Lent is a time of abstaining from what we really do not need, or what we enjoy but can do without for a time. But for the serious Christian, Lent should also be that wonderful time of year when can work on breaking bad habits once and for all, by God’s grace. That requires facing ourselves honestly and confronting the things that are not easy to admit are bad habits.

It’s never too late, and there is plenty of Lent remaining. So in that spirit, I would like to make a suggestion of something to consider giving up for the rest of this Lent and beyond. Instead of an object (like TV, food item, etc.), how about an attitude? Specifically, consider giving up any aspect of a pornographic mentality.

Perhaps you are reading this and saying, “He cannot be talking to me, I am not involved with pornography.” If you are saying that to yourself, you are assuming I mean pornography in the popular sense, which I will not get into here, but has to do with actually “engaging” in the sexually related objectification of a member of the opposite sex for the purpose of self-pleasure, without the intent of including the person in your experience. This popular sense of pornography typically has to do with nudity. I am not referring to this kind of pornography (though I would hope any person involved with pornography at that level should be giving it up immediately and never looking back).

What I am suggesting is making a conscious effort to change your attitude about the things you experience through the use of sight, whether voluntarily, accidentally, or incidentally. Society is becoming increasingly accepting of pornographic imagery in everyday public life. It comes at us involuntarily in the people, places, and things we have to encounter daily. And because much of it is not actually nudity (which could arguably be what constitutes the technical definition of pornography), it is no doubt a more subtle level of pornography since it has the same purpose of pornography as its motive.

Because the bodies of these women and men (but mostly women) have some piece of clothing on, and are not completely naked, they are considered available for the public’s visual consumption. This publicly accepted objectification of the body is called many things, but not typically “soft pornography.” Yet that is exactly what it is. Soft porn!

So there is a pornographic mentality circulating in everyday society that is purposely trying to win our favor and acceptance. It seems to slowly but surely get worse, and more ubiquitous.

Morally conscious people don’t like what is happening, but I am concerned that we are not doing all that is necessary to combat this to ensure it does not sneak into our being, and participate in who we are and become. I believe we have to be humble enough to realize we are all susceptible to the snares of this very dangerous perpetrator.

We need to do three significant things. The first thing we must do is call it what it is, and not follow along with the rest of society and label it as something else. A woman posing sensually in a billboard or a retail-store poster is passed off as just an advertisement. But it is soft pornography. You have to tell yourself that so it is identified for what it is.

The second thing seems kind of childish, but nevertheless it is an absolute must. We have to protect our eyes from seeing any of this. How dangerous it is (and prideful) to think our eyes can handle this kind of intake. The woman in the ad posing sensually is trying to make women think they should buy that perfume and they will look like that woman. And this kind of image of a woman will have an effect on a man who looks at it for any length of time and often. It is true that our eyes are the windows to the soul. And everything that goes in through our eyes remains. Men have to turn away quickly, not double take or prolong the look. As often as they entertain these images with their eyes, the worse they will get in regard to women without their even realizing it.

It is very common to justify it as being something else. Consequently, we let down our guard little by little, making these images more available to us than they would have been if we were determined to identify them for what they are and take proper actions to make sure we do not experience them with our eyes.

The third thing that is a must is to help others realize what they are looking at and encourage them to protect their eyes. As we do that, we continue to help ourselves be more convinced of the reality and the practice of protecting our own eyes.

Movies, magazines, billboards, store displays, advertisements, television programs, and even the way women are dressing — these are all in everyday public life, not isolated in some specific part of town in windowless, purple buildings. My goodness, it is piped into our homes, ready for easy access. I go to check my Yahoo email and there are giant ads that have a woman in lingerie.

So regardless of our intent to remain pure and not voluntarily engage in impure images, there seems to be no escape from having to confront them involuntarily. Therefore, we must make a heroic effort to turn away, and not presume we can handle these images or not be affected by them. Don’t accept these images! Reject them. Avoid them ahead of time if you can. If they come upon you unexpectedly, close your eyes, shade your eyes, turn and walk the other way, turn the movie off, put the magazine down, etc. Do what you have to do.

