Last time, we talked about how other people influence who we become as a person. And because we have an influence on who other people become, we need to be a positive influence by being a good person. This kind of person (the good person) is what God calls us to be, and it is a call to love. We then touched on how God influences who comes into our lives. In this final part, I want to talk more about God influencing persons coming together, and the relationship with God Himself affecting who we are in Heaven.

God is love. We have all heard that. But we need to keep meditating on this. God IS love. There is no authentic love in this world that does not have God as the initiator and the recipient. We persons are privileged to participate in love, which is God. When we cooperate, powerful and beautiful things happen. The greatest human experience is sharing love. Each person is unique when they are conceived. No one is like them, nor has ever been, nor ever will be. So each person has value because they are the only person like them. Therefore, we can benefit from every person in some way. Our actions with others not only affect who we are, they affect our relationship with God, who created us for the purpose of love. We are to love Him, and love others for His sake.

It is God who brings people into our lives. It is no random thing or coincidence who comes along. So we had best pay attention to the people who come along in our lives. They are meant to enhance us as a person. How that is to happen is unique to each person and based on their circumstances and situations. But every person we come into contact with daily was planned by God for us. So we have to realize that God is involved with our process of becoming the person He calls us to be. Because no two people have the exact same life experiences, just one person we interact with can make a difference in the person we become. That’s how subtle our path to personhood is. The one thing we know for sure is that no matter who it is, we are called to love that person.

Remember this: We are ever expanding as a person, because love grows immeasurably. There is nothing finite about love, and nothing finite about our hearts. The heart expands as love is allowed to permeate and act.

So the greater we love, the more fully we live as a person. The less we love, the less of a person we are. This might seem a bit depressing because we all assume our attempts to show this kind of love fail more often than they succeed, which means we are not as good as we either think we are, or could be. I would hope that none of us would “settle” on who we are right now, but always strive to become better. We should be choosing friends and activities with others wisely, and not allowing our social lives to be incidental things. Make the connection between interacting with people and your development as a person.

Above all, realize there is one person in this life that you will have the most important relationship with, and who will influence you the most to be the person you are called to be: the person of Jesus Christ. Becoming like Him will make the impossible possible. And our friendship with Jesus is the only reason we can successfully love everyone, and have intimate friendship that lasts. Very few people can find a friendship that is deep, mutual, and lasts a lifetime. Even sacred Scripture advises that it is a very rare thing indeed. But one friendship accessible to everyone of us that will certainly last, and can be as deep as we are willing, is with the person of Jesus. And it is His personhood that is always available to us to share and become like. This is the path to holiness, and ultimately how we become the best person possible to affect the people God brings into our lives. We can fail Him, but He never fails us. Our life with Him is always enhancing and perfecting us because He is always giving us more and more of Himself, and changing and transforming us into the person we are called to be, which is primarily another Jesus. We learn how to be everything that is good, because only God is good, and anything we do that is good is because of God.

It is something to notice that when two people are very close, they are very similar in their ways. Two people who get close to each other tend to become like each other. They start to talk the same, express themselves in the same ways, and even think alike. They “know” each other so well, they can predict what the other will do, and know what they are thinking. Their love goes deep, and it has an inseparable quality to it. They have truly made each other who they are because of their relationship. The person we are should reflect Jesus in our life to others, and we should never compromise that relationship for any other person. We are to bring the person of Christ to others through our personhood.

So who are you in Heaven? Well, you are YOU. And you are like Jesus. You are NOT Jesus, but you resemble Him because you lived as a person who loved as He loves. The decision to live His life was an act of your will, and your decision to make. And the expression of Jesus’ life through you is unique to you alone. In Heaven, you will be uniquely you, recognizable as you. We will also resemble the people whom we shared mutual love with. And the greatest resemblance we will have is to Jesus Christ, whom we loved the most and could not help but become like. It stands to reason that we will walk in Heaven with the people who enhanced our lives for the better. And those we were closest to in mutual love and affection will be our close friends in Heaven. It really is a beautiful thing and something we should think about often. I, for one, look forward to walking through Heaven with those who have made me a better person. But above all, I look forward to walking through Heaven with Jesus, whom, God willing, I have lived my life in this world striving to be like through His grace and love for me.

