6 Stone Jars

Men pay, women save.

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 10:36:00 -0700

Who would have guessed that the concept of who should pay on a date, the man or the woman, would be of such interest to debate? I wouldn’t have. I have to say that I never really gave it a thought until I started getting asked the question often and seeing it talked about on other websites and in books. It even came up on our Road To Cana program (I believe it is in the “Red Flags: Part 2” episode of Season 2). People seem to want to know once and for all who should pay on a date, the man or the woman (or both)?

I have heard it argued for all three, and the reasons why. But no one seems to have a definitive answer, and therefore the poor modern dating persons cannot say absolutely how it is supposed to be and have one less thing to be anxious about.

And it is an issue to be anxious about when going on a date, especially first dates. It really must be awkward to come to that point in the evening where something must be paid for and the man and woman just kind of try to figure out what should happen next by reading signals and gestures, or just waiting for the other to say something first.

When I was on Lino Rulli’s “The Catholic Guy” program a couple of months ago, I remember him saying matter-of-factly “Of course the guy has to pay.” We were talking about how many dates he could possibly go on each month in order to afford to live and still date respectfully. His point was since “of course the guy has to pay,” he had to be careful about how many dates he would go on with one particular woman before deciding he was not interested any further and should move on. So there is someone who believes firmly that the guy has to be the one to pay.

Why do people like Lino believe the guy must pay? Primarily, it is tradition. Regardless of the times we live in, it is tradition that a man will pay for the date. Why do some say to split the bill, or work out a system on taking turns paying? It seems only fair that since women are making pretty good money these days, they should be open to contributing. It takes the pressure off the guy, and the women don’t feel like they are taking advantage of the men they date.

My sense is men and women “want” it to be that the man pays, but feel obligated to make it a cooperation. To make the man pay would be so “outdated.” To cooperate and share the financial burdens is civilized, charitable, very 21st Century, and down right sporting of the two modern day males and females.

So let me share with you my opinion, and you can take it for what it’s worth.

First, I think Lino is right; the guy pays. Period! It is a matter of principle. The man is the pursuer and the woman the pursued. I realize that the modern woman can actually ask the man out on a date, but she still should not pay. (If she does do the inviting, the womanly thing to do is do it in a way that makes it seem that he is the one who invited her – ladies, you have that uncanny ability about you.)

There should be no more awkwardness when it comes to dealing with any financial transactions on the date. If you go to dinner, the man pays the check. If you go to the movies, the man pays for the tickets and popcorn. If you are taking a cab somewhere, the man pays the fare. And so on. The man pays for it all.

In addition, he does not sulk about it. He does it with joy and with pride. This could be your potential wife and future mother of your children. She is definitely a treasure to be invested in. The dating process is an investment in a great treasure. And a man gets no greater satisfaction in this life than to reap the reward of his hard work and investments, especially when it comes to love and romance.

Take away the man’s need to pay, and you take away his vehicle to peace and reward in his heart to have successfully gotten an amazingly unique, wonderful, beautiful woman to marry him. All the money spent will then be summed up in one joyful pronouncement of “She is worth it!”

People don’t think like this anymore. Men are looking for women to share the financial “burden” of the dating process; to help out. What??? Burden? Help out? Is this what a man is? Is he in trouble? In need of help? The woman can save him from a burden? My word, no!

Women are actually open to helping him out, lightening the load, taking turns paying? This looks like you are being a nice woman who can give and take, and who understands the plight of the modern man and the economic crisis we are in, but you are literally taking away one of the man’s main ways of proving he wants you, and nobody else but you. And I don’t mean he has to just prove it to you. He must prove it to himself.

Letting the woman contribute and share the financial expenses of the dates is not just a cop out, it is an “opt out.” It speaks negatively in many ways. I know there are perfectly sound couples who do fine with this arrangement, and God bless them. But I have talked to enough women to know that it is more likely that the guy ends up proving to be a non-commitment type, or unambitious with job or career, and not really interested in providing for a family.

Paying for the dates shows that he wants to provide for this future family, starting with the most important person: the wife and mother. The person who will be your best friend; whom you want to manage the house, bear children, give up everything to be at home for those kids, etc. There is a great value in finding a good woman to marry, and she is worth every dollar the man spends to court her and win her hand in marriage. I promise you a man who wins the heart of a good woman never ever looks back to count the costs of acquiring her affections. And her love for him is the reward. The investment pays off.

Now, the last thing I want to say is something that is just not said at all. As the man has to pay, the woman has to save. While she is single and working and being taken on dates by men who are paying for the dates, she must be saving her money for the future when she is married. She should be bringing to the marriage a nest egg of savings that the marriage can benefit from greatly; whether it be to use on a down payment for their first house, or toward paying off college or general debt (his or hers), or toward the future having of children, or the children’s future education, or just a rainy day (and believe me, those rainy days come and they are not financially fun).

I have seen first hand how hesitant women can be about letting men know they have a savings. But they should not be the least bit embarrassed. A woman who shares with a man she is seriously dating that she is saving money for her future marriage is going to come across as being a very impressive woman.