This Lent, give up the prolonged looking at the soft pornography that is publicly provided to you. Work on identifying the pornography mentality and tell yourself what it really is, instead of justifying it as being something else. Practice this, and adopt it permanently, long after Lent is over.

To conclude, since we are on this topic, I want to give the men something additional to consider. Do you have the habit of staring at a woman as she walks by? I don’t mean admiring a woman with an openness of wanting to get to know her. And I don’t mean noticing a woman for a moment in passing. I am speaking of prolonged looking or double taking to stare at a women’s entire body or certain body parts. Consider that this could be an indication that you may have allowed the pornographic mentality permeating society to influence your behavior and disrupt your purity. Catch yourself doing it and ask yourself why you do it and what is the purpose. Ask yourself if you are a man who objectifies women for personal pleasure. Consider working on breaking this habit and purifying your intentions with the real women you encounter in your daily life. They will be grateful and you will be a better Christian man for it.

I was informed of another defense of Christopher West I thought you would be interested in reading. This one is from biblical scholar Michael Waldstein, whose new translation of John Paul II's "Theology of the Body" is considered definitive. As always, I am interested in your comments.

Someone just sent me this article by Dr. Janet Smith regarding Christopher West and the latest stirrings about his work. I think you will find this interesting. As always, I am interested in your comments. I will continue to say that I have tremendous respect for those who put themselves out there, as Mr. West has done and continues to do, in order to present to the public something new and in new ways. I have undergone a level of public scrutiny myself regarding my own advice and opinions regarding love, dating, and marriage, so I know how challenging and risky it is to do what Mr. West has done. The writings of John Paul II on "Theology of the Body" are going to take decades to unpack, and Mr. West is to be respected for being a forerunner to bringing these teachings of the Pope to the attention of the world. The subject matter is very delicate, and I think Dr. Smith makes an excellent point about how scholars disagree with their colleagues as a natural aspect of academic life. There is no doubt the teachings of John Paul II's "Theology of the Body" will go through countless disagreements among scholars for a long time to come.

Again, here is the article, and please comment.

Another article has just been published about Christopher West. This time, it is written by David L. Schindler of the Pontifical Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family. Click here to read the article. Again, I am interested in hearing your comments. Mr. West has been a pioneer in introducing Pope John Paul II's "Theology of the Body" teachings in this country, for which we should all be grateful. It's always difficult to be someone presenting something new, and I can appreciate the challenges that come with putting oneself on the line for something you believe in so much. At the same time, it's always good to hear intelligent debate on that which is new, such as the teachings of "Theology of the Body". This article by Mr. Schindler seems to be very balanced. Please share your thoughts and comments.

I just read an article from Catholic News Agency about Dr. Alice von Hildebrand having publicly criticized Christopher West for irreverence in his presentations of Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body. You can read it here. This is strong language. I'm curious about what others think, so please post your comments here once you look it over.

This follows a recent ABC News interview with West, which you can view here. Keep in mind that it was heavily edited, and West later said that it contained misrepresentations and distortions.

Update: I was just told about a clip that should give a fuller explanation of the comments West made in the TV interview. See it here.

Women have an uncanny ability to make friends and be a friend. A good way to put it is that women are, by nature, inclined to care. Specifically, women care about people. They intuitively are capable of entering into the inner reality of human beings. This makes them capable of friendship.

It does not surprise anyone that women make friends with other women so easily. They show interest in each other. They enjoy the sharing of personal information. They pursue with sincerity knowing more about the person behind the external presentation.