Some persons are, sadly, not very good persons due to life experiences beyond their control. Those of us given the opportunities by God to be better people through our life experiences, and certainly by grace, have a responsibility to reach out to those who are less of a person, and have a positive influence on them. It takes only one good person to change the course of another person’s life. And one day, in Heaven, the two of you will interact as persons, and as children of God.

May all the relationships we have lead us to a closer friendship with Jesus, the most important Person who should influence who we are in this life and in Heaven. May we all become a person who reflects the Divine love that is the person of Jesus Christ, and lead others to Him through our interactions with them.

In the first part, I spoke about what is meant by “who” when we think of who we will be in Heaven, and about what kind of person we will be there. To get to Heaven we need to be a “good” person here, and that person will continue in Heaven.

So how do we get to be this good person expected of us?

First of all, we are all born “good”. We reflect the image and likeness of God, the Creator. However, because sin entered the world through our first parents, evil exists. “Evil” is goodness gone wrong. “Evil” is also potential good. Good and evil have to do with actions of thought and of deed. When we do something evil, it affects the person we were created to be by God. However, as long as we are alive in this world, there is hope to correct any evil by God’s grace.

Though every person is born “good“, we don’t stay that way. We can’t. We are all sinners. The Catholic Church teaches that we cannot commit a sin until the age of reason (typically around 7 years of age) because a sin has to do with motives and circumstances. A developing child has not yet reached the point of being able to decide with full use of reason. During those first 7 years, the potential person is in development. By the time that child is 7, the effects of the parents’ teachings, the family influence, and all experiences of that child shape the “who” that really starts to exist.

It is worth accenting the point here that other people shape us. The “who” that we become does not happen regardless of others, but rather because of others. It is important to realize that every person’s interaction with a child has an effect on the person that child will become. Who they are is a result of the many people they are in contact with.

This is why parents are exceptionally important people. They primarily do the shaping of the personality. Everyone the parents allow to come into contact with that child contributes. A bad parent is going to establish bad qualities in their child. It is important to become a good person in order to be a good parent. We train our children to have good habits so that they will become a person that is good for others, for society, for God, and for themselves. Neglecting to lead a child in developing good habits means their personhood will not be where it should be. Bad habits and bad character traits are the result. A person of bad character is not only acting badly, they are not growing better as a person. We are created to become the fullest good person possible who acts in ways that benefit others and God.

Socializing with other human beings is an inescapable aspect of developing into a person. Some parents, motivated by concern that their child might be badly influenced, will shelter their children. The risk of an under-socialized child, however, can be far worse for that child than the times they witness something the parent preferred they not witness. The person they become can be socially crippled, lacking skills that are necessary to function and succeed. A child that spends excessive time involved with antisocial activities (e.g., computer/video games, excessive phone use, headphones in their ears, or anything isolating), can turn out the same way. This produces antisocial and under-developed persons (immature adults), as they can tend to remain adolescent in their behavior.

These immature, now adult persons are then sent out into society. The primary society and social function affected by this is the institution of marriage. And the result is bad marriages between people not capable of the demands of marriage. But that is a topic for another time.

It is important to understand that the person we become is a result of the people we interact with during our life. The person we will be in Heaven is intimately connected to other people who helped form us. This is why in Heaven, we will still be social beings. It won’t be only looking at the Face of God, but we will walk with those whom we were close to in this life, and meet those who influenced the person we became.

Social interaction is necessary to form the person. Experiencing all kinds of people, including those who are not attractive to us as people or who have different views, etc., enhances the process toward becoming a good person. This is what makes good friendship such a treasured thing. A good friend enhances the person we are. We become a better person because of the relationship. Friendships with people who do bad or harmful things will drag us down and make us worse people. Therefore, those we choose to bring closer into our lives is a big deal, because they will play a major role in making us the person we continue to become.

Think of how someone you know may have changed as a person because of someone they befriended. Think of how love between two people in marriage can take two good individuals and make them greater people through their shared life of intimacy, trust, and experiences. This is why two people either grow happier together or more miserable together. If there is a problem with one or the other (or both), these problems rub off on the other, making the other less of a person as well. Soon you have two people who don’t even recognize each other, and friends and family notice remarkable changes they do not like to see. But when the relationship between the two is a positive one, with genuine mutual love, there is a tremendous enhancement of each other’s personalities, and a happiness that is undeniable to those around them, particularly their children. From this love, the children are able to become better persons.