Regardless of the realities out there about being careful not to get involved with a man who might be only after your money (you should have the ability to recognize these guys anyway), it is important to have the attitude as women who wish to be married one day that if a man is going to invest in you during the dating process, you want to be ready to invest in the marriage by having as much money saved as you can. This is part of the gift a woman brings to the wedding day. This is the dowry concept of the past. Only in modern times, the money is earned by her, not given by the parents. She earns this money and shows she has used her time while single well, and was always thinking about the time when she would marry.

So again, in my humble opinion, men should pay for the dates. But women should save for the marriage.

Son Rise Morning Show: Long Distance Relationships

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 14:43:00 -0700

Son Rise Morning Show on the Sacred Heart Radio Network
Run Time: 5 minutes
Date aired: 9/1/2010
Title: Long Distance Relationships Brian Patrick and I discuss how to make the move from a long distance relationship. For more podcasts, click here.

Son Rise Morning Show: Respect vs. Attraction

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 20:19:00 -0700

Son Rise Morning Show on the Sacred Heart Radio Network
Run Time: 5 minutes
Date aired: 8/25/2010
Title: Long Distance Relationships
Anna Mitchell and I discuss respect and attraction when dating. For more podcasts, click here.

Son Rise Morning Show: Opposites Attract?

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 20:38:00 -0700

Son Rise Morning Show on the Sacred Heart Radio Network
Run Time: 5 minutes
Date aired: 8/18/2010
Title: Opposites Attract

Anna Mitchell and I talk about whether opposites attract, and the importance of compatibility. For more podcasts, click here.

Can a computer do the matchmaking?

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 19:07:00 -0700

It’s a crazy age we live in, isn’t it? We probably don’t give much thought to just how strange our ways would seem to people from ages past. This holds particularly true when it comes to dating and getting married.

In ages past, many cultures had arranged marriage. The concept of choosing your own spouse would be a strange one. But then again, so was the concept of divorce. With the freedom to choose your spouse comes the risk of making an unwise choice. So how does one make a wise choice in this day and age of choosing your own spouse? How does one keep from staying off the divorce trend that has been with our modern culture for many decades?

Well, since it seems people aren’t doing that great of a job, how about a computer doing the matching? Maybe that’s the answer. Every online dating website has a matching feature that takes things you have answered on your profile and matches you with other members who have answered similarly.

How about a site like eHarmony? They go one further and only send you profiles of people the computer determines are a good match for you. When you join that site, you fill out the profile that determines your “37 points of compatibility” with another member. 37 points! Can you imagine? These 37 points give the computer all it needs to determine exactly who is right for you. So you never get to browse other members and make a decision to write to anyone. You can only write to those the computer selects for you.

A computer doing the work of filtering out people and presenting whom it determines (notice I did not say “thinks”) are the people you can fall in love with seems strange, doesn’t it? I think it does. How a person falls in love with another person is a mystery.

As a founder of an online dating service, I myself have always admitted that this is a pretty unnatural way to meet a person who will become your future spouse. But I also recognize that God can use computers and the Internet as a vehicle to bring two people into contact who will make the commitment to marriage. I have always keep my online service in such a way that was as respectful as possible to the natural ways that God works to bring two people together.

eHarmony approached me early on when both our sites were just starting to discuss how they could work with us on a Catholic version of their service. As I learned more about how their service worked, I knew it was not going to work out. They asked why not. I said, “Because I believe in grace.”

The grace of God can actually work on a person to change them. I could not subscribe to their concept of taking a person’s past and applying it to the parameters the computer uses to match people. I believe a person should be allowed to be different from their past, and to leave that past behind. I believe in the concept of conversion; that God’s grace can help a person become renewed, while remaining the same person.

The problem I had the most was the boldness of the concept. I believe online dating websites should not presume to know who someone should consider. No website knows any person’s capacity for marriage (meaning their ability to make the free will consent required at the time of the marriage) and their ability to live it.

A person must be capable of making the commitment for the marriage to take place. This is much more important than points of compatibility. Just because two people agree on things does not prove they are capable of living those beliefs.

A reason why there are so many divorces is not because the couple failed to become compatible. The divorce happens because one or both could not live up to the essence of what marriage is. The essence of marriage is NOT compatibility.

A break down of the Catechism’s reference of the code of Canon Law about the essentials to a sacramental marriage reveals an emphasis on “covenant,” not compatibility. A covenant is defined as a contract, a pledge, a promise, an agreement.

Here is what the Code of Canon Law states and the Catechism of the Catholic Church includes:

"The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring" (CCC, 1601)

There is nothing here about compatibility. The man and woman establish a partnership. The agreement of that partnership is about the “ends” of marriage and the “goods” of marriage. The “ends” of marriage: the mutual good of the spouses and procreation. The “goods” of marriage: fidelity, permanence, and being open to life.

So there is first and foremost a partnership that establishes the covenant. This makes sense Scripturally, which speaks of man finding a “suitable partner.” Not a very romantic term, is it? No one says, “I am hoping to find my suitable partner.” Find a soulmate sounds more romantic. I wonder how I would do if I started a website called “SuitablePartner.com.” I could have the 37 points of covenant capacity. Exciting? Maybe not. But necessary? Yes, very much so. But I digress.