Men, on the other hand, are primarily interested in the outer world. By nature, men focus on the “what” more than the “who” in life. Of course, I am not saying that men don’t have the ability to “care”. I’m only pointing out that women have an easier time at friendship than men do. Men get to know each other through actions rather than conversation. They do not sit down and start sharing what’s going on inside or their likes and dislikes. They just act, and they talk within situations, and knowledge about that man is revealed as he goes along. That is why men are much more transparent than women. You can know what a man is thinking or what he wants because he externalizes himself. Women keep things hidden inside and are hard to read externally.

Why is this so important to consider? It is because in dating relationships and in marriage, there can be an overstressing by women to have a man be their “best friend” at a level that is probably unrealistic. I’m all for friendship in courtship and marriage, but the friendship required for marriage needs to be defined and understood. It cannot be understood to mean that a woman will be getting someone she can converse with anytime she wants and about anything.

To really get to know any person, there must inevitably be spoken conversation. The reason is that you can never “really” know what someone is thinking or experiencing at the personal level, or why they did something, unless they speak about it. Actions may very well reveal truths about a person, but actions do not provide all the information about the whole person. So men do have to talk and be able to make conversation with a woman. He can’t just be too shy and not a talker at all.

By definition, a person is a being who acts. So what someone does speaks about who they are. However, as human beings, we have a fallen human nature that inclines us to sin. And, in fact, we all sin every day. Should our sinful actions be what defines us as a person? It would be unfair to do so, because everyone is entitled to the freedom to fall from grace and be forgiven and given another chance. How we recover from these falls tells much more about the person. Obviously, someone who keeps doing the same things over and over again is probably unlikely to stop doing them. So actions should be judged over time, rather than in moments.

This is the courtesy men desperately need from women today because men are more action-oriented than women. Therefore, men are prone to do more stupid things than women. Men need the benefit of the doubt from a woman if he is ever going to risk the level of friendship that women want.

Women have to understand, however, that men typically do not “need” the kind of deep friendship that women want. This is why it is important for women to have close female friendships. There are needs women have at the friendship level that should not be expected from a man. I realize that there is an ideal in modern marriage that a man and a woman be best friends, but this must not distract from the practical aspects of the vocation to marriage in the eyes of God. The two become one flesh, but not one person. There will always be two unique individual persons in a marriage, which means the personhood of both will always be developing and forming. The friendship bond in marriage provides love, security, sacrifice, and interest in the other’s good and welfare. In this friendship they cannot help but grow closer together.

But it is impossible for a man to fulfill a woman completely, nor a woman to fulfill a man completely. First and foremost, only God can completely fulfill any person. That’s a given. But also, people need other people to continue making them the whole person they are called to be. Some couples have terrible problems dealing with what the other does outside of themselves. There is a possessiveness that makes them hate when the person they are dating or married to does something without them or doesn’t tell them everything they expect to hear. They feel betrayed because they believe that true love means you do every single thing together and only share everything with just that one person. They also do not like it if anything they talk about together is shared with anyone else.

This is not what marital friendship is. Friendship does not mean possessing every single bit of information about the other, nor doing every single thing together or else love is not true or real. There are couples who do happen to have that. But many good couples have ended their relationships because they didn’t have this. And that is wrong. Women will find it difficult to find a man who desires to tell her everything and wants to do everything with her. Some men might be like that but most are not. Men definitely have to open up more to women, but women definitely have the need of a friend they can open their heart to; to talk about everything. Typically, women find this in another woman. That’s why there are so many happy marriages where each spouse has their same-sex friends. These friendships outside the couple enhance the person and make them better spouses to each other.

Women must not put so much pressure on a man to be a conversational friend they need. But men do need to talk more to women. Women need to have conversation. They need to know what’s going on inside. Many times a man does not even know himself enough inside to share himself. Women must be patient about that.

Don’t give up on a good man who defines who he is by his actions. Just because he does not talk as much as you would like does not mean he would not make a good husband and father. Make sure you have friends who make you a better person, and take that betterment and bring it faithfully into dating and marital friendship.

Every Christmas I watch the 1951 movie "Scrooge" with Alistair Sim. At the end, when Scrooge is converted, he says the wonderful line, "My dear woman, I have not taken leave of my senses, I have come to them." It's a true conversion within that implies the five senses are now ordered toward their purpose.