When we die, the process of becoming a person ends, and we take our progress into the next life. Everyone who has influenced us in becoming the better person we are (and who also made it to Heaven) will be someone we carry on with in Heaven. Spouses will no longer be married, but if their love and friendship endured in the world, it will carry on in Heaven. If the marriage did not fare well, there should at least be no hard feelings or animosity since you will meet again in Heaven (which should be mutually desired). To not forgive and be at peace with each other is to wish the other not make it to Heaven, and that could result in you not making it there. One thing is for sure, close friends will reunite and spend eternity together worshipping God. It’s a beautiful image, and a wonderful sign of hope for this life.

God is the author and navigator of the people who influence our lives for good. In the final article on this subject, I will address how God influences persons with each other, and how the relationship with God affects who we are in Heaven.

In my line of work (dating and marriage), I know there are many single people (and married people) who live disconnected from the relationship between our bodily life here and our heavenly life to come. There should be a much greater realization that our bodies play a role in our getting to Heaven (or hell, for that matter), and that same body is with us throughout eternity. Therefore, sometimes I like to take the time to talk about Heaven to help single people prepare for their role in their future marriage.

Heaven is a difficult place to comprehend. To believers, we intellectually know that if we die in the state of grace, we will go to Heaven. But I’m not sure too many know what we will be doing there, or even give it much thought. I guess it is enough for us to do what we need to do to get there, and worry about the rest later. We need to realize we are a human being in Heaven. That’s what we are.

Also worth pondering is the question of “who”, rather than “what” we are. Have you ever thought about that? Who are we when we get to Heaven? Perhaps you might say, “Well, that’s a dumb question. I will be ME in Heaven.” Yes, that’s actually true. You will be you. But what does that mean?

We know that we will be happy with God, and we will get our bodies back, and there will be no more pain, and we won’t have to deal with any of our imperfections and faults any longer. But fundamentally, we are a person in Heaven, just as we are a person here. The reality that we are a “person” makes us able to use the term “who”. That makes a big difference from the “what”, which has to do with our nature. Collectively, the whole human race shares the “what”. We are human beings; that’s “what” we are. And for those of us who are baptized Christians, we share the divine nature of Christ. So divine is also “what” we are.

“Who” means that we are dealing with an individual person. There are no two persons who are the same. A person does not share the “who” with any other person. We are uniquely ourselves. If you are a person, that means you are able to act, and you are responsible for your actions. God judges each person individually, not collectively, based on the motives of that person, which can only be known to God alone.

The first thing we know about who we are in Heaven is that we will be the result of our actions here in this world. To be in Heaven, it would mean that our actions resulted in dying in the state of grace (God’s love), and we therefore belong in Heaven.

But what kind of person? And what does that mean for us?

Every person starts out good. By nature, we are good because we are created by God. But the person we are to become is only a “potential” at the time of birth. As mentioned above, a human being and a person are not the same thing. By birth, we are all human beings. We are all persons as well; however, becoming a whole person is a process. A baby is born with the potential of becoming a whole person. A baby is a person, but with a long way to go to be able to express personhood. This is what makes the childhood years the “development years”. At age 7, for example, you are a little person, and have developed a personality. Yet you are not fully a person. At 18, you are considered an adult. Yet you are not fully a person, though you are getting there. When you are in your 40s, you think back to when you were 18 and you realize you don’t even recognize that person because you have come such a long way since then. Yet you are not yet fully a person.

Do you see where I am going with this? The fact is, we never stop “becoming”; therefore, we are always working toward the fullest potential as a person that we are called to be until the day we die. To be a person in fullness would mean we are in perfect harmony with God’s plan for us as to what He called us to become. Falling short of that at any level and at any time would mean we are less of a person. We make strides, and we have setbacks. Who we are is something that comes with the practice of living. This practice of living is what shapes us. Habits, attitudes, and personality are developed and influence how we act. Good habits are called virtues, and bad habits are called vices. How we act is what defines who we are.