A suitable partner is one who is capable of executing the goods and the ends of marriage, as, God willing, you are. Having the qualities that make a woman a good wife and mother, and a man a good husband and father. These are the things that will honor the sacred institution of marriage. People are too caught up in themselves, and they do not think much of nor respect the covenantal nature of marriage, and prepare for at the personal level.

Next is what maybe we can call “The 5 Points of Covenantability”:

The two ends of marriage are the mutual good of the spouses and the procreation of children. You have to willing to serve the other with self-sacrificial love, and from that love, along with God as co-creators, generate new life.

The three goods of marriage are fidelity, permanence and being open to life. Fidelity means a commitment to this one, forsaking all others. Permanence means you promise to be with this person for the rest of your natural life. And being open to life means you will not block the possibility of children as you use the sexual gifts God has bestowed.

Mutual good, procreation, fidelity, permanence, being open to life. These are the essence of marital love. Notice how each and every one of them have to do what a person commits to doing, not what makes up the person. You have “do” these things. To do them, you have to be willing. To be able to do and will them, you have be capable of them.

A computer cannot determine the mind and the motives of a person. It cannot predict the actions a person will take toward another. It cannot help with the essence of marital love.

Love is too much of a mystery to be categorized and calculated. And people are too unique and complex as individuals to be boxed into a formula or compiled into statistics. There will always be couples who don’t fit the criteria or fall outside the norm, and live a faithful marriage just fine.

I am all for using computers to help us come into contact with people. But it would be a mistake to pass over people who come into your life because a computer told you they are not compatible with you, or because they do not fit your pre-conceived criteria list. The mystery of love requires more respect than that. God is the author of love because He IS love. May we all be open to whomever God puts in our path, and be pleasantly surprised by the person we might have never thought would be someone we would have been happily in love with.

Should I be flirting more?

Thu, 12 Aug 2010 19:41:00 -0700

Dear Anthony: I feel that I am competing with women who are more flirtatious than me. A nice mam I am seeing likes to look at women who dress a little more provocative and who flirt. I am not like that; I'm just myself. I dress modern and pretty, but I don't really like to show too much flesh or wear things that make certain parts of my body stand out. Is that so wrong? I'm not "prudish", but I respect myself and believe God expects women to behave appropriately. Do I need to be more flirty, or should I just continue being the way I believe I should be?

First, I want to applaud you. It is very important for women to be sensitive and mindful to the way they dress and behave in public, particular with men. You are obviously a conscientious Christian woman who loves God and does not want to offend Him, and want to attract a normal, upright Catholic man with strong faith and who respects women.

You have answered your own question just by the way you are presenting your concern. You don’t want to change, nor should you. Anyone who betrays who they are just because it will get them in better with another person is only causing harm to themselves and anyone whom they interact with. So you have to faithful to yourself and your beliefs. Obviously, you don’t want to dress provocatively, nor do you want to be a shameless flirt. I applaud that.

It is alarming how much of an issue this has become among Catholics, of all people, who should be wiser than to be suckered into this mentality. I have addressed this subject on my blog before. I am sure I will be addressing it again in the future.

It’s important to point out that flirting has its place in a relationship. Is flirting necessary? Technically no, though most people find flirting to be a sign that they are with a normal person. I guess if two people who don’t flirt all, nor like to, nor know how to, are able to meet and interact without any need of what flirting provides, then it is not necessary. But most people need flirting to help them relax and gain confidence as they develop a relationship. Married couples find it important, too, for making each other feel good and special. It does have its place in relationships.

Let’s first take a look at the word. I like definitions to give us perspective. The dictionary defines flirt as, “to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions”. Trifling meaning insignificant or trivial. Amorously meaning inclined or disposed to love. Synonyms are tease, entice, playful. It’s interesting it uses the word “court.” I doubt that much flirting that goes on is in the context of courtship. But we can work with this definition.

The implication is that to flirt is to interact with a member of the opposite sex in a playful, teasing kind of way in the context of love. Another way to put it is we “dabble” with someone in the love arena. Some “dabble” and keep it innocent and all in good fun. Some “dabble” with the openness to it becoming something more (for better or for worse). It’s like flirting with disaster. We dabble in something dangerous, but seemingly not enough for it to really be life threatening.

I think there is a modesty required when it comes to flirting, however. What I just described above is what I would call modest flirtation. Modesty, of course, means balance; not over or under doing it. In this case, not too over the top or aggressive, and not too lacking or vacant.

Over-the-top flirting is not what you think it is. It’s hard to define what is over-the-top when there is flirting between two people. But there can be a recklessness to flirting that affects others you have no business gaining the attention of. This would be the “shameless flirt;” someone who makes no apologies for dressing provocatively in public and behaving in ways that attract the eye of anyone who might want to partake in their display; someone who does not mind meeting eyes with a man who is with another woman. (Men can do this to women as well).

It is very difficult for men today. There are so many women out in public who do not mind attracting men, so they dress to do it and act in ways that will do it. Men often just cannot help but notice. So we must not be too hard on men when it comes to noticing provocative, flirty women (or just beautiful looking women in general who are not trying to be provocative, nor intend to be).

But it’s what men do next that defines their character. They could A) catch themselves noticing the woman and immediately turn their head away, B) turn away but give a second glance, or C) just stare and check her out until he is done. Perhaps a D would be that he never notices her at all and remains caught up in the eyes of the girl he is with. Isn’t that romantic? You bet it is. But that is a tall order, so let’s not be too quick to criticize him (though there are men who will definitely do that).