Like Scrooge, we all need to have a conversion, which should be ongoing throughout our lives. Our senses play a role in our conversion, and some practical thoughts on the conversion of our senses is how I would like to end this series on the senses in dating.

If we ever hope to be successful in love and marriage, we must realize our personal calling by God to authentic love, which is a self-donation to others. This is the call to become a saint because it means giving glory to God in our lives, and a keen awareness of our role to serve others. There is truly no room for self-centeredness along the path to sanctity, and certainly not in marital love. Therefore, to be successful in dating toward marriage has everything to do with how successful we are at denying ourselves and finding the joy in serving another. It sounds cold and unromantic, but this is what true love is.

We are all self-centered, and it lasts a lifetime. This is the result of original sin. But we have the grace of God at our disposal that has the power to perfect us. Life's struggle is to maintain this grace (friendship with God) that helps us to grow in holiness, and thus be effective instruments of God's love to others. Our daily life of sin leads us to more and more of a realization that we need God and cannot accomplish anything good ourselves.

Conversion means a change in our motives. Though we struggle with self-centeredness all our lives, conversion causes us to practice selfless motives in all actions. These selfless motives call the five senses to conversion in their practice so that no longer will they be used in ways that are harmful, but in ways that are holy.

Scrooge chose a self-centered existence and employed his senses to ensure his motive was satisfied. His senses did a top-notch job. His eyes never observed the goodness in people, nor the needs of others. His ears never delighted in the sounds of human association, nor heard the cries of the suffering. He did not allow himself to touch people lest he contract some disease or show some sign of affection that would be interpreted as care.

When Scrooge converts, his motives are for the good, and the senses are awakened and put to tasks they had yet to experience. His eyes now see. His ears hear. He desires to touch in caring ways. He is a true human person again, which means he is at the service of others. The senses work toward the good of this purer motive.

Dating persons who hope to be married one day must be attractive in motive. This is displayed through the senses in a major way. The senses help to display the character of a person, which is the animation of motive. Our motives cause us to act. Our character is the summation of our consistent actions (not bad moments, but consistent behavior). The Lord said, "It is what comes out of a man that defiles." How else do we bring out what is inside except through our body, the instrument of our will? For example, if what we do contradicts what we say, there is a problem. Consistently doing that causes confusion, and makes one unattractive.

Practically speaking, we must discipline our senses if we hope to use them for good and not evil; to acquire good, not useless or counterproductive knowledge. Therefore, ongoing conversion of our senses is necessary. How do we ensure this? I would suggest that the two keys to conversion of the senses are mortification and charity.

For a Christian, "mortification" has to do with a voluntary offering to God, as opposed to the acceptance of involuntary sufferings, involving the body being denied. For our purposes here, it means voluntarily denying our senses of lawful goods for a high purpose. The higher purpose is to train the senses to be in total submission to our will so as to develop healthy habits (actions that happen instinctively) that safeguard our souls. For example, maybe you deny yourself seeing certain kinds of movies in order to train the eyes not to be so accepting of violent or suggestive images when they come along involuntarily.

Mortification conditions the body to be on alert, and helps to strengthen our will. When our will is weak, our body is weak and tends to control us, instead of us controlling it. When we have a strong will, we are then able to conform our will with God's will.

The second key to conversion of the senses is the practice of charity. Authentic charity actually means giving or service to others when it hurts. "Hurts" here means that you actually feel the loss when you give. It hurts because there is a decision to do something for another that you either don't want to do, or that may take something away from you that you have a right to.

If you're hungry, it hurts to give up your sandwich to someone who forgot theirs. If you're cold, it hurts to offer your jacket or sweatshirt to someone who is shivering. If you are in a rush or were planning to do something, it hurts to give up that time to listen to a person who needs to talk to someone.