Are we a virtuous person or a vicious person, or something in between? How do we know? How do others know? Our actions tell others, and ourselves, who we really are. What we do affects others, so we need to make sure our decisions reflect who we are inside. Everyone sins, so it can’t be just the action itself that judges us. How we recover from a sin or a failure is part of the story. Consistency and frequency also play a role. If a person loses patience from time to time, that does not mean they are an impatient person. It takes time to discover what are the consistencies about a person. But it is these consistencies of actions displayed on the outside that are the best evidence of who we are as a person.

What makes us human is our fragility, our ability to fail. Our personhood is our connection to God, and all that is good. To be a bad or evil person is to be less of a person. In fact, every bad action works toward forfeiting our personhood, and works toward becoming more like an animal. The dignity of every person is their goodness, or their “God-ness”. Every person has the potential to be good. No person is without his or her faults and moments of failure. But a well-formed person on the road to becoming fully a person will feel guilt for wrongdoing, be sorry, and seek forgiveness and make up for the wrongdoing. This makes them an even better person.

So how do we become the good person expected of us? I will address this in the next part. For now, it is important to realize that a person who is dating another person brings all of who they are into their relationship, and that we are always developing into the whole person we are called to be. We have to work on ourselves at all times if we are going to be of value to another person. And getting into Heaven has everything to do with the person we are, not just what we are.

Lent is a time of abstaining from what we really do not need, or what we enjoy but can do without for a time. But for the serious Christian, Lent should also be that wonderful time of year when can work on breaking bad habits once and for all, by God’s grace. That requires facing ourselves honestly and confronting the things that are not easy to admit are bad habits.

It’s never too late, and there is plenty of Lent remaining. So in that spirit, I would like to make a suggestion of something to consider giving up for the rest of this Lent and beyond. Instead of an object (like TV, food item, etc.), how about an attitude? Specifically, consider giving up any aspect of a pornographic mentality.

Perhaps you are reading this and saying, “He cannot be talking to me, I am not involved with pornography.” If you are saying that to yourself, you are assuming I mean pornography in the popular sense, which I will not get into here, but has to do with actually “engaging” in the sexually related objectification of a member of the opposite sex for the purpose of self-pleasure, without the intent of including the person in your experience. This popular sense of pornography typically has to do with nudity. I am not referring to this kind of pornography (though I would hope any person involved with pornography at that level should be giving it up immediately and never looking back).

What I am suggesting is making a conscious effort to change your attitude about the things you experience through the use of sight, whether voluntarily, accidentally, or incidentally. Society is becoming increasingly accepting of pornographic imagery in everyday public life. It comes at us involuntarily in the people, places, and things we have to encounter daily. And because much of it is not actually nudity (which could arguably be what constitutes the technical definition of pornography), it is no doubt a more subtle level of pornography since it has the same purpose of pornography as its motive.

Because the bodies of these women and men (but mostly women) have some piece of clothing on, and are not completely naked, they are considered available for the public’s visual consumption. This publicly accepted objectification of the body is called many things, but not typically “soft pornography.” Yet that is exactly what it is. Soft porn!

So there is a pornographic mentality circulating in everyday society that is purposely trying to win our favor and acceptance. It seems to slowly but surely get worse, and more ubiquitous.

Morally conscious people don’t like what is happening, but I am concerned that we are not doing all that is necessary to combat this to ensure it does not sneak into our being, and participate in who we are and become. I believe we have to be humble enough to realize we are all susceptible to the snares of this very dangerous perpetrator.

We need to do three significant things. The first thing we must do is call it what it is, and not follow along with the rest of society and label it as something else. A woman posing sensually in a billboard or a retail-store poster is passed off as just an advertisement. But it is soft pornography. You have to tell yourself that so it is identified for what it is.

The second thing seems kind of childish, but nevertheless it is an absolute must. We have to protect our eyes from seeing any of this. How dangerous it is (and prideful) to think our eyes can handle this kind of intake. The woman in the ad posing sensually is trying to make women think they should buy that perfume and they will look like that woman. And this kind of image of a woman will have an effect on a man who looks at it for any length of time and often. It is true that our eyes are the windows to the soul. And everything that goes in through our eyes remains. Men have to turn away quickly, not double take or prolong the look. As often as they entertain these images with their eyes, the worse they will get in regard to women without their even realizing it.

It is very common to justify it as being something else. Consequently, we let down our guard little by little, making these images more available to us than they would have been if we were determined to identify them for what they are and take proper actions to make sure we do not experience them with our eyes.