The first shows self-control and requires the practice of self-discipline. The first also shows that there is nothing wrong with noticing the woman in the first place, and that he is a normal, functioning male. B and C tell something not so flattering about the man. He is easily lured away by that type of woman. Perhaps he is also weak in his spiritual life that he does not know the obvious; that it is wrong to glare and stare a woman. He is also possibly naïve to think that this cannot do anything negative to harm him at any level as he observes the woman.

It is natural that a woman would feel as you feel when with a man who does this to her. Women are all about security and feeling special. A man has to impress upon the woman he is interested in that she is the focus of his being; which includes his eyes as well as his heart. He is wrong to observe other women at all as he pursues her, let alone in her presence (come on, guys!). Okay, so the initial noticing of the provocative woman you can get away with. But don’t give the second glance, and don’t stare as to consume her through your eyes.

This is a real dilemma women like yourself are in. You want to give men their due chances, both to overcome these things and also to prove his ability to make you feel like the most unique and special woman in the world. A man really must do both. If he cannot, then you need to move on. But by all means, do not succumb to the temptation to change yourself just to gain the attention of a man.

I would advise that you become more graceful, more interesting, and just overall irresistible because of your charms. Look elegant and pretty without being provocative looking. Behave charmingly, gracefully, and adorably without being seductive and inappropriate. Respect yourself and be confident. Flirt modestly, like someone in a Jane Austen book. And above all, be a woman of virtue, values and integrity. Don’t let these provocative, immodest flirty women bring you down. They cannot compete with what you have to offer.

God is pleased with women who conduct themselves as real women who care about men. Men must respond by showing they care about women by conducting themselves like real men. They are not called “gentle-men” for nothing. If men are migrating to those women, they are passing up the great feast just to have junk food. And they are not the gentleman you want to make your husband and the father of your children.

Son Rise Morning Show: All in the Family

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 19:57:00 -0700

Son Rise Morning Show on the Sacred Heart Radio Network
Run Time: 5 minutes
Date aired: 8/4/2010
Title: All in the Family

Brian Patrick and I discuss the issues that converts to Catholicism experience when it comes to dealing with family dynamics. For more podcasts, click here.

How women are affected by porn

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 18:38:00 -0700

I just read a great article on the Covenant Eyes website about women who are affected by porn called "My Drug & His Poison: My Boyfriend Was Hooked On Porn". Men should read this and learn. Women should read it and be prepared. I thought it was excellent how she brings up the part of how her boyfriend became her drug; how she depended on her boyfriend to be everything to her, particularly in ways that only God can be for us. It is a great example of how we must not expect those we date and marry to never fail us, or hurt us. Only God can accomplish that. Granted, pornography abuse is much different than many other issues a couple will face. But because so many men are affected by pornography at some level, women have to learn how to deal with it properly so they do not make the matter worse with their boyfriends or husbands, and so they can have a positive approach to resolving and healing the problem.

Pornography does kill love and relationships and marriages and families. But it is possible for many men to be delivered from this enslavement. Women really need to learn how to be a help to the man they love to get past this problem, if at all possible, and believe that the relationship can be salvaged if it is worked on together. Women are repelled by the idea of men involved with and affected by pornography, and for good reason. But don't be quick to pull away from him.

Click here to read the article. It is well written on this subject.

An Alternative Route

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 00:00:00 -0700

I thought this article was worth sharing again, as it is an issue that many face. I posted it in a week where two entries were posted on the same day, so some of you may have missed it the first time.

Dear Anthony, I really thought that I had found “the one,” but things didn’t work out. In trying to find peace in this, I find myself increasingly frustrated. How could God allow me to go so far astray? I want to do God’s will, but I also want to shake this feeling like God knew everything that would happen and allowed it.

This is a painful thing to go through, so I am very sorry to hear this and offer you my prayers. It is so challenging to be ready to make a commitment to marriage and have invested so much in someone, to the point of falling in love, only to have this person you believe is the one for you be taken from you.

Be careful about the notion of God knowing everything in the sense of having control of the situation, or the sense of predestination. Your question seems to be if God already planned for this man to NOT be the one, why does it seem this man WAS the one?

It's true that God knows what is going to happen, but that is only because he is outside of time and has seen our entire life happen. He has worked to influence our life, but also has seen our decisions (whether with or against His will), and has tried further attempts to help us via each decision (if they are not compatible with His will). We are in time, so we have to wait for life to play out. He has seen our life, but He was also there in every moment.

So here we are right now, facing decisions, and experiencing God's influences. He is working on us and for us right now. We have not yet made our decisions for the day, and God is not choosing for us. But He does know already what we will decide because it has already happened for Him (being outside of time, He can see it).

Isn't it frustrating when someone says to you "I knew you were going to do that." We are frustrated because we say "How could you know? I didn't even know what I was going to do." But the person knows you so well that they just knew. It does not surprise them. But you don't like someone knowing you so well that they know what you are going to do or say. Love binds two people so much that this really happens. The deeper the love, the greater the knowledge of the other person, including anticipating their thoughts and actions.