Charity demands we be ready at all times to give up our own wants and desires in order to serve an important need. But how can we recognize these needs if our senses are not trained to do so? Acts of charity involve the senses, and the more we train the senses to be involved with charitable acts, the more the senses develop habits of service, and the easier charity gets.

For dating persons, become a good listener and you can win a heart. Speak words in gentle, caring ways and you will win trust. Take care of your own body through proper eating and life habits as well as improve your prayer life, and you will be noticed as one who values working on oneself, and thus be attractive. Visit the Blessed Sacrament when you are too tired to do so and God will bless you with graces.

The reward of true charity is increasing your personhood. The more fully a person we are, the better capable we are of becoming holy and serving others, which is our universal call. As we grow in charity, we are better capable of love, thus more successful at dating and marriage.

Let us be mindful of our need to continually convert our senses. Mortification and charity facilitate this conversion. Habitual pure motives in our actions will ensure that the senses are always acting for the purposes they were created, and not to the detriment of ourselves or others.

In this installment, we cover probably the most obvious of the senses that applies to dating and marriage; namely, the sense of touch. It’s a fundamental aspect of the human experience to touch another human being. And in dating, if you have never touched the other person in a way such as holding hands, you will never get to the point of marriage. Touching is a requirement in modern dating in helping to realize love and develop the friendship level that leads to the desire to marry. I suppose it is the circumstances surrounding touch that need to be addressed.

Though we speak of being “touched” emotionally by, for example, seeing the kind act of another or hearing a moving piano performance, the “sense” of touch has to do the physical body touching or being touched, which communicates information to our mind. Touch has to do with feelings and emotions, and every human being is sensitive to touch. Though you hear of a person losing the sense of sight, hearing, smell, or taste, you never hear of the loss of the sense of touch. This is because of the skin, that amazing organ that covers the body from head to toe. It requires nothing more than contact with the skin to cause an instant response to a human being. It is, therefore, the most unique, powerful, mysterious, and useful sense of them all.

So you can say that a person can live without seeing, or hearing, or smelling, or tasting and still live a healthy, human existence, but a person cannot live without touch. Imagine, for a moment, a life with touch. Lips that kiss your face. Arms that wrap around you. A kiss or a hug are never merely a physical exchange. They “affect” in every sense of the word. They make the difference between a healthy or unhealthy existence. A gentle touch can communicate love, and as a result, we feel trust and peace and warmth. A punch in the face can communicate anger, and as a result, we feel sad, upset, frightened, etc.

The hands are the primary and most active everyday instrument of physical touch. No part of the body has the most ready access to physically touch another human being than the hands. So it is important to realize the gift of our hands to the service of God, and the power they have to communicate with people. When we reflect on the life of Jesus, His hands were instrumental in His public ministry, particularly healing. We all share in the healing ministry of the Lord simply by the use of our hands and in ordinary ways daily.

In the area of dating, love, and marriage, a man and woman who hold hands begin crossing over from being good friends to being something more. The act of holding hands is actually a non-verbal communication to the other that expresses the desire to “consume” the other. If you think about how true love is a self-donation, it literally seeks to consume and be consumed, like a fire’s flames consume that which it burns. The holding of hands signals the beginning of love’s pursuit to consume, with all its potential.

Like the other senses, the use of touch can be abused and destructive. With hearing, if music is too loud, we desire to stop the pain. In seeing something disturbing or shocking, we turn away or close our eyes. With touch, if touching happens too quickly in a relationship, the brain can get confused and not be able to interpret what is happening and cause harm.

In relationships toward marriage, knowing when and when not to touch (use of hands, kissing, etc.) is very important. Touch strongly influences intentions of love to the inner person. True love is developed and secured as touch is appropriately expressed over time. Confusion and inner chaos are experienced as touching is prematurely expressed. It not only affects the present relationship, but all relationships to follow.