The third thing that is a must is to help others realize what they are looking at and encourage them to protect their eyes. As we do that, we continue to help ourselves be more convinced of the reality and the practice of protecting our own eyes.

Movies, magazines, billboards, store displays, advertisements, television programs, and even the way women are dressing — these are all in everyday public life, not isolated in some specific part of town in windowless, purple buildings. My goodness, it is piped into our homes, ready for easy access. I go to check my Yahoo email and there are giant ads that have a woman in lingerie.

So regardless of our intent to remain pure and not voluntarily engage in impure images, there seems to be no escape from having to confront them involuntarily. Therefore, we must make a heroic effort to turn away, and not presume we can handle these images or not be affected by them. Don’t accept these images! Reject them. Avoid them ahead of time if you can. If they come upon you unexpectedly, close your eyes, shade your eyes, turn and walk the other way, turn the movie off, put the magazine down, etc. Do what you have to do.

This Lent, give up the prolonged looking at the soft pornography that is publicly provided to you. Work on identifying the pornography mentality and tell yourself what it really is, instead of justifying it as being something else. Practice this, and adopt it permanently, long after Lent is over.

To conclude, since we are on this topic, I want to give the men something additional to consider. Do you have the habit of staring at a woman as she walks by? I don’t mean admiring a woman with an openness of wanting to get to know her. And I don’t mean noticing a woman for a moment in passing. I am speaking of prolonged looking or double taking to stare at a women’s entire body or certain body parts. Consider that this could be an indication that you may have allowed the pornographic mentality permeating society to influence your behavior and disrupt your purity. Catch yourself doing it and ask yourself why you do it and what is the purpose. Ask yourself if you are a man who objectifies women for personal pleasure. Consider working on breaking this habit and purifying your intentions with the real women you encounter in your daily life. They will be grateful and you will be a better Christian man for it.

I interview Fr. C. John McCloskey about the Theology of the Body. For more formation resources for single Catholics, visit RoadToCana.com.

I interview Fr. Tom Morrow about Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body. For more formation resources for single Catholics, visit RoadToCana.com.

I was informed of another defense of Christopher West I thought you would be interested in reading. This one is from biblical scholar Michael Waldstein, whose new translation of John Paul II's "Theology of the Body" is considered definitive. As always, I am interested in your comments.

Someone just sent me this article by Dr. Janet Smith regarding Christopher West and the latest stirrings about his work. I think you will find this interesting. As always, I am interested in your comments. I will continue to say that I have tremendous respect for those who put themselves out there, as Mr. West has done and continues to do, in order to present to the public something new and in new ways. I have undergone a level of public scrutiny myself regarding my own advice and opinions regarding love, dating, and marriage, so I know how challenging and risky it is to do what Mr. West has done. The writings of John Paul II on "Theology of the Body" are going to take decades to unpack, and Mr. West is to be respected for being a forerunner to bringing these teachings of the Pope to the attention of the world. The subject matter is very delicate, and I think Dr. Smith makes an excellent point about how scholars disagree with their colleagues as a natural aspect of academic life. There is no doubt the teachings of John Paul II's "Theology of the Body" will go through countless disagreements among scholars for a long time to come.

Again, here is the article, and please comment.

Another article has just been published about Christopher West. This time, it is written by David L. Schindler of the Pontifical Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family. Click here to read the article. Again, I am interested in hearing your comments. Mr. West has been a pioneer in introducing Pope John Paul II's "Theology of the Body" teachings in this country, for which we should all be grateful. It's always difficult to be someone presenting something new, and I can appreciate the challenges that come with putting oneself on the line for something you believe in so much. At the same time, it's always good to hear intelligent debate on that which is new, such as the teachings of "Theology of the Body". This article by Mr. Schindler seems to be very balanced. Please share your thoughts and comments.

I just read an article from Catholic News Agency about Dr. Alice von Hildebrand having publicly criticized Christopher West for irreverence in his presentations of Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body. You can read it here. This is strong language. I'm curious about what others think, so please post your comments here once you look it over.

This follows a recent ABC News interview with West, which you can view here. Keep in mind that it was heavily edited, and West later said that it contained misrepresentations and distortions.

Update: I was just told about a clip that should give a fuller explanation of the comments West made in the TV interview. See it here.