The difference is, despite how much we might know someone else and ability to anticipate their thoughts, actions and feelings, we don't really "know" absolutely, nor do we know how the future will be affected. God does. He knows us so well and knows what we are doing to do or say, but He also knows how our moments could play out for the next moments. So He works to help our next moves via our decisions in the moment. Yet, He knows how all moments will play out, regardless of His influences. We can never know that. God can.

Some people find peace in knowing God knows all things, and how our lives are going to play out. Some people don't like that at all. The ones who do probably understand that they have a free will and that God is sending His grace at all times to help them in their decisions. Their peace is in knowing that no matter what they decide, God works out for the good those who put their trust in Him and stay close to Him. Even if they fall from grace, God loves them so much that the Holy Spirit convicts them of sin, and inspires them to turn back to God to ask forgiveness and His mercy and to change their life or correct that wrong or bad decision.

Those who don't like it that God knows all things about our lives are frustrated because they are attached to their own plans that they want God to accept and make happen. They don't like not having control. Perhaps a part of them thinks they really don't have free will, since things will happen as they are going to happen anyway. Or perhaps they think that no matter how much close they stay to God, other people mess things up by their bad decisions, thus messing up your life as well.

God's ultimate will is that we get to Heaven, and He is always working on our alternative routes to get us there, should we ever veer off the road of His will as He plans for us. It is a comforting thing, isn't it? He will make sure we always have an alternative route to Heaven, as long as we want to be with Him. That is the primary roll of our free will as God gave it to us; to choose God and to be with Him forever. Our time here on earth is about accomplishing that. Anything we want or choose that does not accomplish that is an abuse of the purpose of the free will gift God gave us. So any person, place, thing, thought, desire, etc., that does not work in God's plan for us is a threat to our eternal salvation, and God has to do something about that for our own sakes.

But if we don't choose the road He planned for us and where He is waiting for us, He loves us so much that he creates another road, an alternative route, that will get us to Him and where He now waits. God is all action. That is one of His attributes. He never sleeps, he never waits. He acts. He is always right here with us, working on us, working with us, always loving us. If we ask Him to leave us by our sins, He still loves us enough to inspire us to come back to Him. We must choose it though. That is the only thing God waits for. He waits for us to choose Him, and then (very often) that is the only time He can take the action that is His will for us or others (i.e., waiting for certain prayers or the offering of certain sufferings in order to save the souls of others). The Holy Spirit is always working on us to inspire us to make acts of love by our own free will.

It is really frustrating when we were convinced God did certain things to get us to some point and that something that we wanted or expected to happen does not happen. We "knew" it was what God wanted for us or what was meant to be, but it does not go as we thought. How can that be? How could we have gotten it so wrong? Does that mean we are actually further from God than we thought? Does that mean God does not really want us to have what we want?

Unfortunately, the only answer to these questions is that we are not God, and no one has privy to what God is going to do. Jesus said that even He did not know the time of the end of the world, but only the Father. It stands to reason that only God knows what He is going to do, and the "why" of it.

St. Therese of Lisieux said that God would not give us a desire that cannot be fulfilled. In other words, the desire itself is of God, if it is a good desire. The best desire is to be with God forever in Heaven, and to serve Him in this life. If we desire that, than God cannot help but grant us our heart's desire. Every other desire is subjective. If we desire to have a certain person in our life and don't get that person, does it mean that God gave us the desire for that person but intended to never give that person to us? Not exactly. It might not be the right timing, and perhaps we are ruining the desire by wanting it fulfilled in our time, not God's time. Or we might not see the full affects of having that person in our life, and God in His mercy and love for us, seeing that this person will ultimately be to our ruin, does what He can to make sure we do not have that person, as a good Father would. Because we don't see the full affects, we can only see that God does not want our desire fulfilled, and that makes us sad or mad.

We are not God, therefore we should be humble before Him and accept the suffering of not getting what we want. We should trust in Him and have unwavering peace. Ultimately, if we remain friends with God and fulfill His commandment to love one another as He has loved us, and live the sacramental life we are called to, we will successfully pass our test of being in this world, and end up with God forever in Heaven.

Son Rise Morning Show: Ultimate Trust in God

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 19:48:00 -0700

Son Rise Morning Show on the Sacred Heart Radio Network
Run Time: 5 minutes
Date aired: 7/28/10
Title: Ultimate Trust in God

Brian Patrick and I discuss having complete trust in God. For more podcasts, click here.

Key Ingredients of Love and Marriage That Lasts

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 13:13:00 -0700

I just came across this obituary of a married Catholic couple, Lou and Patricia DeMuro, who died on the same day after 62 years of marriage. It's a real old-fashioned love story.

It is a very touching story. The simplicity in which this couple approached life and each other is inspiring. Their contentment with what life offered them admirable. This couple's story should be what every person should be looking for when it comes to love and marriage. They offer two key ingredients to falling in love and a successful marriage; approaching life with simplicity and contentment.

Sadly, too many people complicate the process and get too demanding when it comes to their expectations of another person, making it almost impossible to find such love. The more qualifications necessary, the less likely to find happiness and share such a life.