The adage of “less is more” applies to touching. Those who are dating must discipline themselves with touching as to insure that a healthy relationship develops so the body can respond properly to touch and the brain can better interpret love that is developing. It is a sign of maturity, for example, that a man can not only take things slowly with the physical part of a relationship with a woman, but completely refrain from acting on feelings and desires to touch. This applies both to marriage as well as the pre-marital state. Both men and women must move slowly and express touch carefully.

By pure acts of the will, there also must be total restraint of the desire to touch in the name of a higher good. That which is only proper to marriage must never be expressed before marriage. A total ability to trust is at stake. It’s not that two unmarried people who, in a moment of weakness, did that which is only proper to marriage cannot have love and eventually a happy marriage. God’s grace can accomplish anything. It’s more about the development of the inner person that is affected by what is communicated through this highly influential sense of touch. It’s about what is diminished as a result of these weak moments and can be difficult to get back, or pose challenges to work through for the future.

There must be a profound respect for another person if there is to be proof of love. Too much excuse is given to weakness. As Christians, we are so much more than just weak human beings. We share the divine nature of God through Jesus Christ, Whose life we are baptized into. Grace is always more powerful than human weakness. Therefore, we have the power available to overcome weakness and weak moments. We have a responsibility to train our wills to be strong for future temptations. Our love for God should make us willing to keep practicing virtue and strengthening our wills so we can prove to Him our love and prove to the world that we have a share in Christ’s divine nature, which make us adopted children of God.

True charity and chastity in dating demand that both persons take it slow and do what is appropriate in their pre-marital relationship. Being prudent, careful, considerate, and guarded about touch prevents premature consumption, and safeguards against doing psychological and emotional harm to the other. Full consumption in love through touch comes only after giving free-will consent on the wedding day. The rights to each other’s bodies are exchanged that day, and full consumption is permitted.

Let us all have great reverence for this most mysterious and powerful sense of touch so that we would be good stewards of how we use it. May we always maintain an awareness of the power we have in touch, and never be casual and irresponsible with that gift which we are entrusted by God to use for good. May we reflect on and repent of our inappropriate and/or harmful use of touch. And may we ask God for wisdom and purity as we proceed to use this sense in the future.

Continuing this series on the senses and how they factor into dating, I decided to do the senses of smell and taste together because they are so intertwined that it’s difficult to consider one without the other at the same time.

To reiterate, it is through the five senses that we gain our knowledge of the material and spiritual worlds. We were created with a body and a spirit, but the person we are is not a spirit or soul trapped in a body, but rather the body and spirit make up what we call “I”. Together, they make up the whole human being and the entire human experience. The function of the body includes transmitting data to our brains, and this data forms the spiritual life as well as our material life.

The life of God (sanctifying grace) is an experience of the soul, which means body and spirit. God dwells in the soul and we share His life. At no time does this ever exclude the body, whether God stirs us in our hearts and manifests this to our brains and executes through our body, or whether something comes through the senses and helps us to develop a stronger internal relationship with God. Either way, the body is involved, and the senses play a key role.

The senses of smell and taste are not as glamorous as the senses of sight and sound. Seeing and hearing seem to be much more important and dynamic senses when it comes to dating. Seeing and hearing the beloved have such a dominant role.

But what about tasting and smelling? First, it is worth saying that in order to really taste, we have to be able to smell. Did you ever hold your nose in order to eat something you don’t like? That must mean the taste buds on the tongue require the sense of smell in order to have an acute experience of taste. In fact, when we taste something, the sense of smell triggers the experience in the brain and informs the brain of what it is that is being tasted.

This is where memory plays its role. We can actually see something in our mind because of a taste or smell. The smell of a pine tree in the woods might bring up Christmas memories. Eating a peanut butter cookie might bring you back to Grandmother’s kitchen as a kid. Tastes and smells serve the memory and influence how we behave and make decisions. A friend suggests going out for Chinese food, for example. You might decide to go or not go depending on what your mind remembers about the tastes and smells of Chinese food, or the frequency of having it.

