enough: if someone has been sexually active and you are interested in dating them, be careful. No need to jump the gun and cut that person off, but it should be a red flag for the time being that must be tested. But the red flag is someone who has done nothing or very little in proportion to their sexually active past. Their weak will not only threatens the new relationship sexually via temptation, but in so many other ways where a weak will and the effects of that past activity will be harmful to the relationship.

And if YOU have been sexually active and desire marriage, please do your future spouse and the sacred institution of marriage a great favor and take action to get yourself healed and going in the right direction. Good habits and virtues need to be worked on and lived. And absolute chastity must be committed to.

So there is hope. A person with a sexual past can heal and become quite capable of marriage. Those with a sexually active past MUST STOP dating and focus on strengthening the will. There is no excuse for a weak will. So much grace is at the disposal of every Catholic that can serve to strengthen the will. Once it is admitted that the will is weak, there must be great efforts do something about it. It will take a lot of work, but it will be worth it. If you have only been mildly or slightly sexually active, you might still be capable of the marriage commitment and could be dating. However, you should work very hard at discovering any issues you have and work on. You owe it to your future spouse.

The last word is this: Stay chaste. Stay a virgin (if you are one). If you are not a virgin, never, ever give in to sexual activity again. It is a sacred gift only meant for a spouse. Pre-marital sex is just not worth the mess and garbage it produces, no matter how pleasurable and harmless, or even “forgivable” you think it is. It should be enough that God commands and expects no sexual activity before marriage.