It’s also important to realize that they had very humble beginnings and lived a humble life. They were not angry or frustrated about their financial situation. They were accepting of it, made do, and were thankful for their blessings. They were also very young. That helps too. When you marry young, it gives you more years together. And the more years you have living together in marriage, the less selfish you become.

But this couple have more to teach us about approaching love and marriage. They had an earnest desire to make each other happy and feel special. They did not take each other for granted. Let’s see how the reporter described their life from the research:

Their life together had few frills but many laughs.
They would sing the 1950s hit "How Much is That Doggie in the Window?". They listened to the soundtracks from "South Pacific" and "Mary Poppins" hundreds of times. The louder their kids sang along, the more the DeMuros smiled.
They were a tag team when it came to raising their three kids. When Mr. DeMuro got home from work, he was a hands-on parent, so Patricia DeMuro could head to her night job.
They did everything together.
They lived in a two-flat with relatives upstairs.
The children went to school across the street at Our Lady Help of Christians. They'd come home for lunch.
When the family moved in 1968, Mrs. DeMuro brushed up her secretarial skills and landed a job at AT&T. Mr. DeMuro was an order filler for Motorola and worked at a cutlery firm.
They would take bus tours and cruises to Alaska and the Caribbean, along the Mississippi River and through the Panama Canal.
They loved going to Massachusetts in the fall to watch the leaves change colors.

Laughed a lot, basic living, enjoyed their kids (loud kids made them smile!), sang corny songs, made home-made sausage, hands-on parenting as a team, living with relatives in the same house, kids went to Catholic school, she worked to help bring in money, he worked two jobs, simple pleasures. They did everything together.

Now let’s see how their kids describe them and their life with their parents:

They remember Dad barbecuing and getting the biggest kick out of watching the kids play.
The homemade sausage was so good, it spoiled them for anything else.
Their parents roller-skated, bowled and played pinochle together and even used his-and-hers lawnmowers to mow their grass side-by-side.
Mom was really in tune with their schoolwork. She was there all the time. She slept while they were at school.
Sundays meant pot roast for dinner.
They were always asking them 'How ya doing? Are you OK?' Always checking up on them. They were encouraging.
Dad enjoyed taking his sons golfing at Salt Creek Country Club in Itasca.
The family liked hitting Wood Dale Bowl and watching Clint Eastwood spaghetti Westerns at the old Thunderbird Theater in Hoffman Estates.
Dad would do the shopping and mom the cooking, making homemade ravioli, manicotti, pizza, pineapple upside-down cake and Italian cookies.

Togetherness, availability, genuine interest, hard-working, tender moments, frugality, attentiveness to the children’s needs.

What stands out to me is how happy they were, and more importantly, how happy the children were. Their children felt they had a rich life growing up. They certainly were not poor. Pot roast on Sunday is very middle class. They were careful with their money. And I’m sure they were “savers” and had money due to their being careful with their money and not reckless. They lived within their means, but still did special things. It was not a life of extravagance.

Another thing that stands out to me is that the things the children point out are all have to do with how the couple interacted together at a friendship level. It does not seem that either one dominated the other. The mutual respect seems to be what the children took from their relationship.

It really goes to show that bonding as friends with a mutual respect of each other is a key ingredient to success in marriage. Each person is free to be themselves, yet has a desire to do things together and be together. Seeking someone you can have that kind of bond with goes so far beyond age differences, physical attraction, child-bearing requirements, and the many kinds of things single people allow themselves to get so caught up in.

And this couple took the plunge. They saw in each other someone they wanted to be with; a suitable partner. They did not question it or ponder too deeply about if this is the one God had in mind. They did not reject the other in hopes of finding someone better. They probably gave it no thought at all. Since they were both people who approached life with simplicity and were not hard people to please, they knew how to be content and appreciate what they had. I’m sure this prepared them well for finding the kind of love in another person.

On her deathbed, Mr. DeMuro was brought in to see Mrs. DeMuro. He said “Hi Babe,” and she said “Lou, I love you. I had a wonderful life. I'll see you in another place.” They lived in such close union with each other in that bond of love. So it was fitting that, at the end, they died together, succumbing within hours of each other from a multitude of ailments. Lou had leukemia, Parkinson's disease and was in hospice. Patricia had diabetes, high blood pressure and heart failure. In the end, they both needed others to care for them. But their desire was always to take care of the other, especially each other’s hearts.

It is not dumb luck or a fluke that they cherished each other for 62 years and still felt so close after all that time. They gave themselves completely to the other, and wanted to, and found joy in it. If we all would approach life with simplicity and as content people, without over expectations and qualifications about the people who come along and whom we date, we just might end up with a life of love as Lou and Patricia DeMuro shared.

Son Rise Morning Show: More than friends?

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 19:41:00 -0700

Sonrise Morning Show on the Sacred Heart Radio Network
Run Time: 5 minutes
Date aired: 7/21/2001
Title: More than friends?

Brian Patrick and I discuss how to handle it when your opposite sex friend expresses an interest in dating you. For more podcasts, click here.

It's not about being good enough.

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 18:42:00 -0700

In the past two posts we have discussed being “good enough” for someone you are dating. This is a temptation that many experience. It’s easy to cut yourself down, or put someone on a pedestal.