When it comes to dating, we don’t tend to think about how much of our actions with the opposite sex are a result of taste and smell experience. When a man is in love, he can just smell the fragrance of the woman he loves. Perhaps he receives a letter from her and she has sprayed a bit of her perfume on the letter. He smells it and it brings into his mind wonderful memories of her. Or the beautiful scent of a woman’s hair works as an agent of attraction for the man. He can still remember the smell of her hair long after they have parted company. On the other hand, perhaps the smell of tacos is unbearable to a newly brokenhearted woman because the love of her life used to take her to a favorite Mexican restaurant and she cannot bear that memory.

Love is developed through sense experience. And every sense plays a role. We must be careful not to discount any of them. Again, smell and taste don’t play as much of a role as sight and sound, but they do play a role. Though the roles are fewer, the few they contribute are significant.

The Scriptures say, “Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.” For Catholics, the tasting of the Eucharistic Lord plays a tremendous role in our entire being and, in turn, in the way we conduct our lives as dating Catholics and in marriage itself. The experience of consuming the Holy Eucharist at Holy Communion in the state of grace provides an internal sight that cannot be accomplished through our eyes only. We are awakened to faith, hope, and love; and in that awakening, we are given as deep an experience of sanctifying grace as we are open to and as God desires to give. That relationship with God that comes through consuming Jesus Christ’s Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity is a key gateway to love for one another, particularly marital love.

Our very life is a call to love. Love is our vocation. Love is what we were made for. There is no complete way to love and serve the Lord without a sacramental life, particularly the sacrament of the Holy Eucharist. Jesus became our food so we could have life in us. By consuming him, we see. We taste, and we see. The mouth that God created us with has this incredibly noble and privileged call to receive the Lord as food. But in addition, the experience of a meal is the context and environment the Lord chose to communicate two sacraments and prepare for His Holy Sacrifice. It is the context of a meal that we partake in every time we go to Mass. Meals, therefore, are a God-sanctioned way that love is communicated, friendship is shared, families are bonded by.

It is very sad when meals become utilitarian; namely, a time to get food in us so we can move on to the next thing. And the preparation of food has become a secondary thing, or even an afterthought. What does it matter what the quality of the food is, or what is served? That, unfortunately, is an attitude many adopt. Food is a way of life, and food matters. Experiences of wonderful meals and delicious food affect the human person. And it is no coincidence that meals are a major vehicle for showing and developing love. It is a major form of communing and uniting. Cooking for the one you love is natural desire. There is nothing like preparing a meal for the one you love and seeing their delight as they partake in the meal you made.

For animals, food means survival. For human beings, it is a way of life. Those who disregard meals are underestimating their ability to bond people together. For a couple falling in love, meals are central to developing their love and relationship, primarily their worship of God together at the meal they partake in together at Mass.

May the Mass be central in the lives of dating couples and the Holy Eucharist the primary meal that enlightens their minds to truly "see" what love is meant to be and how it is to be lived. Let us thank God for the gift of our senses of taste and smell, which offer us the privilege of coming into communion with Christ our Savior, and prepare us for that love we are all called to live.

I stated in the first installment on the five senses and their role in dating that we come to all knowledge because of the five senses. People who fall in love and marry owe so much to their senses. And we can thank those senses for the life of grace we have. I also covered the sense of sight.

Let us now consider the sense of hearing. The ears are the physical part of the body that act as instruments through which we receive the sense of hearing. Sounds are received through these ears of ours and are interpreted by the brain. Knowledge is thus acquired because of what we hear. The soul (our being) is affected.

The experience of music is accomplished only because of the sense of hearing. The beautiful sounds enter into the body and affect the soul. We are moved in our very being (negatively or positively) as a direct result of the music. The experience of noises have an effect on our being as well, which is why finding quiet time is a vital part of recovery in our spirit (unless one has become a person who cannot stand quiet).