Another temptation is to look at couple and make judgements about their relationship. How often have you heard someone say (or you yourself said) that someone is too good for the person they are with, or out of the other person’s league? This kind of comment comes from a sense that we all have of knowing something about that person, and what we know about relationships.

We should not be so quick to come to conclusions about the dynamics of any couple’s relationship, no matter how close one of the persons is to ourselves. One, God ultimately knows the two persons involved and has His hand on things. Two, we cannot underestimate the power we have to influence that relationship. Three, we might be wrong, no matter how convinced we are.

We all have experienced a happily married couple about whom we say, “I cannot understand what she sees in him” (or him in her). This comment is saying that we would never have put those two together, nor thought they could be happy, due to what we perceive are obvious differences that “should” make their relationship a disaster.

This is where we should pause and say, “Ah, love is a mystery beyond any human understanding.” What brings two people together is a mystery. God works in mysterious ways. The happiness of certain couples baffle us because we are only observers. God may have used us to influence the situation, but we are not part of the workings of the Holy Spirit on the two individuals.

When love hits two persons and draws them together, these individuals are enhanced, leading to a change that outsiders who know either of them as individuals might find hard to accept. We lose a part of ourselves when a close friend or sibling falls in love, because they are drawn away from us. We cannot be so possessive of someone that we disrupt their vocation. We need to accept and encourage.

If we understood what was happening, we would know that the love our friend or sibling has found will enhance them. The sacrifice is that you will never have the same relationship with that person. It will be different. You will be tempted to dislike it because after all, none of us really take change well. But if you embrace the movement of this mystery happening before your eyes, you will find that whatever change comes in your relationship with this person, it is worth it.

Too many people interpret their problem with change as being an inspiration that the person taking their friend or sibling from them is dangerous. So they become suspicious and try to poke holes in the relationship.

That is not our job as observers of the mystery of love. Yes, you can offer advice or opinions, but check your motives. Is your opinion coming from a pure hearted desire for that person’s happiness, or do you have an agenda?   Is it really your job or role to approve of the choice your friend, sibling, or child makes in marriage?

It is not an easy thing to step outside of ourselves. We can’t know why love happens to someone.   We want what is best for that person. This requires that we accept the change. What you think you might know about your friend, sibling, child might change drastically when they are on the road to marriage. The most successful couples bring out the best in each other, because they have a love and respect that is grounded in their strong faith in God. They allow each other to grow more and more in consuming each other. The flames of love require full consumption of two persons into one.

In Mere Christianity C.S. Lewis says, “What can you ever really know of other people's souls - of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands.” At the end of our lives, we have to answer to the Lord for our own actions, the way we lived our own life.
This does not include being responsible for every person that we know. We are responsible for our own actions. We all have to be true to ourselves. A good friend will offer advice, but then will accept the decisions of their friend, and love them all the same.

Is our loved one really out of the league of the person he or she is dating?  Is that person really not “good enough”?   Do we really want the job of influencing the outcome of the relationships of others and stand before God to be judged for our influence?

We have to assume God’s hand in couples determined to marry, and assume the good intentions of the two people. It’s not about being good enough. It is about being committed to the mystery of love God has begun and wants to see through for a lifetime. It’s about being imperfect together, and by God’s grace, living love for the sake of each other.

As sinners, you could say we are all in the same league - the league of being imperfect; and certainly out of league with God, who loves and knows us perfectly. We struggle to come to know ourselves, let alone someone else. Only God really knows us completely. A couple moving toward marriage want to be caught up in that discovery process of each other as God leads them.

Let’s be concerned less with judging other couples, and improve ourselves. Let’s not be quick to speak or act hastily on our instincts about another couple. Pray to God that you do not do anything against His will.

As we work to improve ourselves and grow in faith and holiness, we will become good people, and God will work in our own lives as He wills. Go before the Eucharistic Lord asking, “what do you want from me?” The Lord who taught us to ask, to seek, and to knock will surely answer our questions that we bring to Him in true humility. And we will have the peaceful countenance of joy that influences others in a positive way. Everything we do, we should do with joy and pure motives. Loving someone when we think they are making a mistake, or even when they are unlovable is hard work.   These moments are not only gifts from God, they are tests meant to help us grow in holiness.

We release our loved ones to God, for they are His responsibility. He is in control, not us. Let’s be a positive influence on those we love as they make their decision on a person to share their life with in marriage. Let’s make the sacrifice of what we want and expect so that we are more open to accept the changes in our loved ones who move on toward their vocation.

Son Rise Morning Show: Not Good Enough?

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 19:28:00 -0700

Son Rise Morning Show on the Sacred Heart Radio Network
Run Time: 5 minutes
Date aired: 7/14/2010
Title: Not Good Enough?

Brian Patrick and I discuss the fear of not being good enough for another person. For more podcasts, click here.

Humility in being "good enough"

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 20:03:00 -0700

(In response to Lisa’s comment on “I’m not good enough for you” article, whose comment is paraphrased here)

I am beginning to develop a new friendship and this man keeps telling me what a 'good' person I am. This makes me uncomfortable. Other men have felt they were not good enough for me, which we know is ridiculous. I have fear that my pride can get involved and I will lose humility in thinking I really am good. After reading your comments and reflecting on previous experiences I am realizing that I must not be showing my true self, warts and all. Do you think it could be that I am not being as open and honest with myself or others with which I am developing a relationship?