In addition, the use of the mouth for speech is tied into the sense of hearing. The speech we listen to from other persons has the power to influence, and thus has a direct effect on the knowledge we acquire. Unlike music, which touches the soul already predisposed to react to it, the spoken word brings information into a person that provides knowledge that was not there in the first place. By nature, we are created to know the truth. But truth must be transmitted to us through the senses. With hearing, that transmission is accomplished powerfully through speech (what is orally communicated to us). This also applies to our own speech. We hear ourselves say something, and it represents ourselves, and it helps us. When we pray out loud, or when we confess something out loud, we hear ourselves. That has an effect on our knowledge of ourselves, just as when we hear someone tell us something about ourselves.

It is said that we are what we eat. But in a very real way, we are what we hear. If a child hears throughout all his life that he is no good and will amount to nothing, that child will have self-esteem problems. If a husband hears criticism from his wife day in and day out, he will distance himself from her, or perhaps even leave her. We are created by God for love and for truth. Much of that secure feeling of love comes from the words spoken to us. People become unhealthy psychologically, primarily through verbal communication, whether it's verbal abuse, or being lied to, or by words that are deceiving and confusing.

Words have meaning! And words are powerful! I don't think people realize just how influenced they are by words spoken. God forbid the words spoken to a person are lies or deceiving. Only when words are backed by truth, via actions that support those words, does the human person flourish.

Love is known in the hearing. A person wants to hear the one they love say "I love you" or "I trust you." These words are received and accepted as truth about the whole person who spoke those words. When vows are made at a wedding, they are accepted by each person as representing the whole life of that person. They are not just words! Words must be chosen carefully because they represent who we are. We have to act out what we say.

Listening to someone we love is also important. We can't be people who are interested only in what we have to say. We have to be anxious to listen to others, especially someone we are dating or married to. It is in listening (truly listening with attention) that we learn about another person. We take in those words and we use them as we observe the behavior and actions of that person to determine if the words match the actions. Much of falling in love has to do with the oral interaction between two people and how those words transmit into the full body experience of each other; namely, the actions fulfilling the words spoken. The actions prove the truth of the words spoken.

Like seeing, hearing plays a major role in the sacramental life. For example, we hear the words of consecration at Mass and then we "know" the bread is now the Body of Christ. Love is the same way, because it has a sacramental principle. We hear the words of the one we love and we "know". We are affected inside in a way that is a mystery.

The ability to hear, of course, is a gift of God and we must be good stewards of this gift. We have to be very careful what we listen to (whether it is music, or noises, or speech) and be very discerning about what we say to others. We have to realize how powerful speech is, and how influential what we hear is on how we grow in knowledge.

In dating, we don't ever want to be one who deceives. We can't live an abstract life of saying one thing and meaning another. We have to be great listeners, and we have to use words to communicate truth. Too often people are hurt in relationships because of deceiving speech. The hurt comes because by nature we are disposed to truth and we are inclined to believe what we hear.

We also don't want to become a victim unnecessarily. We cannot just take words at face value. Until a deep level of trust is established (which is a degree of intimacy when words are enough), words spoken to you during the dating process must never be allowed to be all that is necessary. I did not say don't believe the words. If someone is speaking to you (or writing to you) with great love, affection, sweetness, kindness, etc., then you definitely consider them. But they must be tested. We all have stories or have heard stories of how a man or a woman was dating someone who showed great interest in them through their words, but discovered along the way (sometimes very far along) that their words were only words.

This happens because people are too quick to give their heart prematurely because of words spoken. Test what is spoken both by observing the actions of the person and over time so consistency is displayed.

For those who are dating, never use the words "I love you" before there is a firm intention to make a commitment to the other. And if the person says "I love you" (especially early on), be flattered, but be careful.

Love is proven in action. Words of love are critical representatives of love, even after reaching deep intimacy when words seem to be incapable of describing love. Words matter! Use them selectively, sparingly, and wisely. Christians are called to live love and charity. Word choice and how we speak to others is a serious aspect of being a Christian.