I applaud you for considering how you present yourself in the relationship (warts and all, as you say). That is admirable. We should not feel we have to force ourselves to show our weaknesses, faults and bad habits. We should just be ourselves. Those things will come out alongside the good qualities. If you wear a mask (only showing others what you want them to see), this would be deception. It is also not practical because your true and whole self will come out eventually.

My guess is these men have guilt about their own lack of trust in God and their decisions to not improve themselves. Therefore, when they meet a good person, they can't bear it too long because it means they have to change something about themselves. So they make the "you're too good for me" excuse. Women, of course, do this as well.

People willing to say "you're so good and I don't deserve you" need to confront themselves before the Eucharistic Lord. They need to wake up to the reality that they are hurting themselves, as well as the person that they "could have" had if they were not so prideful. They stand before a good person who also has flaws and issues, but they do not see those things. They only see the good things, and they make the fallacious assumption that the person is "too good" to be interested in them.

This is utterly ridiculous (to be casual), and actually quite prideful and even sinful (to be very direct). It is a sin to believe any person is "too good." Jesus Himself rebuked someone for saying he was "good." In rebuke, He says that only God is good. Did that mean Jesus was not pure goodness? No. He was making a point to give us an example to follow. The point is that no one is good except for God. Any good we offer to another person comes from God, Who lives in us and through us.

We should all strive to become better "good people.” That only means we are working on our relationship with God. Those who are reluctant to move forward in a dating relationship with a person they believe is too “good” for them are basically telling that person "Hey, my relationship with God is not where it should be, nor am I working on making it better." They are also saying, "You must be God because you are so good, and that is what you need me to be in order to be with you." That second point is very scary. People need to realize that they have the capability of making the other person a god. Human beings are NOT God.

As Christians we share the Divine nature via our Baptism, so we are very much like God. But we are sinners. We sin daily. We all have our shortcomings and negative qualities It is a sin to make someone else out to be a god and expect them to be your savior. Worse, it is a sin to sabotage our relationships with other human beings by considering them to be God.

Only God can love as each person needs. The objective of each person is to love others as God loves us, as Jesus taught us to love, and to do that as far as we can by God's grace. It is grace that makes us "good people.” The better we are, the more of Jesus Christ we project to others.

For someone to say you are good is definitely a compliment. There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel proud about someone saying that. It is when we consider ourselves "good" by our own power that we give way to the sin of pride.

For someone to say you are too good for them is an excuse. It can only mean that they feel guilty around you. You are a reminder to them that they have chosen to reject God's grace and invitation to become a better person. They are blind to your flaws and are accusing you of not being a fellow human being, a fellow sinner. They need you to be as bad as they are to justify where they are in their spiritual life and be comfortable in their lack of efforts to get closer to the Eucharistic Lord. You are a real threat.

When they actually back off the relationship or end it, they have decided that your goodness is not an example they are able to follow. You are drawing them closer to Christ. Though this is a good thing, they don't want that kind of confrontation. Rather, they have decided that is not what they want and therefore they cannot continue being around you. They will seek someone who is as weak as they are.

This might sound like I am being pretty harsh on those who feel that they are with someone who is too good for them. But all I am trying to do is make them consider certain things they may not have considered before. I hope that they use their experiences of meeting someone they believe is too good for them as an opportunity to get their act together, and NOT just settle on finding someone as weak and distant from God as they are.

I want everyone to accept that all persons are sinners and flawed. That marriage is between two sinners who will be helpmates to each other toward their personal sanctity, not two saints who don't need each other or one is so good that the other is the only one who will benefit. That meeting a good person is an encounter with God through that person, and an invitation by God to get closer to Him. That the feeling of another person being too good for you means that you are not accepting the other's flaws and shortcomings, and this will always hurt your ability to have a healthy relationship that grows in love with Jesus Christ at the center.

Think of what Purgatory is. When we die, we immediately come face-to-face with Jesus for the particular judgment. We see Jesus in all His glory, goodness, and love. The light is blinding and very revealing. The light of Christ causes us to see ourselves for who we are and all we have done in our lifetime. Though we recognize that we are worthy to be with God in Heaven for all eternity, we are not quite ready. We notice that we are not yet presentable enough to meet the Father and dwell in Heaven. So we tell the Jesus, "Lord, please, allow me to make myself presentable before entering.” We know by the light of Christ that we "must" spend time in Purgatory before we are ready to enter into Heaven.

This is how it should be for those who feel they are not worthy of someone. If anything, it should be that the person we think so good is a light of Christ revealing who we should strive to become. The Purgatory on earth is the time we spend WITH the flawed person. We are perfected as we share a lifetime of joys and sorrows WITH that person whom we discover is as sinful and flawed as we are, while at the same time being drawn to Christ through that person's goodness and positive qualities. Enduring each others faults purifies us, while enjoying each other's goodness makes us a gift to the other.

No one should feel someone is too good for them. That would mean that you believe you are unworthy. That is just not true. A genuinely good person is one who knows they are a sinner but trusts in God's goodness. A truly good person wants to share all that is good in them with others, especially one special person in marital love. What a gift two people give to each other who have that humility and practicality about human love and marriage.